Complicated Situation, he has a Girlfriend

[greenies]

I've known this man for 3.5 years now. I met him b/c I was using his pro services. He left his "firm" so to speak over a year ago and I started seeing him more often & in a more relaxed environment. I had always felt attracted to him, but it wasn't until his first visit after separating from his firm that sparks were flying. This was 9/13 & flirting & getting to know each other better would contin thru 1/14. By flirting I mean touching, hugs, & stuff nothing verbally inappropriate. I'm 29 and he's mid 30's. By 2/14 I started engaging him in non-pro just friendly texts to see where this might lead as I was enthralled. He's a very unique individual and I have lead an equally unusual life. He is foreign.

 

While he was always friendly & a bit flirty via text they never crossed any lines. I finally got the courage up & asked him to dinner to which he replied that he would love to, but he had prior work commitments (sad faces) but def the next time he was up. We're both located in the same state (1.25 hrs apart) but during the winter months he's south for work, but flies back & forth. I ended up down south and we met for lunch. Lunch was platonic & a storm rolled in & rained us out. He offered to drive me back to my car.

 

Once we arrived at my car he hugged me goodbye (in his car) & kissed me on my cheek. I pulled back & we both lingered w/ our faces. I think I went in for a kiss 1st. After our first kiss we kind of both had a moment of looking into each other eyes then he grabbed me & we were making out ferociously. It was fantastic for approx 1 min when he interrupted us & pushed me back to say "You have a BF & I have a GF"... I was shocked, I had no idea. All the prior checking I had done would indicate that he did not. I informed him that I was actually separated from my hubby. He replied that I told him on his 3rd visit that I had a BF. I kind of remember mentioning my hubby, but I was surprised at his attention to that kind of detail. He told me he & his GF had been dating for 2 yrs & that she was in the same pro as him.

He apologized profusely & looked quite shocked at what had just happened. He was saying that our situation is a bit complicated & somehow he reached for me & we began making out & groping again. It would continue on like this for the next 40 min of starting & stopping. He lost all composure & keep repeating at least 20x "you're crazy hot". I asked him if he & his GF were breaking up anytime soon to which he replied "you'll be the first to know". Then I said to him after more making out, "what no crazy hot GF?", he shook his head "no" & said "She's not like you, you are really special." Pls keep in mind that my verbal skills were at a kindergarden level at this point b/c I would have asked him more of what he meant, but we were both really flustered. He repeated that "I would be the first to know if they break up." At the end he kept saying "I can't even look at you right now" & he was literally looking out his car window in the opposite direction & appeared to be in physical pain almost. He kept repeating that & looking at me & back out the window. He also kept apologizing to me saying how sorry he was even as we were entangled in making out & groping. I stayed respectful & while yes I was kissing I kept my hands mostly to myself whereas he was a bit more adventurous. We parted ways on a goodbye kiss, & he agreed to continue working for me pro. Later that day my flight had been canceled so I text him, saying that I was sorry about earlier & blah. He text back saying that he was sorry, but that it was good to see me. Don’t worry about it & that if anything changes he would certainly let me know.

I ended up experiencing such a vast amount of stress from this situation that I became quite sick. Now it’s 4/14- we began getting friendly again via text, he was concerned about my health. He was at my place of business for another client & he let me know he was coming. He seemed so happy to see me. I was freaking out internally & felt very uncomfortable having our 1st face 2 face in front of colleagues so I ended-up acting a bit cold, standoff-ish, and prob strange towards him. Prior to him arriving that day after he told me he was coming I asked if he wanted to grab lunch he said that he had a colleague w/ him/ have to be quick & that it might not be worth it 4 me. I asked if he wanted to have dinner then a diff time, he said “sure” and he said the weekend after next. Went then transpired was a 3 week dance of him always being L someplace else. While it is true that he was in all those places instead of saying look I don’t think it’s a good idea he kept putting me off saying “next weekend maybe” & then it was the same stuff. I gave up by the time it was May.

Now to summarize from May till Sept- We have seen each other quite a bit since then both for pro visits & also running into each other at functions. He is always giving me hello & goodbye hugs, & kisses on the cheek. He has gone above & beyond for me pro & done things for me that in the same situation would not do 4 others. He has engaged in pro services that are out of his realm for me & on weekends. He gets very tongue tied & awkward when around me in function type of settings. He no longer introduces me as a client to others he just states my name. He has been concerned for my safety on occasions & always defends me to others. He has been supportive towards me emotionally on a few situations that have arisen & has acted as if he cares. There have been 1,000+ texts since the car. Pro, friendly, joking around, and him being supportive & encouraging towards me in some disappointing situations that have happened (real stuff not drama). He did say that I am beautiful via text once recently. He has been acting more open w/ me & emotional towards me lately.

Whenever we are at events I catch him talking to others but staring at me. Even when my back is to him. I feel this unexplainable pull to him & whenever I see him I can hardly breathe, almost hyper-ven. The longing looks have gotten to the point of being ridiculous. Recently at an event he saw me sitting at a table w/ a colleague & he came over pulled out a chair next to me & stayed there for 2.5hrs. He only left to get me wine & food. He brought back 1 plate & 1 fork for us to share. He answered my colleague’s questions when she spoke to him but he only engaged me in convo. Then on 1 of his trips to the buffet he ran into the clients he was there for & they wanted him to join them, he refused, & redirected them to our table. They joined us & we all had a great time joking around & he was constantly laughing & looking at me. He seemed attentive to my reactions. I was shocked that he joined me as he was so elusive before.

Also we have NEVER been alone together except for that time in the car. He always has a colleague w/ him due to the nature of his business so talking privately is almost impossible.

He has an extremely demanding career & is always working & traveling all over the place. He is top 10 in the world in his field. If he is disinterested in someone he isn’t particularly engaging. He comes off as being self-absorbed in his own world which he prob is & doesn’t bother me as I am somewhat the same. He is not very attentive to others & does not act this way w/ other clientele leaving the making out part out I meant the friendly part. I figured out who his GF is & I have actually met her years ago as she was at the same “firm” as him but below him. They were not dating then. I don’t have anything against her, I am sure she is very nice if I remember correctly. She is not a beauty queen, but always seems very happy in pics. I think it obvious that neither of us want to engage in an affair. I’m a bit lost as I have tried to walk away from this, I have cut off contact for a month at a time, but in the end now I feel like this is very unfinished & he & I have never had a convo about what happened between us. I need a resolution. I don’t want to be in the same place next summer trying to decipher how he feels. This is tricky b/c of the pro aspect & I don’t want to make him so uncomfortable that he drops me pro. Pushing him is obviously not a good way to go w/ this guy. Just looking for any insight from others as to how I might be able to push this along to a resolution? I’m quite logical & understand the situation. Yes, I am aware that he could break-up w/ his GF unless for some pro reason she’s there. He has no pics of her on his FB, & any pics I’ve seen of them at parties he’s on his phone & she’s smiling w/ colleagues. I want to be able to better understand where I fall w/ him & why he’s choosing the path that he is or is anything going to change?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Gosh, it does not seem like there is anything to show for a relationship, as you both are reacting to physical attraction and desires. You both are ignoring the an issue that most women would hold a red flag to.

 

He is definitely not mature and both in verbal skills.

 

If you want FWB from him go ahead, but don't expect him to dump what is comfy now for you when he has you all hot n bothered in waiting.

[anika99]

I don't think this is as complicated as you're making it sound. I think the guy is happy with his GF and has no plans to break up with her. He enjoys your attention as well as it strokes his ego and makes him feel good. He deliberately avoids meeting with you alone because he does not want to get physical with you. Most likely because he believes as long as he doesn't have sex with you it isn't cheating.

 

 

I don't know why you continue to chase this guy. Every time you try to get him alone he finds a way to get out of it. Doesn't that leave you with kind of a bad feeling. If I invited a guy to meet me alone and he evaded me I would not ask a second time. Even if he had a valid excuse I would not extend another invitation, I would leave the ball in his court and if he didn't make the next move that would be all the information I need.

 

 

You say he is concerned for you, offers you encouragement and has defended you. Whoa!! Why are you letting this guy be your rescuer? You sound needy and perhaps that appeals to him but obviously not enough to ditch the GF and come running to get you as his one and only.

 

 

He enjoys the flirting, the attention and the attraction and he's not going to stop it. Why would he? There is no cost to him to keep doing what he's doing. You say you want a resolution, yet you don't want to question him or walk away. I say if you don't do something then you will still be in this very same spot a year from now. He is having fun. It is fun to have a gf and have another woman swooning at the same time. I think if he had to give up his gf for you then he wouldn't see it as much fun anymore. Are you going to keep being this guys entertainment?

[greenies]

Thanks for your opinion. I agree there isn't much of a relationship to show, not really sure what to even call it...

 

I don't think he's wanting a FWB situation otherwise I think he would have pursued that by now. I know that would only set me up for more pain as I really like this guy & care about him. I want to be w/ him & I know that FWB or affairs never seem to end happily for the OW & I just don't want to go there. That said, I'm clearly still engaging in some kind of something as I just won't let go. I guess what I'm looking for is to know how he feels & if I'm just hanging on to a hopeless situation. Idk how to get this resolution from him w/o compromising the pro & furthermore even how?! We're always w/ people, never an opportunity for discussion.

 

Any advice anyone??? Thx

[yessy21]

Find someone that wont do that to their GF.

 

 

then you will have a keeper.

 

 

You sound like your trying to take something that is clearly not available.

 

 

your stroking his ego that's all.

 

 

u will always be number two.

 

 

be with someone that respects his gf and put you as number 1

[whatatangledweb]

I honestly don't think he wants more. This has been going on for a year and he seems to be avoiding being alone with you more and more. He knows you want more but does not take advantage of it.

 

I'm sure he likes you as a friend which is why he helps you. He is also attracted to you which is why he avoids being alone with you. He seems to be trying to keep boundaries in place and can not do it when it is just the two of you.

 

You can straight out ask him but you risk him avoiding you at all costs. I think you already know this is hopeless. I am sorry.

[DKT3]

If you haven't "FINISHED" things with your husband that should be your first step.

 

As others have said this isn't complicated at all, your just physically attracted to this guy and he is also in return. From the sounds of it you don't know him at all and have been in an extended first attraction period and your starting to fill in the gaps with part fantasy and part what your ideal man would be. Promise he isn't that. Another thing, you have no idea what he is like with other women when your no around. Do you think he would be the way he is with you if his GF was there?

 

It really comes down to this "you don't want this to stop, you want to have this guy" if you wanted it to stop it would. He is a man, if he wanted it he would make it happen. You are really chasing a man who enjoys the chase but honestly isn't all that interested.

 

Your a smart woman, you already know how this will end, so why are you so willingly walking into the fire?

[greenies]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I agree that the situation isn't that complex it's just that the forum rejected my other titles so it was the best I could come up with!

 

I realize after reading the responses that the answers that I'm still seeking can only come from one person and I'm unfortunately not going to be able to get those easily.

 

I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. One person felt that I was being "needy". I was having trouble trying to explain that aspect of the "relationship" (I use that term loosely) & I tried my best to convey, but when reading it as an outsider it does come across as neediness. I can assure you I am not, he is not rushing to hold my hand. It would make sense if I explained, but I don't want to compromise any ambiguity.

 

To address the husband remark- it is all finalized, very much a non issue pertaining to this situation, but yes would otherwise have been good advice!

 

I guess the only additional advice that I would seek is any suggestions on how to have a convo with him about all of this i.e; logistics, what to say, and so forth since as one person noted he is emotionally immature and our communication has been null regarding our whatever this is?

 

Thanks!

[jellybean89]

I agree with the others. I don't see a guy who wants a relationship with you. I see a guy who knows you are smitten with him and he enjoys the ego feed. You say he has no time to be alone with you (someone is 'always' with him), but if he was truly interested in having an affair he would easily get time alone with you. You have time to text with him, but not time to have a conversation with him (even on the phone)?

 

What do you feel needs to be finished? Having sex? Having a relationship? You both are in relationships and he doesn't seem to have any desire to end it. Just because he doesn't have a FB site full of his g/f doesn't mean they don't have a good, happy relationship. I think he avoids being alone with you because he doesn't want to make out like a teenager in a car again; he knows he crossed a line and he knows you could potentially blow up his world if he blew you off.

 

Figure out if you want to be with your H/BF (wasn't quite sure which one it was - and the fact that you mentioned it to him and he remembered doesn't mean anything romantic - it means he pays attention to details). Deal with your relationship. Stop reaching out to this guy, stop romanticizing this 'relationship' and act professional. If he wanted things to 'progress', he would have made a move. Don't throw yourself at him - it isn't good for you.

 

Can you just let it go? Can you just leave it alone and not contact him? I see a lot of pain in your future because I think you see something that isn't there.

[DKT3]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I agree that the situation isn't that complex it's just that the forum rejected my other titles so it was the best I could come up with!

 

I realize after reading the responses that the answers that I'm still seeking can only come from one person and I'm unfortunately not going to be able to get those easily.

 

I agree with most of what everyone is saying here. One person felt that I was being "needy". I was having trouble trying to explain that aspect of the "relationship" (I use that term loosely) & I tried my best to convey, but when reading it as an outsider it does come across as neediness. I can assure you I am not, he is not rushing to hold my hand. It would make sense if I explained, but I don't want to compromise any ambiguity.

 

To address the husband remark- it is all finalized, very much a non issue pertaining to this situation, but yes would otherwise have been good advice!

 

I guess the only additional advice that I would seek is any suggestions on how to have a convo with him about all of this i.e; logistics, what to say, and so forth since as one person noted he is emotionally immature and our communication has been null regarding our whatever this is?

 

Thanks!

 

Seeking closure or an ending in these situations is really seeking a way to stay engaged. This isn't a relationship and needs no closure, simply stop. Nothing is going to change by prolonging it. Move on, start focusing on available men. Honestly if you go back and list all the things you've said about this guy what is the appeal? Is he really good looking because he sounds like a tool.

[greenies]

Jellybean- My ex-hub is not in the picture nor was he ever a factor in this situation. I am single.

 

Due to professional reasons it would be impossible for me to cut off all contact and never see him again. It is inevitable that we will be working together and running into each other at events on a regular basis.

 

I'm not chasing him- the only chasing I did was a 3 week period back in April where I was responding to someone who kept asking me if "I was free for dinner the next weekend"... I would have taken a hint a lot sooner but if you knew his work schedule you would understand why I was confused.

 

He doesn't know that I know who his GF is, nor did he ever give me the whole "don't tell anyone" line. Not that I think he wants this out there obviously. It would have been much easier for him to drop me as a client, I don't believe that he's pacifying me to protect himself.

 

The answers that I'm seeking aren't really complex, but it's something that I feel I need for myself, so while I agree the easiest and best solution would be to forget about it, that is not always the easiest thing to do.

 

Thank you though for your input.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I am sorry to say this but you are keeping this as and endless loop of dispare. You see there is nothing gained staying any where near this guy. so why keep reaching out???

 

You are definatly a loving and caring woman, save it for someone more deserving than this guy.

 

 

He had it simple, in giving you simple peasures, and not much more. Hell any one here could do that if they were willing to play you along. There are many men to choose from, just look for the one who can be there for you in every way. The pleasures you will be given in romance and passions will make what you have so much less than to be desired. Just turn away and tell yourself good riddence, and be done with it.

[gia37]

I have a somehow similar situation. If you really really love the guy, give it time, Id say... and dont text him first/eagerly, try to meet him in real situations. Let him come to you. All these remarks that he would have already engaged into a relationship with you if he had really wanted... every case in different. You have to be strong/ concentrate on yourself, this restores your power.

 

It s also possible that what happened in the car made him lose some interest in you because he already tasted the forbidden fruit...

Edited October 4, 2014 by gia37

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I am sorry to say this but you are keeping this as and endless loop of dispare. You see there is nothing gained staying any where near this guy. so why keep reaching out???

 

You are definatly a loving and caring woman, save it for someone more deserving than this guy.

 

 

He had it simple, in giving you simple peasures, and not much more. Hell any one here could do that if they were willing to play you along. There are many men to choose from, just look for the one who can be there for you in every way. The pleasures you will be given in romance and passions will make what you have so much less than to be desired. Just turn away and tell yourself good riddence, and be done with it.

[greenies]

Gia37- I would really like to speak with you more in depth. I don't think I can PM you on here due to my being a new member. I'd really like to hear about your situation and see if perhaps we can help each other? Let me know your thoughts? Maybe we can start our own thread or just speak here?

Edited October 5, 2014 by greenies
Added more

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Greenies, you can learn most people's stories by clicking on their username and checking their post history. It sometimes provides helpful background about the poster and their perspective.

 

This situation really isn't complicated. He said you would be the first person to know if he broke up with his girlfriend, right? He hasn't yet, has he? That combined with the fact that he consistently avoids any opportunity to see you alone, suggests he is not interested in a relationship. If you really want to force the issue you know how to contact him, but I think you know in your heart how it will end.

 

As for why he goes above and beyond for you, he no doubt wants to keep you satisfied professionally, because he doesn't want to be on your bad side. I would view it less as a token of affection and more as a bribe to ensure you don't say anything.

Edited October 5, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ