vik1990 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Hi, I've had a bad relationship with my dad all my life. He has been abusive, dictatorial and ill-tempered towards me. Since my teenage years, I've been very angry towards him but just kept it to myself. I thought I'm dependent on him, and that when I have my freedom I'll finally be happy. I recently moved to USA and since I'm looking for work, I'm living with my relatives for the time being, who have been very supportive obviously. But I have a situation... Relationship of my family with these relatives runs deep and has history. My uncle and cousins are awesome. But my aunt and her mother has a bad relationship with my dad. They constantly bad-mouth my homeland and pass snide remarks about my father. This makes me incensed internally, but obviously I can't talk back because I'm living in their house. The fact is that there are things about my homeland that I don't like either. My dad is a dick, I know it and I'm probably the person who has suffered the most because of it. Stuff that my aunt and her mother say is mostly the truth, but I don't know why, it really hurts me when I hear it. Please help me sort my emotions out. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Honestly, your Dad's bad behavior represents him only. If it hurts you, say so. But at the same time do not defend his bad behavior. Since he's abused you he's probably abused them too. There's no excuse for causing others harm. Be honest with them...and with yourself. If you're mad at him it's best to tell him directly that he's harmed you greatly. You don't need him to agree with you - you just need to get used to speaking your truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Dontfindme Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Something similar happened to me this past summer. I went away to stay at my uncle's who has been a real father-figure to me. He has made some mistakes in his life, but I still love him nonetheless, though I reject his actions that hurt me, and others. When a distant relative came over and started bad-mouthing him to me and others, I couldn't accept it. Regardless of what he had done, he had done it to ME, so I felt like I was the only one who had a right to say anything, or hold any sort of grudge. It's a weird sort of protectiveness that arises, even when the relationship isn't smooth sailing. What you described sounds similar to that. Maybe you can have a heart-to-heart with your dad and see if you can resolve the differences between the two of you. I could be wrong, but it seems to me like you care quite a lot about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vik1990 Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Honestly, your Dad's bad behavior represents him only. If it hurts you, say so. But at the same time do not defend his bad behavior. Since he's abused you he's probably abused them too. There's no excuse for causing others harm. Be honest with them...and with yourself. If you're mad at him it's best to tell him directly that he's harmed you greatly. You don't need him to agree with you - you just need to get used to speaking your truth. I will never defend bad behavior of my dad, that for sure. But I feel disrespected when I see my aunt talking **** about my dad (and my homeland) right in front of me. Although she is speaking the truth, don't you think she should be a bit more sensitive about talking **** about a person, behind his back, but in front of his own son? Especially since the son is nothing but respectful towards her? I feel one of the two things has to happen. Either I completely stop caring about my dad and homeland, so that I'm indifferent to the criticism (I do see lots of flaws about my homeland and my dad, but...they are my homeland and dad) Or I confront my aunt in a respectful way and risk chucking me out of her home (But how can I stand for my dad and homeland when I myself see lots of flaws in them?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author vik1990 Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Something similar happened to me this past summer. I went away to stay at my uncle's who has been a real father-figure to me. He has made some mistakes in his life, but I still love him nonetheless, though I reject his actions that hurt me, and others. When a distant relative came over and started bad-mouthing him to me and others, I couldn't accept it. Regardless of what he had done, he had done it to ME, so I felt like I was the only one who had a right to say anything, or hold any sort of grudge. It's a weird sort of protectiveness that arises, even when the relationship isn't smooth sailing. What you described sounds similar to that. Maybe you can have a heart-to-heart with your dad and see if you can resolve the differences between the two of you. I could be wrong, but it seems to me like you care quite a lot about him. Do I "care quite a lot about" my dad? I really can't say. One of the reasons I was so eager to move to USA was to get away from him. I think it really hurts me that my aunt doesn't hesitate to talk **** about him, right in front of me. Its disrespectful. Regardless of the fact that what she says is actually truth, don't you think its a bit insensitive to talk like that in front of me? Especially since I'm always helpful and respectful towards everybody. Or you think I'm being a push-over and that I need to put my foot down? But I kind of don't want to do that either because stuff she says is actually the truth. Although I've suffered a lot because of flaws of culture of my homeland and temperament of my father, the fact that all the good memories I've ever had are also associated with them. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Time to get out on your own and finance your life as an independent adult. So long as you are relying upon the generosity of others you have to be tolerant of them. Don't let this bog you down in family drama and distract you from taking necessary steps to independence. Let your discomfort be a motivator. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Caring or not is a point to address. Why is it useful to care that much for someone who has treated you poorly? I think your Aunts have the right idea. Why not say how you feel? There's no rule in life that states you need to talk nice about someone who has treated you badly. Your Dad may get the idea he wronged you if you don't act as if it's ok by you. Defending him is same as agreeing with his treatment of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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