I don't know what's wrong with me

[JaneInVegas]

I'm not really looking for advice here, I just need to sound off a little bit. I have an extremely hard time making friends, and I've just about come to the conclusion it's impossible.

 

Some days, like today, I call in sick for work because the dread of being snubbed by co-workers is overwhelming and suffocating.

 

I have no idea why people are so repelled by me, and wish I could see myself from the outside looking in.

 

I listen to people, I do not talk over others. When I do talk it's not boring repetitious topics about myself, or about my neighbors or other people they've never met. I tend to talk about whatever the ongoing topics are. I am not loud or vulgar, I do not dress weird, I do not crack weird and/or insulting jokes, and I am the opposite of a bigot.

 

When a new employee comes into our workplace, I have about 1 or 2 weeks of being friendly with them. After that time frame I'll notice that they look the other way when they see me, conversations lasting 20 seconds max, and their eyes glaze over whenever I saying something beyond, "Hey, how ya doin" I seriously don't know why.

 

We have a security guard at our work that is very friendly with everyone, including me. Although I would never dare to call him an official friend, he is someone I have enjoyed bs'ing with a couple of days a week. Last weekend he got married and I would have loved to have gone, he's a fun guy and I think a lot of him. But he didn't invite me which is okay, and I know how these things go, small budgets, tight guest lists, etc. Someone at my office was talking about his wedding and was passing around pictures, and I saw about 1/3 of our office was there.

 

Did it offend me? No. Did it hurt my feelings? A little. But what it DID do was make me wonder if I'll ever make a friend that would actually want me at their wedding.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I have the same issues you have in making friends. Though I am a loner by nature, and shy as well.

 

Though, my shyness has a built in safety feature... my outgoing humor, and ability to not show feelings easily.

 

I think why I don't get much invitation and such, is that at work or around peeps alone I am quiet and keep to myself. When I am around peeps I know, away from work, I am more outgoing. So, that can be one limitation. Other things can be commonalities, I am not geeky or have the look of my profession. So it is a bit of being an odd man out sort of thing.

 

If anything I think the peeps I am around are to cautious in being politically correct, not that I resent it, just I am a bit looser with how I state things at times. More amused by how peeps react to meaning, so I end up rubbing peeps the wrong way when I try to lighten up.

 

I guess it is all about reading people and people reading me. I go by words not body language, as many tend to hide their feelings by covering with their expressions. Which I don't do, and may throw them off to why I don't get ecstatic with joy on a good job. I just show a wee smile and I am done.

 

I guess the best way for you to know is to ask peeps around you how they see you. As your info is limited to what you see around you, not what you really see from the others around you.

[pie2]

Regarding the wedding, does gender have anything to do with it? At my work, I've seen men invite other men to a wedding, but not other single females. Might that have been at play a little in this situation?

 

Other than that, (hugs) OP. Life can be too lonely sometimes.

 

I think friendship has a lot of reciprocal back-and-forth to it. It's important that those around us see and experience the care you feel for them. Do you show your care in different ways (small acts of kindness, words of appreciation, etc)?

[Cristo]

Making friends is easy.

[Arieswoman]

Janeinvegas,

I understand where you are coming from, as I used to be painfully shy when younger.

 

Here are my suggestions,

 

1. Stop worrying about what other people think of you - you are not defined by their opinions.

2. Try to be the best person you can - take up a hobby/sport, learn a skill that you can excel at. That will help give you more confidence, you'll meet new people and have something interesting to talk about.

3. Work colleagues are just that, work colleagues. They shouldn't be a big part of your social life. When I worked in large organisations people formed cliques and people were always falling out and changing allegiances. It became very tiresome as I was expected to "take sides". You're better off standing back a bit, being friendly and polite but staying out of office politics.

4. I wouldn't read anything into the wedding business. As you say everyone has to stick to a budget.

 

Good luck.

[Ronni_W]

Jane,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

Of everything you've mentioned, there is nothing that makes you come across as an unappealing personality. The only thing you did not touch on is, uh...an overwhelming odour. Too much perfume? Side-effect of medication? Too-intense cooking smells? Cigar smoke?

 

It might take a whole helluva lot of courage, but when that security guard gets back from his honeymoon, you may just want to point-blank ask him, "I know there is something off-putting about me, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. PLEASE will you be honest with me...I will not be offended by whatever it is; I will just be so totally relieved to know."

 

If he is unable to offer any insight, then perhaps a third-party professional? Doctor, therapist, hair stylist...

 

I do hope you will get to the bottom of it. Best of luck.

[Dontfindme]

What I've noticed is that sometimes being too polite - which you seem to be (and I think this is a good thing)- will often leave you on the outside.

 

Is it possible that these coworkers of yours see you as "too good" and are unable to relate as a result? Just hypothesizing.

 

You sound like someone who would make a great friend, and I hope that you do.

[ThisIsTherapyOkay]

General rule is.. new employees have 2 ways of being friends. One, they are a definition of the "interesting" person.. (The socialite, the band member, the tattoos, the haircut, the fashion, the look, that if this person were on TV, it would be "obvious" they would be the lead role, a comedian, an actor, a celeb) otherwise, it's a slow process, anywhere from a few weeks to a few years, of "minding your business, but upon the day to day encounters you let them know that whatever your business is, it's pretty damn awesome, and you are just there to work, and you don't care, because your business is awesome. Now can you pass me the stapler?? Thanks! And cool shoes.".

 

Their curiosity will make them want to know you. Because, people like people who mind their business but seem like they got something better at home and that is why they are so content with minding their business.

 

Your life at home, must be FAR MORE INTERESTING to you than a bunch of strangers at work???

 

If not, they might think, "but.. this sucks here. Why are you so interesting in being 'friends' with us?? It's just work. Don't you go drink and party and have family stuff and bf/gf stuff??"

 

You are over judging them as being "potential friends".

 

It's much like dating. Unfortunately. People suck.