"If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you"?

[kidinfo1]

Do you guys find this to be a true saying?

 

I'm interested in outside opinions / people who have been through this before.

[Woggle]

This should be 101 with both men and women. It should be obvious to anybody with some sense.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

It depends why they cheated. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. Did they do it because they were depressed about a death in the family? Were they incredibly drunk or otherwise intoxicated? Were they planning to soon break up with their S/O anyway and already mentally saw themselves as single? Most importantly, how much time passed between when the person cheated and when they ended their original relationship? A day? A week? Did they end it at all?

 

If their reasons for cheating were simple things like "I was unhappy" or "I was bored" then, yes, I would think they're a serial cheater. If the person is cheating with you but not ending their current relationship, and they have no plans to do so, then they may well do the same thing to you too.

[Priv]

It depends why they cheated. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. Did they do it because they were depressed about a death in the family? Were they incredibly drunk or otherwise intoxicated? Were they planning to soon break up with their S/O anyway and already mentally saw themselves as single? Most importantly, how much time passed between when the person cheated and when they ended their original relationship? A day? A week? Did they end it at all?

 

If their reasons for cheating were simple things like "I was unhappy" or "I was bored" then, yes, I would think they're a serial cheater. If the person is cheating with you but not ending their current relationship, and they have no plans to do so, then they may well do the same thing to you too.

 

I believe the reasons you mention fall in the trouble category (though that might have been your intention );

 

 

Did they do it because they were depressed about a death in the family? You are fine till your SO has a rough time, than you should worry.

 

 

Were they incredibly drunk or otherwise intoxicated? You are fine till your SO has a boys/girls night out. Than you are in trouble.

 

 

Were they planning to soon break up with their S/O anyway and already mentally saw themselves as single? I believe this falls into the "I was unhappy" or "I was bored" category.

[Diezel]

It depends why they cheated. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. Did they do it because they were depressed about a death in the family? Were they incredibly drunk or otherwise intoxicated? Were they planning to soon break up with their S/O anyway and already mentally saw themselves as single? Most importantly, how much time passed between when the person cheated and when they ended their original relationship? A day? A week? Did they end it at all?

 

Sorry but this is hogwash.

 

If you cheated once, the seeds have been planted for future repeats. All of those "reasons" are just shifts of accountability.

 

I would never take a person willing to cheat on their partner seriously, AT ALL.

 

Because then you'd never know if they are going to do it again, and they could just as easily do it to you. If a person cheated on their SO with me because they were depressed about a death in the family... that's just too much to deal with.

 

Simple: If a person cheats on them with you, and more than once, you can always expect this behavior.

[No Limit]

If they cheat shortly before getting out of an abusive relationship; no, you're relatively safe she or he won't cheat. But every other scenario; yeah, most likely. And if the cheater doesn't cheat again, it's often the one they cheated with.

 

Getting to people with cheating habits isn't a good place to be. Better stay away from them.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I once dated a guy who went to a college reunion where he ended up kissing an old flame (well, she kissed him and he didn't exactly resist). When he came home two days later he broke up with me. I wasn't devastated and if I was a future girlfriend of his I wouldn't consider it a deal-breaker either.

 

I agree that cheating is always wrong. I have never cheated on anyone. But I do think the circumstances around it (or any other negative act) are very important. And no, doing something once is not always an indicator of future behavior; I smoked pot a couple times in college and haven't touched it since and never will.

 

The motivation behind an act can be more important than the act itself. If a married male friend invited me over with the intent of seducing me and nothing happened, isn't that just as much of a violation of trust? I would certainly be just as angry whether or not he did it.

 

I'm not at all condoning cheating, just saying I don't judge in absolutes.

[Chi townD]

More often then not it's true for both men and women. About only 7-14% of relationships that start from infidelity actually make it for the long haul. The foundation of their relationship is built on the pain of others.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Cheaters can certainly change their way,

however its proven they often are unable.

If you take a chance with one some day,

be sure to be careful and prepare for a relationship unstable.

[NJ123]

It depends why they cheated. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone who cheats is a serial cheater. Did they do it because they were depressed about a death in the family? Were they incredibly drunk or otherwise intoxicated? Were they planning to soon break up with their S/O anyway and already mentally saw themselves as single? Most importantly, how much time passed between when the person cheated and when they ended their original relationship? A day? A week? Did they end it at all?

 

If their reasons for cheating were simple things like "I was unhappy" or "I was bored" then, yes, I would think they're a serial cheater. If the person is cheating with you but not ending their current relationship, and they have no plans to do so, then they may well do the same thing to you too.

 

lol seriously? why are you trying to justify that being drunk makes you get a pass. If they got drunk & had sex with someone once, what makes you think the same thing won't happen again with someone else? Dating people who enjoy drinking is bad news. And if that same person has the mentality of "oh I'm just going to break up with them anyway" they'll have that same mindset in every single relationship & cheat on them all. Break up with them first before sleeping wth someone else.

[me85]

Yes, I believe this to be 100% true.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

lol seriously? why are you trying to justify that being drunk makes you get a pass. If they got drunk & had sex with someone once, what makes you think the same thing won't happen again with someone else? Dating people who enjoy drinking is bad news. And if that same person has the mentality of "oh I'm just going to break up with them anyway" they'll have that same mindset in every single relationship & cheat on them all. Break up with them first before sleeping wth someone else.

 

Uhh, did you miss the part where I explicitly stated I was not condoning cheating? By no means am I trying to justify it. All I'm saying is that the circumstances around the act are the best predictor of future behavior. Just because someone has done X is not in and of itself evidence that they will do it again. The statistic about relationships born out of infidelity is meaningless because it doesn't tell us how many of those relationships ended with another affair.

 

Sorry, but I hate blanket statements like this because they assume a binary that doesn't exist. Most dating truisms are B.S. The only one I know that's actually valid is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

[d0nnivain]

It's something to think about.

 

This is the way some folks break up with someone. They find a new relationship & wait until the old/current person finds out about the cheating & dumps them.

[NJ123]

Uhh, did you miss the part where I explicitly stated I was not condoning cheating? By no means am I trying to justify it. All I'm saying is that the circumstances around the act are the best predictor of future behavior. Just because someone has done X is not in and of itself evidence that they will do it again. The statistic about relationships born out of infidelity is meaningless because it doesn't tell us how many of those relationships ended with another affair.

 

Sorry, but I hate blanket statements like this because they assume a binary that doesn't exist. Most dating truisms are B.S. The only one I know that's actually valid is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

 

But what makes you think someone who gets horribly drunk & cheats wouldn't do it again in a future relationship? That would tell me that person can't control their drinking & would probably do it again in the future. Or when they plan on breaking up but sleep with someone else before ending it. What makes you think in that same situation 2 years down the line with someone else they wouldn't do the same exact thing? Even if they plan on breaking up it's still cheating if their still officially together.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

But what makes you think someone who gets horribly drunk & cheats wouldn't do it again in a future relationship? That would tell me that person can't control their drinking & would probably do it again in the future. Or when they plan on breaking up but sleep with someone else before ending it. What makes you think in that same situation 2 years down the line with someone else they wouldn't do the same exact thing? Even if they plan on breaking up it's still cheating if their still officially together.

 

I work in the criminal justice system and a big part of my job is determining whether or not people will commit crime again (recidivism). There are many factors that go into this determination, but let's look at a few, using cheating as an example.

 

1) Age: how old was he when he did it? We recognize that young people's brains aren't fully developed; that's why we have a separate justice system for juveniles. Cheating when older is generally a bigger problem than cheating as a teenager.

 

2) Circumstances: will they happen again? Let's say two married guys got blackout drunk at a party and slept with a random lady. Guy A still goes to parties and still gets blackout drunk on a regular basis. Guy B doesn't party anymore, has a 3-drink limit wherever he goes, and never goes to bars without his wife. Who do you think is more likely to cheat again?

 

3) Remorse: do they regret it, and how have they tried to move past it? Guy A feels kind of bad about cheating on his wife but doesn't do anything about it. Guy B admitted what he did was wrong, went into couples counseling with his wife and has monthly personal therapy for his guilt.

 

4) Time and frequency: how long ago and how often was it? Guy A cheated on his wife six times, the last being one year ago, while Guy B cheated on his wife one time twenty years ago. Do we still think Guy A and Guy B are equally likely to cheat again?

 

Those are just a few parameters that help you evaluate a person's conduct. Look, cheating is always wrong. You should never, ever cheat. But to suggest that all cheaters are serial cheaters or should be judged the same way is also wrong. One deed doesn't magically transform you into a different person. It's all about what led you to it, how you reacted to it, and how you've lived your life since.

[ComingInHot]

So, the kicker is, the spouses that cheat and don't get caught will do it again. So justice system or not. Many times the "will they do it again" question, depends on if and when they get caught.

same with, as you would know, shoplifting, physical abuse and drugs. The sooner the individual gets busted the better chance they have have learning to not do it again.

Thing with cheating, it can take a long time to get caught with having that partner who enables the spouses cheating and lies to continue in not getting caught.

I know you already know that though and I am not trying to be condescending, just letting you know I get the system like you do too*

[Diezel]

Most dating truisms are B.S. The only one I know that's actually valid is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

 

You're contradicting yourself.

 

If someone shows you that they are a cheater, believe them.

Which is what this thread is about.

 

There is no "it depends".

By that measure, if someone robs my house, shouldn't I believe everytime that I see him, that he will again?

 

If some woman cheats on her husband with me, there is NO way I'd ever take her seriously. Why would I want to subject myself to that?

[NJ123]

I work in the criminal justice system and a big part of my job is determining whether or not people will commit crime again (recidivism). There are many factors that go into this determination, but let's look at a few, using cheating as an example.

 

1) Age: how old was he when he did it? We recognize that young people's brains aren't fully developed; that's why we have a separate justice system for juveniles. Cheating when older is generally a bigger problem than cheating as a teenager.

 

2) Circumstances: will they happen again? Let's say two married guys got blackout drunk at a party and slept with a random lady. Guy A still goes to parties and still gets blackout drunk on a regular basis. Guy B doesn't party anymore, has a 3-drink limit wherever he goes, and never goes to bars without his wife. Who do you think is more likely to cheat again?

 

3) Remorse: do they regret it, and how have they tried to move past it? Guy A feels kind of bad about cheating on his wife but doesn't do anything about it. Guy B admitted what he did was wrong, went into couples counseling with his wife and has monthly personal therapy for his guilt.

 

4) Time and frequency: how long ago and how often was it? Guy A cheated on his wife six times, the last being one year ago, while Guy B cheated on his wife one time twenty years ago. Do we still think Guy A and Guy B are equally likely to cheat again?

 

Those are just a few parameters that help you evaluate a person's conduct. Look, cheating is always wrong. You should never, ever cheat. But to suggest that all cheaters are serial cheaters or should be judged the same way is also wrong. One deed doesn't magically transform you into a different person. It's all about what led you to it, how you reacted to it, and how you've lived your life since.

 

But if you cheat once regardless of circumstances there's a really high risk of it happening again. Of course there's plenty of people who only cheat once than never again, but I'm willing to bet there's more that keep cheating than don't. Personally though would you want to be in a relationship with someone who cheated on their former partner? To me if they did it to someone else they could do it to you as well. Why risk being with someone like that?

[MissBee]

Do you guys find this to be a true saying?

 

I'm interested in outside opinions / people who have been through this before.

 

I think it depends on the circumstances surrounding the cheating, that person's own opinion of cheating, and whether or not they have learned anything from it.

 

Not every person is a serial cheater who just cheats all the time with any and all people. But some people have loose boundaries or a type of mental configuration in which they constantly need validation from others sexually and emotionally so cheat and sometimes do so serially. So I'd say if she cheated with you and also cheated with other people before you, there is a higher chance that this is some type of chronic flaw where this person either sees nothing wrong with cheating so continuously does it, is in need of constant validation from others sexually and emotionally or has no clue how to end a relationship before starting another so constantly overlaps partners. Ask them their opinions on their cheating behavior...their answer will tell a lot. An answer like "I dunno" or "It just happened" and things like that spell trouble to me, as it seems this person is not very reflective and has little insight into their own behavior and if that's the case they'll likely cheat again.

 

However, some people may have cheated one time, say because they planned to leave the relationship anyway or for whatever reason made a bad choice. It doesn't mean they are now destined to cheat all the time. It's about why they did it and whether or not they have gained any insights and have any desire to no longer do it. You also have to talk to them and find out. Someone who shows remorse, can articulate why they did it, how it wasn't the best choice etc. is more likely to really understand themselves and may be better equipped to avoid cheating in the future.

 

Cheating itself isn't a gateway drug to more and more cheating. It's more so about why you cheated and your mentality and thoughts about it which will determine if this is some chronic problem for you or if it was a one off thing or something you have moved on from. I wouldn't not date a man because he cheated before...my questions would be geared toward finding out why, how it happened and what he learned. THOSE answers for me are what I'd use to determine if he is the kind of guy who has no remorse, sees cheating as no big deal, has loose boundaries etc vs. a guy who did something stupid and learned.

Edited October 7, 2014 by MissBee

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You're contradicting yourself.

 

If someone shows you that they are a cheater, believe them.

Which is what this thread is about.

 

There is no "it depends".

By that measure, if someone robs my house, shouldn't I believe everytime that I see him, that he will again?

 

If some woman cheats on her husband with me, there is NO way I'd ever take her seriously. Why would I want to subject myself to that?

 

No, that's not a contradiction. If someone robs my house, I have established history that they are a robber. Whether or not I believe that they will do it again depends on how they did it and why. If someone shows me that they have genuine remorse and regret over something they did, and they've taken steps to ensure it never happens again, then I believe them when they say it won't happen again.

 

For Christ's sake, I'm not telling people to cheat or that everyone should have a cheating spouse. If someone having cheated ever is a horrible deal-breaker to you then don't date people who have cheated. I have never dated someone who has cheated in the past. I don't think I would, either, but I'm not going to hate a guy because he kissed another girl at the prom while he was in high school. I'm just saying that "because he cheated once, he'll necessarily cheat again" is not logically sound.

Edited October 7, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

So, the kicker is, the spouses that cheat and don't get caught will do it again. So justice system or not. Many times the "will they do it again" question, depends on if and when they get caught.

same with, as you would know, shoplifting, physical abuse and drugs. The sooner the individual gets busted the better chance they have have learning to not do it again.

Thing with cheating, it can take a long time to get caught with having that partner who enables the spouses cheating and lies to continue in not getting caught.

I know you already know that though and I am not trying to be condescending, just letting you know I get the system like you do too*

 

Honestly, I wasn't actually factoring in the "getting caught" aspect of it. Being caught (= consequences) is reason enough for many people not to misbehave again, but I just meant the deed itself. I think for some people, the guilt of having cheated---regardless of whether or not anyone finds out---is enough to prevent them from ever doing it again. But for those who aren't caught and don't feel remorse, they're unlikely to stop.

[Woggle]

I think it's best to be on the safe side when getting into relationships. If I am going to devote that much energy and time into somebody I want somebody with a proven record of being trustworthy. Maybe if they cheated years ago and showed genuine remorse then fine but if she will cheat on her man with you then you are nuts to trust her. It's like investing your money with Bernie Madoff and thinking maybe he won't rip you off like the other people.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I feel that cheating is very much like Humpty Dumpty,

Where he falls and break and becomes very stumpy,

Sure he got glued back together again,

But let's face it, the cracks will always be on his skin!

[Spectre]

To be honest..I think it is so very naive to think you can trust a cheater, even if the person they cheat with is you. First of all: look at how that relationship starts. You have one person who is beginning it via cheating and the other person who begins it via knowingly getting with someone who is taken. That more or less makes both people trashy. So, you might think "well, then they are a perfect match!" but not so, not so at all. When a relationship starts off tainted it is doomed.

 

If this person can cheat once they can absolutely do it again. Does it 100% mean they will? No, since it is true people change. On the other hand..people who say "people can change" often do not realize how incredibly rare *true* change is in this world. Though either way this shows they have the capacity to cheat. Some people would rather tear their own arm off then cheat, wouldn't you want someone like that?

 

If they cheat shortly before getting out of an abusive relationship; no, you're relatively safe she or he won't cheat.

 

I have to say I really do disagree. See, I see what you are saying and on paper it makes sense. After all, people will often ask a cheater why they could not just end the relationship first. The implication here being that, since the relationship is abusive, this person could not end the relationship for fear of their safety.

 

Like I said, on paper? That makes sense. But if you think about it..it doesn't. Since, really think about it: if you are so afraid of this person that you feel they would harm you if you left..well, by that logic you should also be too afraid to cheat on this person..out of fear of what they would do if they ever found out. So, if you have enough courage to cheat you should have enough to just walk away. So I don't know..I think your example still overall shows a person with a tendency to cheat.

[Spectre]

I don't think I would, either, but I'm not going to hate a guy because he kissed another girl at the prom while he was in high school. I'm just saying that "because he cheated once, he'll necessarily cheat again" is not logically sound.

 

Some of this is bizarre. First, nobody is talking about hating anyone. People are talking about if you can trust someone who cheated with you on their significant other. Nobody said you should have hatred, merely that these people should just be avoided when it comes to dating. Which to me is just smart and common sense.

 

Second, I can't help but notice that to prove your "point" you chose the most utterly tame example of cheating possible. I also notice your example did not pertain to a guy cheating on his gf with YOU.

 

Finally, you are right in that saying someone is 100% guaranteed to cheat again is not logically sound. I don't think anyone could be 100% sure, but what they are saying is someone who cheated once definitely has it in them to cheat again. It would be logically unsound to NOT think there was a more then miniscule chance it could happen again. There is a fundamental lack of respect for relationships by someone who cheats. I suppose when dating anyone there is a chance they will cheat, but for me I'd say why would you want to date someone whose chances of betrayal are higher then normal?

Edited October 8, 2014 by Spectre