Abuse?

[tippydog90]

Another bad day today and I was doing so well earlier this week. All day I have just been wondering why it took me so long to see. Why I dismissed his actions so long. Sure I felt pain along the way when he did and said the things he did. But what I feel now is like a flood of pain and anger all at once. It is like it built up in me so long and it is all coming out now. At times I even question myself and my perception of all of this. But then I look at what I wrote in my first post (and that was only part of it) and I tell myself why should I be questioning anything? Do normal loving men treat their wives like that and say those things? I know I wasn't perfect in our relationship, no one is. But I loved him and I didn't deserve this. What I am feeling now must be all the pent up pain that I just kept in check for so long and a realization that I was nothing but a sick game to him. I hate feeling like this.

[LuckyLady13]

TippyDog, what you're feeling is so normal. It's really normal. The more time you spend out of this relationship, the more distance you start having mentally and emotionally after the initial shock, the more logically you're going to see things because you're not in the middle of it anymore and sure, you're going to question yourself too!

 

I'd like to touch upon the subject of your daughter again because, even though I wasn't adopted, I really wanted to be and I'll tell you that I fantasized at times about being adopted and actually thought it might happen! Being that my parents kept losing custody of me, I thought it might be a reality one day. I did get to spend time with other families though when they didn't have custody of me.

 

One of the families, the father was quiet. Strong but quiet. Not very involved with his kids or me. But the mother made up for it! She was also strong but very sweet and so it was almost like being in a single parent household. She was fantastic with us kids! And that's what I look back fondly on. It doesn't bother me the father wasn't involved with us. I felt cared about because she was there spending time with me and showing me how life can be. She showed me how kids are supposed to be treated and made my life take a 180 degree course correction. I'm not sure how I would've turned out without her.

 

I know how it is to think about and plan a future with a man who had all the charm turned on in the beginning to "hook" you. I made that mistake with my ex. And he was so sweet to almost everyone else. Most of the things he said and did were behind closed doors. If you asked anyone, they'd tell you how sweet and nice of a guy he was and my eyeballs would nearly fall out of my head from disbelief! We couldn't be talking about that same guy.

 

I want to mention 2 more things that address some things you said. One won't seem related at first but you'll understand after I explain.

 

My mother is a psychopath. The genuine article. I know people throw that word around these days but she is the real deal. One of her tactics is to charm new people. I've seen her emulate the emotional expressions people use so she can draw people in. I've seen her watch peoples faces to see what expressions they use and then imitate it because she knows which ones get the reaction she's looking for. Strangely, she thinks everyone is nearly numb of all emotion. So, when she does things to people, in her mind, nobody gets hurt. To her, every new person she meets is a potential tool to use to get something she wants. She's a predator.

 

I remember when I was dropped off at pre-school the first day. Yes, I remember this because I remember the other parents hugging their kids, saying it will be okay, looking in their eyes when they spoke. My mother looked over at the other parents and realized this is what she's supposed to do so she started imitating what she saw. I knew back then something was wrong with my mother. And I was terrified of her!

 

My mother only sees people as tools. That's it! She has no feeling for anyone, no sympathy, no empathy. She's my own mother and laughed at me hysterically in court, pointing at me when my leg was broken and the judge asked me if she did it. Yeah...no feelings! This is hard for someone to understand who cares about her adopted daughter and dogs too! But, you have to understand, not everybody functions the way you do. Not everyone feels things for others. My mom is an extreme case but I thought she'd open your eyes to how ice-cold some people can be toward others.

 

The other thing I wanted to mention is how I feel myself when I'm alone. Great! I mention this because you're under the assumption everyone wants to be loved but that's actually not true, TippyDog. And I've had times in my life when I was single and alone and happy as a dog being scratched behind the ears. People just have totally different priorities sometimes. And I'm not sure if you noticed your contradiction in terms?

 

It must be so painful going through life feeling nothing.

 

Um...

 

I seriously was happy alone and my mother feels not a thing at all when she sees people and children hurt or terrified. I'm sorry. I'm wrong. She feels 2 things in those situations - anger and frustration because the person or child is wasting her time on this emotion nonsense when she has better things to do!

 

Not everyone feels the things you're capable of feeling. Being a caring person the way you are and strong enough to change your life and put it in a healthy direction (which can feel impossible sometimes) are such great traits to have!

 

It's okay to not spend any time feeling sorry for this guy because, knowing him from the sound of it, you're wasting precious energy feeling bad about things he may not feel a thing about at all. He might be so numb inside, similar to my mother. Not saying he's a psychopath but I am just pointing out people are honestly capable of having no feeling.

 

Your future may turn out that you have a house, new great hubby who's so cool with your daughter and a front yard full of happy dogs slobbering on each other playing and having a ball.

 

Your daughter is attached to this guy but over time that attachment will start fading and especially if he really is that lazy about things with her. She'll start attaching herself to people who are THERE. And kids are resilient! You're making deep impressions on her at this young of an age. Look at how I can remember my first day of pre-school and how terrified and confused I felt! You are giving your daughter positive and good impressions that will be just as lasting.

 

I know you can't just forget about him but please be careful about something. You asked if you should show him you're moving on. A guy like him isn't going to want you to. On one hand, not letting him know you're moving on will keep him quieter but at the same time, giving him a false impression could potentially become a disaster when you very well may have the slobbering dogs, happy kiddo and a new, better man because it will be a shock to his system he will not like. Finding out he's lost control will anger him and sometimes that can go so badly it ends in homicide.

 

I think your best bet is to slowly give him the truth is small chunks so he can get used to it over time. He'll probably find a way to occupy himself for a while and eventually he will too start feeling some distance. He's convincing himself you worship the ground he walks on, from what you said, to retain his inflated ego. Just ignore him the best you can when he does that. As well as you need time away for the feelings to fade, so does he.

 

Controlling people do slowly lose interest in the object of their desire and make no mistake about that! To him you are an object. Like an old toy. Mine, mine, mine! He wants no one else to play with it (you) but he doesn't feeling like playing with it either because it's old and got boring. It's just not new anymore.

 

I'd bet that last thing I said made so much sense to you!

 

Just do your best on the bad days. Run a warm lavender bubble bath and if you have a little radio to put some of your favorite songs on to listen to at the same time, even better. Take that awesome kid of yours to the park or a playground and just talk to some people.

 

Above all else, don't worry about him because he's plenty worrying about him. You can't BOTH be worrying about him.

[tippydog90]

Luckylady,

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I cannot tell all of you how much the support and encouragement I am receiving on this thread is helping me right now. I just feel so lost and in all honesty, traumatized right now. It is like my head is spinning out of control with so many thoughts and emotions it is overwhelming.

 

 

And thank you for your kind words about my daughter. I am so worried about her and hearing your words has helped so very much. I love her with all my heart. I have always felt the need to give her the perfect life and from what I have read a lot of adoptive parents feel that way - I guess because we have been given the trust of raising a child that someone else could not. So the guilt is tough, I wanted her to have everything. And she will always have a mama that would do anything in the world for her and who treasures her. I am so very sorry that your childhood was so difficult. I cannot even imagine what you must have gone through. I am so glad you found a family, a mother, who was there for you. I worry about my husband using my daughter as a pawn, which he is already doing. He didn't come to see her Sunday and blamed it on me - he didn't want to "see me" so therefore he didn't see her. So he is still continuing to try and emotionally hurt me by blaming me for him not seeing our daughter. I don't even begin to fathom how he may use her in the future. I will do everything in my power to protect her though.

 

 

As far as my husband, it just seems as though he is completely unable to feel, no empathy, compassion or ability to love. I have read a lot about narcissism and sociopathy and I really feel he fits these descriptions. It is like I have been just a pawn in his game. Once I served my purpose (getting money for housing from the Army), then he really started to turn up the cruelty - by telling me he never loved me at all. However, my husband also is not a "cunning" type person, at least not overtly. He is more very, very emotionally stunted and immature and doesn't come across as this highly intelligent, calculating person. He is like a little boy in some ways. Which is why I thought for so long it might just be naivety in relationships since he really never had anything meaningful before me. I thought he just didn't know how to relate. But that does not explain his absolute hatred of the love I showed my dogs, my friendship with my best friend, etc. It seems as though it had to be "all about him" and nothing else. Nor does it explain what appears to be the pleasure he takes in hurting me. I just don't know "what" he is and I guess it doesn't matter.

 

 

I do agree that I need to take it slow when it comes to showing him I am moving on. He has this "need" to feel as though I am falling apart without him and cannot live without him. The few times I have mentioned I was "moving on" I could tell he didn't like it at all. And that brings up another point that I am really struggling with. We live in a tiny, tiny town and the thought of running into him with another woman literally almost makes me sick to my stomach. I have a feeling it won't take long for him to find another victim. And his past choice in women was reprehensible (something I didn't find out until long after we were married), so I worry about this as far as my daughter is concerned and the impact a trashy woman might have on her life as well. I am trying to transfer with my job right now to get out of here, and hopefully that will happen soon because it makes me sick to think of us both living in such a small place.

 

 

Another thing he keeps saying is that he thinks he will get a "restraining order" against me because he is under this impression that I am going to stalk him or something. I have NO idea where that is coming from either. He doesn't have any justification to ask for a restraining order and it is just crazy and delusional. But I am afraid for some reason he might try and cause me the humiliation of even requesting something like that.

 

 

To be honest, I just wish so much he would disappear. He is so toxic and sick. Thank you all for all your support, this forum is helping me get through this time so much. I just am overwhelmed by all of this right now.

[Zahara]

Tippy, how are you doing?

[tippydog90]

Zahara - I am doing OK I suppose. I am still struggling a lot, I have days where I feel pretty good and then I have days where I just almost fall apart. The pain is just so intense at times. He told me the other day he left (actually I asked him to leave because things got so bad) because he "wanted his freedom". I just cannot wrap my head around a man who walks out on his wife and 2 year old daughter for his "freedom". Although because of the emotional abuse I know it is absolutely for the best, it is still incredibly painful because I really wanted us to work on our marriage, get counseling, and try to work through everything. He was unwilling to try any of those things. And I now am trying to tell myself he actually gave me a gift, my freedom from a man that has no capacity to feel anything for anyone other than himself. I think what is hardest is I remember the time when things were so different and he was kind and loving. I guess that was just to reel me in, use me, and then discard me as he has done. He is leaving for a job in a week and will be gone for a month, I have asked him not to contact me in any way during that month. I need a lot of distance from him right now, and I think I will for a long time to come. I told him I would send him photos of our little girl and an email update, but I simply cannot speak to him or hear from him at all during this time. Every day is a struggle for me in many ways and I still feel like such an idiot for ever believing him and then for not recognizing what was really going on for so long. I made so many excuses for him, thought he was just "naïve" and inexperienced in relationships and tried to justify his callous and painful words that way. I just don't know how I will ever be able to trust anyone again. At this point I would rather live the rest of my life alone that ever put my heart on the line again. And that realization is also incredibly painful for me as well. Our little girl is doing well, she rarely asks about him anymore and is very happy. She has however started having severe temper tantrums the last 6-8 weeks - something she NEVER had before, so that concerns me a lot. I hope those subside soon. I love her so much and hate him for what he has done to such a little, innocent girl. I will never forgive him for that.

[SoleMate]

<long list of unusually cruel behavior>....telling me he never loved me at all and only married me to get out of the barracks....

So, at least he is honest with you. 100% clear you need to get yourself and your daughter away from him as fast as possible and don't look back. Then, therapy to help yourself develop better man-picking skills and to pick up the pieces of this painful marriage.

[tippydog90]

Sole-Mate,

Trust me, I am not going to be "picking any more men". Done. And just to be clear, he was much, much different when we met. What happened started slowly and rather subtly, and given his inexperience in long term relationships, at first I chalked it up to just being naïve and clueless. And I honestly believe to a certain extent, that was the case at first. He doesn't relate well to other people in general and really lacks social skills. However, as time went on, I could no longer use the excuses I used at first to rationalize his behavior. So, I am beating myself up about this whole relationship already. And I am done with men.

[Zahara]

I'm sure this is very hard for you. Everything you feel is normal. You're grieving, just as when you grieve the death of a loved one -- you're grieving the death of your relationship. Just know that it won't always be this way. This too will pass.

 

I know it's hard to wrap your head around his behavior and that's exactly why you have to leave and move on from him because his dysfunction will never allow you to have the life you want. He easily walks away because there is lack of attachment and the fact that there is a level of selfishness that puts his needs and wants ahead of anyone else's. It's hard for you to decipher his behavior because you're of a different make, you're wired differently.

 

Yes, he has given you a gift. You have been bestowed a blessing because there are many women that will stay and tolerate an abusive situation but you are choosing to walk away and that in itself speaks of the inner power and courage that you have within you. You will get through this.

 

Focus on your little one and shower her with love and care and don't forget to do that for yourself as well. This is the time to treat yourself with kindness.

[tippydog90]

Thanks Zahara. Your encouraging words really help me because I just feel like I am in such turmoil most of the time. Some days are fine and others are just hell. I find it incredibly difficult to be around him, thankfully he is leaving in 6 days and will be gone for a month. I just want to lash out at him, I feel such intense anger right now it is hard to keep cool. He deserves it, every bit of it though. What kind of man just abandons his wife and 3 year old daughter for "freedom". It is like a sick joke and I want to just scream at him and tell him I think he is a pathetic loser!!! And I am normally such a peaceful, kind person and I don't want to be any of those things to him. I hate to say it but I hope he forever remembers what he has done and it haunts him forever. I just keep reminding myself how cruel and hurtful his words and actions were and just remind myself to be thankful he is gone. Sometimes that lessens the pain, sometimes not - mostly when I think of my daughter and how innocent she is and how much she loves him. I hate him for what he did to her. Instead of being a man, getting help, and acting honorably - he was a coward. And I hope he always feels like one. I know that is hateful, but that is where I am right now.

[tippydog90]

Well I thought I would give everyone an update since you have all been so supportive of me. The divorce was final on 11/17. I feel relieved now, but also an intense measure of pain. I guess wishing for all the things my marriage should have been, and was not. Wishing he had been a kind, gentle man who actually had compassion and empathy and the ability to love. But he was not. Feeling ashamed because I ever believed in him at all. I suppose in time these feelings will subside. But right now, I am still on this roller coaster of emotions and it feels like I will never get off, though it is better than it was a few months ago.

 

 

As far as the settlement - I have pretty much full custody of my daughter. His visitation is very limited because he works on the road and just isn't around much. But he really didn't seem to care too much about a lot of visitation any way. Funny thing is - the only parts of the settlement he really cared about had to do with anything financial. All the "non-financial" stipulations just were not of concern to him. He didn't even want to pay $30 a month for a life insurance policy. This is a man who has 150K in the bank and he couldn't buy life insurance? Also, I ended up paying for almost all of the divorce in spite of the fact that he was the one that walked out and he wanted his "freedom". He said "well you filed first, if you had let me file first, I would have paid for most of it....". I filed first because I was sick of his abuse and sick of him walking out on his family and because he told me over and over he didn't love me and he wanted a divorce. So I just decided to get it over with. I am assuming his ego is bruised because I filed and he wanted to control the situation. So therefore, I ended up paying for almost everything, with him offering to pay a small amount of my fees. He had 10x the assets I had, yet this is how it ended up. I guess there is no consideration for the fact that my savings is now depleted by half, yet I am the one with almost sole responsibility for our daughter. I have to say I feel intense anger about this, but I just have to let it go. It is over.

 

 

I can say the last few times I have spoken with him he has sounded absolutely miserable. And he was so sure his freedom was going to buy his happiness. It has now been almost two months since he has seen our daughter because he has been on the road. She hardly ever talks about him anymore. The whole situation for her just breaks my heart. But she is so happy, well adjusted, smart, beautiful and is my sunshine, so we will be OK.

 

 

Thank you all for your support. I hope time heals as they say, because there is a lot of damage inside me right now that needs healing.