herself Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Feeling so weak right now. I am truly crushed. And this is when the withdrawal truly begins. What are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 And this is when the withdrawal truly begins. What are you going to do? Idfk this sucks so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Idfk this sucks so bad. You say its hard because no one is angry, well you should be pissed. Think of all the time you wasted 5 years-60 months-1825 days-43,800 hours. She held you hostage with a promise that she never intended to keep and your not pissed? All the times you were alone thinking about her, not dating, missing out on tons of great honest women that you could start a life with. All the while she is with him, laughing, loving, planning and living. Your not pissed? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 They say when you dont know what to do...do nothing. Give your self a few days to process everything. Do not call or email her just take some time here to gather your thoughts. Im so sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 I have a different view of this relationship than it beng her loving you. It doesn't sound like love, it sounds more like dependance, which is not the same thing. It sounds like she is very capable of hiding an awful lot of things from the people she claims to "love". Think of it this way, if she never loved her husband, if things were always bad between them, if he was never the one she wanted to be with, if she really loved you through pretty much their whole marriage, then why is he so shocked and upset right now? Why is he taking it so hard? Why did she go through all the motions with him of buying a house, setitng up their lives togetehr, etc.? How was she able to string him along all thes eyears and have him convinced that she loved him? Either she is one h@ll of a liar and realy able to hide her true feleings for years at a time, or she is just usuing the two of you to meet her needs, whatever they may be, convincing both of you that she loves you. Whichever option you pick, t doesn't say much for her as a perosn. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Think of it this way, if she never loved her husband, if things were always bad between them, if he was never the one she wanted to be with, if she really loved you through pretty much their whole marriage, then why is he so shocked and upset right now? Why is he taking it so hard? Why did she go through all the motions with him of buying a house, setitng up their lives togetehr, etc.? How was she able to string him along all thes eyears and have him convinced that she loved him? Either she is one h@ll of a liar and realy able to hide her true feleings for years at a time, or she is just usuing the two of you to meet her needs, whatever they may be, convincing both of you that she loves you. Whichever option you pick, t doesn't say much for her as a perosn. FWIW, my husband knew I was unhappy pretty much from the beginning. But I and he both "went through the motions" of married life, buying a house, trying to set up a life, even trying for kids that he didn't really want but I did. It wasn't because everything was working, it's because he knew it wasn't. Everything we built together was always with the pretext of "If we do this, then this will work" or "if we do that, that will make her happy" or "doing this will make us happy." The point where we both accepted that none of it did work was pretty devastating for both of us still. The moment you admit something isn't working after working really, really hard to make it work is not an easy thing to get through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 Let me be clearer here, for the first 4 years I treated it like I was just having fun with someone who's company I enjoyed, it wasn't until 4 mths ago that I took down the walls that contained my heart and gave that to her, it's just sad cuz I haven't ever done that for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 They say when you dont know what to do...do nothing. Give your self a few days to process everything. Do not call or email her just take some time here to gather your thoughts. Im so sorry. Thank you, this is what I'll do. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 I have a different view of this relationship than it beng her loving you. It doesn't sound like love, it sounds more like dependance, which is not the same thing. It sounds like she is very capable of hiding an awful lot of things from the people she claims to "love". Think of it this way, if she never loved her husband, if things were always bad between them, if he was never the one she wanted to be with, if she really loved you through pretty much their whole marriage, then why is he so shocked and upset right now? Why is he taking it so hard? Why did she go through all the motions with him of buying a house, setitng up their lives togetehr, etc.? How was she able to string him along all thes eyears and have him convinced that she loved him? Either she is one h@ll of a liar and realy able to hide her true feleings for years at a time, or she is just usuing the two of you to meet her needs, whatever they may be, convincing both of you that she loves you. Whichever option you pick, t doesn't say much for her as a perosn. I agree 100% that she was most likely using both men, however that doesn't mean she doesn't love them. You can, and I think most of us have selfishly loved someone. My wife had an affair but I have no doubt that she did and does love me. After we divorced I selfishly used her for sex knowing that she wanted me back yet me knowing that (at the time) I didn't want her back. I loved her, but I used her to meet my needs. We're not perfect, sometimes we look at love as me first. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Let me be clearer here, for the first 4 years I treated it like I was just having fun with someone who's company I enjoyed, it wasn't until 4 mths ago that I took down the walls that contained my heart and gave that to her, it's just sad cuz I haven't ever done that for anyone. I don't believe that for a second. I think what more likely happened in the last four months is you started looking into the future. Maybe a sibling or friend hit a milestone IE marriage, having a baby or such. This forces the mind to place yourself in that position. Then of course thoughts of the woman in your life. I think what happened 4 months ago is you realized this had to end. Then at that point you simply couldn't hide behind "its only fun" because the pain and fear was real. Would she leave, can it work with us, what happens if she is no longer in my life. You loved her the whole time, or you would have dated other women. Be honest with yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 Well I def have loved her for almost the entire time, but always knew in my mind that she would never leave. Then I became convinced that she was going to leave him, and now this. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Here's something I don't think you're taking into account. I can almost garauntee you that she WILL reach out to you. And when she does...you're going to want to respond. That's why folks are urging you to take measures to PREVENT seeing it when she breaks down and reaches out to you. It's almost inevitable, and you're going to be far more tempted to respond than you realize right now. Block her, change your number, change your email...whatever you need to do. It's worth it in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Well I def have loved her for almost the entire time, but always knew in my mind that she would never leave. Then I became convinced that she was going to leave him, and now this. She is the only one with ANY power here. You and her husband are both sitting ducks...one of you will be left and hurt. Id not say ONE word. This is a time for silence where she must make up her mind on her own with zero influence. I believe I would set up a therapy appointment to help you sort through your thoughts with a neutral party. Your in a state of greif and high emotion. You've got to stand back and peice this together without her. Right now you might not realize the end is a good thing for your life. However it works out..do not have contact, just block her and be still and ride out this storm until your emotions are clear. Take a trip, go to gym, lock yourself in the studio and make music. Reconnect with you right now and let the universe sort this out. Your gonna hurt. Just go through it and seek support in therapy or friends maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 I do have quite a support system right now, not only my friends that don't know them, but you guys too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 So today i have realized, A) YES it hurts to walk away from an A, it hurts a LOT. B) it hurts less than being #2, wondering what will ever happen, and with no end to the torture. At least walking away has an end to the pain. Just a thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 So today i have realized, A) YES it hurts to walk away from an A, it hurts a LOT. B) it hurts less than being #2, wondering what will ever happen, and with no end to the torture. At least walking away has an end to the pain. Just a thought. That is a very healthy and valid point. The pain inside the A can be way worse. She had 2 of u full time...you had 1/2 of her with no movement from her to be with u full time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 That is a very healthy and valid point. The pain inside the A can be way worse. She had 2 of u full time...you had 1/2 of her with no movement from her to be with u full time. exactly, there is an end to the anguish of walking away, there is no end if you stay for crumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 It may well be that time and distance will change your view of her, from love to indifference, or barring that, some good memories outweighed by a lot of bad ones. BTW...seeing as you know both him and her quite well, how did they interact when they were with each othr, and did he speak of her whenshe wsn't around? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) It may well be that time and distance will change your view of her, from love to indifference, or barring that, some good memories outweighed by a lot of bad ones. BTW...seeing as you know both him and her quite well, how did they interact when they were with each othr, and did he speak of her whenshe wsn't around? yeah it got to the point where the bad times were outweighing the good ones. i have not been around the both of them (at same time) since tour which ended mid july, when she seemed like she wanted to be with me, and was being cold and short with him. I saw him yesterday (after two mths) cuz i had a piece of musical equipment at their house from tour and played a show last night with new drummer (new drummer kicks azz BTW), i remained like whatever, he never mentioned her, which was a day after NC. If anything, i feel bad for her for not having the spine to make choices for herself. without care for what other people think. kinda sad, for her. Edited October 10, 2014 by GoldenAxe Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 NC day 3, little better today, got a little choked up, but all in all im alright despite the weather here. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 NC day 3, little better today, got a little choked up, but all in all im alright despite the weather here. Hang in there. Maybe not worth much, but we're behind you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenAxe Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 Hang in there. Maybe not worth much, but we're behind you. thanks man, i appreciate that. im starting to realize how much of a manipulative person she is. I pray that she finds what shes lookin for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I have a different view of this relationship than it beng her loving you. It doesn't sound like love, it sounds more like dependance, which is not the same thing. It sounds like she is very capable of hiding an awful lot of things from the people she claims to "love". Think of it this way, if she never loved her husband, if things were always bad between them, if he was never the one she wanted to be with, if she really loved you through pretty much their whole marriage, then why is he so shocked and upset right now? Why is he taking it so hard? Why did she go through all the motions with him of buying a house, setitng up their lives togetehr, etc.? How was she able to string him along all thes eyears and have him convinced that she loved him? Either she is one h@ll of a liar and realy able to hide her true feleings for years at a time, or she is just usuing the two of you to meet her needs, whatever they may be, convincing both of you that she loves you. Whichever option you pick, t doesn't say much for her as a perosn. Very good post truncated. Like I said before not all affairs are the same but do we know the cause why our ex/APs are having affairs in the first place. Is it because they are having problems with their other half or do they have problems. Sometimes I do wonder if my exAP does have some sort of problem because I do know she lie to me or isn't honest with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Let me be clearer here, for the first 4 years I treated it like I was just having fun with someone who's company I enjoyed, it wasn't until 4 mths ago that I took down the walls that contained my heart and gave that to her, it's just sad cuz I haven't ever done that for anyone. Goldenaxe your situation has a lot in common with mine and I know exactly how you feel. However I much state that it's important to get some self control to yourself and TRY NOT to do something silly that could cause yourself harm in the future. The trouble is like me you can't show your full love toward her and you're emotionally out of control. I also need to stress that the reason why I still have encounter with my exAP because we both work in the same building and she on purpose walk past me or make sure I see her. If you are planning on going down the NC route then be prepared for surprises. What is going to stop her turning up to your band performance or practice........ Nothing! Unless she split with her husband, and if she don't then she will make sure she will get seen by you. In my situation I ended my EA which was nearing EA+PA. Shortly later she had an operation with her hand and had to take time off work. In that time frame she split with her boyfriend for reasons yet unknown but it likely because of the affair. Now they got back together after her boyfriend threatened to rehome the dog to punish her for leaving him. She's an animal lover by the way. So they got back together again. When she returned to work, she went straight to me and throw me back into an EA and I allowed her to do it because I was broken. Now to some the reason why I haven't mention this before because i was putting some spin on my story so she couldn't idenitfy me if she read these boards. Now I do read her twitter posts(not anymore) and not a single one mention the affair or me except one. There are two more which I don't know meant to be cryptic towards me or so. Overall she keeping our affair a secret from her mother and no doubt to a lot of friends. The problem is she can't get the support she needs and I think the same is going to happen to your exAP Goldenaxe. Therefor she will be contacting you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 thanks man, i appreciate that. im starting to realize how much of a manipulative person she is. I pray that she finds what shes lookin for. No one can manipulate me unless I participate. Stop participating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts