Buzzle Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Do your teenagers have a "set" bedtime? My 15 year old just went off on a tangent tonight about how I need to give him more freedom, including NOT giving him a bedtime. He says it's dumb that he has a 10:30 bedtime.. he's "almost driving" and has a "stupid bedtime." He thinks I should be letting him make his own mistakes, so if he stays up too late then he is the one that pays the price. He says he wouldn't stay up all night.. he'd "probably" be in bed around 11:30. He WILL pay when is exhausted in the morning, and I WILL pay when I can't get him outta bed in the morning. It's already difficult enough. He has to get up at 6:15 and already isn't getting near the amount of sleep that teenagers need. I'm a little stunned tbh.. I don't know where this "no bedtime" idea of his came from. I can't think of any other parents of teenagers that allow this.. what about you guys? You have leniency? Link to post Share on other sites
lyndaaxo Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 From about 14/15 my parents let me make my own 'bedtime', my parents trusted me enough to make my own decisions. If I was tired the next day it was my own fault. I've always been very independent though. And no harm came of it, I'm an independent adult almost a decade later, and doing rather well for myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I recall that when I was fifteen in the early '90s, I would have sports after school and sometimes wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 o'clock because I went out with friends after practice. I don't think I had a bedtime after elementary school (age 11), although I admit I don't know what is appropriate as I'm not a parent. Just my experience. I would think 15 is a little too old for an enforced bedtime. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I think a lot depends on the kid and dedication to studies, etc. My first teenager didn't have an enforced bedtime at that age, because he was hyperviligant about his grades and I didn't have to worry about him staying up all night and screwing up his grades (ultimately he was valedictorian in his class of 500+ with a 4.5 GPA, highest possible). My second child, a year younger, needed a bit more guidance and motivation because he couldn't get up in the morning. Why not say you will do it as a trial experiment? He will have to get himself on the bus (or whatever) and if he has problems with that, or if ANY grades suffer, then it's back to enforced bedtime. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 No, my teen does not have a bedtime. Nor did I as a teen. I feel it's important for kids to learn to self manage these kinds of basic needs before going off to college. I would talk to my teen if sleep became a problem. As it is, my kid will sometimes be up past 11 doing homework (after a sports event), and other times go to bed at 8 pm because she's tired. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 How about: "I'd like you to think about being in your room by 10.30. Sunday to Thursday. Be in bed by 11.00. Turn the light off when you want, but definitely by midnight. You get up when I call you, no arguments. Friday and Saturday, you can do as you like. " Works for me. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I don't give my teens a bed time but I also don't have to wake them up in the morning. They set their own alarm clocks for when they need to get up and have since they were 12. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buzzle Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Wow, I'm surprised at the answers I'm getting. Maybe I am being a little rigid.. I'd never really thought I was until now. I guess I can see some purpose in letting him live and learn. I'm willing to do a trial run with him, but I'm going to have a talk with him first about my expectations. If he feels that I should be giving him more freedom and independence, then I think I can expect him to step it up and start being more responsible. Seems to me the two of those go hand I'm hand. There are things we seem to routinely battle about (chores, being responsive on his cell, etc) that I shouldn't still be having to address with him so frequently. So perhaps if he is ready to prove himself in a couple other arenas then I will work with him on the bedtime... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I started off telling my son (he's 13) he "should" be in bed around 10ish and gave him the whole speech about getting 8 hours and feeling refreshed....but I'm in bed way before him so in actuality - he doesn't have a bed time. He also has to get up and catch the bus before I get up too so he's gone and out the door before I open my eyes. He must be getting to bed on time if he's up and at 'em before me, right? Sure he's missed the bus here and there for oversleeping which I'm sure its because he's stayed up too late. Well, I take his ipod or something and he adjusts and learns his lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm getting started with my fifth teenager. I don't tell him when to go to bed. I might suggest it: "early day tomorrow, man. Better get some rest." But that's about it. What I do control is the TV (we only have one) and the internet (I can turn off access with the flick of a switch). With those options gone, he's much more likely to get to bed at a decent time but if not, it's his problem, not mine. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm willing to do a trial run with him, but I'm going to have a talk with him first about my expectations. If he feels that I should be giving him more freedom and independence, then I think I can expect him to step it up and start being more responsible. Seems to me the two of those go hand I'm hand. There are things we seem to routinely battle about (chores, being responsive on his cell, etc) that I shouldn't still be having to address with him so frequently. So perhaps if he is ready to prove himself in a couple other arenas then I will work with him on the bedtime... Yep, I don't see a problem at all in linking liberty and responsibility. The two go hand in hand, or should. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm getting started with my fifth teenager. I don't tell him when to go to bed. I might suggest it: "early day tomorrow, man. Better get some rest." But that's about it. What I do control is the TV (we only have one) and the internet (I can turn off access with the flick of a switch). With those options gone, he's much more likely to get to bed at a decent time but if not, it's his problem, not mine. THIS exactly. I have my router set to cut off internet access automatically Sunday - Thursday from 10PM-6AM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 at 15 my daughter didn't have a bedtime either. But she usually went to bed at 11pm. As another poster said when she had sports or games it was not uncommon for her to be home at 8pm and still be going homework at 10:30. Her school pushed back its' start time to 8:45 about 4 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 If he feels that I should be giving him more freedom and independence, then I think I can expect him to step it up and start being more responsible. Seems to me the two of those go hand I'm hand. . Absolutely! My goal is to raise a self-sufficient adult, not to have a perfect teen. Let them stumble and learn from mistakes now, while the stakes are low (age appropriately, of course). That means giving them age appropriate freedom AND responsibility. I'd have a big problem if my kid didn't respond to my texts or calls. She knows that. I've shown up in person to find out why she isn't answer her phone, lol! (She doesn't want that to happen again, so now she answers right away ) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 My dad wanted me to go to bed at like 9:30 when I was 16. I can understand if you're like 8. I would just close my door, turn off the lights and listen to the TV on low until 11pm or 12am and I would still get up early to get to school on time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buzzle Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 What I do control is the TV (we only have one) and the internet (I can turn off access with the flick of a switch). With those options gone, he's much more likely to get to bed at a decent time but if not, it's his problem, not mine. Yes this would be a great idea except that other adults in the household may still need to use it. I guess there may be a way to only disconnect him though.. I'll have to look into that. His other complaint is his cell phone that I keep in my room at night. I do that because I caught him on it in bed when he wasn't supposed to be, so I removed the temptation. I told him that he could earn it back into his room (not bed though) by sticking to his 10:30 bedtime instead of procrastinating and screwing around until 11 or later, but so far that really hasn't happened. I could potentially eliminate 2 of of his issues then by cutting him some slack on his bedtime and by also allowing him to have his phone in his room, but disconnecting internet doesn't do much for his phone. He can still be connected until the wee hours if he wants. I see snapchats and texts come in from his friends very late sometimes, even in the wee hours of the morning and I just think it's a bad idea for that thing to go to bed with him. The little sleep he does get shouldn't be interrupted IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buzzle Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm glad I reached out on LS with this question. As a single parent I find myself questioning my decisions a lot and admit I don't always make the right ones. I try to protect him and guide him but I am too controlling sometimes and it not always easy to see where I'm making mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 It really is hard to know the right thing to do sometimes, I fully agree. Too bad they don't come with owner's manuals Your son has a mom who cares, and that's a LOT. I'm sure it will all work out in the end, and they'll blame us no matter what 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 My folks didn't give me a 'bedtime' from 15 onwards - i had the loft room so i could pretty much do as I wanted, when i wanted, up there without it affecting them in any way. But on the flip side they didn't have to get me out of bed in the morning.. dogs did a great job of that if the alarm failed. If your adult enough to take yourself to bed your adult enough to get yourself out of it - no ifs or buts, you just cant have it both ways, I don't think life works like that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buzzle Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 My folks didn't give me a 'bedtime' from 15 onwards - i had the loft room so i could pretty much do as I wanted, when i wanted, up there without it affecting them in any way. But on the flip side they didn't have to get me out of bed in the morning.. dogs did a great job of that if the alarm failed. If your adult enough to take yourself to bed your adult enough to get yourself out of it - no ifs or buts, you just cant have it both ways, I don't think life works like that! I agree with this. He is a very hard sleeper so he often slept through his alarms in the past (which is how I got in the rut of waking him up every morning in the first place). Plus I've had his alarm (phone) in my room every night. I think he does need to be getting himself up though.. hopefully he can find a really loud, annoying tone that will work. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I agree with this. He is a very hard sleeper so he often slept through his alarms in the past (which is how I got in the rut of waking him up every morning in the first place). Plus I've had his alarm (phone) in my room every night. I think he does need to be getting himself up though.. hopefully he can find a really loud, annoying tone that will work. I'm a hard sleeper too - I used to have an alarm that sounded like an air raid siren!! Think it woke the whole street up :lmao: I got one quite recently though that wakes you up with a really bright light instead of noise - it's really awesome, I'd definitely recommend! Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Bright Light AND Noise - perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I didn't have a bedtime but I was a nerd who went to bed at 10pm (or earlier) on my own anyway. I have a niece who's 15 and there is no way her mom would let her stay up til 11:30 on a school night. How's the kid supposed to be functional the next day on like 6 hours of sleep? If my kid had to be up at 6, I'd make them go in their room at 10 and I'd expect lights out by 10:30 during the week. I don't think that's unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buzzle Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 I didn't have a bedtime but I was a nerd who went to bed at 10pm (or earlier) on my own anyway. I have a niece who's 15 and there is no way her mom would let her stay up til 11:30 on a school night. How's the kid supposed to be functional the next day on like 6 hours of sleep? If my kid had to be up at 6, I'd make them go in their room at 10 and I'd expect lights out by 10:30 during the week. I don't think that's unreasonable. I already worry he's not getting enough sleep, but what often happens is that he can't fall asleep until long after he's gone to bed. I bought some melatonin but haven't done much with it yet because I need to read up on the proper mg dosage. It's been this way for a long while, and he frequently complains about how he just lies there staring at the ceiling and isn't even tired. His doctor said (and in front of him which may not have been the smartest) that teenagers are biologically predisposed to stay up late. But I, as a mother, am predisposed to NOT WANT him to stay up late, so I'll definitely be stepping out of my comfort zone. If he can step it up with his responsibilities, keep up his grades and no other negative consequences appear then I'd be ok with it. I don't know that I'd be comfortable letting him take the reins completely though, mostly because I fear he would stay up half the night and still insist that he's "fine and not tired at all", but I would be okay extending it out to give him a little more bedtime freedom. Because I guess the point is to let him sink or swim right? That's how they learn after all, but sometimes it's hard as parents to stand back and watch it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 A woman I used to work with, once held a job in a confectionery manufacturer's plant. When she first began the job, she glutted on the products made, and gorged herself sick. After a fortnight or so, she quit the idiocy of what had originally seemed a luxurious dream, and 'settled down ' to normal consumption... You may find that letting him loose in the sweet shop may prove risky at first, but once he realises his actions have consequences, he will hopefully self-regulate. Suggest a time-frame. If within that time, he can demonstrate responsibility, then cool. If however, things don't gel, then agree with him that you'll have a re-think... Link to post Share on other sites
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