Why the wait

[Chrissy1961]

I don't have anger towards his children. I have a dislike of what 2 of the 4 stand for..... Spoilt brats. I have an anger towards my now fiancée because instead of everyone being equally important his kids are primary and I may as well be in a closet. I shouldn't have to reconcile living with a man's bad parenting skills anymore than I should be subjected to it.

 

The birthday celebration.... I am not unhappy with his decent eldest daughter arranging a party at 24 hours notice. She invited me and as I said I appreciated it. My beef was not with her, it was with him for not even having the guts to ring or text me to discuss it. He left it to his daughter to tell me and didn't even ask if I minded. Had he mentioned it I would have gone along with the change. I thought in a partnership decisions and plans are discussed. He couldn't, even if he wanted to, say no to his daughter or not do what she wants yet he can change plans with me without even a "hope it's okay". His daughter was attempting to spoil him, I think that's wonderful, but when am I consulted in anything? So wrong and not respectful.

 

I agree that saying I love you can be normal for many families, I did say that in my comments before. You have to see this man in action to understand the depth of his insecurities and how it is said. Every single text message has kisses on the end. A conversation of 20 messages each has xxx on the end of each. Every conversation is "sweetie", "blossom". Every time I'm bought flowers his daughter (the jealous one) is bought flowers. His efforts are not to affirm his love in case he departs this world unexpectedly. They are because he is looking for validation of their love for him.

 

When we got engaged I told my sons within days, he took a month to tell his kids and then it was because they would see the ring on my finger. He was terrified they would feel jealous. Why? I'm not stealing their father. As far as blending families.... Our kids haven't even met. I'd like them to but nope he's scared they will feel threatened.

 

I don't believe our relationship is a priority over his kids. We share his life equally. I just don't have any wish to be shoved in a closet every time he feels insecure and has to validate their love and reassure them that whatever they want they can have.

 

Yes we have different parenting skills. It's easy seen who excels in these areas. My kids call me regularly and visit every couple of days, I give them nothing monetarily, I don't tread glass worrying about them being jealous. My kids are adjusted and loving boys through correct parenting, just a shame that others whinge and complain and feel insecure through their own failings and I have had to cop the fallout.

[Chrissy1961]

This man is not capable of sustaining a solid relationship let alone marriage. Hence his last wife leaving him because of his attitude to his kids. Sweet and all as he is he has huge deficits. I thought I might get some help in how to work around all the problems. I have realized that I deserve far better than he can offer, all women do. I don't cling to my children, I have a life as do they, and my children are a product of a once happy marriage and strong parenting skills. Hopefully one day they can again be included in any future marriage I may go into, feel blended with other step children and not be hidden or see their mother pushed to the side and treated like a threat. End of engagement.

[georgia girl]

Chrissy,

 

 

Your last post explains so much. I have to agree with you - and I didn't before. If he can't establish healthy boundaries with his children, then every relationship he's in is going to fail. Buying his daughter flowers when he bought you flowers because she'd be jealous? That's actually setting up an unrealistic expectation with the daughter.

 

 

Good luck in your future. It sounds like your sons are wonderful supports to you. Enjoy them and eventually, you will meet the right man.

 

 

Hugs, GG