Affair getting in the way of seperation

[Aargh]

I'm in the process of leaving my wife. I am Committed and have told her I want to but I have agreed to couples councelling although I don't hold out much hope. The thought of my freedom is too alluring.

 

The problem I have is that after having decided to leave her my ex affair partner appeared back in my life and now I can't think straight. I can't focus on the decision in hand. Although she admits to have been besotted with me for 3 years, My ex AP has moved on. She said she would wait for me but at the time I said I must give my marriage another final go. She is now seeing someone who is obviously supporting her thru her v unpleasant divorce. He is a very unlikely match but Is there for her at her time of need. The jealousy is eating me up and putting a pressure on me that I wasn't expecting and can't seem to cope with. She obviously isn't making long term plans with the man and she obviously feels guilt towards me for putting me through this but she also very obviously needs him in her life at the moment to help her deal with the day to day horror of her divorce.

 

I am trying hard to stay focused on the pertinent issue of leaving my wife but so much energy is now being spent on worrying about the ex AP and how I should play that, that I struggle to find the energy to cope with leaving.

 

I know I should just stop any contact with the ex AP and leave that in the hands of fate whilst focusing on ending the marriage but what if, in the meantime the ex moves on further and is lost forever. That would be unendurable. We once shared such tenderness and passion I can't risk not having a chance at happiness with her.

 

Of course she may be thinking differently and be happy with this other guy. Maybe I no longer even factor in her thoughts. The indecision and confusion is crippling me.

 

Advice please...????

Edited October 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs.

[Decisiontomake]

Say exactly what you've just said here to the ex AP. It's that simple. Then both of you will know where you stand and what is going on. However, be sure that you're feelings are coming from a place of wanting to be with her NOT just because you've seen her with someone else and are also dealing with the loss (even if you "want" it) of your marriage.

[Minnie09]

OP, I don't get it: Are you giving the M another go, or not? You mentioned MC. Are you now reluctant, because you're jealous now that OW found a new partner? At the same time, you say you're focused on the sparation/divorce. Which is it? MC or D?

Do whatever you have to do, regardless what OW does.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude.

 

I read your previous threads.

 

You are a mess.

 

I bet if you tell your wife about the affair it will hakt any false hope or mixed messages you are shoving her way with agreeing to go to marital counseling.

 

You sound so much like my husband with his "hand in the cookie jar" attitude. Whining about your freedom etc. While putting NOTHING into your marriage, treating it like a trap and then blaming you clearly unloved and frustrated wife (calling her "controlling") for trying to fix it and find out whats going on with you.

 

At the same time crapping on her efforts and worrying about fantasyland with your AP.

 

You aren't telling your wife about the AP because you want to "spare her feelings." You've done nothing but lie and manipulate her.and look a little better or "helpless" than you actually are.

 

Tell your wife the truth.

Admit you have been spineless and manipulative.

Make the divorce damn accommodating for her.

Actually give a damn about someone. Including yourself. Because clearly you don't take care of yourself and acknowledge your feelings ir you wouldn't havehad an affair to begin with.

 

Stop blaming other people for failing to take action in your own life.

And start considering the long-term effects of your actions on others.

 

Realize you have toxic shame issues that need to be dealt with before you make any relationship moves with ANYONE.

Get some personal counseling.

Your AP isn't the answer any more than your wife was.

No woman is going to be the answer.

You have to find your own answer. And realize that no partner will meet all of your needs.

[Aargh]

Thanks Decisonntomake -I have told the ex AP my feelings. She said she can't talk about it now and was angry I didn't say I would be leaving it wife when ahe said she would wait for me. She said that she doesn't have any long term plans with the guy but she is really going thru hell and I do understand that he can give her support that I cannot currently.

I am tempted to write her a letter proclaiming my affections - that she isn't thinking long term with him but did with me.

If only I could hold my nerve and be patient - after meeting her new guy he seems so unlikely a match that I felt relieved but right now I can't find much solace in that. I want her all to myself and I want her now.

[Popsicle]

Low Contact. It's your friend.

[No Limit]

Since you are at the brink of divorce anyway, do your wife a favor, tell her about your affair(s) and let her go. She's wasted enough time already, let her find happiness too while you find... something with your AP.

[beach]

 

I'm in the process of leaving my wife. I am Committed and have told her I want to but I have agreed to couples councelling although I don't hold out much hope. The thought of my freedom is too alluring.

 

There is no "process".

 

Either you have filed for divorce or you haven't.

 

Since you agreed to couples counseling = that looks like you are in the process of tying to reconcile the marriage.

[BetrayedH]

Funny. This reminds me of an expression...

 

The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Many waywards stop investing in their marriage and put all their efforts into an affair partner, blaming the affair on their dying marriage. Meanwhile, their marriage would recover if they'd just invest half of the time they invest on their affair on their marriage instead.

 

Ironically, you're not watering either side and not surprisingly, both yards are dying.

[dreamingoftigers]

"I am leaving my wife; therefore we shall go to marital counseling, whilst I eye my freedom and try to commit to my former affair partner."

 

Wait, what?

 

Oh! I get it! The "no logic" plan.

 

That way you keep all of your options open.

And then you can go in opposing directions at once.

Staying in exactly the same cycle.

 

Brilliant.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I should just stop any contact with the ex AP and leave that in the hands of fate whilst focusing on ending the marriage but what if, in the meantime the ex moves on further and is lost forever. That would be unendurable. We once shared such tenderness and passion I can't risk not having a chance at happiness with her?

I've read this sentence several times, looking for the faintest glimmer that you understand the fact that the other party has a stake in this also. And what I hear is "me, me, me". I'd guess your partners sense this also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Aargh]

Thankyou everyone for your inputs. Having decided to leave my wife My plan was always to be patient and let the dust settle before approaching the exAP.

I believe in what we had and it would be a cruel shame if we couldn't give it a go in the real world and see if it could work.

However I am finding it hard to keep my nerve and give her the space to get this - hopefully rebound - relationship and divorce out of the way.

If I chase after her now and proclaim my love too loudly I could ruin any chances. She has a lot on her plate currently and has already explained she doesn't have the emotional capacity at the moment to deal with me coming back on the scene.

I think space and low contact is the way to go. I'm not leaving my wife for her. That I am sure of. So I need to deal with my on situation first and try to forget about the exAP in the meantime. This would give us both the space to deal with our own dramas so that we can be in better places individually if we do end up together.

Problem is it's not easy holding your nerve when your nerves are torn by a marriage beeakdown and my exAP is getting support from another man.

[Trimmer]

Thankyou everyone for your inputs. Having decided to leave my wife...

 

I am Committed and have told her I want to but I have agreed to couples councelling although I don't hold out much hope.

You have decided and are committed to leaving her, but you agreed to couples counseling? What are your goals for couples counseling?

 

If you are committed to your decision to leave, but you are faking your participation in counseling, you aren't doing anyone any favors. (... and arguably borderline defrauding your wife, if she is paying for any part of the counseling in which you are participating under false pretenses.)

 

So please speak clearly: what is the situation with your marriage? Are you going to actually end it, or are you holding off ending it while you fake trying to reconcile, or are you truly trying to reconcile?

[Aargh]

Thanks Trimmer. The point of the counselling for me is to minimise the fallout after we Seperate. I've been honest all along with the councillor and wife with my intentions to leave. My wife still hopes we can reconcile and save the marriage but I have not given her reason to believe this. I guess we are there for different reasons which is not a good thing. However we are both adultss and both aware of the situation.

[Trimmer]

Thanks Trimmer. The point of the counselling for me is to minimise the fallout after we Seperate. I've been honest all along with the councillor and wife with my intentions to leave. My wife still hopes we can reconcile and save the marriage but I have not given her reason to believe this. I guess we are there for different reasons which is not a good thing. However we are both adultss and both aware of the situation.

I understand you might believe this, but I question whether that is truly the case.

 

You believe you have been honest with your intentions to leave, however the fact that you are continuing to participate in counseling only feeds what you admit is your wife's hope that "we can reconcile". If she still hopes this, when you know for sure there is no possibility of reconciliation, then she is not aware of the situation.

 

If the most clear you have been with her about the certainty of your leaving the marriage is that you "have not given her reason to believe [otherwise]", then she is not aware of the situation.

 

The very fact that you say she still has hope, but that you have "not given her reason" to do so sounds like there is some very passive communication going on - either way, you do not have a meeting of the minds on this point.

 

I'm not necessarily saying that it's your fault or responsibility - although if you are just going along with counseling, allowing her to feel like there might be hope, and keeping your 'plausible deniability' by saying "well, I'm not saying anything to give her hope...", just because it keeps the drama low for now, then you certainly aren't helping move anything in a useful forward direction.

 

So saying you're both adults and aware of the situation is a pretty vague claim.

 

Do she and the counselor know - clearly - that the only reason you are participating is to attempt to effect a smooth transition out of the marriage.

 

I just think you still sound a little vague - like you're leaving in some wiggle room in your wording "honest...with my intentions to leave..." and "have not given her reason to believe this..." These are just loose enough that I have to wonder if maybe she doesn't really understand that "I am leaving, and the only reason I'm participating in counseling is to try to make my departure easier."

Edited October 5, 2014 by Trimmer

[Ronni_W]

The point of the counselling for me is to minimise the fallout after we Seperate. I've been honest all along with the councillor and wife with my intentions to leave.

How long have you been in counseling? Are you sure that the counselor is not just taking you (both) for a ride? If the counselor knows your intention to leave your wife, but your wife is still harbouring hopes for reconciliation, then the counselor is NOT doing an effective job...you're not getting what you're paying for!

 

In any case, stringing your wife along will exacerbate not minimize the fallout after you leave.

[No Limit]

I think space and low contact is the way to go. I'm not leaving my wife for her. That I am sure of. So I need to deal with my on situation first and try to forget about the exAP in the meantime. This would give us both the space to deal with our own dramas so that we can be in better places individually if we do end up together.

Problem is it's not easy holding your nerve when your nerves are torn by a marriage beeakdown and my exAP is getting support from another man.

 

Are you serious? You want to stay with your wife/in your old nest to wait until your exAP gives you a sign?

 

Just divorce already. Don't you even realize how manipulative you are being? You don't care about your wife at all do you? Seriously, I hope your counselor is good enough to sense that a third party was involved all the time to blow your cover and hopefully your wife will have the guts to leave when she realizes in what a situation she really is.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is so conflict-avoidant.

 

Of course you will end up in the same situation with whomever you end up with because you avoid processing anyone else's perspective.

 

Your exAP is in a whole other relationship now and your strategy here is watch, wait and GO TO MC WITH YOUR WIFE.

 

what either of your partners want seems completely irrelevant to you, aside from being a nuisance.

 

Why do you even want your exAP?

I always wonder about relationships like this. It almost seems like the people are interchangeable. Despite slight variations, once the AP were potentially become the main focus, she would become "like a trap" because you are dependant on her continuing to provide that fantasy escape for you. And if she got too close she'd become "like a wife."

 

See this over and over on here.

Hear about how the main partner is "so controlling" when it is soberingly obvious that the cheating partner is totally conflict-avoidant and reckless.

Often the betrayed partner is trying to figure out why the hell this spouse they mrried can moyth "the I love yous" but has a total failure to launch in regards to actual loving behaviour.

 

They try to fix it while the cheating spouse, often without real explanation, just escapes un some way to fantasyland. Avoiding any real issues.

 

And it will be the same in the next relationship and the next because the cheating spouse's coping skills suck. Then they go around claiming "whays the point of the t

uh, it only hurts feelings." When really if you had stood up for feelings and boundaries from day one instead of expecting "Mommy" to know what you need, you could have had a happy healthy marriage where you worked as a team instead of some failed disaster where you truly only think of the fantasy-impulse of the moment.

[trippi1432]

Aargh - I don't think I can add much to what has already been stated prior and in your other threads; but hope that you take the advice to be totally transparent with your counselor just as you are here with us. If you truly want to use counseling to lessen the fallout, the counselor can't help you in that way when they are not aware of the "true intentions".

 

 

Currently, it only sounds like the counselor knows you intend to leave the marriage, which points to just your unhappiness with your wife's behavior (controlling) and not the true "Elephant in the room" (the, going on, four year affair....which is half of your marriage if I am correct from the previous threads).

 

 

Are you also going to Individual counseling? I would suggest it for you to work on the conflict-avoidance and procrastination. Those behaviors lead to one having to take the lead and make up for the lack of direction in a relationship (IMO). Net/Net: The other spouse appears "controlling" (when they actually may be frustrated by the behavior of the other spouse).

[Aargh]

Trimmer. Thankyou. I take what you are saying

[beach]

When are you filing for divorce?