In love with my room mate.

[PaperCrane]

Very new to these forums, and on seeking relationship advice from the internet; however I'm in search of advice on a rather interesting situation. I'm room-mates with a girl I am positive I'm in love with. Below is a story of what has happened until now. I'm entirely unsure of how to proceed.

 

Backstory: Recently left a long term (8 year) relationship. Well, not that recently, more along the lines of a year ago.

 

This encompassed a large portion of my adult life from age 20 to 28. I've had other smaller relationships; however this was the longest and the majority of my relationship knowledge.

 

 

I'll give the tl;dr right now:

 

- Made friend with a girl, now 'best friends'.

 

- We're always heavily flirty with each other. Levels of bare skin are pretty high. Sexual jokes are common.

 

- Missed a chance at kissing her, well, twice actually. Never had this issue before.

 

- She starts dating a guy who ends up cheating on her.

 

- We moved in together.

 

- She breaks up with cheating boyfriend.

 

- Asked her out officially. I was rejected; moved on.

 

- Level of affection from her skyrockets. Feelings ignited once again.

 

- Now I'm in love with my room-mate.

 

- What the hell do I do?

 

 

Long version:

 

 

I met a girl around November of 2013 through a mutual friend while in a transition period at a job from finishing my degree and starting a career focused path.

 

She was a quick friend and an often late night text buddy. She had a FWB situation with the mutual friend, so I respected that space. She was also a bit younger than I.

 

Time moved forward, that FWB situation ended badly between them, I had dated a few women whom simply did not fit with me and through all of it we were there for each other; hanging out, going to eat, adventures, late night drives, listening to music, you know...all the nice cliché stuff that makes little fuzzy bunnies inside of you jump for joy.

 

Around March of this year we started spending time in a more romantically serious manner. I was still getting over my recent major breakup of 8 years so I was amazingly rusty at the art of dating. When I realized this, I was driving along a road at about quarter past midnight with this amazingly beautiful girl, my friend, who was looking out my window lost somewhere in thought.

 

It hit me all at once then that I was done. I was so far done, in that I stumbled into my feelings and I knew that I liked her.

 

Well… no, ‘liked’ is too soft of a word. I was falling for her; and hard. I had an overwhelming urge to kiss her at that moment but I hesitated. That has not happened before. I've never really hesitated when I wanted to kiss a girl. I would feel it and do it, and move on from there be it a bad or well received outcome. This moment though, it felt like I was on a ledge. A ledge I should have leaped from but didn't.

 

It came out soon after that, that she started seeing someone, and it hurt. It was someone I worked with whom I asked not to try and do anything with her because I was moving slowly due to my recent history and had real feelings for her. He agreed, however he broke his word on that. I understood though. I didn't take strides when I should have.

 

As of a month and a half ago they broke up due to many things, not the least of which him cheating on her, lies and lack of effort. During the time before that, she told me that she would have kissed me on that night back in March. It did not help me then at all, seeing as how she wasn't single when the truth came out. All of her friends and family would say how she should give me a chance; even her father calls me his 'son-in-law' which definitely feels weird. If this is what the so called 'friend-zone' feels like, it for sure sucks.

 

Moving forward a bit in time once again; we've moved in together into a nice apartment as it mutually benefits both of us, and the price is perfect. We spend nights on the couch cuddling. She always sits rather sexually with me; legs spread, short shorts, lots of tickling and body contact. When we're with friends she gravitates to my side.

 

I decided to finally ask her out on a real date, but she declined. She says she has deep feelings for me, but not like that.

 

I accepted the answer and went about my life as normal. Sure, I still have feelings but I have to respect her answer. After that, within the past couple of weeks the physical contact from her has increased. I've been kissed on the cheek multiple times. I receive random body rubs. Sexual innuendos are housed in almost every conversation she has with me. Basically, the level of tension is at an 11 out of 10.

 

Last night, in the hallway to our rooms we went in for a hug, but I stopped it short by running my hands through her hair. She pushed her face into my chest and looked up at me (This was the second missed chance), and we just finished the hug and went to bed.

 

Here lies my dilemma. If I weren't living with her I'd have just taken a chance by now and lived with it.

 

I've dated a number of women, and have never once felt the level of attraction or desire to be in someone’s presence as I have with this girl. Being with her is intoxicating. I don't know why I hesitate at every opportunity. Should I just go for it and see where the chips fall? Am I being used as a flirtation outlet? Should I just enjoy the attention and do nothing, despite the fact this girl and everything about her screams at me to tell her I love her?

 

Sorry for the long winded post. Any advice would be helpful.

[Mary May and Bobby]

"She says she has deep feelings for me, but not like that." This sure as heck sounds like she's parked you at the friend zone. Now, when paired with all the other flirty things you guys have going on, it means she's either a tease, or is simply confused.

 

Just for the sake of time, I'm only gonna explore the option that she is just a tease.

 

In this case there's only one thing you can do. Retreat.

 

And living in the same house can make it all the more effective, if you do it right.

 

So, take it away from her. She can't treat you like a poodle, like a cuddle buddy she wants to cuddle and pet and keep her company but nothing else. No, stop that. Start to distance yourself from THAT area of your friendship. Leave everything else the same, but don't be the recipient to her teasing.

 

So, if you use to do watch movies together, fine. But no more cuddling or physical contact or anything. Let it be known that is she wants a friend, she can have a friend, but if she wants something more, then it's something more entirely.

 

It's not like doing that is gonna guarantee she's gonna change her mind, but it does give you more chances I believe.

 

Good luck.

[PaperCrane]

"She can't treat you like a poodle, like a cuddle buddy she wants to cuddle and pet and keep her company but nothing else. No, stop that. Start to distance yourself from THAT area of your friendship. Leave everything else the same, but don't be the recipient to her teasing."

 

Sound advice that I've tried. After the moment that you quoted me on, many of my friends encouraged the same. I would defend my personal space. She made it apparent she would scale those walls. Jumping on me while I'm reading to ruffle my hair and peck me somewhere. Running to the bathroom in only a towel. Tell me how much she misses me. Normal 'look at meeee' type of actions and of course an apt display of feminine wiles.

 

Don't get me wrong. I like it, to an extent. I want, dearly, to take this further but I know she holds the power in this situation as I've already laid my cards plain to see.

 

Never really had to take this further though. If I were to cut that facet of me away, what would be the most respectable way to go about it?

[PaperCrane]

Well, I guess this may need an update.

 

I've tried following the advice, well to be more accurate I have been following the advice but it seems she is keen on continuing whatever it is she is trying to do. I may just be incredibly dense as to what is happening, or I know what it is and I may be scared to admit it. Whatever the case is, I know my perception is clouded.

 

I feel as if I've been transported back in time to when I was 15. It's getting to the point where something has to give but I don't know from where and the repercussions from either action or inaction are equally terrible.