Why won't he just propose already? I need serious !

[MandyNichkole]

This is going to be long and possibly confusing so I'm going to put this into a bullet points format to make it easier:

 

-We met when I was three months shy of 17 and he was 22.

 

-I basically moved in with him a few months after dating (I was staying at his house all the time and rarely went home)

 

-he got kicked out of the place he was staying and we were homeless. We had to stay at friend's house every night and occasionally sleep in my car. I had to option to go to my parents house and sleep in a cozy bed but I wasn't going to abandon him and leave him without a car too so I stayed by his side.

 

-a few months into being homeless we found out we were pregnant (I was 17 by this time and he was 23). Even though I had the option of going to my parents house I chose to couch surf and sleep in the car while pregnant because, as I said above, I was not about to abandon him.

 

-After being homeless for about 7 months we got an apartment when I was about 6 month pregnant.

 

-we had our daughter on 12/7/13.

 

-things were going fine for a few months and then when our daughter was about five or six months old I had a moment of realization and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and marry him. *two years into our relationship now*

 

-I revealed my feeling to him and he gave me the "I'm not ready but i do want to marry you SOMEDAY" response. I got depressed and cried to him almost nightly about how bad I wanted him to be my husband.

 

-After a few months of that I finally told him that I'm not going to be strung along any more and I need to move on if this is going nowhere.

 

-the next day he "proposed" to me. I was in our livingroom, in my pajamas, eating a burrito when he asked.

 

-I was pretty disappointed with the half-asked proposal and the bought-on-a-whim ring. (I know, that may sound shallow but I didn't take him seriously)

 

-I took the ring and said I'd think about it and went outside to call my friend.

 

-I went back inside and we just sat there like nothing happened and my friend calls to congratulate him. He then replies in a very monotone manner with "thanks...but don't tell anyone".

 

-it was then that I realized that he didn't mean it (the proposal) and he wasn't excited about it and honestly, neither was I.

 

-I rejected the proposal because I was wrong by pressuring him and that made the proposal ingenuous.

 

-I kind of felt like maybe he just isn't the marriage type right now and won't be for a very long time. I mean, he has said that he wants to marry me so isn't the next step to ask? Why did I have to pressure him and basically give him an ultimatum to make him propose? If he felt as passionately about me as I do him then we would be getting this show on the road, right?

 

-*fast forward about three months to now* Since the botched proposal I've been feeling resentful towards him and don't really care much about our relationship anymore. I let go of the marriage topic and have been trying to come to terms that I won't be walking down the aisle any time soon if I stay with him. I've been bottling up all my resentment towards him for not making me his wife as much as I could. I've been trying to convince myself that marriage is just stupid and I don't NEED it. However, whenever I see my friends getting married and engaged I just want to punch him and cry. I think to myself...

"why am I not good enough? " "If I were truly his dream girl then he would have been ecstatic when I sat there in a puddle of tears pouring my heart out to him about how bad I want to be his wife and he would have given me a genuine proposal" "What is wrong with me?".

 

-Well, we got into it last night because I blurted out all my feelings that I've been trying to bottle up and hide from him regarding marriage. He says that he still isn't ready. I asked him "answer me this, am I the one?". He replies saying something along the lines of "it's hard to say...relationships take time...blah blah blah". Ok, red flag! We've been living together for two and a half years and have a 10 month old daughter together and you're not sure if I'm the one? It's not like I've ever cheated on him or given him a reason to second guess me...I've been 100% faithful.

 

Now I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in limbo--I can't imagine myself without him but i want to settle down and have a "real" family.

We haven't had any major issues up until it dawned on my that I wanted to marry him but now my resentment is growing and it's effecting a lot of things in our daily lives because I just want to punch him in the throat and say "I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT GOOD TO YOU. COME ON, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW! QUIT FIGHTING IT...I LOVE YOU DAMMIT!!!"

 

What do I do?

 

We've lived together for two and a half years, have a child, he will be 25 in January, and I am 19 (I'm young, I know, you don't have to tell me).

[Diezel]

Why is it so important for you to be married RIGHT NOW?

Of course his proposal was a sham, you pretty much forced him into it.

 

You guys have a family right now but you are so stuck on the "marriage" aspect of it, that you are failing to see that.

 

Why won't you let him do it on his own terms and see what happens. Yes, you are 19, and young, but right now you have a baby to be worrying about. Deal with that first and be thankful that he is sticking around... I know many guys older than him that probably would have bolted.

 

I get that you two have history, but it really sounds like you are trying to force him into marriage. Quite honestly, to me, that sounds more like a punishment than a reward.

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry to say this but, frankly, I wouldn't marry you either.

 

You are BOTH too young. You have admitted that you've "been feeling resentful towards him and don't really care much about our relationship anymore."

 

The rest of your message is about your desperation:

However, whenever I see my friends getting married and engaged I just want to punch him and cry. I think to myself...

"why am I not good enough? " "If I were truly his dream girl then he would have been ecstatic when I sat there in a puddle of tears pouring my heart out to him about how bad I want to be his wife and he would have given me a genuine proposal" "What is wrong with me?".

 

All of that SCREAMS ignorance and youth when you have so many years to grow to become an adult. Just suddenly becoming a wife is not going to help you at all and the best thing you can do would be to NOT get married and give yourself a decade - AT LEAST - to grow.

 

I can also guarantee 100% that if you get married now, it will end in divorce. Read THIS THREAD about a woman who married young and now realizes her husband is not the supporter and head-of-house she wanted/needed. This will be you in a few years.

[stillafool]

It almost sounds like you want to be married because your friends are all getting married. Your bf is right, he is still young and so are you. Just because you had a baby together does not mean that you two will end up together. TBH, it would have been a wiser choice to consider marriage before you two had your baby. He does seem like he loves his child and will be a supportive father which is admirable. I do think if your goal is to get married you should move out of your place with him and start dating other people. He has clearly shown you and told you he is not ready to marry you. You can't force someone to love you.

 

Are you going to school or doing anything to make your life better? If so, keep up the good work and if not please go back to school. Right now, school and your baby should be your main focus.

[d0nnivain]

You have much bigger concerns then getting married. Get the rest of your life in order 1st. Do you have a job? How are you taking care of your child? Until you work those issues out, don't get married.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

 

All of that SCREAMS ignorance and youth when you have so many years to grow to become an adult. Just suddenly becoming a wife is not going to help you at all and the best thing you can do would be to NOT get married and give yourself a decade - AT LEAST - to grow.

 

I can also guarantee 100% that if you get married now, it will end in divorce. Read THIS THREAD about a woman who married young and now realizes her husband is not the supporter and head-of-house she wanted/needed. This will be you in a few years.

 

Staying by his side and supporting him while he was homeless is pretty mature for her age. Most 18 year old girls (not women), GIRLS, are out there partying, drinking, smoking, and dick hopping. This woman managed to carry a pregnancy to term, and hopefully without drinking and smoking. While it is true that she's desperate because she sees all her friends getting married, she seems to have enough maturity to get married

 

And at this point, marriage for her is more about protection. Sure, she could get child support if he leaves right now, but after her relationship ends, what is she left with? Theres no re-assignment of property or alimony for her or her child. If this guy doesn't end up being a responsible head of household at least the divorce from marriage will give her something to fall back on. For all we know, this woman could have no job. What if her parents decide they don't want her back?

[Cynicalme]

You have much bigger concerns then getting married. Get the rest of your life in order 1st. Do you have a job? How are you taking care of your child? Until you work those issues out, don't get married.

 

I agree, and no one says you have to break up to do the above. Can you move back to your parents' house?

[Elias33]

Staying by his side and supporting him while he was homeless is pretty mature for her age. Most 18 year old girls (not women), GIRLS, are out there partying, drinking, smoking, and dick hopping. This woman managed to carry a pregnancy to term, and hopefully without drinking and smoking. While it is true that she's desperate because she sees all her friends getting married, she seems to have enough maturity to get married

 

And at this point, marriage for her is more about protection. Sure, she could get child support if he leaves right now, but after her relationship ends, what is she left with? Theres no re-assignment of property or alimony for her or her child. If this guy doesn't end up being a responsible head of household at least the divorce from marriage will give her something to fall back on. For all we know, this woman could have no job. What if her parents decide they don't want her back?

 

True, but marriage is not meant as a tool as re-assurance. It is meant when both parties love each other and are ready for the commitment. Maybe this kind of reasoning is why the value of marriage is dwindling in our society. It's seen as a tool, a crutch, an end, without realizing the work it takes to make it last. Marriage should not function as a parachute. But I do understand your reasoning.

[Tayken]

@OP.....you do realize that this is 2014 and NOT 1814? If you really want this marriage so bad, why don't you just propose instead? It's not written anywhere these days that a man has to propose first anymore, and if we are going to pull that traditional card, then lets apply tradition to everything else then.

 

Starting with...you accept the ring you are given as opposed to picking it yourself. See where this is going

[bathtub-row]

@OP.....you do realize that this is 2014 and NOT 1814? If you really want this marriage so bad, why don't you just propose instead? It's not written anywhere these days that a man has to propose first anymore, and if we are going to pull that traditional card, then lets apply tradition to everything else then.

 

Starting with...you accept the ring you are given as opposed to picking it yourself. See where this is going

 

Really, really, really BAD IDEA.

[Noproblem]

You are 19!

 

You have a daugher

 

a daughter who needs a supporting mother and father

 

who can love her and support her

 

I am sure of the loving part

 

but really?

 

How can you support your kids without improving your life, get the right education and so that you can get the right job..

 

Homeless life is not for kids.

 

You let your love blind you from the truth

 

This guys is not ready to get married because he is so young himself..

 

He can't marry someone who gives him everything he needs

 

You put yourself as a second in this relationship

 

while he won't even agree to marry you..

 

a relationship should be equal. Nobody is better than the other.

 

If you do anything this guy want, sacrifice your youth, your comfort to please him, you will never get anything back in return

Probably a second kid, but that's all!

[Noproblem]

Staying by his side and supporting him while he was homeless is pretty mature for her age. Most 18 year old girls (not women), GIRLS, are out there partying, drinking, smoking, and dick hopping. This woman managed to carry a pregnancy to term, and hopefully without drinking and smoking. While it is true that she's desperate because she sees all her friends getting married, she seems to have enough maturity to get married

 

 

What mature about staying in the streets and risking her life, her health, the safety of her unborn child?

What mature about wasting her time being homeless instead of getting education and getting the a job or a better job?

 

 

This is not mature, this is the act of an obsession and blind love.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

True, but marriage is not meant as a tool as re-assurance. It is meant when both parties love each other and are ready for the commitment. Maybe this kind of reasoning is why the value of marriage is dwindling in our society. It's seen as a tool, a crutch, an end, without realizing the work it takes to make it last. Marriage should not function as a parachute. But I do understand your reasoning.

 

 

It sucks. I want to marry someone because I want to share and spend the rest of my life with them. However, there are those cases where you get really ****ty partners and the benefits of divorce kicks in. While marriage tends to be more beneficial towards women, it can also work in favor of men.

 

For example, a husband has concrete and solid evidence that his wife is cheating. He takes that to court and divorces her ass and kicks her to the curb with NOTHING. And the man most likely keeps most of his possessions.

 

Also, OP has two options. Leave this man and focus on getting a job and an education so you can take care of your child

 

or force this man to marry and also find work and school. If this guy loved you as much as you love him, he would have proposed as soon as you guys found out u were pregnant.

 

Good luck. I hope one day to find a woman as loyal as you.

[Eggplant]

You give of yourself fully, and expect the favor to then be returned. Men don't work that way. Keep in mind you cannot expect the relationship to ever move to the next level in REACTION to something you already gave. Men move relationships forward in ANTICIPATION. Take your child and move into your parents house. Continue to build your relationship with your boyfriend if you want. But for now, you are not husband and wife, and so keep your boundaries.

[Omei]

Eeeeek!! So many bad choices but you are where you are no turning back now.

 

And this "I wish I had a woman as loyal as you" crap I wish she had wanted more for herself in life taking this path so young, I cant help but agree with the acts of obsessive love for I too got pragnent and wanted marriage at 19 did some of the things you did, I slept pregnant in a park with my homeless ex this is like my story. Now im 28 love my child but realize I could of had so much more in my life im always stuck between work and education moving forward at catapillar speed im sorry to share it just gets harder im sorry to tell you =[ As I look back the choices I made were all silly acts of "ill love you forever weeee!!!" and none towards the good of myself.

 

When I realized this I started taking serious action and steps towards a better life for me and my child.

 

I hope he stays with you that would be wonderful for you.

 

I think moving in with your parents is a good idea you need help and stability will be great as well do this for the well-being of your child.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Omei

[preraph]

You're too young to marry and have kids, but you've already done the latter. Your relationship is doomed. You both deserve to use this prime time in your life to date around and make friends and get an education and find out what you want to do with the rest of your life. But you jumped the gun and now everything that can come of it is a compromise and will never be ideal.

 

You need to get him set up to pay child support and take joint custody or visitation and then set him free. If you give him joint custody, you will be able to build a life where you can take care of yourself. Yes, I know you probably think he can't or doesn't want to do it. Still, it's the only thing that will give you enough time to build your own life and have a life and a job. Unless, of course, your or his poor mom is willing to raise yet another child at her age, which isn't even fair to ask. It's your kid, and you're both responsible. He wants to have his youth, and if you're honest with yourself, you probably do too. You turned down that first proposal for a reason, and the reason is that you haven't faced reality that it's too late for the fairytale ending. Right now you both have to buckle down, work and take care of your child -- and better to do it apart than to be unhappy in front of the child.