Very Complicated

[PeppermintBarker]

OK here goes. I need advice.

 

Married for 9+ years, separated for the past 3. Wife moved out - tried many times to work it out and it just never does. Almost 2 years ago I ran into a girl at a friends birthday party. I know her b/f from ages ago but we aren't friends. I had know her for a year or so and had a thing for her (marriage was already bad). We hit it off at the birthday party and she tells me she's unhappy with the b/f she lives with (she's a divorcee). I message her and we begin an emotional affair.

 

It's wonderful of course and 6 months later have an opportunity to get physical. I chose not to because I was uncertain she wanted to, she was living with her b/f, and I wanted to give it one last try with my wife. We keep in contact. In the meantime, the OW starts interacting with my wife because of mutual friends. She has access to lots of information about me and my relationship with my wife.

 

6 months later things with my wife are failing again. I start to talk to the OW more. She proposes we get together to makeout to see if there's anything there. I agree. Fireworks happen and the affair become physical for a few months. Somehow my wife suspects, even though we aren't together and totally loses it - accusing me of all kinds of things with no proof. I deny it to keep the OW from getting in trouble. I also back off from the affair so things can cool down.

 

All this time, several months, the OW is looking for an apt to move out. She balks at all of the apts she sees and now the house they rent is being sold. Out of the blue her bf says he's buying a house for them to live in but wants her help with downpayment. Mind you he's never asked her to marry him. Speaking to her recently, I said buying a house together they may as well be getting married. She's mortified and feels bullied into it. They close on the house very soon.

 

I told her it's her last chance to get out before she's attached to him financially. She's confused and upset. She knows I'd like to be with her but says I'm married - which I am. I'm planning to be divorced early next year and she knows this. I care about her a lot, we get along great, had fantastic sex, etc etc. However, I know she is weak and will settle for less because it's the path of least resistance.

 

I initially told her I would not talk to her anymore if she moved in with him again but backed off of that once we talked more. The last thing I told her is that I don't want her to cheat and that I want her to feel good about any relationship we have. If she's available and I'm available then let's try it - but said if she stays, I wish her the best. He's a very typical bad b/f - video games, porn addict, sports addict, jerk etc. He's 36, she's 31. I'm 39 and my wife is 34.

 

Oh also, my wife on more than one occasion has expressed jealousy over this girl. I've told her she can't tell me who I can and can't date and that's caused fights and makes her think something is going on - which it was. However, no one is the wiser. Our secret is safe - she won't tell and I won't. My wife is also dating someone now.

 

The advice I need is - do I cut off all contact? Do you I talk to her occasionally? Mind you, I'm am absolutely crazy about this girl and she feels the same about me. What are the chances of things working out? Am I totally nuts? Any feedback is much appreciated. Sorry for the long convoluted story but it really is a mess. Socially we've all been in the same room on several occasions with only she and I knowing that we were secretly having an affair. If you've made it this far, thank you very much.

Edited October 7, 2014 by PeppermintBarker
Paragraphs - Make it easier to read.

[Lurkeraspect]

Say what?

 

You're married, though not living with your wife for three years? She has a bf? This story is confusing to me.

 

Look... you cannot offer her anything and she knows it. You're married. If your marriage is over, then finalize it, be done. Not much for you to be confused over. End your marriage, then date. I don't understand your confusion.

[darocksin2]

Hello PeppermintBarker, your situation does seem to be a little complicated; I think a marriage counselor might be the best person to help you re-evaluate your options. Praying for you!

 

Rb

[bathtub-row]

3 years and you still haven't filed for divorce? What are you waiting for, an invitation? lol. I'm not sure I understand this one, either. You're killing your chances with anyone with this marriage thing. Look, you're fooling around, your wife is dating -- why not just cut out the cancer and move on?

 

As far as the OW, I don't get good vibes about this. She had the perfect opportunity to break up with her bf and didn't take it. Him convincing her to put up money for a down payment on a house tells me that she's nowhere close to leaving him. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe once he closes on the house, she'll leave him. But why let herself be bullied like that? It sounds like she'll continue to stay with him for awhile. If I were you, I'd disappear if she does that. You will only make things worse by continuing to see her.

 

Maybe by the time you get your divorce, she will have left her loser boyfriend. You never know...

 

Please keep us posted.

[veryhappy]

Three years separated and not filing for divorce means you are unavailable. There was no chance for her to persue with you, as you are more unavailable than her. So she went for the safe thing with the bad bf.

 

Divorce the dysfunction because next happy cycle you'll have kids given your wife's age and that will keep you longer.

 

Its not complicated at all. You fooled around while married. You are not committed to anything and like to have options. Yes, cut contact with this woman and do whatever you want with your life.

[Got it]

Cleaning up your house first.

 

But look at her behaviors and really assess the conflict avoiding aspect. Is this what you want in a partner? Someone who will settle because it is easier?

 

But she has you over a barrel since you really can't talk if you yourself aren't single. Ha! Double negatives!