BF's rude, immature female friend is driving me insane

[spiderlilies]

Hi. My BF and I have been together since 2011. I have a problem with a friend that was introduced to us in late 2012. This girl started by adding both of us on social media. I noticed that while she was making an effort to get close to my BF, by commenting on his posts very often (almost daily, and oftentimes with merely irrelevant comments, as if to get his attention), she was not exerting the same effort to know me. I tried to ignore it for a while, thinking that this was just online stuff, until later on, I found out that she already started giving him a pet name.

 

I set her aside and talked to her about her banter with my BF. She apologized for the trouble, and didn't reply afterwards. I did this calmly and politely; however, her solution was to just unfriend us. At this point, I didn't dislike her yet; I just asked her about her frequent commenting, and yet she resorted to something that drastic, when all she had to do was tone things down.

 

You see, this girl is 24, but is quite vulgar and immature - and proud of it. Her posts are public, and she often tags her posts as #I am a mean person, #I am bitchy, #I am immature, #I am passive-aggressive, and the like, as if admitting that she is all those makes her any better. She also likes making TMI posts about her pooping and farting habits, boobs, etc., and basically just makes stupid posts, taking refuge in the "I'm immature and I know it" card. She's also the youngest child, and her entire family and even her friends coddle her. Since I'm probably the first person who didn't get along with her, she started painting me as crazy.

 

Anyway, later on, when my BF and I broke up for a while, he added her back, and she kept making passive-aggressive remarks about me, and started getting involved in our affairs, as if trying to suck up to my BF. She apparently went around asking my friends what I was confiding to them, because she wanted to clear things up, as if she herself had knowledge of what went on between us. Instead, she was just going by on her assumptions. Eventually, when BF and I got back together, she figured that I may be uncomfortable with her, and unfriended him again. She apologized to him for getting unnecessarily involved (but not to me, when I was the one who told BF about her antics), and said that she was just acting in his best interests, because, as a friend, she was invested in his happiness. That did not sound very platonic to me.

 

She would go on a cycle of friending and unfriending him and us. Basically, she'd suddenly realize that she couldn't hold it in anymore and that she missed him fiercely, and would add him again, only to disappear again when she realized how much stress she was causing us. Meanwhile, she'd keep saying that she didn't have any feelings for him, all the while making posts about missing him fiercely and getting giddy over something as simple as him greeting her during the New Year. At this point, I was already growing suspicious. I had, and still have, a hard time believing that her feelings for him are purely platonic. Our mutual friends also keep taking her side, insisting that she did nothing wrong, but my intuition tells me otherwise.

 

So why am I still fussing over her? Well, just recently, she figured she really couldn't hold it back anymore, and is here to stay. She quite rudely and arrogantly messaged me that she didn't care anymore if I'd get offended by her posts, and that she wouldn't tone down her banter with my BF because banter is part of what makes her, her, and those posts aren't directed at me anyway. She also played the "maybe I'm immature" card, saying that maybe she doesn't understand relationships. (I was tempted to say that that's no excuse for her not to understand that she may not be everyone's cup of tea.) I was quite surprised that I didn't know how to react. The problem is that my BF and friends, until now, side with her, and keep saying that I'm just being jealous. Indeed, I am, but considering how shamelessly she acts, how can I not be bothered?

 

Adding to the problem is the fact that BF and I have been in an LDR since last year. (I left to study abroad not long after we reconciled.) Because of our mutual friends, they have been seeing each other more often, and I am greatly worried that they will grow close. BF is always evasive when it comes to her. When I ask him if he's close to, say, person A, he will automatically give an answer, but when I ask about this friend, he will reply something like, "I don't know, and does it even matter?" This further bothers me. Even if it's true that they only have platonic feelings for each other, the fact remains that this woman has no respect for our relationship. BF continues to hang out with her, and I really hate it. Sadly, I cannot tell him what to do, but at the same time, I feel that BF is trivializing the fact that I think that this lady is trouble.

 

A friend suggested that maybe I should just content myself in thinking that I am not on the same level as she is, and that if she's proud to be immature, then she can be that way. It'll bite her in the ass someday. I sure hope so. Until then, though, I'm still worried and distressed that BF enjoys her company. What worries me even more is this nagging insecurity that BF sees her as someone who is just as amusing and interesting as I am, when I would feel insulted to be compared to someone like her. One of those times that she unfriended him, my BF said that he missed her. (Which reminds me - I feel that she is doing that friending-unfriending thing just to get his attention.) However, this girl is a loaded issue, and I cannot discuss her without BF getting mad at me. Also, if I confront the girl, she will just continue to play the immaturity card and might possibly tattle. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.

 

What do I do?

[ExpatInItaly]

While I agree that she sounds annoying, immature and disrespectful of boundaries, I also think you're directing your anger and frustration at the wrong person. Your boyfriend is the one who should be setting firmer boundaries and protecting your relationship. She couldn't causeso much trouble if he didn't pay attention to her antics. And, with all due respect, you're inadvertently feeding into the drama by accepting her friend requests time and again. If she unfriends you again, simply don't respond to her friend request in the future.

 

If I were you, I'd be asking myself the following: What is it about this girl that makes you feel insecure? Has your boyfriend shown interest in her before? Do you think she is somehow a better option for your him? It might be worth it to examine where these uneasy feelings are really coming from. It could be that your jealousy is over-blown, or you might have real cause for concern. If that's the case, it's your boyfriend you should be talking to about these problems; it's not all on her. If you are not able to discuss it with him, ask yourself why. Perhaps you're coming across as accusatory? If you're talking to him calmly and rationally and he still gets update, you should take a step back and evaluate whether you want to be with someone who isn't willing to hear you.

Edited October 5, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Els]

I agree with Expat - you're directing your anger at the wrong person. While this girl sounds like a handful, you do not actually have any right to tell a virtual stranger what they can or cannot do. On the other hand, as a couple who presumably care about each other, you and your bf SHOULD be able to negotiate mutually acceptable boundaries where friends of the opposite sex are concerned. You should be able to express your concerns to him and he should be willing to address them and come up with a compromise. If you cannot, then something is wrong with the R above and beyond this girl and her antics. If she disappeared overnight, it would not solve your problem for the long term. You need to address the root of the issue - why your R is capable of being threatened so badly by a third person (or at least why you feel it is)

[spiderlilies]

While I agree that she sounds annoying, immature and disrespectful of boundaries, I also think you're directing your anger and frustration at the wrong person. Your boyfriend is the one who should be setting firmer boundaries and protecting your relationship. She couldn't causeso much trouble if he didn't pay attention to her antics. And, with all due respect, you're inadvertently feeding into the drama by accepting her friend requests time and again. If she unfriends you again, simply don't respond to her friend request in the future.

 

If I were you, I'd be asking myself the following: What is it about this girl that makes you feel insecure? Has your boyfriend shown interest in her before? Do you think she is somehow a better option for your him? It might be worth it to examine where these uneasy feelings are really coming from. It could be that your jealousy is over-blown, or you might have real cause for concern. If that's the case, it's your boyfriend you should be talking to about these problems; it's not all on her. If you are not able to discuss it with him, ask yourself why. Perhaps you're coming across as accusatory? If you're talking to him calmly and rationally and he still gets update, you should take a step back and evaluate whether you want to be with someone who isn't willing to hear you.

 

The problem is that BF finds her interesting and funny. Both she and my BF have a lowbrow sense of humor. My BF is 32 but his sense of humor is very juvenile, so he really finds her poop and fart jokes amusing, never mind the fact that he and this woman are already adults. Moreover, they share common interests, such as comic books, and this woman also responds quite well to my BF's banter. In fact, I think BF might have been the one who initiated the banter.

 

What bothers me is that my BF sides with her and keeps telling me that if she's just a friend, what does it matter? It still matters to me because she is being much too friendly with him. I can't help but feel suspicious, because she never exerted the same amount of effort to try to know me, whereas she responds quite enthusiastically to him.

 

When we broke up briefly, my BF was even the one who told her "the scary lady is gone; you can come back now." He didn't even bother to find out what actually happened (that I calmly talked to her and she just said she'd stay away); the girl just made a pity post about how she realized in hindsight that she didn't feel at ease about me at all (then contradicted herself by saying that she was friendly towards me), and he believed her. He won't believe me, yet it does not feel right to screencap my conversation with the woman. The woman only clarified things much later, but my BF still believes that I was hostile to her from the start.

 

Also, every now and then, this woman will post articles from Thought Catalog or Elite Daily about relationships - of course, only the things she agrees with, such as how flirting isn't bad - as if to get BF's attention. The fact that he keeps siding with this woman is what I see as extremely threatening.

 

Regarding my insecurity, the thing is, I know that I've achieved so much more than she has. I think my life is more well-rounded than hers, and yet BF seems to put me and her on the same level (or maybe that's just how I feel and that's not the case). It's as if he is proud of all my achievements just as he is amused by a stupid fart joke she makes.

 

As for adding her, she claims she wants to start a "not-so-strained acquaintanceship" with me. People have suggested trying to see her good side, so I keep doing so, but honestly, I just keep seeing her bad side. The only possibly good thing I can see about her is that she can be amusing - albeit to people with her sense of humor. That aside, it's also a way of keeping tabs on their banter. BF knows I dislike their banter, but the times that I didn't add her, their banter would escalate. I have this feeling that when they meet in person, their banter might go out of hand, but I at least want to see that they're trying to tone it down somehow.

[spiderlilies]

I agree with Expat - you're directing your anger at the wrong person. While this girl sounds like a handful, you do not actually have any right to tell a virtual stranger what they can or cannot do. On the other hand, as a couple who presumably care about each other, you and your bf SHOULD be able to negotiate mutually acceptable boundaries where friends of the opposite sex are concerned. You should be able to express your concerns to him and he should be willing to address them and come up with a compromise. If you cannot, then something is wrong with the R above and beyond this girl and her antics. If she disappeared overnight, it would not solve your problem for the long term. You need to address the root of the issue - why your R is capable of being threatened so badly by a third person (or at least why you feel it is)

 

I see. Honestly, I think both of them are worthy of my anger, except I don't talk to this woman anymore, as she will make pity posts to my BF if I do. My BF doesn't want to set boundaries with her anymore, because he says that there's nothing to set. I am quite frustrated, as he knows very well that I cannot stand her. He keeps telling me to just get along with her, and even told me to stop disliking her. I have to pretend to him that I don't dislike her, but I drop hints that I'm not comfortable with her, without outright saying that I dislike her. As to why she is threatening, see my reply to ExpatInItaly. Maybe it might be all in my head, but I think that this woman brings out my insecurities, even though I don't have much to be insecure about compared to her. Even the woman has admitted that my achievements (e.g. being able to study abroad and travel alone) are admirable, and that she couldn't even achieve those.

Edited October 5, 2014 by spiderlilies
wording

[spiderlilies]

Perhaps you're coming across as accusatory? If you're talking to him calmly and rationally and he still gets update, you should take a step back and evaluate whether you want to be with someone who isn't willing to hear you.

 

Sorry, I forgot to address this. It's because he thinks that there's nothing to be bothered about. He thinks that my point of view is just me being sensitive, so he doesn't want to do anything. But the worse part is that he really gets so defensive when I ask questions, even when it's done calmly. For instance, I just asked, "What's that inside joke she was talking about?" And he replied, "I don't know. Why; does it matter if I know?"

 

Another example: "Does she get rather personal with you?" And instead of answering, he first said, "Why, does it matter?" And he tried to change the topic before actually answering no. If the answer is no, why does he have to be so defensive anyway? He always has to add "Does it matter?" when I ask about this woman, but if I ask the same questions about someone else, he answers properly.

[No Limit]

Take your focus off the girl. It's not like your BF can't shut her off, he just doesn't want to. You can't expect anything from that girl, judging from your description her whole environment encourages her behavior and quite frankly the fact that your BF wants the presence of a girl like that anywhere in his life (doesn't matter to me whether real or virtual one) is a big red flag. Is he so desperate for attention you take it from a poop-fart-chick?

 

I'm very sure she had something to do with the 'break' between you two. Of course he doesn't want to set boundaries, she'll be a convenient F-buddy when you're gone. And "gone" doesn't mean gone as in broken up.

[veggirl]

Your bf is intrigued by her and is interested in her. That's why he ran to add her to FB as soon as you guys broke up. If he won't squash this, you should dump him. Honestly, it's HIM inviting this drama into your lives, he could EASILY shut it down. He could stop replying to her, delete her, block her, tell her to quit crossing the line, etc....he doesn't. He likes the attention and he LIKES HER.

[spiderlilies]

Take your focus off the girl. It's not like your BF can't shut her off, he just doesn't want to. You can't expect anything from that girl, judging from your description her whole environment encourages her behavior and quite frankly the fact that your BF wants the presence of a girl like that anywhere in his life (doesn't matter to me whether real or virtual one) is a big red flag. Is he so desperate for attention you take it from a poop-fart-chick?

 

I'm very sure she had something to do with the 'break' between you two. Of course he doesn't want to set boundaries, she'll be a convenient F-buddy when you're gone. And "gone" doesn't mean gone as in broken up.

 

Indeed; he refuses to cut her off. I hate how he's so defensive about her. He attended an event that she and her friends attended. He was there for the entire weekend, and he even spent some one-on-one time with her. Every time I asked something about her, he would follow up with his usual, "Does it matter?" and refuse to answer the question. I want to tell him, "Yes, it matters. You're not taking my feelings into consideration."

 

I don't think he's gonna use her as an F-buddy. He's not into the idea of that. However, he definitely loves the attention she gives him.

[spiderlilies]

Your bf is intrigued by her and is interested in her. That's why he ran to add her to FB as soon as you guys broke up. If he won't squash this, you should dump him. Honestly, it's HIM inviting this drama into your lives, he could EASILY shut it down. He could stop replying to her, delete her, block her, tell her to quit crossing the line, etc....he doesn't. He likes the attention and he LIKES HER.

 

He keeps saying that she shouldn't matter. Yes, it matters to me because it's quite clear that they are being way too friendly with each other. What's even more is that he refuses to answer questions about her.

[Keke1]

Indeed; he refuses to cut her off. I hate how he's so defensive about her. He attended an event that she and her friends attended. He was there for the entire weekend, and he even spent some one-on-one time with her. Every time I asked something about her, he would follow up with his usual, "Does it matter?" and refuse to answer the question. I want to tell him, "Yes, it matters. You're not taking my feelings into consideration."

 

I don't think he's gonna use her as an F-buddy. He's not into the idea of that. However, he definitely loves the attention she gives him.

You are away and they are hanging out now. You are wondering if they'll get closer? Well there isn't to many steps left for them to go now. No lie I'd be worried. The drama isn't necessary and he enjoys it. Good luck because I'd be steamed enough to tell my SO to F off

[spiderlilies]

You are away and they are hanging out now. You are wondering if they'll get closer? Well there isn't to many steps left for them to go now. No lie I'd be worried. The drama isn't necessary and he enjoys it. Good luck because I'd be steamed enough to tell my SO to F off

 

At this point, I feel so disrespected that I want to dump him, but at the same time, I don't know if I'm being too hasty. However, the fact remains that he keeps responding to any questions about her with "Does it matter?," and either takes a while to answer or outright refuses to answer at all. When I ask follow-up questions, he even says, "Oh, so it does matter," as if wanting to trap me - like, if I say something he doesn't like, he'll find an excuse to break up.

 

Also, our mutual friends keep saying that nothing is wrong. Even though they see how distressed I am, they dismiss it as me being irrational and they keep saying to just be happy that my BF has a new friend. How can I, when she's like this? Apparently I'm the one who's getting in the way of their friendship, even though I was in his life first.

 

However, I kind of feel that if we break up, then he and this woman will "win," and that's just not fair. They'll pretty much get what they wanted - to cavort around without me, the GF, being in the picture - and won't have learned anything at all. If anything, I will probably be miserable thinking about the good memories we shared while they will just apathetically get on with their lives and go all-out with their banter.

[Diezel]

Dump him and let them be together. It sounds like they deserve each other.

 

I don't get why you are allowing this to seep into your life like this? She's clearly not going anywhere, so why keep him AND her (sorry, but its a combo deal) in your life?

 

Specially if it's an LDR.

[JS84]

I'm not seeing what you have going for you in this relationship. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has a healthy respect for boundaries or your feelings towards this woman. You're in a LDR on top of that so you have very little control or say regarding who he hangs out with. If I had a gf who I cared about and she expressed concerns about a female friend of mine, even if we don't see eye to eye, I wouldn't be dismissive of her feelings/opinion. TBH neither of them sound all that mature. And you need to stop giving weight to what your friends are saying. It's your relationship, not theirs.

Edited October 5, 2014 by JS84

[WhiskeyJack]

He doesn't respect you. He keeps saying "Why does it matter" because he's he knows he's guilty about whats going on between him and this girl.

 

Bottom line, leave him. He'll just keep up this behaviour because he can get away with it.

[jen_r]

I just went through a similar situation. My bf met this girl a few months ago while on tour and she posted a ton of pictures of her with my bf (some with the band as well), and had his phone # and added him on FB and Instagram. I was like "whatever" until I saw some FB messages that I DID not like. I said "You don't know this girl, why are you talking with her?" So he deleted her from FB and his phone - I didnt ask him to. She kept commenting on his instagram and liking EVERY SINGLE picture he put up. He was just in her hometown a couple days ago (..hes back on tour) and I told him to keep his distance from her and only say "hey" if he had to. Well, according to him he told her that I was upset and what the deal was and that she needed to keep away from him. He did this because he knew the situation was bothering me. She hasn't been all over his social media anymore...

 

You should be open with your boyfriend and tell him you're uncomfortable and if the tables were turned, how would he feel? I wouldn't want to make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable, especially if its a "new" friend...

[No Limit]

He keeps saying that she shouldn't matter.

 

Translates into "Your feelings shouldn't matter". What's making you like that guy?

[Keke1]

I just went through a similar situation. My bf met this girl a few months ago while on tour and she posted a ton of pictures of her with my bf (some with the band as well), and had his phone # and added him on FB and Instagram. I was like "whatever" until I saw some FB messages that I DID not like. I said "You don't know this girl, why are you talking with her?" So he deleted her from FB and his phone - I didnt ask him to. She kept commenting on his instagram and liking EVERY SINGLE picture he put up. He was just in her hometown a couple days ago (..hes back on tour) and I told him to keep his distance from her and only say "hey" if he had to. Well, according to him he told her that I was upset and what the deal was and that she needed to keep away from him. He did this because he knew the situation was bothering me. She hasn't been all over his social media anymore...

 

You should be open with your boyfriend and tell him you're uncomfortable and if the tables were turned, how would he feel? I wouldn't want to make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable, especially if its a "new" friend...

 

You told him to just say hey? Might as well tell him not to say a thing lol. I don't think that is necessary though, neither is you telling him how or how much? All that isn't needed. The problem I see with what you said is "he told her that I was upset" by doing this he let her know he's completely fine with talking to her. Dumped it all on you which is a bad thing IMO. Its his job to protect the relationship on his end. Any leak needs to be plugged ASAP

Edited October 5, 2014 by Keke1

[SawtoothMars]

I just went through a similar situation. My bf met this girl a few months ago while on tour and she posted a ton of pictures of her with my bf (some with the band as well), and had his phone # and added him on FB and Instagram. I was like "whatever" until I saw some FB messages that I DID not like. I said "You don't know this girl, why are you talking with her?" So he deleted her from FB and his phone - I didnt ask him to. She kept commenting on his instagram and liking EVERY SINGLE picture he put up. He was just in her hometown a couple days ago (..hes back on tour) and I told him to keep his distance from her and only say "hey" if he had to. Well, according to him he told her that I was upset and what the deal was and that she needed to keep away from him. He did this because he knew the situation was bothering me. She hasn't been all over his social media anymore...

You should be open with your boyfriend and tell him you're uncomfortable and if the tables were turned, how would he feel? I wouldn't want to make my boyfriend feel uncomfortable, especially if its a "new" friend...

 

*facepalm*

 

Expecting fidelity from a guy in a band is like expecting to find out you are some unacknowledged princess from some country. It is nothing more than female fantasy... and a dumb one at that. If you are choosing to date this guy, you don't have a right to be jealous.

[jen_r]

You told him to just say hey? Might as well tell him not to say a thing lol. I don't think that is necessary though, neither is you telling him how or how much? All that isn't needed. The problem I see with what you said is "he told her that I was upset" by doing this he let her know he's completely fine with talking to her. Dumped it all on you which is a bad thing IMO. Its his job to protect the relationship on his end. Any leak needs to be plugged ASAP

 

Well, if she came up to him I think it's rude as hell to just not say anything? Of course he has to say "hey", but I wanted it to end there. Secondly, he didn't have to say anything at all to her about keeping her distance, but he did.

[Spectre]

I tried to ignore it for a while, thinking that this was just online stuff, until later on, I found out that she already started giving him a pet name.

 

As soon as I learned she'd given him a pet name I would of told him that he has to get this girl out of his life.

 

You see, this girl is 24, but is quite vulgar and immature - and proud of it. Her posts are public, and she often tags her posts as #I am a mean person, #I am bitchy, #I am immature, #I am passive-aggressive, and the like, as if admitting that she is all those makes her any better.

 

I hate women who do this, it's like they think telling you in advance that they are mean and bitchy absolves them of any bad behavior. I knew a girl who had a screen name that was literally "ICan'tBeNiceToYou". On the surface stuff like that doesn't seem that bad, but again..they are bragging about how terrible they are.

 

She also likes making TMI posts about her pooping and farting habits, boobs, etc., and basically just makes stupid posts, taking refuge in the "I'm immature and I know it" card.

 

Again, I hate stuff like this. See, she thinks she is clever. She talks about farting and all that so she can come across as "one of the guys" to men. But she will also throw in comments about her boobs to also remind them "hey, I do have tits and a vagina here". She mistakenly thinks non-terrible people are attracted to stuff like that.

 

Since I'm probably the first person who didn't get along with her, she started painting me as crazy.

 

Another red flag to me, her painting you as crazy honestly sounds like her beginning to attempt to turn your bf against you.

 

Anyway, later on, when my BF and I broke up for a while, he added her back, and she kept making passive-aggressive remarks about me, and started getting involved in our affairs, as if trying to suck up to my BF.Instead, she was just going by on her assumptions. Eventually, when BF and I got back together,

 

Why did you break up in the first place? Who initiated the break up, you or him?

 

She would go on a cycle of friending and unfriending him and us. Basically, she'd suddenly realize that she couldn't hold it in anymore and that she missed him fiercely, and would add him again, only to disappear again when she realized how much stress she was causing us. Meanwhile, she'd keep saying that she didn't have any feelings for him, all the while making posts about missing him fiercely and getting giddy over something as simple as him greeting her during the New Year. At this point, I was already growing suspicious. I had, and still have, a hard time believing that her feelings for him are purely platonic. Our mutual friends also keep taking her side, insisting that she did nothing wrong, but my intuition tells me otherwise.

 

There is no way this person doesn't have feelings for your boyfriend. Her constant game of friending and unfriending is also her doing something wrong and if your mutual friend doesn't see that then I'd hesitate to call them a mutual friend.

 

Though the problem is why is your BF continually accepting her friend requests? What does he say about all this?

 

So why am I still fussing over her? Well, just recently, she figured she really couldn't hold it back anymore, and is here to stay. She quite rudely and arrogantly messaged me that she didn't care anymore if I'd get offended by her posts, and that she wouldn't tone down her banter with my BF

 

If your BF doesn't cut her out of his life for this alone there is a problem.

 

Adding to the problem is the fact that BF and I have been in an LDR since last year. (I left to study abroad not long after we reconciled.)

 

I think this also might be a problem. How old are you and your bf? The only thing is..you say you left abroad(so I assume not just another state, but another country?) not long after you got back together. I don't know, for me I would question if getting back together was the right move if you knew you were going to be going abroad soon after. A LDR is never easy, and on top of that you guys just suffered a break up and had obvious mending to do.

 

Because of our mutual friends, they have been seeing each other more often, and I am greatly worried that they will grow close. BF is always evasive when it comes to her. When I ask him if he's close to, say, person A, he will automatically give an answer, but when I ask about this friend, he will reply something like, "I don't know, and does it even matter?" This further bothers me. Even if it's true that they only have platonic feelings for each other, the fact remains that this woman has no respect for our relationship. BF continues to hang out with her, and I really hate it. Sadly, I cannot tell him what to do, but at the same time, I feel that BF is trivializing the fact that I think that this lady is trouble.

 

See I definitely think the long distance thing is really adding in to your problems. You aren't there and this girl is, and they are seeing each other often? I find that wrong. His saying "why does it matter" if you ask if he is close to her is wrong. I feel this girl is into him, I feel from the way he acts that he might not have romantic feelings for her..BUT he might be getting a huge ego boost from the attention, especially since you are in another country.

 

A friend suggested that maybe I should just content myself in thinking that I am not on the same level as she is, and that if she's proud to be immature, then she can be that way. It'll bite her in the ass someday. I sure hope so. Until then, though, I'm still worried and distressed that BF enjoys her company. What worries me even more is this nagging insecurity that BF sees her as someone who is just as amusing and interesting as I am, when I would feel insulted to be compared to someone like her. One of those times that she unfriended him, my BF said that he missed her. (Which reminds me - I feel that she is doing that friending-unfriending thing just to get his attention.) However, this girl is a loaded issue, and I cannot discuss her without BF getting mad at me. Also, if I confront the girl, she will just continue to play the immaturity card and might possibly tattle. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.

 

What do I do?

 

Honestly, his saying he misses this girl is messed up. I feel like honestly you need to tell your BF that he can't see this girl anymore or talk to her and if he can't comply then you need to end the relationship. You maybe can't tell him what to do, but you CAN tell him what YOU are going to do if he continues to behave this way.

 

Though I still feel the relationship will have problems as long as it is long distance.

[bubbaganoosh]

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.

 

What do I do?

 

Feel sorry for her. She's a loser, she knows it so she acts out to get attention. If she know that she can get under your skin, then she'll be your worst case of poison ivy you ever had.

 

These types of people thrive on drama and calling attention to themselves and it doesn't matter if the attention is good or bad. To someone like her, all attention is good.

[Thicke2013]

Just curious but what does the "banter" consist of that you keep mentioning? Is it of a sexual nature? That aside, I think there is a possibility here that you are being too jealous and over reacting, but the main issue here for me is that when you are in a committed relationship you take steps to ensure your SO that you are not accepting advances from others. Your BF doesn't seem to be doing that. Now, is he doing that because you are being unreasonable? There is a part of me that thinks that is a possibility only because you stated a couple of times that your mutual friends keep saying the same thing. Ask your BF if he would be comfortable with the roles being reversed.

[ComingInHot]

If you are in a relationship and a person of the opposite sex is 'bantering' inappropriately with your significant other and you have made said SO aware of the stitch and your feelings:

 

B/F should be 'put out' and irritated that she is doing things that are hurting your and the relationship. He should unfriend then block her immediately as he should be genuinely irritated with her childish and rude behavior.

 

If he actually gets 'mad' at you then there is more going on.

[mercuryshadow]

She sounds like a real class act, but I have to be straight with you: the problem is not her, it is your bf.

 

I was with a similar sounding guy for a long time (6 years). He did not respect me or our relationship and did not set proper boundaries with other women (women much like the one you have posted about.). Like you, I'd call out a girl on her inappropriate banter with my bf, and I'd be written off as "crazy" or "invasive" or something similar. My bf would also play into insulting me...he rarely defended me. He loved the attention these women gave him, and it took me too long to realize that my bf and those women were made for each other. I should have dropped him long before I finally did - he was NOT worth the heartache, anxiety and stress.