I am the OM [UPDATED]

[Bittersweetie]

I know it sounds trite but take it one day at a time. Say to yourself, I'll think about this stuff tomorrow. I'll deal with it tomorrow. I'll figure it out tomorrow. Then tomorrow, just say the same thing. That's how I got through a lot of stuff. Then, months later when I was much more detached, was when I actually started working through things. It took me getting completely detached to see a lot of what I dealt with and how I reacted and what I needed to change to become healthier. GL!

[Dylon]

Guys your dude needs some reinforcement, having bad couple days, my brain will not stop going over the situation. Def not reaching out, just wanted to share the idea of dreadful feelings can come back.

 

You got my support my friend! You've gone such a long way now and it's not going to get worst. How can it right? I hope losing 30lbs was in a good way. I'm a fellow male but at the other end, and having pitiful days too. xOW sent me happy birthday day wishes 2 weeks back after 3 months of no contact. I learned a lot from OW and OM here and I didn't give any hope. I gave her a kind reply of thanks and used her exact words in regard of wishing her the best, happiness, ect. I know she wanted to open a dialogue again after many attempts. As messed up as I'm with the whole situation, we need to stay firm on both sides.

 

We will get through this mess! My chest hurts again for the first time since the A ended and feeling really down for everything. You are a better and stronger person having gone through this. It's what I tell myself during this trying time...... There is much we can learn from what happened, right? That knowledge will give us a better future.

[GoldenAxe]

Thanks guys, it helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this, as much as it seems that way. Been feeling this here and there lately, but for past like 5 days it's just like a big ass gorilla on my back. Still on track with weight loss, at 42 lbs, done the right way, exercise, walking on treadmill real fast, and a gallon of water a day. Just sucks, I haven't had any prospects either for possible new girl. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up mentally for past week or so. It's been almost 6 mths no contact, and at this point I have too much pride to even contact. I'll just deal with it until it's gone I suppose.

[GoldenAxe]

Welp, the feeling of dread has not subsided. I was doing so well right before I started feeling this way. I miss her a lot. I try to remind myself of the mental torment and uncertainty while in the A to try to pull myself back but it only helps for that moment. Idk what else to do at this point. Blah.

[privategal]

We seem to be on the same schedule of highs and lows. The last lows were too low for me and I finally decided I cant do it anymore on my own with just trying to distract myself and push forward. I called the doctor, I was struggling SO baf and she prescribed antidepressants.

I couldnt believe letting go of a toxic relationship brought me that far down when it should have been a relief but the sadness was that intense.

I am7 days on the meds 5 feeling MUCH better...the last 2 days...struggling tremendously but the meds hhelped it some still..but d@mn I wanna feel numb...just get OVER it..I dont want to moss or mull over or analyze ANYTHING more to do with the A.

Im over it. If its in the past and were strict NC....why do we continue to struggle SO much?!

Anyways...just empathizing with you...so proud of you for how far you've come.

[GoldenAxe]

I really have no clue PG, none of it makes sense. I thought it was all uphill from start of NC with a few minor setbacks. I was doing really good. Now literally ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HER. F**kkkkkkkk.

[privategal]

I really have no clue PG, none of it makes sense. I thought it was all uphill from start of NC with a few minor setbacks. I was doing really good. Now literally ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HER. F**kkkkkkkk.

 

I know I know...I dont even want/ try/ choose/ hope to think of it all.

So pissed as I feel like why is it still all consuming when all you want is OUT.

You havent tried dating yet?

Maybe some fun friendly light dates...nothing serious?

IDK...time my friend.

[Rainbowlove]

Kids, I'm 2.5 years removed from my affair.

 

This may just be one of those life defining moments that we never fully heal from.

 

There has not been 1 day in those 2.5 years that I haven't thought about her. Sad to admit.

 

She's constantly on my mind, too.

 

The sadness isn't heavy. It's not all consuming. I'm just not free from her memory - it hasn't faded at all.

 

It gets better. It also lingers longer than we want it to.

 

Peace to you both.

 

RL

[privategal]

Kids, I'm 2.5 years removed from my affair.

 

This may just be one of those life defining moments that we never fully heal from.

 

There has not been 1 day in those 2.5 years that I haven't thought about her. Sad to admit.

 

She's constantly on my mind, too.

 

The sadness isn't heavy. It's not all consuming. I'm just not free from her memory - it hasn't faded at all.

 

It gets better. It also lingers longer than we want it to.

 

Peace to you both.

 

RL

Gosh thats not very comforting but still good to know. The very day we ended it I knew sadly the greif would be a life sentence. I agree the pain/memory isnt as sharp. Its just always there though. Frustrating to try and control and release something so relentless.

You are one of the most balanced, healthiest persons I've seen...so to know you still are affected makes me feel somewhat more normal.

[ChancesAre24]

Kids, I'm 2.5 years removed from my affair.

 

This may just be one of those life defining moments that we never fully heal from.

 

There has not been 1 day in those 2.5 years that I haven't thought about her. Sad to admit.

 

She's constantly on my mind, too.

 

The sadness isn't heavy. It's not all consuming. I'm just not free from her memory - it hasn't faded at all.

 

It gets better. It also lingers longer than we want it to.

 

Peace to you both.

 

RL

 

Whenever I start thinking this way I remind myself that its not that person I miss. That person with that kind of behavior that I have endured like all of you is not someone I would love. I just miss the person I thought he was, the person I hoped he would be but he's not. One of our last conversations he admitted he is not as strong as I am and I finally decided that day to take him at face value and accept that and block him out of my life.

[GoldenAxe]

Kids, I'm 2.5 years removed from my affair.

 

This may just be one of those life defining moments that we never fully heal from.

 

There has not been 1 day in those 2.5 years that I haven't thought about her. Sad to admit.

 

She's constantly on my mind, too.

 

The sadness isn't heavy. It's not all consuming. I'm just not free from her memory - it hasn't faded at all.

 

It gets better. It also lingers longer than we want it to.

 

Peace to you both.

 

RL

 

God yes. I can't go one single 20 minute block without thinking of her. I want to not care anymore. This is deteriorating my mental state for sure. Today is worse than yesterday. I've been on one date, and it was subpar. I'm really at wits end.

[Rainbowlove]

Whenever I start thinking this way I remind myself that its not that person I miss. That person with that kind of behavior that I have endured like all of you is not someone I would love. I just miss the person I thought he was, the person I hoped he would be but he's not. One of our last conversations he admitted he is not as strong as I am and I finally decided that day to take him at face value and accept that and block him out of my life.

 

That's great for you. I'm happy you have come to that place.

 

For some of us, though, myself included - there is a constant missing of the other person.

 

Every situation is different. Your approach doesn't make sense in my situation.

 

Thank you though for your comments.

[privategal]

God yes. I can't go one single 20 minute block without thinking of her. I want to not care anymore. This is deteriorating my mental state for sure. Today is worse than yesterday. I've been on one date, and it was subpar. I'm really at wits end.

 

 

It seems to ease up at times and you feel stronger for awhile. I guess just get through this rough patch. Just keep fighting through.

One thing I am sure on is I am not breaking NC.

I used to miss him so much Id cry. My tears have dried.

Its just that ache of the knowledge I will never see or talk to him again, its very surreal.

I am just getting through...its a long process and Im just going to believe there will maybe come a day of indifference. Perhaps the thoughts wont ever stop but maybe they will feel neutral if I just keep going and mentally keep distancing.

[Rainbowlove]

God yes. I can't go one single 20 minute block without thinking of her. I want to not care anymore. This is deteriorating my mental state for sure. Today is worse than yesterday. I've been on one date, and it was subpar. I'm really at wits end.

 

I don't know your situation, I'm sorry.

 

Most important thing is to take care of yourself. Do things that keep you ground and centered. Also, ask for help if you need it. There's no shame in needing support.

 

I don't know what it takes to forget someone you loved and lost. Maybe that doesn't happen. Maybe that's a hope we have to stop the hurt.

 

I think the real lesson to be learned to understanding the depth of love we are capable of having for someone else and if our life relationships are not matching that, maybe we need to look within to see what's missing and make sure we are giving our all to someone and vice versa.

 

Best of luck to you moving forward.

 

RL

[privategal]

Rainbow gives great realistic practical advice.

Rainbow, Im sorry its been hard.

You seemed really close at one point to seeming extremely healed and indifferent. Do you think the feelings just all came rushing back stronger or what do you feel has got her on your mind so much?!

[Rainbowlove]

Rainbow gives great realistic practical advice.

Rainbow, Im sorry its been hard.

You seemed really close at one point to seeming extremely healed and indifferent. Do you think the feelings just all came rushing back stronger or what do you feel has got her on your mind so much?!

 

Truthfully, I think healing is layered when you have an affair. And there's so much pain in it, all you're feeling is the hurt and you're basically searching for ways to overcome that intense pain.

 

The pain for me initially wasn't focused on healing for the missing OW, but rather for hurting my wife and son.

 

As I've healed from the devastation I caused my wife, I began to then feel the loss of the OW. She was an important person in my life - friend first.

 

In my case, I was honest with my wife about meeting someone else and loving someone else long before it became physical. I moved out of my house to try to see what I needed to do. I did not deceive my wife, though I did betray her and break her heart.

 

I was a mess. My life was a mess. Everything was extremely chaotic during the affair. I just couldn't see anything clearly.

 

My heart hurts for the loss of my OW. I accept that.

 

My heart would also hurt if I lost my wife and son.

 

There was no easy answer. I'm grateful to have my wife. I adore her. She's wonderful.

 

It just doesn't take away the love I lost. It doesn't take away the amazing woman I lost.

 

We are human and capable of loving two people. Life isn't always neat and pretty.

 

I miss her. Always will.

 

But I'll live and love and keep moving on without her and hope that she's found peace and happiness and love in her life.

[privategal]

Truthfully, I think healing is layered when you have an affair. And there's so much pain in it, all you're feeling is the hurt and you're basically searching for ways to overcome that intense pain.

 

The pain for me initially wasn't focused on healing for the missing OW, but rather for hurting my wife and son.

 

As I've healed from the devastation I caused my wife, I began to then feel the loss of the OW. She was an important person in my life - friend first.

 

In my case, I was honest with my wife about meeting someone else and loving someone else long before it became physical. I moved out of my house to try to see what I needed to do. I did not deceive my wife, though I did betray her and break her heart.

 

I was a mess. My life was a mess. Everything was extremely chaotic during the affair. I just couldn't see anything clearly.

 

My heart hurts for the loss of my OW. I accept that.

 

My heart would also hurt if I lost my wife and son.

 

There was no easy answer. I'm grateful to have my wife. I adore her. She's wonderful.

 

It just doesn't take away the love I lost. It doesn't take away the amazing woman I lost.

 

We are human and capable of loving two people. Life isn't always neat and pretty.

 

I miss her. Always will.

 

But I'll live and love and keep moving on without her and hope that she's found peace and happiness and love in her life.

 

 

We are exactly the same.

I wish for the impossible to have been able to stay apart of eachothers lives somehow personally but it was too painful.

I am used to the pain as much as an amputee is used to living life without a limb. Thats how it feels.

There will always be that void.

I hate it.

[Rainbowlove]

I am used to the pain as much as an amputee is used to living life without a limb. Thats how it feels.

There will always be that void.

 

It's funny. I always described it like losing a limb. A part of you.

 

She was a part of me. I know I was a part of her. I probably still am to some degree. I don't think we just stop loving someone when they leave.

 

I expect, like you, to feel this way until I die.

 

I'm not being overly dramatic either. Just honest. Also, like you...I knew it when I said goodbye to her...

 

It sucks, PG. No doubt about it. We have to learn to live with the consequences of our actions. In our case, missing someone we are not married to.

 

Not every day is hard. Some days, though, are just plain unbearable.

 

Take comfort in knowing you are normal for missing someone you loved and lost. That is as human as it gets.

 

Love to you,

 

RL

[privategal]

It's funny. I always described it like losing a limb. A part of you.

 

She was a part of me. I know I was a part of her. I probably still am to some degree. I don't think we just stop loving someone when they leave.

 

I expect, like you, to feel this way until I die.

 

I'm not being overly dramatic either. Just honest. Also, like you...I knew it when I said goodbye to her...

 

It sucks, PG. No doubt about it. We have to learn to live with the consequences of our actions. In our case, missing someone we are not married to.

 

Not every day is hard. Some days, though, are just plain unbearable.

 

Take comfort in knowing you are normal for missing someone you loved and lost. That is as human as it gets.

 

Love to you,

 

RL

 

 

I echo every single sentiment.

Part of the hell to is never being able to know if they are ok or hurting or healing. I think Id like to know Im missed.

Its strange I dont want to go back to the affair but I dont want to become forgotten or the enemy.

But I wont connect.

It has ended and after 15 years Id say he was a HUGE part of my life and I might as well just accept I will pay the price forever of my mistake...also not being deamatic. Im always a coffee meeting away if you ever need that you know were close enough geographically if you need to talk ever just pm me.

Be well, love and peace to you.

[GoldenAxe]

Man we are all on the same frighin boat. Blah. Good viewpoints/analogies guys and gals

[Patrice]

Keep working on you, and rebuild YOU. Make sure to take into consideration, the things in your life that let YOU be treated this way. That's your next door to open. We are all generally, kind people that let someone in - that wasn't deserving of being in. You fly, let her figure herself out ... by the time you are done with your own introspection and the realization that you deserve better, the door will close with her mentally. This is your time, to understand the power you have and that in turn, will lead to a healthy relationship with someone who is available to you.

[GoldenAxe]

Well said, will refer back to this. The fog has somewhat lifted for now. Coming to terms with things, albeit at a snails pace. Just hope for less bumps in the road going forward.

[GoldenAxe]

Much better today folks. Am lonely but have asked a few girls out. I feel like I'm finally ready to give this a go. Hope everyone is on a mental upswing as well.

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's funny. I always described it like losing a limb. A part of you.

 

She was a part of me. I know I was a part of her. I probably still am to some degree. I don't think we just stop loving someone when they leave.

 

I expect, like you, to feel this way until I die.

 

I'm not being overly dramatic either. Just honest. Also, like you...I knew it when I said goodbye to her...

 

It sucks, PG. No doubt about it. We have to learn to live with the consequences of our actions. In our case, missing someone we are not married to.

 

Not every day is hard. Some days, though, are just plain unbearable.

 

Take comfort in knowing you are normal for missing someone you loved and lost. That is as human as it gets.

 

Love to you,

 

RL

 

Yeah, this is exactly how it feels. It's sad, isn't it? It sucks big time.

 

I was feeling kinda okay in the past two days, but just a few hours ago tears came out of nowhere and couldn't stop them. This post of yours really helped. Thank you!

[Cloudcuckoo]

Much better today folks. Am lonely but have asked a few girls out. I feel like I'm finally ready to give this a go. Hope everyone is on a mental upswing as well.

 

 

Chin up love. It'll get better.

 

Cuckoo