Dinner with Ex 5 weeks after Breakup - What does this text mean?

[idoltree]

I think that there is nothing wrong with meeting him for dinner, as long as you are realistic and emotionally up for it.

 

Unlike others, I don't think this guy is deliberately messing you about. I think he has issues that prevent him from having a healthy intimate relationship.

 

Many people don't realize that these deep relationships cause other "stuff" to come up that has never been dealt with. I think that is the case with him. I'm going to guess that his childhood was not the best, and if you look hard enough, you'll find some dysfunctional messages from his parents as being behind his behavior.

 

• Instead of turning toward you when times are tough for him, he runs away.
  
• He believes you to be the source of stress, even though he has been proven wrong every single time in the past.
  
• Him having a foot out the door is going to sabotage any potential relationship. You cannot trust him, your lack of trust will cause issues, he'll run away.
  

So while I don't think he is messing you about, I don't think that you can fall back into a relationship with him. I think you should go to dinner and tell him how it is. Be warm and friendly, but assertive in drawing your boundaries.

 

"Ex, you tell me repeatedly that you love me and miss me. You have done this running away and breaking up with me before, only to later realize that I wasn't the problem in your life. So what is different this time? I see the exact same pattern as in the past. And if nothing is different, why should I entertain any more of this same pattern, knowing how it ends for me? Why should I accept your texts, why should I come out to dinner, why should I put up with your insistence on going nuclear on any relationship and all the hurt that puts me through?"

 

Your tone is friendly but no-nonsense. Don't get angry and don't get mean.

 

Basically, you need him to be self-aware enough to realize that his (poor excuse for) coping mechanisms are THE problem. And if he doesn't realize that, and does not commit to some counseling for himself to find out why he sabotages a relationship with a woman he seems to love deeply, then this is a no win for you.

 

What I would do is tell him that you love him and miss him too, but you don't want the texts and calls any longer. Tell him to get some help for himself before you will ever entertain having him back in your life. Tell him that you hope you hear from him, and you look forward to hearing about what he has discovered and how he plans to change. And then walk away.

 

(I'm going to confess that my advice comes from dealing with a man in very similar situation. He massively overreacts to any disagreements, looks to me as the problem in his extraordinarily stressful life, and leaves. Prior to this, it has just been an argument and silent treatment. We'd make up, and he'd apologize for how he treated me, and how his coping mechanism was to obliterate the relationship when he was actually very happy. Now, just prior to a deeper commitment, he's broken up with me, but also doesn't want to let me go. It's an extremely confusing place to be so I feel for you.)

Edited October 14, 2014 by idoltree