Girlfriends past KILLS me.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't say or even mean to imply that I saw continued substance abuse here. The OP certainly didn't allude to that. However, to the extent that he does see that behavior resurface, that could be a cause for alarm.

[umirano]

How would she be considered damaged goods after having sex one time?

I see what you did here. But I really didn't say that. I'm talking about having sex

• while under the influence
  
• without using protection
  

Are you really saying this is the average girl's behavior? Are you really saying this is how most girls should be going about their first time? Are you saying no man should take issue with that? Would you be including the guy who banged her? I think not, he's being accused of having "date raped" her.

 

If you've "been with a number of chicks", how does that make your decisions better than this person who made one mistake?

I've never said my choices are better.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but based on your opinion, it seems like she should give up and be single forever?

I haven't looked at this problem from her POV but from mine, or this guy's, as a potential BF of such a girl. But no, I'd not say she should give up. I also don't think she'd have a hard time finding someone anyway. There are always guys who take her for various reasons (with which I personally probably would disagree).

 

However, imagine if everyone got dumped for a mistake they made in their past. Very few people would be in a relationship. Some people can accept it, some people can't.

I would not dump her for "a mistake" she made. If l felt this is a behavioral pattern I'd just steer clear from this kind of drama, because that's not something I want to be dealing with.

 

Also, a pattern is something that keeps happening, not a one time mistake so I disagree that she has a behavioural pattern.

We both don't really know this person. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. To me the OP sounds as if he's worried about this episode not being a one time phenomenon but the symptom of a personality trait.

 

Someone else had mentioned it was date rape which is what I tend to agree with as well. Booze, weed and valium? Yeah, I highly doubt she consented to it especially if

 

Well... you know this other dude even less well than the girl, yet you can conclude it was date rape? Do we know how much of all of these substances she took? No. Do we know how tolerant she was to each of these substances? No. Do we know how these substances interact? No. It could well be that she still had all her senses with her and that the decision to fnck the dude on the spot was rather a conscious one. I remember my ex claiming she'd be in possession of all her senses all the time, regardless of the amount of cannabis she consumed.

 

she suddenly realized they were having sex like the OP said in his first post.

I've heard this line a little too often to still take it seriously. I'm not saying drug induced rape is not a thing. I just see a lot of girls do a lot of drugs while being in sex friendly locations/events and I have a hard time believing all these claimed date/drug rapes are actual rapes or were recognized as such when it happened.

 

 

Can we agree that the claims about the OP being insecure, "not being able to deal with it", etc. are ridiculous? He's rightfully concerned with that behavior. It is not a risk aware behavior, it's not a behavior that indicates a healthy self esteem and a healthy approach to form intimate relationships (unless the girl is claiming to explicitly having searched NSA sex while under the influence).

 

Can we agree that we have no reason really (from the OP's posts) to accuse this random dude of date rape?

Edited October 10, 2014 by umirano
messed up quoting

[leavesonautumn]

I see what you did here. But I really didn't say that. I'm talking about having sex

• while under the influence
  
• without using protection
  

Are you really saying this is the average girl's behavior? Are you really saying this is how most girls should be going about their first time? Are you saying no man should take issue with that? Would you be including the guy who banged her? I think not, he's being accused of having "date raped" her.

 

 

I've never said my choices are better.

 

I haven't looked at this problem from her POV but from mine, or this guy's, as a potential BF of such a girl. But no, I'd not say she should give up. I also don't think she'd have a hard time finding someone anyway. There are always guys who take her for various reasons (with which I personally probably would disagree).

 

I would not dump her for "a mistake" she made. If l felt this is a behavioral pattern I'd just steer clear from this kind of drama, because that's not something I want to be dealing with.

 

We both don't really know this person. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. To me the OP sounds as if he's worried about this episode not being a one time phenomenon but the symptom of a personality trait.

 

 

 

Well... you know this other dude even less well than the girl, yet you can conclude it was date rape? Do we know how much of all of these substances she took? No. Do we know how tolerant she was to each of these substances? No. Do we know how these substances interact? No. It could well be that she still had all her senses with her and that the decision to fnck the dude on the spot was rather a conscious one. I remember my ex claiming she'd be in possession of all her senses all the time, regardless of the amount of cannabis she consumed.

 

I've heard this line a little too often to still take it seriously. I'm not saying drug induced rape is not a thing. I just see a lot of girls do a lot of drugs while being in sex friendly locations/events and I have a hard time believing all these claimed date/drug rapes are actual rapes or were recognized as such when it happened.

 

 

Can we agree that the claims about the OP being insecure, "not being able to deal with it", etc. are ridiculous? He's rightfully concerned with that behavior. It is not a risk aware behavior, it's not a behavior that indicates a healthy self esteem and a healthy approach to form intimate relationships (unless the girl is claiming to explicitly having searched NSA sex while under the influence).

 

Can we agree that we have no reason really (from the OP's posts) to accuse this random dude of date rape?

 

I don't think anyone said that this is the average girl's behaviour. There isn't anything that's considered "average girl behaviour" as everyone makes different choices in life that one choice can't be seen as wrong or right or worthy of judgement out of context. It just is what it is. She made ONE mistake, which is combining drugs and alcohol. Don't accuse me of "really saying" anything if I haven't typed the words out and posted them here. I am one female, I can't speak for all females. We're all different.

 

We don't know what actually happened and we never will because no one on this thread was there. That's the thing about the internet and forums. We have to take everything people say with a grain of salt. On a site like Loveshack, people are asking for advice so we respond to the best of our abilities. I mean 50% of the posts could be fake but we're just trying to give advice, not find a way to prove who's right and who's wrong.

 

No, I don't agree with you but I also don't agree that he is insecure. I believe that he is someone who won't be able to handle her past and for that reason, unless he can move on, should end the relationship. From what the OP posted, he never once alluded to the fact that this is something she had done multiple times. So, I don't know why you continue to say it is a "pattern". D0nnivain made more sense when she said that he should be aware of the behaviour but not automatically assume that this is what the girl is about.

 

Not even going to respond to the rape comment. If you don't consent, it's rape. I won't comment any more about that.

 

I've been drunk and smoked weed, I don't recall what happened for about a 4 hour period but I trusted the people I was with. This is coming from someone who smoked weed for years and I have not combined them since because I am aware of the risk involved. See? It's called learning a lesson and moving on.

 

You have every right to make the choice to not be with someone based on any reason. However, everyone is different which is why it's important to think objectively at times with the advice we give and step outside of the box sometimes.

Edited October 10, 2014 by leavesonautumn

[famethrowa]

 

Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection.

 

Sounds like a classic case of retroactive jealousy. And I should know as I used to suffer from this myself. One thing that REALLY helped though was reading

 

How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps

 

Check it out. It;ll work wonders mate.

Edited October 13, 2014 by famethrowa

[Clockwork]

I've been dating this girl for nearly 7 months now and I really really love her, I know I couldn't be without her.

Recently I've come to know how she lost her virginity and it REALLY bothers me. I guess because I was never really the type to lose it to someone I know I didn't love?

 

Anyway, so I found out that she'd gone out with some mates, got drunk, high on weed, she'd taken valium and the friend she was meant to be staying with didn't let her stay because of the state of her.

So she leaves his house with a guy she'd met that day, goes down to a little patch of grass by the river (in a public place) to continue drinking. After a bit, they started to kiss and apparently, before she knew it, they were having sex. He didn't have a condom and she knew this.

 

Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection.

 

Okay that kills me.

Honestly if I'd know that before we started dating, I wouldn't be with her now.

It's all I can think of and it's really effecting how i feel about her because I know she's different now. It was over a year ago and I didn't know her at the time, but it's playing with me.

 

Some quick advice would be amazing.

 

Man, you have to get over it. There is a big, big difference if she did this on your dime, when she was with you. But she didn't. She was honest and she told you. Don't let that ruin what might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

 

Focus on why she is with you today. She did choose you.

[singsparkles]

I've been dating this girl for nearly 7 months now and I really really love her, I know I couldn't be without her.

Recently I've come to know how she lost her virginity and it REALLY bothers me. I guess because I was never really the type to lose it to someone I know I didn't love?

 

Anyway, so I found out that she'd gone out with some mates, got drunk, high on weed, she'd taken valium and the friend she was meant to be staying with didn't let her stay because of the state of her.

So she leaves his house with a guy she'd met that day, goes down to a little patch of grass by the river (in a public place) to continue drinking. After a bit, they started to kiss and apparently, before she knew it, they were having sex. He didn't have a condom and she knew this.

 

Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection.

 

Okay that kills me.

Honestly if I'd know that before we started dating, I wouldn't be with her now.

It's all I can think of and it's really effecting how i feel about her because I know she's different now. It was over a year ago and I didn't know her at the time, but it's playing with me.

 

Some quick advice would be amazing.

 

 

 

 

A past is a past. People make stupid mistakes when they're young or single.

 

I wouldn't pay much mind to it. People do change, especially when they meet someone they truly care for.

 

Her past is her past... Judge her actions now, not her actions on the past.

 

And don't look too much into it... People make mistakes and do crazy things. That doesn't make them bad people or define them.

 

If you love her, keep loving her... no need to stop. She's done nothing wrong to you.

[Maleficent]

These threads are starting to get on my nerves.

 

Everyone does, at some point in their lives, at least one stupid thing that could lead to their future SO question their 'seriousness'.

 

And OP, the fact you are so insensitive to the fact your girlfriend was pretty much taken advantage of falls in that category.

[Emilia]

These threads are starting to get on my nerves.

 

Everyone does, at some point in their lives, at least one stupid thing that could lead to their future SO question their 'seriousness'.

 

And OP, the fact you are so insensitive to the fact your girlfriend was pretty much taken advantage of falls in that category.

I was about to say something very similar. As soon as I see 'girlfriend's past', 'fiance's past' I click knowing what to expect

 

Every single day there is a thread it seems :laugh:

[Maleficent]

I was about to say something very similar. As soon as I see 'girlfriend's past', 'fiance's past' I click knowing what to expect

 

Every single day there is a thread it seems :laugh:

 

True. And it was the same when I clicked on this one.

But this one is in its own category considering the girl doesn't have a 'bad sexual past' per say...

 

This is a situation where some dumb**** took advantage of her state (alcool+weed+valium)

[Spectre]

EXACTLY! This girl was not able to consent.

 

Okay, but then this makes it RAPE. Was it rape? Since..you just kinda said it was. This is an entirely different matter if it was rape.

 

This poor girl.....she knows she did something stupid, and acknowledging that shows maturity. She put her trust in her BF because she loves him. But instead of supporting her and comforting her, it all has turned on her. I feel sorry for her. The damage done is the fact she will have issues trusting him with anything. He thinks this changes things for HIM, what about her? She's the victim here not him.

 

Oh please, this is bull. Now suddenly it's all about the poor girl? Look, I'm not saying it would of been easy for her to be honest, but it is kind of really weird to see how people are completely dismissing this guys feelings and focusing on the girls feelings.

 

You also once again imply it is his job to make her feel better about her crappy past mistakes..even at the expense of his own feelings. That, to me, is very strange.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Spectre

[smackie9]

Okay, but then this makes it RAPE. Was it rape? Since..you just kinda said it was. This is an entirely different matter if it was rape.

 

 

 

Oh please, this is bull. Now suddenly it's all about the poor girl? Look, I'm not saying it would of been easy for her to be honest, but it is kind of really weird to see how people are completely dismissing this guys feelings and focusing on the girls feelings.

 

You also once again imply it is his job to make her feel better about her crappy past mistakes..even at the expense of his own feelings. That, to me, is very strange.

 

Why not give some positive advice that the OP can think about to his situation.

Picking at others posts is counterproductive.

[Robert]

OP has left the building...nothing to see here, let's move along.

 

Thread closed.