Becoming frustrated

[NordicBlonde]

Hello everyone. I've been single and celibate for 4 months, but it feels like forever because I was in a long distance relationship.

 

Lately I'm really feeling the loneliness. My family lives far away, most of my friends are married or coupled up, and it's becoming more and more difficult to find a good man.

 

I'm not a loner. I have a very active social life and always meet lots of people everywhere I go. But it seems that a lot of people I meet are flakey, sheltered, or in established cliques? Or they don't want to go anywhere when I invite them to an event. I do have a small core group of devoted friends. But I'm really tired of seeing loving married couples, bachelorette parties, couples kissing, and PDAs when I go out. It just makes me feel lonelier and more depressed.

 

I have my moments where I really would love a hug, kiss, intimacy, someone running their fingers through my hair, rubbing my back. I miss that. I would never go down the path of one night stands or friends with benefits, as that would make me even lonelier. I've done the on-line dating thing and I go out A LOT. I feel like I have so much to offer the right guy, but I can't find him. Why is it easy for some and so difficult for others? Society is changing. I don't know what it is?

 

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the sad intro, LOL.

[Cristo]

Advice: Stop being so picky.

[NordicBlonde]

Advice: Stop being so picky.

 

Where in my post does it indicate that I'm picky?

[TouchedByViolet]

I've done the on-line dating thing and I go out A LOT. I feel like I have so much to offer the right guy, but I can't find him. Why is it easy for some and so difficult for others? Society is changing. I don't know what it is?

 

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the sad intro, LOL.

 

Well first, as much as 4 months feels bad there are people who go years, and there are people who struggle to just get dates. Count your blessings.

 

As far as advice goes, how are your dates going? Are there any patterns you have noticed? Are you just not finding mutual attraction or is it something else?

[blue_ikat]

Try speed-dating. At least the men there definitely want to go out on a date, and you'll meet a bunch of them at once.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I'm no psychologist NordicBlonde, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say that your feelings of loneliness is connected to your social life. I believe that you have an active social life because you don't like to be alone. More importantly, and I'm just guessing again, I don't really think you like to be alone with yourself. If you don't like to be alone, then perhaps there's a reason why: maybe you just don't like to be alone with yourself, or perhaps you may feel being alone forces you to feel bad about yourself...almost like you're not good enough to interact with people. So you may interact with people not necessarily because it brings enjoyment out of your life, but you interact so you won't feel like you're alone.

 

I don't want to say that's how you feel, but it can be the case for many people.

 

Being single for four months is a long time; being single even for a month may feel like a long time for some people, as well. There is no time frame where it's okay to feel "lonely" after you've been out of any kind of relationship; it's all subjective. Your mind doesn't just click on four months into being single and thinking "man, I really need a relationship right now" or "I need to get f**ked right now because I'm super horny."

 

Your brain pays attention to the things you want it to pay attention to. Loneliness is not a result of a physical circumstance (such as being single); loneliness is the result of how you perceive your circumstances. Just because you're single does NOT mean you're lonely. Just because you don't have hugs, kisses, or anything like that isn't because you need those things to not feel lonely; you feel lonely because those are the things you want. Frankly, who doesn't want those things?

 

Being alone can be a great thing; you can learn a lot about yourself when you sit down, alone, and reflect on things. However, I'm getting the impression that you've been keeping an active lifestyle because you thought it would help you from feeling lonely; you're beginning to learn that it's not. You can try to keep yourself as pre-occupied as you possibly can on a daily basis, but the mind will always try to find ways to bring your negative emotions into your life. It won't take much. You'll walk by a couple holding hands, and thoughts will start exploding in your mind until you find yourself eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream and thinking "why can't I have something like that?"

 

The question you have to ask yourself is: well, why do I feel lonely in the first place?

 

The answer is simple: you choose to. You choose how long you want to think about something, you choose to react to situations a certain way (like looking at a couple making out), etc. You choose to feel lonely.

 

The thing you have to realize, as I've mentioned, is that loneliness is not a state of mind that you get into being single; it's only a feeling, and it will last as long as you want it to.

 

I'm sure we've all been single for long periods of time before. There have been times where I've felt lonely, and that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine to want affection from someone that truly cares about you. However, when you make the rational decision to let your loneliness consume your mind, you are essentially being your own worst enemy. It's not the physical circumstances that determines how you feel; it's how you perceive them.

 

There are people out there who don't even have a good social life like you do, and yet they don't feel lonely. Why is that? Loneliness is solved from the inside-out, not the outside-in. If you learn how to be alone and how to enjoy being single, the circumstances you're dealt with won't become a problem. And if they are still a problem? You'll realize that putting yourself in environments that make you feel bad aren't helping you, so why continue to put yourself in bad situations? If, at the end of the day, you can't handle being with a group of people that you feel are about to break out into a group orgy, why put yourself in that situation? More importantly, would I even consider them a friend if they know I'm single and feeling down, yet they still continue to make out in front of me? What is this? Middle school prom? Showing affection is more than just spontaneously making out every five seconds. If someone can't keep their PDA under control around people who get triggered by it, then that's pretty dang childish. Go home, f*ck the crap out of each other, get it out of your systems, and then go out and be adults for a couple hours. If I were you and I continued seeing couples kissing that much to where it becomes a problem, I'd start slipping my pants off and masturbating to them. You may feel lonely, but nothing like a good ol' Oh-gasm won't fix right up.

 

Essentially, you need to calm the hell down. Get your pink vibrator, take some deep breathes, recognize that the only reason why you feel lonely is because you're choosing to, and just have fun. If you find someone down the road, that's great. If you don't, then buy new batteries for your vibrator and start the process all over again. Most importantly, however, if you haven't already, is that you need to learn how to be single, and how to differentiate between being alone and feeling alone.

 

For some people, it's an easy fix, like a realization that "oh...I'm not lonely. I've got people who care about me. It's just I'm horny for a relationship, and all I'm really doing is rubbing my relationship clitoris when I should should be rubbing my temple thinking "why have I been so HARD on myself for being single? I'm sorry myself, I love you." And then you respond to yourself saying "I love you too," and then you make love to yourself near an open fire, and you fall asleep with a smile on you face knowing that you're never really lonely because all you ever needed was yourself...you just never realized how important you really were in your life.

 

For other people, it might take a little bit of work; and that's okay, because it's good to learn about ourselves. You may feel like there's a deeper issue to your loneliness, but the important thing is that dealing with your problems is a lot better than running from them and as you've proved, at the end of the day...you just can't.

 

So why not take the time, as a single bodacious babe, and get your life together so you can prepare for Mr. Right?

Edited October 6, 2014 by TheyCallMeOx

[NordicBlonde]

Well first, as much as 4 months feels bad there are people who go years, and there are people who struggle to just get dates. Count your blessings.

 

As far as advice goes, how are your dates going? Are there any patterns you have noticed? Are you just not finding mutual attraction or is it something else?

 

Thanks for replying. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is? I wish someone could follow me around for a day and point out what I'm doing wrong. I'm polite and kind to everybody. If someone is being rude or offensive, I just walk away. By the way, I can't imagine going years without affection. I'm a very "touchy-feely" and physically and emotionally affectionate person. I'm only going on 4 months a feel like I'm starving for physical touch.

 

A brief summary of the past 4 months:

 

On-line dating didn't get me any dates. I got a lot of compliments and men wanting to text, exchange pics, snapchat, and IG for weeks and never meet. I still have guys texting me from months ago who haven't wanted to meet in person. I haven't had any dates yet.

 

I meet men everywhere because of work, my side biz, and my charity events and fundraising.

 

I met a guy on Meetup. I gave him my number and he texted me that he wanted to meet for dinner, he chose the restaurant and date, then he disappeared.

 

I met a guy at a fundraiser. He and his friends followed me around for hours. He looked at me and said, "I'd love to meet a girl to share a bottle of wine with" and that was it. He left with his friends.

 

I met a guy at a masquerade party who was laser focused on me for 4 hours, followed me everywhere, wanted to introduce me to his family, said we had a lot in common, asked for my number, and disappeared.

 

I met a guy at a friend's dinner party who was flirting, staring, asked for my number, and disappeared.

 

I meet men everywhere and get a lot of compliments and flirting, but I want a relationship (physical and emotional). I don't know if I'm meeting flakey men, men who aren't ready for a relationship, or if I'm not reading signals? I don't know?

[TouchedByViolet]

Thanks for replying. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is? I wish someone could follow me around for a day and point out what I'm doing wrong. I'm polite and kind to everybody. If someone is being rude or offensive, I just walk away. By the way, I can't imagine going years without affection. I'm a very "touchy-feely" and physically and emotionally affectionate person. I'm only going on 4 months a feel like I'm starving for physical touch.

 

A brief summary of the past 4 months:

 

On-line dating didn't get me any dates. I got a lot of compliments and men wanting to text, exchange pics, snapchat, and IG for weeks and never meet. I still have guys texting me from months ago who haven't wanted to meet in person. I haven't had any dates yet.

 

I meet men everywhere because of work, my side biz, and my charity events and fundraising.

 

I met a guy on Meetup. I gave him my number and he texted me that he wanted to meet for dinner, he chose the restaurant and date, then he disappeared.

 

I met a guy at a fundraiser. He and his friends followed me around for hours. He looked at me and said, "I'd love to meet a girl to share a bottle of wine with" and that was it. He left with his friends.

 

I met a guy at a masquerade party who was laser focused on me for 4 hours, followed me everywhere, wanted to introduce me to his family, said we had a lot in common, asked for my number, and disappeared.

 

I met a guy at a friend's dinner party who was flirting, staring, asked for my number, and disappeared.

 

I meet men everywhere and get a lot of compliments and flirting, but I want a relationship (physical and emotional). I don't know if I'm meeting flakey men, men who aren't ready for a relationship, or if I'm not reading signals? I don't know?

 

Disappearing sucks a lot. Still I wouldn't necessarily place the blame on your shoulders. Maybe ask some of your friends who know you well and will be 100% honest what they think. If men are flaking you probably just haven't met the right guy. Sometimes it takes time to meet someone relationship oriented and compatible.

 

For online dating I do find the endless conversations a waste of time. Maybe just bring up a coffee date or something and see what they say. My understanding is women get online dates easily so your struggle there is odd. Is there anything in particular about you physically or baggage wise that might turn men off?

[NordicBlonde]

Disappearing sucks a lot. Still I wouldn't necessarily place the blame on your shoulders. Maybe ask some of your friends who know you well and will be 100% honest what they think. If men are flaking you probably just haven't met the right guy. Sometimes it takes time to meet someone relationship oriented and compatible.

 

For online dating I do find the endless conversations a waste of time. Maybe just bring up a coffee date or something and see what they say. My understanding is women get online dates easily so your struggle there is odd. Is there anything in particular about you physically or baggage wise that might turn men off?

 

Lots of guys are sexually attracted, but it's hard to find guys who want more than that.

 

I've asked my girlfriends about on-line dating and they have the same problems. They tell me the guys they talk to just want to hook up, and disappear.

 

I've asked my guys friends what they think and they can't find anything wrong. My guy friends are so sweet though and probably wouldn't tell me even if they knew. It's frustrating.

 

Physically, emotionally, financially no baggage.

 

I've heard everything from "You're too available" to "You're too intimidating and not available enough," to "You're out of my league." :/

 

I don't do on-line dating anymore cause I want to meet a guy in person who loves my look and presence. I feel like I have so much love to give, emotionally and physically, and wish I could meet a guy who wants the same thing.

 

I'm not a loner. I love affection. I miss having someone to cuddle with, kisses, hugs, a warm hand on the small of my back, strong arms holding me, holding hands, cuddling, the deep voice whispering in my ear, even the snoring and sharp stubble kisses, LOL I'm just feeling it a lot lately. 4 months is too long for me.

[Gloria25]

I agree with TheycallmeOx...

 

Perhaps you being a "social" type is why not having someone is hard on you...

 

Actually, my mom asked me the other day 'how I stay here by myself'...and, I told her the truth - which is, at first there's an adjustment period when she first leaves, but then I get into "my" routine.

 

Maybe you're still sore cuz it's only been four months since you last were with someone...Try to stay busy and literally "get/have a life"

 

Someone in your life should "complement" your life, not "supplement" your life. In other words - you should be happy with yourself and your life regardless if you have someone in it - cuz how can you make someone happy if you were never happy on your own?

 

And yea, dating sucks, I mean, lots of jerk-offs out there and yup it's gonna take a while for you to meet a good guy...just stay strong and keep on looking.

[soccerguy1978]

Hello everyone. I've been single and celibate for 4 months, but it feels like forever because I was in a long distance relationship.

 

Lately I'm really feeling the loneliness. My family lives far away, most of my friends are married or coupled up, and it's becoming more and more difficult to find a good man.

 

I'm not a loner. I have a very active social life and always meet lots of people everywhere I go. But it seems that a lot of people I meet are flakey, sheltered, or in established cliques? Or they don't want to go anywhere when I invite them to an event. I do have a small core group of devoted friends. But I'm really tired of seeing loving married couples, bachelorette parties, couples kissing, and PDAs when I go out. It just makes me feel lonelier and more depressed.

 

I have my moments where I really would love a hug, kiss, intimacy, someone running their fingers through my hair, rubbing my back. I miss that. I would never go down the path of one night stands or friends with benefits, as that would make me even lonelier. I've done the on-line dating thing and I go out A LOT. I feel like I have so much to offer the right guy, but I can't find him. Why is it easy for some and so difficult for others? Society is changing. I don't know what it is?

 

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the sad intro, LOL.

 

not much advice because I'm pretty much in the same boat. But I will give you sympathy and lots of it.

I hope you find the right kind of guy for you

[NordicBlonde]

Thnks everyone for the feed back!

 

I forgot to mention that I met a group of women a couple of weeks ago. They really liked me and one of them wanted to set me up wth her coworker. So she asked me to text her my picture which I did. Then she replied that her coworker said I was beautiful but he's been seeing some girl off and on and he doesn't know where it's going, but he might want to meet me someday.

 

Doesn't this sound suspicious? Like maybe he didn't like my pic and made up a lame excuse?

 

I guess it's difficult for all of us? People are flaaaaaakey! LOL

 

I have more questions I guess I will just make another thread.

[NordicBlonde]

I'm no psychologist NordicBlonde, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say that your feelings of loneliness is connected to your social life. I believe that you have an active social life because you don't like to be alone. More importantly, and I'm just guessing again, I don't really think you like to be alone with yourself. If you don't like to be alone, then perhaps there's a reason why: maybe you just don't like to be alone with yourself, or perhaps you may feel being alone forces you to feel bad about yourself...almost like you're not good enough to interact with people. So you may interact with people not necessarily because it brings enjoyment out of your life, but you interact so you won't feel like you're alone.

 

I don't want to say that's how you feel, but it can be the case for many people.

 

Being single for four months is a long time; being single even for a month may feel like a long time for some people, as well. There is no time frame where it's okay to feel "lonely" after you've been out of any kind of relationship; it's all subjective. Your mind doesn't just click on four months into being single and thinking "man, I really need a relationship right now" or "I need to get f**ked right now because I'm super horny."

 

Your brain pays attention to the things you want it to pay attention to. Loneliness is not a result of a physical circumstance (such as being single); loneliness is the result of how you perceive your circumstances. Just because you're single does NOT mean you're lonely. Just because you don't have hugs, kisses, or anything like that isn't because you need those things to not feel lonely; you feel lonely because those are the things you want. Frankly, who doesn't want those things?

 

Being alone can be a great thing; you can learn a lot about yourself when you sit down, alone, and reflect on things. However, I'm getting the impression that you've been keeping an active lifestyle because you thought it would help you from feeling lonely; you're beginning to learn that it's not. You can try to keep yourself as pre-occupied as you possibly can on a daily basis, but the mind will always try to find ways to bring your negative emotions into your life. It won't take much. You'll walk by a couple holding hands, and thoughts will start exploding in your mind until you find yourself eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream and thinking "why can't I have something like that?"

 

The question you have to ask yourself is: well, why do I feel lonely in the first place?

 

The answer is simple: you choose to. You choose how long you want to think about something, you choose to react to situations a certain way (like looking at a couple making out), etc. You choose to feel lonely.

 

The thing you have to realize, as I've mentioned, is that loneliness is not a state of mind that you get into being single; it's only a feeling, and it will last as long as you want it to.

 

I'm sure we've all been single for long periods of time before. There have been times where I've felt lonely, and that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly fine to want affection from someone that truly cares about you. However, when you make the rational decision to let your loneliness consume your mind, you are essentially being your own worst enemy. It's not the physical circumstances that determines how you feel; it's how you perceive them.

 

There are people out there who don't even have a good social life like you do, and yet they don't feel lonely. Why is that? Loneliness is solved from the inside-out, not the outside-in. If you learn how to be alone and how to enjoy being single, the circumstances you're dealt with won't become a problem. And if they are still a problem? You'll realize that putting yourself in environments that make you feel bad aren't helping you, so why continue to put yourself in bad situations? If, at the end of the day, you can't handle being with a group of people that you feel are about to break out into a group orgy, why put yourself in that situation? More importantly, would I even consider them a friend if they know I'm single and feeling down, yet they still continue to make out in front of me? What is this? Middle school prom? Showing affection is more than just spontaneously making out every five seconds. If someone can't keep their PDA under control around people who get triggered by it, then that's pretty dang childish. Go home, f*ck the crap out of each other, get it out of your systems, and then go out and be adults for a couple hours. If I were you and I continued seeing couples kissing that much to where it becomes a problem, I'd start slipping my pants off and masturbating to them. You may feel lonely, but nothing like a good ol' Oh-gasm won't fix right up.

 

Essentially, you need to calm the hell down. Get your pink vibrator, take some deep breathes, recognize that the only reason why you feel lonely is because you're choosing to, and just have fun. If you find someone down the road, that's great. If you don't, then buy new batteries for your vibrator and start the process all over again. Most importantly, however, if you haven't already, is that you need to learn how to be single, and how to differentiate between being alone and feeling alone.

 

For some people, it's an easy fix, like a realization that "oh...I'm not lonely. I've got people who care about me. It's just I'm horny for a relationship, and all I'm really doing is rubbing my relationship clitoris when I should should be rubbing my temple thinking "why have I been so HARD on myself for being single? I'm sorry myself, I love you." And then you respond to yourself saying "I love you too," and then you make love to yourself near an open fire, and you fall asleep with a smile on you face knowing that you're never really lonely because all you ever needed was yourself...you just never realized how important you really were in your life.

 

For other people, it might take a little bit of work; and that's okay, because it's good to learn about ourselves. You may feel like there's a deeper issue to your loneliness, but the important thing is that dealing with your problems is a lot better than running from them and as you've proved, at the end of the day...you just can't.

 

So why not take the time, as a single bodacious babe, and get your life together so you can prepare for Mr. Right?

 

Yes, this is a great post. Very enlightening.

 

I always believed that there are loners, and people who are outgoing and love connections (whether it's family, friends, lovers). I guess I have to somehow rewire my brain?

 

I do have my life together, that's the frustrating part. I was lucky to have all the stars align and have everything I need and want. But the space beside me where a good man should be is currently a black hole.

[preraph]

Well, for what it's worth a brand-new study confirms that loving a dog gets you the same endorphin and oxytocin highs as people. Yeah, it's different but they're so much more loyal and easy to get along with. But don't get one unless you have a back yard or it's not fun for them and a chore for you. When I was young I used to crave to have a dog to cuddle with more than I craved having a man to cuddle with, but I wouldn't get one because I was too unsettled and gone all the time. They can really alleviate that cuddle urge, though, if you get a nice sleepy one and not a perky crazy one.

[TheyCallMeOx]

Yes, this is a great post. Very enlightening.

 

I always believed that there are loners, and people who are outgoing and love connections (whether it's family, friends, lovers). I guess I have to somehow rewire my brain?

 

I do have my life together, that's the frustrating part. I was lucky to have all the stars align and have everything I need and want. But the space beside me where a good man should be is currently a black hole.

 

Just because someone is a loner, doesn't mean they aren't outgoing or love connection. In fact, loners can value connections more than the "outgoing" people do. Loners typically have very few friends; however, those friendships are more strong as compared to the outgoing people who may have a large group of friends and a less amount of those "strong" friendships.

 

I wasn't saying that you should rewire your brain to become a loner. What I AM saying is that you shouldn't use your social group as a coping method because it's not really dealing with your loneliness...it's suppressing it. Suppression is not a healthy thing to do for any circumstances.

 

Having a partner is like putting on make-up. Make-up doesn't make you beautiful; make-up accentuates your beauty. I've seen plenty of women with make-up on who don't look that great; it's not because they aren't beautiful, but it's because they're applying make-up to the wrong spots.

 

Having a partner is no different. There is no black hole. You are a complete/whole person with or without someone in your life. There is no void to fill. As romantic as it sounds, it's just not realistic. It's nice to think like that, but it makes breakups 10x as worse as they have to be because once this person convinces us that they make us complete, we'll feel like we're no longer whole anymore. Like we lost a piece of ourselves. It's rather depressing stuff. As such, when we believe we still have black holes, we're obviously going to feel impatient because you said...I've got everything BUT a man. It's almost like all the things you've accomplished and have in your life doesn't even matter. You may feel like everything you have can only be appreciated by someone else, and that's not true. Just because a Ferrari has a dent on the hood doesn't mean it's not a Ferrari anymore just because it's perfect except for that little dent on the hood. Yeah, it's nice to have a relationship and things like that, but is it really essential? Only if you want it to be. It's just like the whole deal with money. Can money buy happiness? Sure it can; only if you enjoy buying new things all the time.

 

You want a relationship, but can it wait? Of course you can. You can wait as long as you want, but if you shift your focus on the things you can obtain, you won't be looking so hard and getting impatient that Mr. Right hasn't came along. Impatience leads to desperation, and desperation can lead to bad choices. If you want to do it the right way, you gotta be patient. If you feel like you've spent plenty of time being patient, then you need to stop making friends, and start pursuing dudes.