Pursuing my coworker, plus lots of other things

[Illuminate]

So, I've been spending a lot of time with a girl from my company. We're actually not "coworkers" since we work in different departments (she's a chemist, and I"m an engineer), and none of our work influences the other's work. We really only see each other in the hallway or in the lunchroom. I consider this a very good thing since there are tons of risks with dating someone who you actually work with and the potential conflicts of interest with your own job that can come from this.

 

I've thought she was really cute for a long time, and I finally found a way to break the ice with her when our office formed a marathon running team, and we both joined it. So it started with us talking a lot about running, but that slowly developed into an actual friendship between us. I started asking her if she wanted to hang out outside of work, and she kept saying yes, and eventually I got to meet her friends and her sister and I actually get along really well with all of them (in my opinion).

 

I had some cold feet at the start for a few reasons. First of all, she's got a really bubbly, happy, cute personality that's really easy to love, and although I don't think she realizes it, a lot of her coworkers seem to fall all over her and vie for her attention as much as possible. The reason this trips me up is because I've never been an aggressive or competitive person, so if there ever were a "contest" for someone, I think I'd assume I would lose to that Type-A six foot tall million dollar smile devastatingly handsome a-hole who always gets what he wants, whoever that might be. And second, we still work at the same company, and we still see each other during the day. If she's having a bad day, I feel compelled to walk into her lab and console her or something, but I take my job and my career seriously and I hate having to worry about girl issues when I'm working. I have chosen to stay completely focused on work while at work, and I worry that this would be threatened by actually dating her.

 

Anyway, long story short, things between us have progressed enough to a point where I feel like I am 100% ready to turn this into something more than a friendship. At first I made a few advances, and she was kind of okay with that, but she told me later that she "doesn't like to be touched". And she also eventually told me that a man in her past "abused" her. No idea how or any specifics related to it (I'm obviously not going to pry at this stage), and she admitted that she knows she's unfair about touching because she'll willingly make contact with others, but she doesn't like others making contact with her without her permission.

 

Also, after learning this stuff, we went to a concert together which was a lot of fun, and she had a really fun time. I finally just asked her at the end of the evening how she felt about us, whether she thought this could be more than just a friendship. And she basically said "I like you, you just have to go slow with me." And she meant it as if any man that would want to become her boyfriend would have to go slow, not just me specifically.

 

And I think I understand why she's like this. As bubbly and outgoing as her personality is, she actually hates big social get-togethers and actually kind of savors alone time. The only people she hangs out with these days are her female roommate and her gay male friend, whom she has been friends with for many years, going back to high school I think (she is now 27. I'm 29, BTW), and her sister. Obviously all these connections are strictly platonic, in the relationship sense. She even blew off her group of coworkers at their bonding / drinking event, partially because she had some work she needed to get done, but also because I think she just didn't want to go out with them (she hardly ever drinks, by the way). She keeps a very tight-knit group of friends, and so I can imagine that if she's going to let a new person into her life, it would take a lot of effort for her to allow it, and ESPECIALLY a guy who she might consider dating considering this history of abuse by a man.

 

I guess I'm not really sure what to do next. There are a few things I am sure of...one is that I am willing to do whatever it takes, and wait as long as it takes, to make this work with her. I don't care about her baggage or any of that; I really like this girl and I want to make it work, and I don't care if I have to wait a long time. Because this has been going on for a couple months, and conventional dating wisdom would say things like try one or two dates and if it doesn't work or move anywhere, then move on with your life, play by these really specific rules, blah blah blah. She's not really at all conventional, and neither am I, nor do I want to be. But it's hard because most of my time spent with her outside of work is usually with her friends. She's pretty low energy and likes to spend time at home I think, so my time with her is usually with these two friends of hers at her place, watching movies and chatting and what not. But she does say yes to going out and doing things between just the two of us. She even agreed to go swing dancing with me, and she hates dancing!

 

And just a quick side note, I think I worry about some of our differences in personality, mainly that she is excessively chatty, whereas I consider myself more of a quiet conversationalist, the kind who would prefer to listen. I don't consider myself "shy" anymore, but I'm just not as talkative as others because I choose to listen more often than I choose to talk. I just worry about this because her two close friends are also quite chatty and so is her sister, and so I feel slightly out of place. It can be hard to get a word in edge-wise with her group of friends, lol. But I prefer having a chatty girlfriend as it takes the burden off me to talk I just don't know if she would prefer a quiet guy who listens vs. someone more like her really chatty friends. She does tell me about people in her life who "won't shut up", which makes me think she doesn't default to thinking that chatty people are her ideal match.

 

I want to be respectful, I don't want to push her, and I don't want to be impatient. Because I'm not the least bit impatient...I've honestly never really liked dating and have spent at least 95% of my "dating" career (the time before you have actually established a real relationship and no longer have to follow the stupid dating rules) being extremely terrified and worried and have rarely been on a date that I completely and thoroughly enjoyed without any sort of terror in my head. I'm not the least bit eager to go back to that, which is why I'm willing to wait as long as it takes to make something work out with this girl since I'm a good portion of the way there already.

 

So what do I do? Hope that eventually, she just takes that next step and says "ok, now you can be my boyfriend"? I tried taking that step and she said that she basically wasn't really ready for it yet. And I don't really THINK it's her trying to blow me off...my read on the situation is that she really means what she said. But at the same time, it really drives me nuts. Because I know exactly what I want from us (at least right now), but I've been stripped of all of my powers because of her life situation. I did try to push and make progress and I was told to be patient, so what do I do now?

Edited October 6, 2014 by Illuminate

[preraph]

You're already making excuses for her. There's nothing wrong with her socially. She has a close group of friends and they go do things. That makes her normal socially, so you cannot delude yourself by telling yourself that she's somehow so socially stunted that this makes her asexual toward you. So forget about that. She has no problem getting in deep with people.

 

If she had past abuse, then yes that can be a real problem, and since she brought it up, you need to ask her how much therapy she's had to resolve the issue and find out if she's even planning on dealing with it or not. Generally, the type of abuse that would make a woman not want to be touched wouldn't be like domestic abuse of an ex but more like childhood sexual abuse or rape as an adult.

 

I think you have to just take what she said very seriously "I don't like to be touched." I think you have the right to ask her if she's ever had a boyfriend she felt good about having sex with. If the answer is no, you need to move on unless you can handle being just friends. If she says yes she has had a boyfriend or boyfriends after whenever the abuse was and was able to have sex and trust him, then ask her if she thinks she can trust you that way with time and just point-blank ask her if you're her "type," code for "do you find me attractive enough to f." Good luck.