Dinner with Ex 5 weeks after Breakup - What does this text mean?

[citrusgreen]

Ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago. You can see some about our breakup in my previous thread. We'd been together a year and a half. Hit a make-up/break-up cycle toward the end. He was very passionate, deeply, deeply loving, and definitely "in love" with me. He's in his late 20s (I'm older than he is), but this was his first "relationship" and the first time he was in love. He was almost EXCEPTIONALLY attached to me throughout the relationship. There was never any issue of his attraction/love fading. He pretty much chased me the entire time (but then would break things off). He has commitment issues, as evidenced by the fact that he'd never had an actual relationship before.

 

Since day one of the breakup he continued to contact me. Super loving texts. I was EXTREMELY reluctant in responding to him -- meaning 95% of the time I didn't respond at all. And when I did, it was generally kind, but a bit distant/neutral.

 

During this he also became increasingly persistent about wanting to SEE me -- and wanting to talk in person. Like VERY persistent. I don't respond to the first 5 or so requests. Then he gets me on the phone (twice in one day) and really strongly urges me to see him. I say I'll think about it. After that, communication from him fades a bit for awhile. This is upsetting to me (but I assume given my reluctance to meet, he may be giving me space). Then I finally agree to meet up. Met last night --it's 5 weeks post b/u at this point.

 

Takes me to dinner at restaurant I like -- and then just makes small talk the entire time. It's weird! I feel awkward, almost bored. Walks me back to my place, and I say goodbye somewhat abruptly and thank him for dinner. He said he had a really nice time. I feel actually surprised that he's saying this (since I felt awkward and frustrated the entire time). I somewhat abruptly walk into my apt. bldg. After I do, I turn around and see he's still standing there...I go back out, and say "I'm sorry if I was rude." He says he doesn't think I was rude at all and had a really nice time.

 

We have a bit more of an emotional conversation at that point (as per usual, I don't really say what I feel -- and I don't suggest I want him back, though it's not clear to me if he on his own might think I do). He says how much he loves me, but also enumerates problems in our relationship. Then we have this beautiful intense hugging session, which I don't ever want to end. I can tell that at that point he starts to feel more emotional -- like it's intense. We can't even look at each other while we part ways (at least I can't).

 

Walking back up into my apartment alone feels incredibly painful. I feel like I could have maybe gotten him to come up, but I didn't go there at all.

 

The separation anxiety feels intense. I wind up calling him 2 hours later (like 1AM). This is something I NEVER EVER do. Not even while we were together. He doesn't pick up, I don't leave a message. Then at 2:30am he texts me:

 

"You called...but I didn't pick up...I'm drunk...and clearly I'm still in love with you... I wanna **** you till you cry...but I don't want to lose you as a friend...I respect you so much... I don't know what to do....I ask myself this every day." Then: "You are the first woman I ever dated...and I love you..."

 

I'm dying. I miss him so much. I'm also somewhat shocked (and happy) that he's saying he is "in love" with me. He didn't SEEM like he was in love with me at dinner. It all felt so strange. (Note: I know he is EXTREMELY careful about using the term "in love" and he always says I'm the only person he's ever been in love with). I haven't responded. I wish I had responded right on the spot.

 

Is there any hope? Should I put my cards on the table at this point? (as in tell him how I feel?)

[Simon Phoenix]

He wants to f--k you till you cry? That's not exactly romantic.

[citrusgreen]

He wants to f--k you till you cry? That's not exactly romantic.

 

Well, LOL, I see your point ... I guess taken out of context it doesn't sound that way. But in his world it is. And it is to me. And it makes sense within the context of our shared/preferred sexual style (though texting that was, I would say, even a little extreme for him).

 

The significance to me was (A) I was fearful during the entirety of the dinner that perhaps he'd lost attraction to me and his feelings toward me had become platonic. (B) As part of his past "commitment issues" he always said his biggest problem was that he'd quickly lose attraction to the women he was with (like VERY quickly). Somehow this was never the case with me. And now it seems he still hasn't.

 

I regret being cold and awkward at dinner. I regret not being open or even slightly flirtatious.

 

He's maintained up until now that wants/thinks we can be friends/in each other's lives. When he says, in the text "I don't know what to do"....is he wavering about whether or not to engage with me romantically? Or is he just wondering how/whether we can actually be friends?

 

I really don't know what to do. I deeply miss him. I know he deeply misses me too. But I'm pretty sure he's afraid of a relationship. But I wonder if I were to drop my extreme passivity if I could maybe change things? At the same time, I can't bear the idea of rejection/humiliation.

[Simon Phoenix]

He's the one who dumped you. It's not up to you to make it comfortable for him. If anything, you played it exactly right (well, until you started calling him and texting him like a crazy person). You should be cold, you should be passive. He's the one who needs to make the effort, not you. Your original line of thinking (besides stupidly not being No Contact) was the correct one. Your current line of thinking sucks.

 

He broke it. If he wants it back, he needs to fix it. And honestly, if you are getting this nuts over a meeting, you shouldn't be talking to him in the first place.

[citrusgreen]

It's not up to you to make it comfortable for him. If anything, you played it exactly right (well, until you started calling him and texting him like a crazy person). You should be cold, you should be passive.

 

Thanks for your response, Simon. Just wondering where you got the idea that I was "calling/texting like a crazy person?" I haven't initiated any contact at all with him since the breakup 5 weeks ago. He's sent me probably over a hundred texts/chats, etc. since then, and I've responded to maybe 5% of them (and when I do, I've usually waited awhile to do so). I also haven't taken his phone calls for the most part....which on 4 occasions has resulted in him calling me, literally, 20x in a row. Last night - 1x - was the ONLY time I called him.

 

Another thing...The above pattern of communcation was also how it was in our relationship. He was always the one to text/call me. And then also, he'd do the call 20x in a row thing. He'd get really frustrated with me for not picking up or being so slow to respond.

Edited October 3, 2014 by citrusgreen

[evanescentworld]

citrusgreen, have you actually read the No Contact Guide?

 

I think you have some revision to do!

[citrusgreen]

citrusgreen, have you actually read the No Contact Guide?

 

I think you have some revision to do!

 

What do you mean by revision? (sorry unclear)

[evanescentworld]

If you haven't read it, you need to....!

 

If you have previously read it - you need to revise it, because you're missing some important points....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for your response, Simon. Just wondering where you got the idea that I was "calling/texting like a crazy person?" I haven't initiated any contact at all with him since the breakup 5 weeks ago. He's sent me probably over a hundred texts/chats, etc. since then, and I've responded to maybe 5% of them (and when I do, I've usually waited awhile to do so). I also haven't taken his phone calls for the most part....which on 4 occasions has resulted in him calling me, literally, 20x in a row. Last night - 1x - was the ONLY time I called him.

 

Another thing...The above pattern of communcation was also how it was in our relationship. He was always the one to text/call me. And then also, he'd do the call 20x in a row thing. He'd get really frustrated with me for not picking up or being so slow to respond.

 

I got that from your late night phone call. Either way, you are playing a game you are not emotionally equipped to play right now, which is why you should go No Contact and stay No Contact. But you won't.

[BC1980]

After a breakup, or anytime someone is particularly emotional, they say all kinds of things. Talk is cheap, and that is a the truth. It's easy to say something, especially over a text because you are somewhat emotionally removed from the person. He may have said he still loves you, but what has he done to back up that sentiment?

 

I would be very wary of any sort of emotional conversation taking place through texting. Many people have had an ex say they were still in love or still wanted to have sex with them after a breakup, and he is basically using you to work through his grief.

[leoc1973]

ok I know you said you are older than him but age aside he seems like a spoiled kid that is dealing with his mommy.

 

What I mean is he breaks up with you(probably in the middle of some kind of heated argument) which is his little hissy fit. Then he does the exact thing you do to your mom to get her to give you your way. Mom mommy mom mommy mom mom mom ect. Which is his 20 plus phone calls. Constant nagging till you give him his way.

 

If you intend on being back with him then you absolutely need to make him work for it like one of the previous posters said. He broke up and he needs to do the work. And on top of that you really need to make him work for it extra hard because he already knows he can throw a tantrum and then stone you till he gets his way. 20 plus calls is ABSOLUTELY not normal. If my girlfriend calls me twice in a row I purposely don't answer because in the world of cell phones I see the little flashing green light telling me I missed a call. To me a second call is an emergency which requires dropping whatever I am doing to answer the phone and it is not cool.

 

He has to know that losing you forever is a real possibility. If you keep allowing this on again off again then you are going to get your heart broken over and over because guess what? he knows he can always screw up and have you back.

 

Mature people talk through their arguments and disagreements not dump one another. I could never deal with that on again off again thing. I need to know when I am in a relationship that we are a single unit that tackles life's problems together. Not split up every time things get tough.

 

I ran into an ex a few years ago from way back and she asked why we broke up. I told her uhh... because you dumped me. She said she didn't mean it she was just mad at the time. Umm no thank god I got rid of that nut!

[citrusgreen]

ok I know you said you are older than him but age aside he seems like a spoiled kid that is dealing with his mommy.

 

What I mean is he breaks up with you(probably in the middle of some kind of heated argument) which is his little hissy fit. Then he does the exact thing you do to your mom to get her to give you your way. Mom mommy mom mommy mom mom mom ect. Which is his 20 plus phone calls. Constant nagging till you give him his way.

 

Hahaha...this is true...and comic relief is refreshing even in the midst of heartbreak.

 

20 plus calls is ABSOLUTELY not normal. If my girlfriend calls me twice in a row I purposely don't answer because in the world of cell phones I see the little flashing green light telling me I missed a call. To me a second call is an emergency which requires dropping whatever I am doing to answer the phone and it is not cool.

 

Yeah...this phone call thing was actually an ongoing problem in our relationship. I was perhaps a bit too lenient, because he truly does suffer from sometimes near-debilitating anxiety, and there are parts of me that could empathize with the panic he may have felt about not being able to reach me... but the nonstop calling did become an issue (for me because it felt intrusive/annoying/demanding), but more so for him because he was truly convinced that I was purposely ignoring his calls (which was true, though there were a few unfortunate incidents of him not being to reach me for hours on end at crucial times...due to my own irresponsibility or selfishness). He became quite sensitive about it, and this was exacerbated by the fact that I was never diligent about texting him back quickly. The reality is that I'm terrible about this ---all of my friends and other people I've dated have complained....so he's not actually crazy here... but in combination with the calling dynamic, it all caused him a lot of anxiety. This all reached ahead when he went away for 3 weeks shortly before our breakup. He didn't feel I was available enough or proactive about reaching out to him....and he said this really negatively impacted his trip. I see that I'm somewhat to blame here.

 

Not sure what my point is with this other than to thank you(!) for the reality check: him calling 20x (or 40x!) is NEVER acceptable. But also to point out that me giving him "the silent treatment" into this breakup via NC....I'm just not sure it was the right thing, considering our particular history/dynamic.... I'm not entirely convinced NC is way to go here (if part of me wants to rekindle)

[citrusgreen]

After a breakup, or anytime someone is particularly emotional, they say all kinds of things. Talk is cheap, and that is a the truth. It's easy to say something, especially over a text because you are somewhat emotionally removed from the person. He may have said he still loves you, but what has he done to back up that sentiment?

 

I would be very wary of any sort of emotional conversation taking place through texting. Many people have had an ex say they were still in love or still wanted to have sex with them after a breakup, and he is basically using you to work through his grief.

 

He's said I love you a ton of times after we've broken up. And I haven't been responsive.

 

But somehow texting "I'm IN love with you" 2 hours after seeing me for the first time since the breakup...along with the other stuff...would seem to mean something?

 

I felt that, for whatever reason, he made a conscious effort to keep his emotions in check during the meeting. He even said that he thought for the first time of us hanging out we should just focus on having a pleasant time. Somehow I read the late night text as being a better window into how he might really be feeling. Am I insane for thinking it was somewhat positive?

 

I'm regretting not writing back to him in the moment. I'm regretting not responding to all of the other moments where he's reached out. And I'm regretting for all the not writing back I did during our actual relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

Words are cheap. Actions are what pay the bills.

[BC1980]

He's said I love you a ton of times after we've broken up. And I haven't been responsive.

 

But somehow texting "I'm IN love with you" 2 hours after seeing me for the first time since the breakup...along with the other stuff...would seem to mean something?

 

I felt that, for whatever reason, he made a conscious effort to keep his emotions in check during the meeting. He even said that he thought for the first time of us hanging out we should just focus on having a pleasant time. Somehow I read the late night text as being a better window into how he might really be feeling. Am I insane for thinking it was somewhat positive?

 

I'm regretting not writing back to him in the moment. I'm regretting not responding to all of the other moments where he's reached out. And I'm regretting for all the not writing back I did during our actual relationship.

 

But he's texting you all of this and still has no actions to back it up. After everything that has happened, you are right where you started from. So the obvious conclusion to draw is that he talks enough to keep you ok the hook but never follows through with any action. This is very common.

[evanescentworld]

Words are cheap. Actions are what pay the bills.

 

But he's texting you all of this and still has no actions to back it up. After everything that has happened, you are right where you started from. So the obvious conclusion to draw is that he talks enough to keep you ok the hook but never follows through with any action. This is very common.

 

citrusgreen, I repeat my advice. Read the NC GUide, because he is simply behaving like any other dumper who wants the attention, for his own gratification, only in a more extreme sense.

He's doing this to make himself feel good. Not you.

[Betsy_Beth]

Can you please keep us posted about your situation? I am very confused, he dumped you but I think he has strong feelings for you and doesn't really know what he wants and what is important to him.

Def make him work for what he wants and he wants you back he has to be clear what exactly he can offer.

[citrusgreen]

Can you please keep us posted about your situation? I am very confused, he dumped you but I think he has strong feelings for you and doesn't really know what he wants and what is important to him.

Def make him work for what he wants and he wants you back he has to be clear what exactly he can offer.

 

Yes, I know for a fact that he has very strong feelings for me. And I do believe that not only does he still love me, but that he is still in love with me. I also know that he had a very hard time handling ANY kind of stress; that he had difficulty handling the "stress" of a relationship; that he felt that I was always unhappy with him (NOT true, from my perspective...I was mostly quite happy with him).

 

Anyway, to update you:

 

I never wrote back to his intense "I'm clearly still in love with you" text. I later regretted not just writing back in the moment... And I regretted to not writing back to all of the other texts along the way.

 

But sure enough he reached out again a few days later (last Wednesday) saying he was really missing me. He said he really wanted to see me again. He had that day off, and the following two, and I think he probably wanted to see me on one of those days...but instead I said that maybe we could see each other next week or the one following. So now we're supposed to see each other this Thursday.

 

Since I agreed to that plan (that was last Wednesday), he's now texted me more ... he texted me Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (middle of the night) but they're just those little "missing you" / "thinking about you" types of texts. And I haven't responded to ANY of them. Then he called me in the middle of the night Sunday night (last night). Since the breakup I have NOT been responding to these types of texts/calls at all....but now that I have plans to see him Thursday, it feels very awkward not to respond....and frankly I worry that it makes ME look obviously childish/passive aggressive.....and could set a bad tone for our meeting.

 

Given that I already agreed to meet him, what is the best way to handle this?

[Zahara]

Back in April, you posted a thread about an ending with this guy. I believe you said that at the time you were together for 10 months, 2 endings happened and the 3rd one finally stuck but he did the same thing -- inundating you with loving text messages -- and since you're back here after ending #4, I'm guessing you caved and went back to him that time.

 

You're back in the same pattern again. Nothing much has changed. 7 months later he is doing the same thing.

 

Sometimes, we can make all the excuses in the world -- he loves me so much but his dog died so he is depressed, his work causes him stress, he has money issues, he had a bad childhood, he's afraid of relationships -- but you have a situation that is showing you time and time again that it does not work, regardless of the reasons. This is your reality.

 

You play these passive games with him because it's your only defense -- deep down you KNOW you are in for a great deal of hurt because most times, past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. Deep down you're trying to hold up a wall to keep yourself from getting hurt but I can guarantee you that if you go back to him, chances are the pattern will repeat itself. He sounds emotionally unavailable and immature. Nothing changes until he changes and by you enabling him, he will continue to wallow in his patterns.

[evanescentworld]

.....

Given that I already agreed to meet him, what is the best way to handle this?

 

Hitching a ride on the back of Zahara's post, here above mine, my immediate advice would be to urge you to step out of the circle, break the pattern and contact him for ONE LAST TIME - saying:

 

"Our meeting now, or at any point in the future is a bad idea. We are stuck in a loop. I'm sorry, but I have to break out of this self-defeating and self-destructive pattern. Our meeting is off, and I think it best we do not cxontact or see each other again.

Please do not contact me by text, phone or email.

Goodbye."

 

Then change every contact detail you have, and begin a new life. It's about time.

[citrusgreen]

Hitching a ride on the back of Zahara's post, here above mine, my immediate advice would be to urge you to step out of the circle, break the pattern and contact him for ONE LAST TIME - saying:

 

"Our meeting now, or at any point in the future is a bad idea. We are stuck in a loop. I'm sorry, but I have to break out of this self-defeating and self-destructive pattern. Our meeting is off, and I think it best we do not cxontact or see each other again.

Please do not contact me by text, phone or email.

Goodbye."

 

Then change every contact detail you have, and begin a new life. It's about time.

 

 

I truly do appreciate where you're coming from. However, I can't even begin to imagine doing this. I'm grappling with it. I truly am. And I really don't want you to think I'm ungrateful -- or blindly dismissing your advice, because I'm not. And I hate the idea that I'm wasting peoples' time here, by getting good advice and not taking it. Which is part of the reason I'm being completely honest right now. I am ready to take steps of some form maybe ... but just not that one...not right now. It's not like me to say I can't do something...but I CANT send THAT text...not now.

Edited October 13, 2014 by citrusgreen
clarity

[evanescentworld]

Why not?

 

And if not now, when?

 

When you draw your senior pension?

 

because if you can't see an end to this, then YOU are responsible for what happens and you will have your life to look back on; a life full of wasted moments and regrets for what you wished could have been, while Life passed you by.

 

Tragic. Really, I'm not being dramatic. I think it's tragic that you hang a fragment of longed-for happiness on the coat-tails of someone like this, when really, all you need to do, is act, for your own sake, to create your own.

[rawrrxlaurr]

If I were you, I would send him a text going something like this:

 

"Hey, I know you miss me and I miss you too, but you are the one who broke up with me. I accept that it's over, and I'm trying move on with my life. You messaging me things like that is not helping either of us and us hanging out is definitely counter productive. Take care of yourself."

 

No games, no gimmicks. Straight forward. And the way he responds(or doesn't) to that will tell you exactly how he truly feels. If he feels in his heart that breaking up with you was the right thing to do for him, then he will not try to get you back. And will most likely continue sending you "i miss you" texts when he's drunk, with no intention of doing anything to fix the fact that he misses you. However, if he feels like he isn't ready to give up, then he will try to fix things between the two of you. It's pretty simple. I broke up with my ex recently and after spending time apart I realized that I wasn't ready to give up and I'm trying to fix things.

[Zahara]

I truly do appreciate where you're coming from. However, I can't even begin to imagine doing this. I'm grappling with it. I truly am. And I really don't want you to think I'm ungrateful -- or blindly dismissing your advice, because I'm not. And I hate the idea that I'm wasting peoples' time here, by getting good advice and not taking it. Which is part of the reason I'm being completely honest right now. I am ready to take steps of some form maybe ... but just not that one...not right now. It's not like me to say I can't do something...but I CANT send THAT text...not now.

 

I'm not sure what other steps there are except to cut contact and move on. There's a pattern and it doesn't end if you don't end it.

 

If you can't do that, then the only option is to keep engaging and possibly hit break-up #5 because nothing much has changed. You're just going back to the same dysfunction.

[BC1980]

I think we sometimes don't want to cut contact with someone because we know they will be okay letting us go. They won't chase us because they aren't that invested. If you told him never to contact you again, he would respect that. He wouldn't fight it. He wouldn't fight for you.

 

You can set yourself free if you start to accept that truth. It's very painful and difficult, but it would be the best thing for you.