Accepting the person or putting up with too much

[WhatIsLove2014]

With another thread going on, it has made me wonder. How can you tell the difference between 1.) accepting the person as they are or 2.) putting up with any and everything just because you want to be with that person?

 

Is it based on how the person treats you?

 

I hear people talk about if you care for/love someone then you accept them as they are but can the line get blurry?

[Arieswoman]

Whatislove2014,

You have posed a difficult question because there isn't one answer that will suit everyone. Lines only get blurry if you let them.

I think you have to decide (before you even start dating) what your standards will be.

What will be non-negotiable and what will be preferences?

 

When I was single and dating my non-negotiables were ;-

 

1. No dependent children

2. Must be emotionally and legally available.

3. Not in any kind of substance abuse or addictive behaviour

4. Must be reliable - ie; calls when he says he's going to.

5. Must be in employment.

6. Must like pets.

7. Must be articulate and not moody/sulky secretive.

8. Solvent.

9, No anger management issues.

 

My preferences were

 

1. Vegetarian ethic.

2. University educated

3. Own own home.

 

There were more but this should give you an idea....

[WhatIsLove2014]

I get what you mean but I mean more personality and actions wise.

 

I know some people like to be texted a lot and when a guy doesn't text them, they don't know if he isn't showing interest or if he just doesn't like texting.

 

Or a guy isn't affectionate but they don't know if they can accept that because it's not a big deal or accept it just because they really like the guy.

[Tayken]

I hear people talk about if you care for/love someone then you accept them as they are but can the line get blurry?

 

You might hear people say this, but you have to look at the people saying it. A drug user will always condone the using of drugs, and a liar will always think certain types of lies are acceptable.

 

As a man, a dad, brother, uncle etc...there is no way I'll advice someone who tells me that they are being beaten / cheated upon/ abused by their spouse to stay with them.

 

The comment might be applicable to a small group of things, but it should be used carte blanche'. Typical example...I can't stand clutter, I really can't. Now if I meet someone who ticks most of my other requirements, I can at least fix the clutter issue by picking up after them.

 

Now I can't do that with an abuser, drug user, liar, cheat and self centered person.

[d0nnivain]

Accepting the person as they are means you are OK with them & the differences they bring to the table but putting up with something (or as you said is anything & everything) focuses on your core values.

 

For example: I like Pepsi but DH drinks coke. That's acceptance.

 

We agree on the fundamentals of life philosophy & things like spending money . . . the true non negotiables

[BluEyeL]

I get what you mean but I mean more personality and actions wise.

 

I know some people like to be texted a lot and when a guy doesn't text them, they don't know if he isn't showing interest or if he just doesn't like texting.

 

Or a guy isn't affectionate but they don't know if they can accept that because it's not a big deal or accept it just because they really like the guy.

I am able to accept people how they are in regards to these things. I resolved that what I will look at is ONLY character and accept that people will not do everything the way I would do it and let the little things go.

 

How often they text, if they call or not, when they kiss me first, how fast they move etc. I have other standards that are set in stone: are they asking me out at the end of the date or the day after and am I going on dates with them at least once a week? Are they escalating the relationship later on, ask to see me more often, make things official, introduce me to family and friends, try to make me happy to the best of their abilities? Then all is good, and other little things don't really matter. But if I seem to be an afterthought, they don't see me constantly, don't advance the relationship, make me uncomfortable in some way, then is a no go. I still let them be who they are, but I just don't stay around to get more of that.

 

It's better to let people be who they are and not try to force them into someone you want them to be. It never works and puts unnecessary pressure on relationships. You either accept what they offer, or you don't. But asking for change? It never works.

[MissBee]

With another thread going on, it has made me wonder. How can you tell the difference between 1.) accepting the person as they are or 2.) putting up with any and everything just because you want to be with that person?

 

Is it based on how the person treats you?

 

I hear people talk about if you care for/love someone then you accept them as they are but can the line get blurry?

 

I think people muddy it all the time and usually it's when you don't have your own strong sense of self and self love where you find people willing to put up with any and everything in the name of "acceptance." They think they are being noble martyrs but in reality they don't love and respect themselves enough to have standards and to put their foot down about how they will be treated.

 

Accepting someone doesn't mean accepting destructive aspects about them, particularly aspects which harm you or are sabotaging the relationship. It also doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them.

 

It is more so talking about acknowledging that person's humanity and respecting them IMO, and even allowing them to choose their own way and not trying to change them to how we want them to be. You can't change people so you have to accept them in the sense that you give up that control to make them be who you want. But it doesn't mean you have to be with them at all cost and can have no standards for yourself and what you want and must be in a relationship with anyone on the basis of acceptance. I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I accept him for who he is but realized who he is is NOT a match for me and what I need and want and I accept I cannot change him, and he is free to be who he is, but I love myself enough to be able to respect him as a person and let him go so that I can find someone with whom I'm more on par.

[me85]

Yes the line can definitely get blurred.

 

When you love someone you accept them for who they are. And you tend to put up with crap you normally wouldn't and probably shouldn't have to. It's tremendously hard choosing between what you want and what you know is really better for you and what you need your life.

 

It's hard to tell whether you're just putting up with stuff or accepting the person for who they are. I think it's one in the same.

[writergal]

With another thread going on, it has made me wonder. How can you tell the difference between 1.) accepting the person as they are or 2.) putting up with any and everything just because you want to be with that person?

 

Is it based on how the person treats you?

 

I hear people talk about if you care for/love someone then you accept them as they are but can the line get blurry?

 

There is no single right or wrong answer to your question WIL. It's all based on personal preference.

 

I think it's easy to blur the lines between accepting your partner for who they are, and putting up with everything about them. Of course when you love someone, you'll compromise a little bit. That's to be expected. Each person has their own definition for what they consider acceptable/not acceptable traits or habits in their significant other.

 

I also don't think it's realistic to assume that you'd put up with anything and everything just because you want to be in a relationship with the person.

 

For instance, I wouldn't date or be in a relationship with a man who has ongoing money problems, or a history of substance abuse or drug addiction, or who is sexually aggressive with women. Those are my dating/relationship standards.

 

Everyone has their own dating/relationship standards, to help them find compatible partners. Once you decide what your own dating standards are, that will help you weed out men who don't meet those standards (which makes them incompatible with you as a result).