Any thoughts for OW seeking therapy (IC)?

[couchcushion]

Hello all,

 

I don't feel like sharing my whole story, but very quickly, I am single, early 30s, and was very briefly an OW. My story does not seem unique: instant chemistry, intense connection, future-talk, ILYs, d-day, AP goes back to wife.

 

I want to go to individual counseling, which I think a lot of OWs have done (mostly MOWs though I suppose...)

 

Could I get some advice on what to look for in a counselor? For sure someone non-judgemental and that I connect with. But beyond that, I'm skeptical of freudian/jungian/psychoanalytical/mindfulness stuff. What kind of therapy did yours practice and what did you find most helpful?

 

I want someone who listens well, but I also need a game plan for getting past the hurt and letting go, and someone who gives me homework. Since I am not married I don't have issues to address with a BS.

 

I also struggle with anxiety (lifelong, unrelated to the A).

 

Thank you for your input! I appreciate it.

[Donesharing]

I have gone from time to time in my life to a few different therapists. I think a marriage and family counselor will help you through this. Do you feel more comfortable with a woman or man, start with that. Google them and see what people say.

[couchcushion]

I have gone from time to time in my life to a few different therapists. I think a marriage and family counselor will help you through this. Do you feel more comfortable with a woman or man, start with that. Google them and see what people say.

 

Interesting question. I thought I would feel more comfortable with a man, but now I am questioning that...

 

I'm trying to stay open-minded, so I think I will interview men and women.

 

Even though I am not married, you think a marriage/family counselor would be helpful? What makes you think that?

 

Did you find any of your therapists helpful, and, if so, what did they practice? What was helpful?

 

Thank you for your response

[whichwayisup]

Hello all,

 

I don't feel like sharing my whole story, but very quickly, I am single, early 30s, and was very briefly an OW. My story does not seem unique: instant chemistry, intense connection, future-talk, ILYs, d-day, AP goes back to wife.

 

I want to go to individual counseling, which I think a lot of OWs have done (mostly MOWs though I suppose...)

 

Could I get some advice on what to look for in a counselor? For sure someone non-judgemental and that I connect with. But beyond that, I'm skeptical of freudian/jungian/psychoanalytical/mindfulness stuff. What kind of therapy did yours practice and what did you find most helpful?

 

I want someone who listens well, but I also need a game plan for getting past the hurt and letting go, and someone who gives me homework. Since I am not married I don't have issues to address with a BS.

 

I also struggle with anxiety (lifelong, unrelated to the A).

 

Thank you for your input! I appreciate it.

 

Because you're an anxiety sufferer, my suggestion is, seek cognitive behaviour therapy. It can help with your issues of being the (ex)OW and also tackle your anxiety disorder. I swear by this type of counseling as I have suffered from anxiety as well. CBT will change your ways of processing and thinking about stuff, give you tools so you can function better too, in a healthy way and rid of negative feelings and thoughts.

 

When you find the right person, you'll click and just know that the therapist is the one for you.

 

Hope this helps.

[Got it]

I think, based on other issues, way's suggestion is the best. I have gone to a few different therapists and enjoy a back and forth. Moreso than their school of thought, I pay attention to the interaction between myself and them.

 

Definitely interview a number of them and see who you click with. I did do therapy while in the affair and afterwards and found it extremely helpful.

[couchcushion]

Thanks, WWIU and Got It.

 

Got It: what did you find helpful about it?

 

I was considering doing CBT for my anxiety before the fallout from the A. But now I have this pain I also need to address.

 

Is your experience that a CBT therapist will listen as well as provide strategies? I'm concerned that CBT will be too much about exercises and will not give me enough time to talk about the A and the feelings I am having. Which I feel the need to do, at least in the beginning.

 

I will interview multiple people for sure.

[sunburned]

Hi, xMOW here. I did not have much luck with IC. Never found the right match. It sounds like you are going about your search the right way. I just want to say don't be afraid to cut your losses if you go once or twice and aren't impressed. Keep looking. A possible alternative: I found www goasksuzie dot com to be very helpful. You can read the articles and get an overall impression of her. If you like what you see/read, you can book a private phone appointment. She usually deeply discounts the first one. I found her advice/strategy to be very helpful. Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, WWIU and Got It.

 

Got It: what did you find helpful about it?

 

I was considering doing CBT for my anxiety before the fallout from the A. But now I have this pain I also need to address.

 

Is your experience that a CBT therapist will listen as well as provide strategies? I'm concerned that CBT will be too much about exercises and will not give me enough time to talk about the A and the feelings I am having. Which I feel the need to do, at least in the beginning.

 

I will interview multiple people for sure.

 

CBT isn't just about facing your anxiety, it's getting to the root of the problems. That gets talked about too, not just learning how to cope and face anxiety and fight it. Sure, some of your sessions will be exercises, but some of it will be focused on what it is that's giving you the anxiety (or making it worse). This is why finding the right therapist is important, one that you can talk to openly about anything.

[couchcushion]

Thank you for the responses. I made an initial list today of 11, and will try to book initial consults over the next few weeks. Some do CBT, others don't, men and women. Hopefully someone clicks.

[Got it]

It varied based on therapist but some watershed moments. For me, what works best is guided conversation. So not one sided, I had that and didn't like the lack of direction or feedback, but the ability to keep pulling back the layers of the onion.

 

It is amazing how far back things can/do go and to see how coping mechanisms build on themselves. I think you have a good first step done and just go in interviewing them. One therapist may not fit the bill for what you want and you will "outgrow" at person and need to move on to someone else.

 

One piece of advice, be brutally honest. Don't hedge, tweak, or hold back anything. I made that mistake when I was younger and you really get back what you put in.