Sub Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 You also have to be a little patient. Several dates in three months shouldn't be enough to just throw in the towel on single men, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I guess and hope that anyone who's dating is searching for a serious relationship (and if not, that he/she will be clear about that). My intention with dating is to find a boyfriend, who will later become my husband and father to my (yet unborn) children. I am enjoying myself on most of the dates, but I'm also a bit tired of all the dates which never turn into second dates. I've met a lot of interesting men, but I want to meet the one now. I don't expect anything anymore..actually I'm almost sure that it will be nothing than a fun night. Getting a second date seems almost impossible. But I think you're right in some of it. I don't like being single and I feel lonely and I'm scared I will be alone for ever. I guess the men can sense that..and they can sense that I'm tired of dating. I want to take a break from dating now. If I meet someone irl that's something else, but online dating is just too hard for me. I know many, many, many, people that met their future spouse from online dating. The majority have said it took about 100 dates to find the right person. One of my coworkers said it was exhausting, like a job interviews. Date, and hit it off or not, but keep moving on and dating until you click with someone. The co-worker that said it felt like job interviews found a wonderful guy and they are now married. I am a nurse and I work with a lot of women and almost all of them in the last decade found their spouse this way. I am talking about nurses, doctor's and even patients. I work in OB. You just really have to stick with it and it does work. I have tried a few times, I just don't have that big of a desire to find the one and put that much effort into it. But, those that do always seem to wind up with their person. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I was actually doing ok during thoses almost 3 months of NC with my XMM. I was thinking about him, but I knew it was over and I could and should move on now. Then I started dating. I really wanted/want to find a nice single man. I went out with several men, but neither of them wanted to go on a second date with me. When the last man rejected me, something just clicked. I texted XMM and told him that I'm missing him and asked if he wants to meet. But he hasn't replied. It's been 3 days and I know he won't reply at all. And it just makes me so angry! I feel stupid, pathetic and rejected and with no selfrespect. I'm so angry with him. I'm angry that he's done with me..that he doesn't want me anymore..that he chose to stay with his w and he wants me to stay away. I'm angry that he can just continue his life. That he still has a home and a w. Nothing has changed for him. While I'm single and lonely. I don't like being angry. I see it as a waste of energy. And I also know that the anger is just a cover up for the pain I'm feeling I found for me being angry helped. It helped me to be adamant about moving on. It helped me to be stronger and to stick to NC and stick to my resolve to move on. Feeling all sad and missing the person is a worse position IMO, as you experienced, when you felt that way it led to you reaching out to him and then being vulnerable to more hurt. I'd use the anger as tool to help you move forward. But the part about the pain, it's true. Hurt is often right below the surface. It's normal and fine to feel that way. Acknowledge it, cry about it if you must...then brush yourself off and move forward. You won't hurt forever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 He didn't respond but will YOU respond if XMM responds later on down the road? Don't beat yourself over it. Your prob more upset that he didn't respond, rather than you texting him. Take care of yourself and put your needs first. Please, don't date looking for anything serious until you take care of yourself first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hello234 Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) I have noticed that the more we act like we don't care abt MM, the more they show us care.. Don't go back to him and initiate contact.. be cool.. show that you found someone else and are happy and don't care about him Edited October 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for previous post removed. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I guess and hope that anyone who's dating is searching for a serious relationship (and if not, that he/she will be clear about that). My intention with dating is to find a boyfriend, who will later become my husband and father to my (yet unborn) children. I am enjoying myself on most of the dates, but I'm also a bit tired of all the dates which never turn into second dates. I've met a lot of interesting men, but I want to meet the one now. I don't expect anything anymore..actually I'm almost sure that it will be nothing than a fun night. Getting a second date seems almost impossible. But I think you're right in some of it. I don't like being single and I feel lonely and I'm scared I will be alone for ever. I guess the men can sense that..and they can sense that I'm tired of dating. I want to take a break from dating now. If I meet someone irl that's something else, but online dating is just too hard for me. Remember the best kind of relationships are friends first before becoming lovers. When you decide to get back out into the dating game again, get to know the person before you decide in your mind "I'm looking for something serious so could be my husband w/kids"... Men can esaily sense desperation and WILL take advantage of it. Just like how your XMM is taking advantage of you responding everytime he reaches out. He only responds when it's on HIS TERMS. So the next time he reaches out (and he will) judging on the history... You may want to think long and hard before doing so. I haven't completely let go of my XMM but I did not like that it was on his terms at some point in the relationship we had.. He took advantage of it. We're LC now after over two years of an emotional/sexual affair. Today, our back and forth is not not stopping me from moving on to find the one who I can see myself building a future with. Your XMM is because your still emotionally holding on. Link to post Share on other sites
justmebev1 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Hi ImNotYours - I know exactly what you are going through, I am as well. I'm older than you but that doesn't matter when feelings/emotions are involved. I was the OW for a MM for 3 years. It was great, awesome, we fell in love, were inseparable, we spoke every second of every day through text/phone calls for 3 years a long time. He told me from day one he would never leave his W and 2 children. As time went on and we wanted to be with each other I thought this would change. He told me if his W ever found out if would be an instant divorce. As time went on, and it got longer and longer, I was realizing this M is getting his cake and eat it, I need some movement some change, is he going to be with me, or is he going to be with her? So, he didn't have the balls to make a change, either let go of me, or let go of his marriage. I anonymously FB her and told her what he was doing. And you know what? After 3 long years of him telling me how much he loved me and couldn't live a day without me, or ever see his life continuing without me in it, once she confronted him about it, he basically flushed me down the toilet like a piece of ****. I'm still suffering but it's getting better each day. It's been almost 3 months NC. I same as you during vulnerable moments texted him, he didn't reply, called him, no reply. I went through and still going through all the emotions you are. Someone on another site gave me very good advice. I was mentioning that the hardest part of me being able to move on was all the triggers (places we went that I have to drive by, things he gave me, songs on the radio, stuff he did for me around the house) that was driving me CRAZY. So the advice was, every time I have a thought about him say to myself or out loud liar, liar, liar. And you know what, it works really really well. Because the image I once had of him being so wonderful, so in love, so happy was all lies on his part. So by saying it when these memories come up redirect me to what it really was as opposed to what I thought it was. TRY IT! It really helps. As far as moving on and dating, I have tried that as well. These online dating sites have become filled with all scammers, very hard to find a real true person on it anymore it has definitely changed over the last 3 years, making it near impossible to meet someone real. And like others have said to you on here, I'm not ready, I'm not over what he did to me, and I'm not ready to go through it again. I need to take this time for myself, find out who I am, what I want, and break through the loneliness and be happy with myself. I like you, don't like to be alone, I have a 12 year old, but I'm still lonely for a man's company so I understand how you feel. Please write me on here anytime, it's very important to have someone there for you so you can vent, discuss your feelings, and get things off your chest. I'm here for you : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 Please write me on here anytime, it's very important to have someone there for you so you can vent, discuss your feelings, and get things off your chest. I'm here for you : ) First of all..hugs for you..I'm sorry you're hurting too. I hope we can be strong together and move on. I don't know about the lies thing. I want to think that we had something special and it wasn't a lie, but what he had and has with his W is even more special, and he wanted to keep that instead. It might seem odd that I'm struggling so much with moving on as the A was quite short term. Today it hit me..The A did open up some issues from my childhood..mostly about rejection. It's not really about him. And the second part is that I haven't allowed myself to grieve. To really grieve and be where it REALLY hurts. I try to push the pain away by dating other men, by keeping busy and be hoping that he will return, because I know when I realize that it's really over, I will have to deal with this great pain Link to post Share on other sites
justmebev1 Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Hey! Thanks for the hugs! I know what you mean about maybe they weren't lies but to me it's better to think they were under the circumstances. I know about pushing the feelings away, its very difficult, you have something special, your happy, and poof it's gone. Rejection is no fun no matter when you go through it. I'm glad for you it was short term because the longer you would have been with him the harder it would have been to get over the hurt. If you have kik you can kik me: justmebev817 Glad you wrote back!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Hey! Thanks for the hugs! I know what you mean about maybe they weren't lies but to me it's better to think they were under the circumstances. I know about pushing the feelings away, its very difficult, you have something special, your happy, and poof it's gone. Rejection is no fun no matter when you go through it. I'm glad for you it was short term because the longer you would have been with him the harder it would have been to get over the hurt. If you have kik you can kik me: justmebev817 Glad you wrote back!!! I don't have (or know) kik. Can you send PM's here? Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 I still haven't heard from him, but I'm not angry anymore. I was really sad yesterday and the day before, but today I woke up feeling energetic and hopeful. I lay in bed for at while and thought "I'm ready to move on now. I don't want to see him, contact him, look at his FB-page or anything like that. I'm done". I used my new energy to clean the whole house I'm planning to write a letter to him, but not send it. I'm going to put it in a envelope, close it and write a date on it 3 months from now, where I will read it again and hopefully have moved on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justmebev1 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Hi!!!! You have great ideas, I really like the letter one and cleaning the house is a great stress reliever too. I don't know about private messaging here, I don't think so, or u have to pay for it. Email me at [email protected] and I will give you my cell # we can text. What state are you in? I'm in PA. Hugs!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 16, 2014 Author Share Posted October 16, 2014 Hi!!!! You have great ideas, I really like the letter one and cleaning the house is a great stress reliever too. I don't know about private messaging here, I don't think so, or u have to pay for it. Email me at [email protected] and I will give you my cell # we can text. What state are you in? I'm in PA. Hugs!!!!! Oh, I live in Europe, so I guess texting will be a bit expensive But I'll send you a mail soon and we can mail eachother if that's ok Link to post Share on other sites
justmebev1 Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Yes, thats fine! Link to post Share on other sites
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