"If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you"?

[Priv]

I work in the criminal justice system and a big part of my job is determining whether or not people will commit crime again (recidivism). There are many factors that go into this determination, but let's look at a few, using cheating as an example.

 

1) Age: how old was he when he did it? We recognize that young people's brains aren't fully developed; that's why we have a separate justice system for juveniles. Cheating when older is generally a bigger problem than cheating as a teenager.

 

2) Circumstances: will they happen again? Let's say two married guys got blackout drunk at a party and slept with a random lady. Guy A still goes to parties and still gets blackout drunk on a regular basis. Guy B doesn't party anymore, has a 3-drink limit wherever he goes, and never goes to bars without his wife. Who do you think is more likely to cheat again?

 

3) Remorse: do they regret it, and how have they tried to move past it? Guy A feels kind of bad about cheating on his wife but doesn't do anything about it. Guy B admitted what he did was wrong, went into couples counseling with his wife and has monthly personal therapy for his guilt.

 

4) Time and frequency: how long ago and how often was it? Guy A cheated on his wife six times, the last being one year ago, while Guy B cheated on his wife one time twenty years ago. Do we still think Guy A and Guy B are equally likely to cheat again?

 

Those are just a few parameters that help you evaluate a person's conduct. Look, cheating is always wrong. You should never, ever cheat. But to suggest that all cheaters are serial cheaters or should be judged the same way is also wrong. One deed doesn't magically transform you into a different person. It's all about what led you to it, how you reacted to it, and how you've lived your life since.

 

Doing a lazy checkup on research on infidelity via wiki this is what I found:

 

 

Causes[edit]

 

In terms of gender differences in explanations as to why individuals partake in infidelity, studies have reported that men are more likely to engage in extramarital sex if they are unsatisfied sexually, while women are more likely to engage in sex if they are unsatisfied emotionally (Sheppard, Nelso, & Andreoli-Mathie, 1995). Kimmel and Van Der Veen (1974) found that sexual satisfaction may be more important to husbands and that wives are more concerned with compatibility with their partners (Sheppard et al.,1995). Studies suggest that individuals who can separate concepts of sex and love are more likely to accept situations where infidelity occurs (Sheppard et al., 1995).[ One study done by Roscoe, Cavanaugh, & Kennedy (1988) found that women indicated relationship dissatisfaction as the number one reason for infidelity, whereas men reported a lack of communication, understanding, and sexual incompatibility. Glass & Wright (1992) also found that men and women who are involved in both sexual and emotional infidelities reported being the most dissatisfied in their relationships than those who engaged in either sexual or emotional infidelity alone. In general, marital dissatisfaction overall is the number one reason often reported for infidelity for both sexes (Sheppard et al., 1995 It is important to note that there are many other factors that increase the likelihood of anyone engaging in infidelity. Individuals exhibiting sexually permissive attitudes and those who have had a high number of past sexual relationships are also more likely to engage in infidelity (Feldman & Cauffman, 1999). Other factors such as being well educated, living in an urban centre, being less religious, having a liberal ideology and values, having more opportunities to meet potential partners, and being older affected the likelihood of one being involved in an extramarital affair (Blow & Hartnett, 2005).

[Priv]

Infidelity - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

New post as I couldn't get rid of the small font.

 

 

It seems to me that contributing factors regarding infidelity are the opposite of criminals/recidivists. Being of older age, well educated, and having a social circle mostly.

[Priv]

Taking these factors into consideration I would say you are pretty safe with a cheater until relationship dissatisfaction occurs. As every relationship hits a rough spot there is a chance on or both parties cheat. However, those who have already cheated have already exhibited sexually permissive attitudes and have had a high number of past sexual relationships are also more likely to engage in infidelity (+1 but I am not going into the numbers thing ). Thing is, you already know they are quite capable of cheating.

 

 

But it is unlikely anyway you will ever hear that your current SO has cheated or not. Most I speak to have been cheated on in the past, yet I hardly hear about anyone having cheated. Curious

[changchewsoon]

I could only share from my own experience, whereby my ex girlfriend first cheated on me, then double cheated on the guy she cheated on with, of course without both of us knowing until I discovered few weeks later.

 

Needless to say, I chose to drop her and the other guy texting me that she wanted to keep her. So I thought ah well, he can have her

 

And yes, throughout the 2 years that I've been dating her, I've only heard of her telling me stories how her exes mistreated her or cheated on her, which I later discovered it wasn't entirely true.

 

So there you go.

[LoneIsland]

Women looking to jump ship will cheat. If your love boat doesn't do it for her, she will have the skill and experience to hop onto another one.

[Spectre]

I would not try to learn all you can about adultery from a wiki. People do what they do for a myriad of reasons, but in the end cheating usually comes down to selfishness. You feel that you deserve to be able to have a relationship and someone that loves you, etc. but you also feel you deserve to get a little something on the side if you want. Whether that something on the side is a one night stand or long term affair doesn't matter, even an unplanned one night stand is still you feeling..deep down, you have the right to just grab any attractive person if you get horny.

[Justaguy30]

Sort of off topic but I keep seeing women say I cheated on him because he was abusive. My ex said that about me and I wasn't abusive I just accused her of cheating a lot and it turned out she was. If someone is abusive leave the relationship don't cheat. In any event it really depends on the situation. I have personally cheated on a woman but I was much younger and as an adult I would never do it. I think that if you wind up in a relationship with someone that was cheating on someone else with you then yes they will do the same thing to you. Its a cycle. Some people don't view sex as anything special and actually just think of it as private parts touching which I think is really sick. Cheaters will often never admit to their new partners that they have ever cheated.

[Raena]

How do you know if someone has cheated in the past? Unless the ex comes along and tells you the truth about why their relationship ended then you really just don't know and even then, there are people who still wouldn't believe it.

 

You don't often hear people saying "Ah yes, I've cheated to end every relationship I've ever been in" but you will hear people say they've been cheated ON. It's because cheaters would never willingly admit that they've screwed up in the past. Why? Because most people are smart enough to stay away from someone who has cheated simply because it's a risk to be with that person... fear that they'll do the same to you.

 

Yet for some reason, when someone cheats to be with the OW/OM, the OW/OM is well aware that the person is capable of cheating but yet still insist that "it'll never happen to me".

 

I do believe that people who have had loose boundaries in the past could very likely continue that behavior unless they have done something to change it.

 

This is why it is very important to really get to know a person very well before becoming intimate or serious with them. I find that people who are quick to jump into relationships and drop the "love bomb" early on are more likely to jump ship just as fast in whatever way suits them best.

 

I got sucked into this world where I tried to believe a lying cheat who swore up and down he'd never do it again. Later on, I've found out that this is what this particular person has done his entire life. Now THAT'S a serial cheater. So the lesson I've learned the hard way is.... once a cheater, always a cheater. It's better to believe that's true rather than risk having it happen to me again.

[Friskyone4u]

This is such a complex issue that there is no answer at all that can be applied in general. That is why the MC business is such a booming business now. JUst my opinion, but the thing that all cheaters have in common is the inability to resist temptation that is there for everyone at some point for just about everyone, and the inability to stay away from situations where infidelity is most likely to happen.

As a guy, to me there is a big difference between a wife who in a calculating manner registers for Ashley Madison and plans affairs versus a one time weak moment on a business trip or at a club. Both poor decisions with a bad result but not exactly the same in my opinion. Not excusing the latter, which can be just as devastating.

Serial or repeat cheating is more likely if

(1) someone gets away with it and partner never finds out. They are more likely to do it again

(2) if BS shows no consequences to wayward. Rug sweeping will almost always increase the chances of it occurring again. When you hear"just get over it", with no real explanantione or real truth, you can count on it happening again.

Bottom line is the person who figures out how to totally accurately predict is someone will do it again under any circumstances will be a very rich person.

There are just too many variables involved to predict.

[Davey L]

I'm always suspicious of generalisations. But my wife was married when I met her. Initially claimed to be divorced but on second date said she wasn't yet divorced but gave impression that divorce was underway. It was not until years later I learn the full truth that she was actually living with husband AND had a boyfriend too. And yes, she cheated on me too.

[Clockwork]

I'm always suspicious of generalisations. But my wife was married when I met her. Initially claimed to be divorced but on second date said she wasn't yet divorced but gave impression that divorce was underway. It was not until years later I learn the full truth that she was actually living with husband AND had a boyfriend too. And yes, she cheated on me too.

 

Geez man, talk about a relationship started on a mountain of lies. Hopefully things worked out for you with this woman.

[Clockwork]

This is the way I look at it. Girls, this applies to you, but the opposite role.

 

 

Men, don't ever, ever, ever, go after another man's wife. Ever. I don't care if she is telling you how horrible it is to be with him, guess what, she's still with him. She hasn't left. You do NOT want to be the guy that got in the way of the possibility of salvaging a marriage. If the woman wanted to be gone, she'd be gone. But she isn't, she is testing the waters. Don't be that guy.

 

 

If she's separated and has filed divorce papers or if the paperwork is done, then okay. But until then, no, not a good idea. She'd have her own apartment if she meant it.

[Justanaverageguy]

I'm always suspicious of generalisations. But my wife was married when I met her. Initially claimed to be divorced but on second date said she wasn't yet divorced but gave impression that divorce was underway. It was not until years later I learn the full truth that she was actually living with husband AND had a boyfriend too. And yes, she cheated on me too.

 

Sounds suspiciously like my scenario. When I got together with my ex wife I did not know she was with someone else. She concealed that information and her previous partner traveled a lot so it wasn't hard for her to appear single. This went on for a month or two - then when she finally told me it was the usual story. That he was a horrible boyfriend, an alcoholic, abusive etc. That they were already broken up, and didn't sleep in the same rooms .... just lived together while they figure out what was happening with the house etc. Blah blah blah .... all lies but its amazing what you will believe once you put the love goggles on.

 

As with the others ... what goes around comes around and this year I was the one on the receiving end.What I found with my ex is not only did she repetitively cheat .... she cheated in the exact same way. Literally she has a formula which she simply seemed to put into action when she gets to a certain stage of a relationship and gets bored. She used facebook to conceal her relationship to potential cheating partners and specifically went after guys from work at work functions. Thats how we first got together . I caught her out with 2 guys from work and the stories of how she cheated were a carbon copies.

 

As I had seen her work from the other side of the fence I picked up pretty quickly and busted her within a few weeks of her starting to cheat on me. I did a pretty thorough check and I'm fairly certain she had not done this in the past while we were together. It was like something triggered in her brain after a certain length of time in a relationship. Approx same length relationship as she had with her previous ex before she cheated on him (with me).

 

You can say that you can't be absolutely certain that if a person cheats once they will cheat again. But you can say this:

 

The best predictor of a persons future behavior is their past behavior. If a person has cheated on a partner previously - the odds are exponentially higher they will do it again in the future. Life throws challenges at you and a lot of relationships go through the same cycles ... if they did it once the odds are given similar circumstances they will do it again.

 

I consider my experience a very harsh life lesson. Learnt a hell of a lot about judging peoples character ... and judging people on facts not the stories or excuses they give you. Also learnt that my intuition is almost always right.

[Justanaverageguy]

This is the way I look at it. Girls, this applies to you, but the opposite role.

 

 

Men, don't ever, ever, ever, go after another man's wife. Ever. I don't care if she is telling you how horrible it is to be with him, guess what, she's still with him. She hasn't left. You do NOT want to be the guy that got in the way of the possibility of salvaging a marriage. If the woman wanted to be gone, she'd be gone. But she isn't, she is testing the waters. Don't be that guy.

 

 

If she's separated and has filed divorce papers or if the paperwork is done, then okay. But until then, no, not a good idea. She'd have her own apartment if she meant it.

 

Problem is most guys don't go in looking for a relationship and maybe don't do a great deal of homework on a girl before having sex with them. Maybe its just a hot girl at a bar or a cute girl at work who smiled at them. They aren't thinking relationship, is she a good honest decent person I want to settle down with .... they are thinking oh yeah I am going to bang that hot girl who is making eyes at me. Maybe they know she is taken ... maybe they don't.

 

What inevitably happens is they get pulled into the attraction vortex and and lose sight of the fact she is cheating whore who wants to have sex with you in the same bed she sleeps with her husband. They start heading for a relationship ... and completely ignore all the red flags. Once the attraction hooks are in ... people act, behave and justify things in a completely illogical way.

 

Spoken from someone who has been through that little merry go round.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Second, I can't help but notice that to prove your "point" you chose the most utterly tame example of cheating possible. I also notice your example did not pertain to a guy cheating on his gf with YOU.

 

That is because I don't have any actual experience with someone cheating on me. I'm just saying if I was another girl and I heard about that, I wouldn't necessarily avoid him because of it. I completely agree with you that it makes sense to avoid people who have cheated in the past.

 

As far as the other part goes, the situation that brought me to this site was a dear friend of mine with a girlfriend. Their relationship was rocky and I felt he was flirting with me, which I thought was weird; we had a conversation about it. We realized we both had strong feelings for each other but that it would be wrong to meet again until he formally ended his current relationship. He broke up with her and we are now dating. Regardless of how it happens, cheating on someone is absolutely wrong. I'm just saying I don't think that everyone who's cheated is the same and that someone may not cheat again depending on why they cheated on the first place.

 

I suppose when dating anyone there is a chance they will cheat, but for me I'd say why would you want to date someone whose chances of betrayal are higher then normal?

 

This interests me. The whole idea behind this thread is "you know they've done it before, so there's a higher chance that they'll do it again", but is there really? It seems like there's no way to know what percentage of cheaters cheat again and how you can tell if someone is likely to cheat or not. I don't think there have been any studies done on the topic and I doubt you could find people who would answer honestly. You'd think that someone who'd never cheated in 35+ years wouldn't cheat at all, but the statistics cited above suggest that most cheaters are older, so how do you really know?

 

I naturally avoid people with a history of cheating because, like you, I instinctively feel that they're more likely to do it again. But I also recognize there's no way to prove that, it isn't a fact, and that my feeling is based on an emotional rather than rational response. It's strange.

[Clockwork]

Problem is most guys don't go in looking for a relationship and maybe don't do a great deal of homework on a girl before having sex with them. Maybe its just a hot girl at a bar or a cute girl at work who smiled at them. They aren't thinking relationship, is she a good honest decent person I want to settle down with .... they are thinking oh yeah I am going to bang that hot girl who is making eyes at me. Maybe they know she is taken ... maybe they don't.

 

What inevitably happens is they get pulled into the attraction vortex and and lose sight of the fact she is cheating whore who wants to have sex with you in the same bed she sleeps with her husband. They start heading for a relationship ... and completely ignore all the red flags. Once the attraction hooks are in ... people act, behave and justify things in a completely illogical way.

 

Spoken from someone who has been through that little merry go round.

 

Oh I get it, and I don't fault a guy who doesn't know the girl is taken or married. It isn't his fault. But it is if he keeps going after he knows. No matter how hard it is to resist the temptation don't do it. It likely won't end well. You don't want to be a homewrecker and the reason a couple was never able to reconcile.

 

 

Do a lot of masturbating if you have to.

 

 

I've been in this situation. I was a single, young guy. There was this girl I worked with in a terrible marriage. Very unhappy. She told me. Well, we got talking and she poured her heart out to me. I listened. Then I realized there were feelings on each end of the spectrum. It wasn't said openly at that point but it didn't need to be.

 

 

So a bunch of us from work went out one night, afterwards she personally dropped me off at my car in the parking lot. We were sitting in her car and she was going off again about how unhappy she was. But how she didn't believe in divorce. The conversation started to get hot and heavy. She told me she wishes she wasn't married when she met me. I told her I felt that way too and we both said we were attracted to each other. But she said she'd never cheat on her husband and be the one to make the first move..................then a long awkward pause where she was waiting for me to make that first move, right in that car.

 

 

I was as horny as a toad. I wanted her but I had met her husband and met her kid. I felt I was going against the guy code then. So I got up and left and while we were still friends with each other at work, I made sure to never get in a position again where I could make out with her. And I masturbated a lot.

 

 

To this day I don't regret it. She wasn't my wife, she wasn't my woman and she wasn't the mother of my son.

[giblesp]

Do you guys find this to be a true saying?

 

I'm interested in outside opinions / people who have been through this before.

 

Yes definitely. Been there. If she's cheating with you, she's a cheater and will cheat again.

[Absinthe]

People are often honest about what they're like. I was once (briefly) seeing a guy who told me upfront he got a thrill out of cheating on his girlfriends. Of course I was never going to take him seriously after that - there are ways to get your kicks that don't involve hurting others!

 

Some people view this as a challenge - even one of my friends said to me, "you could be the one to tame him, you know." I say enough of that noise! It's not worth the heartache or any of your precious time to hang around and see if you'll be the exception to the rule.

 

But I see it, time and time again, people rising to the challenge, and seeing it as some kind of Shakespearean love tragedy...when in reality, it's a group of chumps scrabbling for the "prize" of the cheating scumbag.

[Spectre]

That is because I don't have any actual experience with someone cheating on me. I'm just saying if I was another girl and I heard about that, I wouldn't necessarily avoid him because of it. I completely agree with you that it makes sense to avoid people who have cheated in the past.

 

As far as the other part goes, the situation that brought me to this site was a dear friend of mine with a girlfriend. Their relationship was rocky and I felt he was flirting with me, which I thought was weird; we had a conversation about it. We realized we both had strong feelings for each other but that it would be wrong to meet again until he formally ended his current relationship. He broke up with her and we are now dating. Regardless of how it happens, cheating on someone is absolutely wrong. I'm just saying I don't think that everyone who's cheated is the same and that someone may not cheat again depending on why they cheated on the first place.

 

 

 

This interests me. The whole idea behind this thread is "you know they've done it before, so there's a higher chance that they'll do it again", but is there really? It seems like there's no way to know what percentage of cheaters cheat again and how you can tell if someone is likely to cheat or not. I don't think there have been any studies done on the topic and I doubt you could find people who would answer honestly. You'd think that someone who'd never cheated in 35+ years wouldn't cheat at all, but the statistics cited above suggest that most cheaters are older, so how do you really know?

 

I naturally avoid people with a history of cheating because, like you, I instinctively feel that they're more likely to do it again. But I also recognize there's no way to prove that, it isn't a fact, and that my feeling is based on an emotional rather than rational response. It's strange.

 

I think that there truly IS a higher chance they will cheat again if they have cheated in the past. Especially if they got away with cheating. Since just because they told you they cheated in the past..doesn't mean the person they cheated on knows. So they might feel a sense of "I did it once I can get away with it again".

 

I mean, there is a line you draw. It can be brutally hard to cross that line, but once you do? You might find that next time you want to cross it..it is not as difficult as it used to be. If someone, the first time, doesn't shut down these cheating instincts and deal with..whatever problem is causing them to cheat..then chances are they might fail to shut down those instincts again in the future.

 

I don't think we even need statistics, we know history has a tendency to repeat itself. We know certain behaviors in the past can predict how one will behave in the present.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Spectre

[Redheaded Mistress]

Do you guys find this to be a true saying?

 

I'm interested in outside opinions / people who have been through this before.

 

I don't think it's the case. Sure, I think a habitual cheater who's made you their most recent conquest/cheating partner will be prone to do to you what they did with you... But somebody who cheated once? Not necessarily.

 

I had an affair on my first husband and I never, ever thought I'd be the type of person who'd do so. Same with my affair partner. We both ultimately ended up divorcing our spouses and marrying each other. Neither one of us ever, ever, ever will cheat again. There's a level of commitment that exists between us that didn't in our first marriages, and that connection that kind of led us to cheating is the reason we wouldn't cheat on each other now.

 

And if we remove that argument (because I know somebody will say "what will you do when you have that connection with somebody else?" and I'll say "We won't," then they'll say "How do you know?" and on it goes), our affair had nightmarish consequences. It was hard on both of us, our now exes, his children, it'd be hard for our children... Neither one of us ever, ever, ever, ever want to go through that again, ever. Having been there, done that, knowing how miserable it is and knowing how badly we don't want to do that to each other, it means we are both absolutely sure that our affair was a one-time, unique, never happening again situation. For sure. We have no desire to be entrapped in that kind of misery ever again, or to see either one of us go through that pain again. Ever.