Moon_Child Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 Hello, Ive been with my boyfriend now for just over 2 months but it feels like we have been together much longer as we always spend time together. I know he loves me a lot and he does care for me a lot too and is always there for me... Theres just a lot of issues that are scaring me and im not sure what I should do. We seem to argue a lot and its mostly because I have a issue with something but it all seemed to have started when he decided he should no longer have sex... After we had sex for the 5th time he said it didnt feel right, and how he felt we would last longer as a couple without sex he also said he didnt feel a great deal during sex because of wearing a condom... Since then all my insecurities have come flying out of no where. Everytime we are out and about he seems to think women want him if a girl casually laughs or acts shy or anything he thinks its because they want him he often goes on about his past about what women have done to get his attention or to try and have sex with him and how many times hes been offered sex and how he turned them all down. He mentioned how one of his friend was unlucky cause everytime he found a new girlfriend that girl would show an interest in my boyfriend and try and get with him.... He went to see this friend yesterday and meet the new girlfriend when i commented about if he felt that she was into him he said she didnt show an interest but that was prob only because she was shy... I questioned him on this and in the end he outright said he was this way because he was vain... Its really upsetting me I know i trust him but this hurts me more then it should...He also said he would stop watching porn cause i said it upset me due to our unhealthy sex life and he promised he would but then has mentioned on several occasions he has watched it and quickly changed the subject... He also seems to have a huge interest in a pop girl band which means he feels the need to watch their live shows and videos online every day. I feel like im going out of my mind and im not sure what im doing anymore he wants us to eventually move in next year but im not sure how i can do this with all of these issues and insecurities. Its got to a point now where I dont know if im being irrational. But I feel like this is really starting to ruin our relationship I want to stop being so paranoid and insecure but im finding it impossible Please help! I feel like im going mad! Link to post Share on other sites
LoneIsland Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 Maybe he's gay, or he has some kind of condition that makes sex unattractive or unsatisfactory to him. Maybe you should encourage him to watch more porn and see what kind he likes. That could give a clue about his sexuality. But, for a 2 month old bf, it's simpler just to dump him. Maybe offer him the friend zone where you can give him the emotional connection that he needs while you find someone else who finds you sexy and into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon_Child Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 I dont think hes gay. Hes quite open about his sexuality and very comfortable with it too... Ive seen how obsessed he is with boobs and the amount of nudey mags he used to own and he seems very attracted to me and my body he often tells me how much i turn him on and I do seem to make him very horny... He just doesnt seem to want to have sex with me everything else however seems to be ok. He told me what he likes and as with the porn he says hes into different things all the time and that he goes through phrases of what turns him on be it nurses or school girls etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
LoneIsland Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 Buy yourself a school girl or nurse uniform and see if it makes a difference. If your natural state is that bland for him, then he could be getting it from another source. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon_Child Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 I dont think he is cheating on me if thats what you mean by him getting it from another source. He didnt have sex for 5yrs before he met me and we did for a short while and it stopped. I did dress up for him i usually always dress nice for him. The sexy lingerie went down well and he tells me loads how much he wants to have sex with me but we still dont. And now that hes temporarily living back at his parents its not easy Link to post Share on other sites
LoneIsland Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 Sorry to say it, but he's all words and no action. I don't see any future action for you either. If you can live like that, why not ? To a lot of women who don't need sex, he would make a dream guy. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 You are certainly not being irrational. How old are the two of you? Men like sex- a lot. Young men are so loaded with testosterone that they generally can't quite thinking about it. A young man who is in a relationship and chooses to practice abstinence, other than for religious convictions perhaps, probably has some type of psychological hangup. I assume he's wanking to the porn? Do you know how often? These notions that all women want him, and also watching the girl band every day (if it's about sexual attraction), is a bit off as well. I'd venture a guess is that he's carrying on quite the fantasy sex life between his ears and with his hand, and reality just doesn't compare favorably. If that's the case, he needs help... and you need a new boyfriend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
saz123 Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 I dont think he is cheating on me if thats what you mean by him getting it from another source. He didnt have sex for 5yrs before he met me and we did for a short while and it stopped. I did dress up for him i usually always dress nice for him. The sexy lingerie went down well and he tells me loads how much he wants to have sex with me but we still dont. And now that hes temporarily living back at his parents its not easy Sounds like how my boyfriend is sometimes. I could be wearing the nicest bra and thong and he does nothing. However when he leaves my house to go home he'll drop me a text saying "I loved your thong........" bla bla bla I won't go into detail but you get me. But he doesn't initiate sex!!!!! However what I think could be your answer is....... You initiate sex instead. You go girl honestly. My boyfriend stopped initiating sex with me because he wanted me to do it instead. Lazy or what I dunno but give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon_Child Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 We are both 28 He said to me last night that hes cut down on porn a lot since recent and now says he only watches it once or twice a week i guess. I think he does masturbate a lot more then he lets on... He always does it when im with him too if things get a little heated hes quick to whip it out and start masturbating. And as far as it goes for me making the move... Well nearly every time i see him things get a little heated but it never goes further then say the foreplay stuff. He made a point of wanting to chuck out all the condoms and when the argument got heated (when he first said no more sex) they all ended up in the bin. I told him last night that all of this has made me very insecure and that i dont feel close to him as much anymore cause ive put up my guard. He said he realised a few weeks back that he was happy to start having sex with me again but is too scared it wouldn't go down well and that id just over analyse every move... When I assured him this wouldnt be the case he just said we will find out when i get the new flat (end of year)..... Link to post Share on other sites
LoneIsland Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Well something is very strange. Maybe he's disgusted by a woman's thang. Any reason why you don't give him a hand job if he needs it done with a hand ? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Hello, Ive been with my boyfriend now for just over 2 months but it feels like we have been together much longer as we always spend time together. I know he loves me a lot and he does care for me a lot too and is always there for me... Theres just a lot of issues that are scaring me and im not sure what I should do. We seem to argue a lot and its mostly because I have a issue with something but it all seemed to have started when he decided he should no longer have sex... After we had sex for the 5th time he said it didnt feel right, and how he felt we would last longer as a couple without sex he also said he didnt feel a great deal during sex because of wearing a condom... Since then all my insecurities have come flying out of no where. Everytime we are out and about he seems to think women want him if a girl casually laughs or acts shy or anything he thinks its because they want him he often goes on about his past about what women have done to get his attention or to try and have sex with him and how many times hes been offered sex and how he turned them all down. He mentioned how one of his friend was unlucky cause everytime he found a new girlfriend that girl would show an interest in my boyfriend and try and get with him.... He went to see this friend yesterday and meet the new girlfriend when i commented about if he felt that she was into him he said she didnt show an interest but that was prob only because she was shy... I questioned him on this and in the end he outright said he was this way because he was vain... Its really upsetting me I know i trust him but this hurts me more then it should...He also said he would stop watching porn cause i said it upset me due to our unhealthy sex life and he promised he would but then has mentioned on several occasions he has watched it and quickly changed the subject... He also seems to have a huge interest in a pop girl band which means he feels the need to watch their live shows and videos online every day. I feel like im going out of my mind and im not sure what im doing anymore he wants us to eventually move in next year but im not sure how i can do this with all of these issues and insecurities. Its got to a point now where I dont know if im being irrational. But I feel like this is really starting to ruin our relationship I want to stop being so paranoid and insecure but im finding it impossible Please help! I feel like im going mad! "2 months . . . I know he loves me a lot (?) . . . really upsetting me . . . a lot of issues that are scaring me . . . all my insecurities . . . I feel like im going mad. You haven't said one positive thing in this entire post. You need to step back from all this for a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 At two months in you two should be all over each other. The fact that he no longer wants to have sex, whatever his reasons, makes you sexually incompatible. This won't get better. Get out now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon_Child Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 I guess I should have made more of an effort to put down positive things rather then just the negatives... I worry a lot and normally have been told I often only concentrate on the negatives I do suffer from anxiety. I don't want to just get out I want to try my best to make this work. We are still all over each other and we have a great time together and we have loads of fun... We just dont have sex anymore. I do use my hands and all and give him oral which works a treat but its still not the same as having sex. Im starting to feel like he just doesn't enjoy the sex as much and much prefers to masturbate and watch porn. And a part of me feels like this may be why he backed out of sex... Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) It could be the porn, or something else. The point is that this is a red flag that shouldn't be ignored. You are only two months into this relationship- this is the part where you determine if someone is compatible, and if they are not, you move on. Something's not right, and if you had invested years or had kids, it might be worth seeing a counselor and trying to resolve. But with only two months invested, it's much easier and more productive to focus your efforts elsewhere. I understand you find value in the relationship and think its worth fixing, but odds are he is not going to have an epiphany and want sex, or be more humble and realistic about other women. This is who he is, and whatever the reason, he is not willing to meet your needs or explore a physical bond with you. Having a desire to please his woman is healthy for a guy, and connecting sexually is an important way to show love and be vulnerable to each other. This part of a relationship is just too essential to sacrifice, and no matter how much you try to minimize its importance, a physical connection is often the glue that keeps couples together through the more difficult times. It's not fair to you that he just expects you to be OK with it. Two months in, my husband couldn't keep his hands off me and had a genuine desire to satisfy me sexually. This guy has no motivation to please you sexually, or to bond physically with you. While this may seem to you to be a workable problem, and a small sacrifice now- it will turn into a black cloud that rains on your entire relationship. Edited October 6, 2014 by Quiet Storm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 I don't want to just get out I want to try my best to make this work. We are still all over each other and we have a great time together and we have loads of fun... We just dont have sex anymore. I do use my hands and all and give him oral which works a treat but its still not the same as having sex. Im starting to feel like he just doesn't enjoy the sex as much and much prefers to masturbate and watch porn. And a part of me feels like this may be why he backed out of sex... Anxiety or not, what besides companionship are you getting out of this? It will not get better the longer you are together. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 First three months of dating dealbreakers : 1) He no longer wants to have sex with me. 2) He talks about other woman wanting him. 3) Porn, but us not having sex together is a big topic of conversation and I find myself pleasing him more than it being a mutual thing. Advice ? Nah, just get out... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moon_Child Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 He always tries his very best to please me in other ways sexually. I spoke to him tonight and told him how I felt. He told me that the porn was only something to help him when he wasn't with me and said he didn't want our relationship to start off with just sex sex and more sex. And it scared him to think he was in another relationship that was built on sex. And assured me we would start having sex again when we could. With him currently being homeless and sofa surfing it doesn't seem like something we can easily overcome. He's currently trying to save up enough for a deposit on a flat etc etc. We are spending the day out tomorrow so I can only hope hes taken on what ive said and how i feel about him thinking other women want him... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 If he's currently homeless, he's not in a position to date. Walk away but leave the door open for him to come back once he gets his ducks in a row. Link to post Share on other sites
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