DJRoberts Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 (edited) I've been dating this girl for nearly 7 months now and I really really love her, I know I couldn't be without her. Recently I've come to know how she lost her virginity and it REALLY bothers me. I guess because I was never really the type to lose it to someone I know I didn't love? Anyway, so I found out that she'd gone out with some mates, got drunk, high on weed, she'd taken valium and the friend she was meant to be staying with didn't let her stay because of the state of her. So she leaves his house with a guy she'd met that day, goes down to a little patch of grass by the river (in a public place) to continue drinking. After a bit, they started to kiss and apparently, before she knew it, they were having sex. He didn't have a condom and she knew this. Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection. Okay that kills me. Honestly if I'd know that before we started dating, I wouldn't be with her now. It's all I can think of and it's really effecting how i feel about her because I know she's different now. It was over a year ago and I didn't know her at the time, but it's playing with me. Some quick advice would be amazing. Edited October 7, 2014 by DJRoberts Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Stop asking women about their sexual pasts, is probably the first piece I can give you. Also, it's in her past. Would you rather find out that she has banged 100's of men with a condom, instead? Would that make it any better? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Well, drugs will influence your mind (unlike alcohol, where you still are either conscious/some perhaps a bit more aggressive or unconscious on the ground), and not every girl has this high regard of virginity and who you give it to. Some just want to have sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection. Okay that kills me. Honestly if I'd know that before we started dating, I wouldn't be with her now. It's all I can think of and it's really effecting how i feel about her because I know she's different now. Then she's probably not the right one for you. Long term. It's your instinct telling you this is not going to go well. Your instinct probably is also not very happy with the risk seeking behavior. Your ages? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 It is a lesson for you! Don't ask questions if you can't deal with the answers. When I first saw your headline i thought that your GF has sex with 40 guys, or with many people that you know and meet them (small town) or she had gang bangs, or god knows what.... But you describe a confused young girl who found herself in an unexpected situation, and somehow took some wrong (but legitimate) decisions that night, to sleep with someone you barely know, under the influence of alcohol, drugs and so.... Maybe her biggest mistake was to be honest with you because you're not mature enough to handle things. It's not really a big deal. If you really can't handle this, don't torture yourself and her and just break up with her. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 It is a lesson for you! Don't ask questions if you can't deal with the answers. Huh, who says he can't deal with the answer? He's dealing with it, maybe not the way you or somebody else would. Maybe her biggest mistake was to be honest with you because you're not mature enough to handle things. Are you saying it's a good thing to be dishonest with people if you feel they "aren't mature enough" to deal with the answer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 first off if you have had sex with her since then get tested....when you get the results ......if they are clear....let it go....or....move on....deb Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Are you saying it's a good thing to be dishonest with people if you feel they "aren't mature enough" to deal with the answer? Of course not. I was a little sarcastic. I only guess that he was digging in her past, and now he says he regrets meeting her. (if he new before he wouldn't want her, etc...) He has my sympathy. I also had problems dealing with some of my wife's past. He should remember that it is his problem, his issue. She hasn't done anything wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Temporarilyinsane Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 He should remember that it is his problem, his issue. She hasn't done anything wrong. This^^^ people do things, make mistakes, but if you can't live with it, it's not fair to hold it over her head. Move on and find someone more suited to you or don't ask about things you can't change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 If you can't handle the truth, you shouldn't fish for the answer, What she did before she was with you are thoughts that will prove to be just like cancer. Forget about what she did before you, it will do you no good. Instead, focus on your relationship at hand, just like a good boyfriend would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Discjockey80 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I've been dating this girl for nearly 7 months now and I really really love her, I know I couldn't be without her. Recently I've come to know how she lost her virginity and it REALLY bothers me. I guess because I was never really the type to lose it to someone I know I didn't love? Anyway, so I found out that she'd gone out with some mates, got drunk, high on weed, she'd taken valium and the friend she was meant to be staying with didn't let her stay because of the state of her. So she leaves his house with a guy she'd met that day, goes down to a little patch of grass by the river (in a public place) to continue drinking. After a bit, they started to kiss and apparently, before she knew it, they were having sex. He didn't have a condom and she knew this. Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection. Okay that kills me. Honestly if I'd know that before we started dating, I wouldn't be with her now. It's all I can think of and it's really effecting how i feel about her because I know she's different now. It was over a year ago and I didn't know her at the time, but it's playing with me. Some quick advice would be amazing. Has she ever given you a reason to doubt her respect for you or her feelings? As in, does she keep it all uptight and difficult with you? If so then end things. If however though she is free and uninhibited with you and feels passionately about you...then forget it and get over it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 DJ, what everyone is saying here should be helpful to you. If I'm understanding you correctly, she wasn't married and cheating on someone, she wasn't even with a boyfriend and had a fling in the grass on the side, she was single and had a ONS? So, there was nothing wrong with what she did as far as this has no bearing on how she'll treat you and if you can or can't trust her. If she was going to do something like this, she did it at the right time - when she was single. Diezel and lolablue17 made good points. Don't fish around if you can't handle the answer and it's not like she banged 40 guys or 100! I think long gone are the days where women are "saving" themselves for someone they love and there's not only nothing wrong with that but it's the right thing. This is a good direction to go in because now, in this day and age, she won't wonder what if some other guy would be better in bed and also, if she's with you, now you know it's because she had choices and CHOSE YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Not sure what advice I can offer, other than get tested. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Recently I've come to know how she lost her virginity and it REALLY bothers me. Anyway, so I found out that she'd gone out with some mates, got drunk, high on weed, she'd taken valium and the friend she was meant to be staying with didn't let her stay because of the state of her. So she leaves his house with a guy she'd met that day, goes down to a little patch of grass by the river (in a public place) to continue drinking. After a bit, they started to kiss and apparently, before she knew it, they were having sex. He didn't have a condom and she knew this. You should be upset FOR her not AT her. What you described isn't losing virginity, it's DATE RAPE. She was in no way shape or form capable of giving consent. Her choice to do all those drugs & go off with a guy she didn't know gives me more pause about her character then the fact that the unscrupulous guy took advantage of her. Her friend who she was supposed to stay with is a complete Ass for kicking her out. All that said, you either have to completely put her past behind you & never think about it or bring it up again & be happy that she chose you & is being faithful to you OR You need to break up with her, sooner rather than later because it's unfair to continue punishing her. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Not sure what advice I can offer, other than get tested. Really....? He's been with her 7 months. THis was over a year ago. Something would have shown up by now.... THis is not, on the face of it, as much as a problem as his judgemental attitude. I'm sorry, but this kind of criticism does you no favours and makes me cross. Who are you to judge and condemn her morals? It happened, and a long time ago, too. Forgive me for saying so, but you need to get over yourself, or leave and give her the chance to find someone who loves her for who she is, not judges her for what they imagine she could be. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Really....? He's been with her 7 months. THis was over a year ago. Something would have shown up by now.... THis is not, on the face of it, as much as a problem as his judgemental attitude. I'm sorry, but this kind of criticism does you no favours and makes me cross. Who are you to judge and condemn her morals? It happened, and a long time ago, too. Forgive me for saying so, but you need to get over yourself, or leave and give her the chance to find someone who loves her for who she is, not judges her for what they imagine she could be. Yes, really. There are many STIs that can lie dormant and be relatively symptom-less. It is incorrect to assume that something would have necessarily shown up by now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Getting tested seems like common sense. Even if it's an over abundance of caution, better safe than sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Yes, really. There are many STIs that can lie dormant and be relatively symptom-less. It is incorrect to assume that something would have necessarily shown up by now. Thanks. Well, what a sheltered life I've led.... Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 What I hear is "my gf isnt the image of innocence I thought she was" She's done nothing to you get over it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 She's technically done nothing wrong, since she was single at the time. But I can understand you finding it distasteful and wondering if you are compatible. I'd be wondering the same myself if a guy whom I was with had done that, especially if it was only a year ago. My concern wouldn't be the sex so much as the fact that he had no qualms with putting himself in such a dangerous situation, though. I suppose essentially it would depend on how he viewed it. If it was "Ugh, I was so stupid back then! Never going to happen again," it possibly wouldn't be a dealbreaker. If it was normal and okay to him, definitely incompatible. At the end of the day, it's up to you to decide what is and isn't okay for you. Be nice to her if you break up with her for it though, and make it about incompatibility instead of moral judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 The thing is it's her past , you said you can't imagine not being with her are you a virgin and what is your age because it sounds like you are a teen ,would it have been better if she told you she loved the guy ? Do you see my point what she did before you is her business Link to post Share on other sites
Author DJRoberts Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 She says she does regret it and she's ashamed of what she was back then. I guess she did learn from it and she'll never be that stupid again, according to her. I just worry that it's something obviously in her personality to do something like that, what if it were to happen again while we're dating... I guess I feel that if she's done it before, there's a part of her that might do it again. [No I am not a virgin, we have been having sex for a little over 6 months now] Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I wouldn't worry too much about her. It's unlikely that with your attitude, this relationship will last much longer. When you find yourself single again, STAY single for a while, until you've worked on your Trust and Self-Esteem issues, and perhaps learnt to be less judgemental. I don't say that with any animosity, but I think you need to mature a bit, before handling a relationship, because guess what? A lot of girls will have a 'tale' to tell, because sweet innocent things are easy prey and highly desirable to unscrupulous males with low morals and even less respect for women. I think you are very respectful to women, but I also think your opinion carries you too far into 'prude' territory..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I'd be more concerned about the drug use. You say she is not the same person? Actually she is, you just don't view her that way. She is the exact same person you met 7 months ago. So she made a mistake, big deal. We all make mistakes in life. Things could be far worse. She hasn't cheated, she doesn't lie, she's honest. You want to throw all of that away because of how she lost her virginity? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 It's been 7 months, and up until you found out, she is this amazing person you are in love with. Well guess what, she is still that amazing person, nothing has changed. There is nothing in her behavior for the last 7 months to indicate shes a ticking time bomb drug addicted cheating skank. Shame on you for making her one time mistake shameful. You are supposed to be supportive and sympathetic, because that is what true love is about. Learn it, this is the way it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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