KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 So he contacted me today and I was so upset because it was like 12 and I'm sick and he could give a crap less he wants to facetime. We talked today and did stuff on FT. I am angry that I let it happen I just feel like idk I can't stop myself. In the end I go through phases of not feeling bad because who cares? I am not dating anyone, no one NO ONE wants me so why should I care about some bitch (sorry just letting it all vent) who is going to marry this attractive man with an awesome accent and have a beautiful family because in a year or 2 when they are married and happy I will likely still be miserable and single and hating life. So should I care that this guy cheats on his fiancee? I should be flattered that at least SOMEONE wants me, who is actually attractive. Then I feel guilty because I know this is wrong and I don't want to be that kind of woman. I wouldn't ever want this done to me (I wouldn't leave him but still) I just don't know I don't know how I am going to break myself away from this situation or if I want to yet. Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 A lot of OW find it hard to feel empathy for the wife/girlfriend because they are a non-entity to them. They don't see them as real people because they don't know them and also, because they see them as an obstacle to what they want - the man. I have met my exMM's wife and had a couple of shocking realizations that she loves him and is a human being with feeling, but as soon as I got sucked back in that empathy went out the window. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 He wants you in ways more than one. Why don't you honestly deal with your own emotions? Don't hate yourself for liking him. Is talking to him about your real feelings an option open? No he just ignores it and tries to get me to talk about sex. He only wants sex he doesn't care about me Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 So why do you allow that? Why don't you value yourself more than doing "stuff" on FaceTime with a cheater? Your self respect is more important than him getting off watching you on FaceTime. Please realize this! Please stop allowing him to use you for personal gratification. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 My advice to you hasn't changed, seek counseling and work on your resentment and jealously issues, insecurity issues and focus on today and those who are in your life. To be in a rush and get involved (with a MM) just so you won't be alone is wrong choice. It'll mess you up and hurt you. No he just ignores it and tries to get me to talk about sex. He only wants sex he doesn't care about me How does that make you feel? CUT HIM out of your life, delete and block him. If you don't respect yourself, how could you expect him or anybody else to respect you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 baggagereclaim.com sounds like a good fit for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 My advice to you hasn't changed, seek counseling and work on your resentment and jealously issues, insecurity issues and focus on today and those who are in your life. To be in a rush and get involved (with a MM) just so you won't be alone is wrong choice. It'll mess you up and hurt you. How does that make you feel? CUT HIM out of your life, delete and block him. If you don't respect yourself, how could you expect him or anybody else to respect you? It bothers me but the whole respect yourself thing, I thought I had respect for myself. I know he will never leave her but it just feels good to have this piece of him. He keeps coming back and I know its because he knows I am desperate for a relationship and if he says whatever I will just do what he wants but I still get part of him you know? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 So he contacted me today and I was so upset because it was like 12 and I'm sick and he could give a crap less he wants to facetime. We talked today and did stuff on FT. I am angry that I let it happen I just feel like idk I can't stop myself. In the end I go through phases of not feeling bad because who cares? I am not dating anyone, no one NO ONE wants me so why should I care about some bitch (sorry just letting it all vent) who is going to marry this attractive man with an awesome accent and have a beautiful family because in a year or 2 when they are married and happy I will likely still be miserable and single and hating life. So should I care that this guy cheats on his fiancee? I should be flattered that at least SOMEONE wants me, who is actually attractive. Then I feel guilty because I know this is wrong and I don't want to be that kind of woman. I wouldn't ever want this done to me (I wouldn't leave him but still) I just don't know I don't know how I am going to break myself away from this situation or if I want to yet. I think you should really address these feelings you have about yourself that no one wants you so you should feel honored that this guy wants you because he is "attractive" and has an accent , even though he is not really that great of a person given the fact he's cheating on his fiance. When we do not feel good about ourselves it presents in lots of destructive ways and at the end of the day, the external stuff we do to feel worthy never really helps. Flattery and genuine compliments aren't the same thing but I think it's appropriate you feel flattered here, as flattery is an insincere form of praise which furthers the other person's ends vs your own, which makes perfect sense here. Whether or not you feel bad for his fiance or for what he's doing is not the point IMO, but more so what are you gonna do about how you feel about yourself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KeepCalmCarryOn Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 I think you should really address these feelings you have about yourself that no one wants you so you should feel honored that this guy wants you because he is "attractive" and has an accent , even though he is not really that great of a person given the fact he's cheating on his fiance. When we do not feel good about ourselves it presents in lots of destructive ways and at the end of the day, the external stuff we do to feel worthy never really helps. Flattery and genuine compliments aren't the same thing but I think it's appropriate you feel flattered here, as flattery is an insincere form of praise which furthers the other person's ends vs your own, which makes perfect sense here. Whether or not you feel bad for his fiance or for what he's doing is not the point IMO, but more so what are you gonna do about how you feel about yourself? I don't really know what to do. I am in therapy. I have been for over a year and I just never feel good I don't know how to get to a point where I feel good about myself where would that even start? I jut read your response in my other post. I mean is it ever going to happen for me? I just am so tired of waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 It bothers me but the whole respect yourself thing, I thought I had respect for myself. I know he will never leave her but it just feels good to have this piece of him. He keeps coming back and I know its because he knows I am desperate for a relationship and if he says whatever I will just do what he wants but I still get part of him you know? It should bother you! You know this guy is using you. You're giving yourself this false hope to make yourself better. He keeps coming back because he knows how to manipulate you, he knows you're desperate (as you've said) so ask yourself this ... How does it make you feel that you get part of him. The disrespectful part of him? The part of him that doesn't care, the part that feeds his ego. It's a false sense of security and not real or genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 I don't really know what to do. I am in therapy. I have been for over a year and I just never feel good I don't know how to get to a point where I feel good about myself where would that even start? I jut read your response in my other post. I mean is it ever going to happen for me? I just am so tired of waiting. Find a different therapist because this one isn't working for you. Remember, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it so really, only you know how much you've pushed yourself to face your problems and change your ways, thinking patterns and reactions to those who are in R or getting M, having kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I don't really know what to do. I am in therapy. I have been for over a year and I just never feel good I don't know how to get to a point where I feel good about myself where would that even start? I jut read your response in my other post. I mean is it ever going to happen for me? I just am so tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for what? You didn't get what I said then if you're still focused on waiting to be in a relationship to complete your life. I think you have to start with working on yourself FIRST. After that I think a relationship will come easier and also be more sustainable, as well as you won't be as obsessed with it. I think you're so obsessed with being in a relationship now because you're not happy with yourself so a relationship is a great distraction and is what "proves" you're a worthy person...but even if you had a relationship because you feel like this it would come to weigh on the relationship negatively...so the point isn't to hope for a man but to fix yourself first and come to value yourself first then add a partner as icing on top of it. Not live your life disliking yourself and waiting to have some man love you or you love him as a distraction. What does your therapist tell you? It's not an easy process, but it's a process and one I think you can't go around really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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