What was I thinking??

[Temporarilyinsane]

I'll try to give some quick background details but will have to leave some out due to the fact that he's threatening legal action. Our story was the same as so many others on here, he said he was in an unhappy marriage and on the verge of divorce and I wasn't his first affair. I rejected his advances for months until he convinced me he did really want to leave his marriage. I had filed for divorce from my husband months prior to meeting him so I guess I naively believed he was being honest because I was going through something similar.

 

We were blissfully happy for a few months and planning a future, he was taking chances to see me often and putting me first and making me feel like his priority. Fed me all the right lines, he loved me, he couldn't wait for our life together, I was the best thing to ever happen to him etc. We weren't without problems though and it soon became apparent he wasn't exactly being honest. I caught him flirting with other women, on numerous occasions I had the uneasy feeling I was being lied to, he started to pull away and became less available to me. Red flags were coming up everywhere but I was hopelessly in love in with this man and tried to ignore the warnings and convince myself that we could get back to where we had started.

 

One day he unceremoniously dumped me through text, no explanation other than he couldn't do this to his kids. I was devastated, I asked him to meet me so we could have a real discussion but he refused, said he would when our emotions calmed down. Promised to always love me and hoped I would always be in his life. His words confused me, what he said and what he was doing didn't make any sense. We continued to communicate via text and then one day I received a message from him telling me his wife had filed for divorce. We saw each other a few days later and it was like nothing had happened between us.

 

Then the unthinkable happened, he started blaming me for her leaving him, said she knew about me and that someone had called her and told her everything. He claims she received this call and moved out and filed for divorce in a few days time. He has gotten so nasty and has made all kinds of threats to hurt me and my family, to tell my kids things to hurt my relationship with them and recently to pursue legal action against me for whatever I'm not sure. I've been through all the emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, indifference but I'm just having a hard time understanding why someone who said they loved me is now so intent on hurting me and blaming me for his choices.

 

I didn't seek him out, I didn't want any of this, but I was a fool and ignored my own intuition to be with a man I now suspect is narcissistic if not a sociopath. The devastation that he's caused has been unexplainable. I know I'll be fine eventually but I will never forget and wish desperately that I could erase him from my memory.

Edited October 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HBIC]

I didn't seek him out, I didn't want any of this, but I was a fool and ignored my own intuition to be with a man I now suspect is narcissistic if not a sociopath.

 

You nailed it on the diagnosis of your exMM. Don't feel too bad. There are lots of us here that got involved with folks far on the continuum toward sociopathy. STAY AWAY from this guy like it is your job. He feeds off drama. Also, you obviously can't trust anything he says because it's all engineered to gaslight you.

 

As to the first part of the quote above "I didn't seek him out, I didn't want any of this...," please take this time as you heal to self-reflect. Sociopaths and empaths form parasitic relationships only because the empaths ALLOW it. You were making choices all along and have to figure out what it is about you that let in such evil with a wide open door and a smile.

 

As I said, don't feel too bad. I was in the same spot. At least now I have the self-awareness to know that I was making terrible choices and that I allowed others to abuse me. Why? My brain's wiring for love is intertwined with the wires for pain.

 

It's very hard work to rewire things. Gotta understand and let go of a lot of past hurts.

 

(hugs) Hang in there. Goes without saying but stay away from this guy. Hang garlic around your neck if need be. Don't waste too much of your time trying to understand his behavior. Sociopaths see the world differently and act differently than the vast majority of other human beings. This is why their behavior only makes sense if you can accept that they cannot feel connections to others, they only pretend that they do (very convincingly). It's sad.

 

Be glad you are not his wife. You are free if you set yourself free mentally.

[Temporarilyinsane]

Thank you for your kind words. I've been trying to figure out why I allowed him in when the signs were there. He pushed to move things quickly, made all kinds of promises and I knew it just didn't feel right but like you said they have a way of making you believe them. If he's being honest about the time line regarding his wife leaving him she ran at the first opportunity as far and fast as she could. It tells me a lot and I know someday I will look back on this and know that I was lucky to not be his wife, I feel sorry for her and I know she knows what he is far better than I do. Now if my heart would just agree with my head I could start to heal.

[HBIC]

As much as we want healing to happen overnight, well, that's just not the way it is going to work. But every day, it is going to get a little easier, with the occasional crappy day thrown in for spice.

 

Come here and vent. And keep reading the stories of others to see how common this is in the human experience and the patterns. Count yourself lucky for checking this lesson off the list.

 

NC, NC, NC is the gospel for setting up the clearest and fastest way possible to heal. Really. Never respond to this man again for any reason.

 

I mistook my exMM's instant intimacy for love too. Nope. Fake. Fake. Fake. It was all a ploy to get my defenses down as fast as possible to enable him to suck energy.

 

One of the most horrifying things I realized in all this is that exMM NEVER loved me. I loved him, but he was just obsessed. And like the attention span of any toddler, obsessions come and go. Sad, really. Sociopaths are eternally bored and empty inside. It explains sooooooo much. Now that you can spot 'em in a crowd, just sidestep them or walk away

Edited October 5, 2014 by HBIC

[Temporarilyinsane]

In all my years on earth I have never met someone so empty inside, so evil, so cruel. It sickens me to know there are so many walking amongst us just ready to pounce the second your defenses are down.

 

Lesson definitely learned. I've had the pleasure of being hit on by married men in recent weeks and now I know to run and never look back. No good comes of these selfish creatures and I will never be a part of something like that again. I don't know how long it will take me to get over this but I do know it has forever changed me and it saddens me.

[Lovelysweet2]

I am sorry you had to live through a Narcissist. That is the only thankful thing I can think of MM, he was not that. They are awful people. But please be careful and not apply the disorder to simply men who sway, there are single men with it too.

[Temporarilyinsane]

Oh trust me, I know he's a special kind of a**hole. Only a small percentage of the population fits the description of what this man is.

[HBIC]

I do know it has forever changed me and it saddens me.

 

Being sad is understandable as you heal. But I would look at things like this: now you are SMARTER. And you can spot one of these mofos easily. The other poster is right, this special evil is not to be applied in blanket fashion to any group. Narcissism/sociopathy comes in every different flavor human being on earth. And we ALL fall somewhere on the empath/sociopath continuum.

 

You won't always be sad. At some point you'll feel indifference about this episode and happy if you are making good choices about your life.

 

As to MM hitting on you. Yep. Happens to me too. I've had to look at myself and realize that my behavior (openness, warmth) makes selfish people who would take advantage flock to me. Are you a flirt? I ask because this is the behavior pattern that gets me in trouble.

 

Your story is reminding me of something about my exMM. I remember once, early on, he said his W was upset because of the way he treated their children. He said he couldn't understand why she said he was so domineering in trying to control their behavior that he was actually scaring them and her. I thought it was very weird at the time. Now it all makes sense.

 

Yes, there is evil in the world and it's not just the Jeffrey Dahmers. Be smart, have healthy boundaries, and stay away from people you get a bad vibe from. (hugs)

[Temporarilyinsane]

 

As to MM hitting on you. Yep. Happens to me too. I've had to look at myself and realize that my behavior (openness, warmth) makes selfish people who would take advantage flock to me. Are you a flirt? I ask because this is the behavior pattern that gets me in

 

 

I wouldn't say I'm generally a flirt but I do have an openness about me that attracts people who take advantage and or try to control me. This experience has made me much more aware of that. Something I need to remember when interacting with people I suppose.

 

You said something about your exMM that struck a chord about his children, my exMM also made comments about his kids that sounded odd at times. He talked a lot about how his wife belittled his parenting skills and it absolutely crushed him but looking back on it now I think it crushed his ego to have anyone say ANYTHING negative about him. Since she filed for divorce he has hired a team of lawyers to devastate her and talked about bringing up personal intimate things he knows about her to use against her and gain custody. It's all about winning for him, I don't think he even thinks about what it will do to his kids.

 

I've seen a very ugly side of him and been on the receiving end of his wrath and logically I know who and what he is, I'm just resistant to accepting it. It makes me feel like a complete idiot and I'm embarrassed by it but I guess the love bombing phase was very successful and ensured he could successfully abuse me. All hope is not gone though, I was strong before him and it's still inside me, it's just going to take some work to get back.

[HBIC]

I fell for the love bombing too, and I also felt like a total idiot (even though I am not).

 

Now I forgive myself. I was dealing with something I had never dealt with before: a charismatic narcissist. A REALLY good (at creating the illusion) one. Hindsight is 20/20. It's so easy to go back now and look at the pattern and say, "holy smokes how did I miss that?!?!?!?!"

 

The heart and head don't heal at the same time. Frustrating but true. Your head will scream something but the heart will be feeling the opposite sometimes. Just take it day by day. In this case, don't, even for a second, listen to your heart, unless it is to have compassion from a very safe and completely removed distance (physically and mentally).

 

I am sure you are strong. You write with startlingly deep insight. If you concentrate on being grateful for the lesson and grateful this guy is out of your life, you'll be back to feeling that inner strength in no time. Promise

[Temporarilyinsane]

 

I am sure you are strong. You write with startlingly deep insight. If you concentrate on being grateful for the lesson and grateful this guy is out of your life, you'll be back to feeling that inner strength in no time. Promise

 

 

Believe me I've had much time to self reflect, too much it seems sometimes. I could logically dissect my life and mistakes to you but from an emotional aspect I find it hard to let go and not beat myself up. When I love and care I feel it very deeply and I take it as a crushing blow and personal failure if it doesn't work out.

 

Same reason it took me so long to walk away from a troubled marriage. I drive my friends and family crazy by seemingly putting up with garbage when I know better. Obviously the first thing I need to tackle.

 

Thank you so much for your responses, it really does help me stay focused to know I'm not the only one to survive a sociopath. The usual advice doesn't apply to us, few people understand the magnitude of betrayal and destruction they leave behind. The advice to start dating again is what I hear often but they don't understand I'm terrified of picking another one because that may be the thing that sends me over the edge, I can't and won't go through this again.

[HBIC]

As to issues you may have about feeling like a failure if things don't work out, this sounds a bit like having a need to control others. In this world, as I'm sure you know intellectually but perhaps not emotionally, there is no way to control anyone else. Everyone makes their own choices. Sometimes others act in a way we like, other times it is the opposite. That's just life. Love is a gamble and no one can make someone feel something or behave a certain way.

 

So how do we pick? Months ago I started a thread on trusting because I too was terrified of picking someone awful again. I did a lot of research to figure out why I had fallen for my exMM and why he behaved the way he did. I was feeling really jaded and wondered if all men were likely or at least capable of cheating and lying. I went out with a friend of mine and she told me to find a humble man, not some flashy guy. I have been in an absolutely wonderful relationship with a humble and kind, hard-working, brilliant (I could go on and on but you get the idea) man for several months now. Other people I trusted told me he was a man of integrity and his behavior has completely matched.

 

I had to learn to trust myself to be able to date. I had to be able to really listen to my intuition and know the difference between the empty flattery of a guy playing games and someone capable of real love, which grows like a garden over time.

 

The way you describe yourself, you sound a lot like me about a month after ending the A. I would take this time of being on your own now to really enjoy the peace of just enjoying you. Then, when you meet someone who shines with an inner goodness, you will be coming from a really happy, secure place and can build something wonderful together.

 

It will happen faster than you think if you just relax and let time flow on its own terms.

 

I'm glad this is helping you. (hugs)

[Temporarilyinsane]

Interesting perspective as far as the need to control others comment goes, it's funny that you say that because I hadn't really realized it but it definitely could be a possibility. My exH was controlling and I've gone in the opposite direction, control so I don't get controlled. Beat em to the punch so to speak. Although I do think part of it had to do with the deception with exMM, the promises made and the things said, I wanted them to be true. It's hard accepting they were all lies.

 

On good days I know that I need this time to heal and get to a place where I don't attract or fall for a bad guy again but sometimes I just want to have a distraction from the pain. I'm resisting though and will continue to take care of me. I know what you're saying is the truth and if I do it right then I'll be ready when the right person comes along. I think I got used to the drama and the chaos and it's uncomfortable to not have it but the visions I have for my future do not include those things so I'll be patient and kind to myself until I can retrain my brain.

 

You've been very insightful, I appreciate it. I feel kinda silly having an open conversation with you about this but maybe in this instance a stranger can help me more than those close to me.

[HBIC]

You've been very insightful, I appreciate it. I feel kinda silly having an open conversation with you about this but maybe in this instance a stranger can help me more than those close to me.

 

If it helps restore your faith in humanity, just think that there is a lady out there somewhere in the world who should be doing her work but instead is spending time on LS writing to you to try to help. This is a lady you've never met but who cares simply because she sees a situation where a little warmth and kindness could go a long way.

 

I know what you mean about the addiction to drama thing. It takes a while for the brain to rewire. Withdrawal is a b**** but WELL worth it to be on the other side.

 

We are smarter now for this lesson. Men like our exMM's prey on the vulnerable. The great value coming out of this is that we have a sense of our boundaries now, and we won't allow others to abuse them. In the future when someone gives you a bad vibe, instead of making excuses, you'll know to walk away immediately.

 

Fill your life with positive people and keep the drama in check by carefully selecting who gets access to the different layers of your being. The innermost layers are only for those that deserve to be there, with whom you have an equal exchange of energy.

 

I'll warn you, the guy you meet who might be worthy of that innermost layer might seem a lot less exciting at first than your exMM because he won't love bomb you. He will be an emotionally healthy man who proceeds through sharing intimacy and layers of being at a logical pace. Hang with it. When you bond with someone who doesn't extract your energy you can be at peace and that will bring you more joy than any of exMM's roller coaster ride.

[Temporarilyinsane]

I've already been doing some house cleaning! Out with the garbage to make room for the treasures and believe me I have some wonderful people in my life that lift me up and keep me sane, most of the time

 

I'm looking forward to the day when I can look back on all of this without anger and hurt and not care why or wonder what he's doing or who he's doing it with. I know I deserve so much more and I'm capable of a healthy relationship but I do know I need to put the work in to make sure I do not repeat the same mistake or leave myself open to another toxic relationship.

 

I used to buy into the awful things he said about his W and I felt sorry for him for being soooo mistreated and just knew I could love him better than she did but I am to the point now where I know she wasn't evil and I actually feel sorry for her and hope that by divorcing this monster she can find happiness because like the rest of us here she deserves it.

 

I've read some of your previous posts and it's a little uncanny how similar we are and how our situations had similarities. The internet is a strange beast and you never know who or what you'll find, so thank you, thank you for taking time out of your evening. I wish you the best of luck with your new relationship and new lease on life!

[2sunny]

I'm sorry he hurt you.

 

When I was divorcing my (ex)husband I always felt sad for the gals he dated. I didn't want him anymore (he cheated several times and was a consistent liar). The women he dated most likely heard all about our life, impending divorce and all the drama he kept creating. He wanted me to take him back.

 

It wasn't fair to the gals he dated. He was a mess. He wasn't emotionally available for them.

 

I believe 100% that it's best to never date a man until his divorce is final. That's the rule I live by. It's FOR ME.

 

Men going through the divorce aren't in a good emotional space to focus on the woman they intend to date. It causes additional pain for many.

 

I'm sorry he's been such a jerk.

 

Not all men are that way.

[Temporarilyinsane]

Thank you, jerk is an understatement! He told me he was separated but living in the same house for the kids. Yep, I actually fell for that because I was actually doing the same with my exH but I really had filed for divorce. Never again! My new rule book is going to be huge because of this guy

 

The wives are truly made out to be awful but once I started to figure this guy out I started to realize my ex could make up all kinds of things about me and they wouldn't be true. One of my new rules is to see how he treats and talks about the ex. Women generally don't become awful until our men makes us that way. My heart goes out to her.

[beach]

When I start to date someone I pay attention to what he says his name is, where he says he's lived or grew up.

 

I then either pay a small fee to find out that he's married or divorced. If I can access the info through the court system for free all the better.

 

If say that 80% of the men that I've dated in the past 10 years said they were divorced - but were actually still married. Some blatantly still married...some had filed but the divorce wasn't yet final.

 

If they aren't divorced (as in past tense) that means they are still married.

 

 

And the fact that they lie about it to date women just makes it that much worse.

 

I do my homework at the beginning now - because too many men are not honest. Even one little lie and they are GONE!

 

So when you chat at the beginning try to ask him questions that allow you to get to know about him - then get to digging around a bit.

 

One guy I dated even had a huge court record with tons of burglary etc! No thank you! Thank god I checked!

[Temporarilyinsane]

Oh wow! Who knew you had to be a detective to date these days?! I'm so jaded, I wonder if it's even worth it

[beach]

It's worth it when it's an honest, nice guy.

 

So I listen, verify and then see if I can trust them.

 

Trust is earned. If I can't verify that what they say to be true then I don't trust them. They eliminate themselves when they lie.

 

The older I get it seems the more married men there are that think it's ok to cheat. They just forget to tell their wives, which makes them a jerk in my world.

[HBIC]

I've read some of your previous posts and it's a little uncanny how similar we are and how our situations had similarities. The internet is a strange beast and you never know who or what you'll find, so thank you, thank you for taking time out of your evening. I wish you the best of luck with your new relationship and new lease on life!

 

You are very welcome!!!

 

And I'm glad we have a few more voices on this thread. Their advice is great. These MMs triangulate the women in their life. It's all a perverse game of control to them.

 

Yuck. Life is too short. I think my exMMs wife is a saint. All of the bad things he said about her were either total BS or behavior that makes sense when you consider the effer was gaslighting her. There has been zero drama between me and her after I ended the A and told her. God bless her.

 

ExMM and I still have very limited contact through our industry. He still acts like a dbag, hounddog trying to get with me (and whomever else is within 10 feet of him). Eeewwww. I am sticking to my boundary, though. Mostly for my own good but also because I respect the fact that exMM is married. He may not care about his vows, but I am not going to hurt his W ever again.

 

I hope that either he turns things around and magically becomes a decent human being and a good husband to her OR she gets half and has a wonderful life without him.

 

I think in some parallel universe, I could be very good friends with her...

Edited October 7, 2014 by HBIC

[Appreciate]

Thank you, jerk is an understatement! He told me he was separated but living in the same house for the kids. Yep, I actually fell for that because I was actually doing the same with my exH but I really had filed for divorce. Never again! My new rule book is going to be huge because of this guy

 

So next time you are with a married man, you won't fall for that line? Is that what you are saying?

 

The wives are truly made out to be awful but once I started to figure this guy out I started to realize my ex could make up all kinds of things about me and they wouldn't be true.

 

And you were perfectly honest and accurate about your exH?

 

One of my new rules is to see how he treats and talks about the ex. Women generally don't become awful until our men makes us that way. My heart goes out to her.

 

I see. So she wasn't awful, but if she had been it would have been because he made her into that. But if you had wound up with the MM, then all of the bad things he said about her would've put taken as the truth.

 

My guess is that you are the last person she wants sympathy from.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but it sounds like you need to write a new rule book for yourself along with the one about red flags in men. You're utterly clueless and that's why you got tossed away. Please seek some form of counseling for yourself so you don't bring some douchebag around your kids.

[Popsicle]

Sounds like his wife left him and he still does not know exactly why so he is blaming you. It's probably him! You dodged a bullet.

[Temporarilyinsane]

Appreciate, you sound like a very angry bitter person. I said none of the things you implied but I won't bother correcting you because for some crazy reason I get the feeling you just fish for conflict. Have a lovely day!

[Temporarilyinsane]

Sounds like his wife left him and he still does not know exactly why so he is blaming you. It's probably him! You dodged a bullet.

 

Yes, she left and yes he's blaming me. I've left out a rather large part of the story though but let's just say there were plenty of women that could have informed his W. So yes, I dodged a bullet on many levels.