Girlfriends past KILLS me.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

is being faithful to you

 

 

The fact she took all those drugs, ****ed a stranger, and even on a public place, is a great indicator of loyalty. Just because you chose someone doesn't mean you'll be loyal

 

 

 

And to be honest, this sounds like every normal 16 year old. They do drugs, drink, and have sex. If I were you, I wouldn't take this girl seriously. Just detach yourself emotionally (easier said than done) and continue to creampie her. She's obviously not the one and you're obviously too young. Don't worry too much about her virginity, worry about her impulsiveness and decision making.

 

If you want a serious girl, go find her.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Look, you said it yourself, she took VALIUM and had sex,

Don't you know what valium does to people upset?

It makes you not care, and lowers inhibitions,

Please understand she was not the same person on a mission.

 

If you can't get over this, then try to understand,

She wouldn't have told you if she knew you wouldn't act like a man,

Think about it just for a little while,

Would she have told you if she knew you would act like a child?

[evanescentworld]

They're getting worse.... You need to pull your game up, Doc....

[DJRoberts]

Thanks for the advice... I guess it was immature of me to think that she wouldn't have skeletons in her closet, just because I don't

 

I've spoken to her about how I feel and it's cleared the air.

[Elliotte]

I'd be concerned like you are if she feels like it was ok to be in the those circumstances and do that, BUT it sounds like she truly regrets it, hopefully not just because you are judging her for it. If you believe she was in bad circumstances making bad decisions and is now trying to make better choices in her life, such as being with YOU, you need to get past worrying about her past.

 

I think the vast majority of us have made decisions we wish we could go back and do differently, and judge ourselves for them far worse than anyone else can. Others who had nothing to do with the choices you made in your past judging you for it is pouring salt on the wound.

[smackie9]

No one really says "Tonight I'm going to do something real stupid so my future SO will resent me".

[DrReplyInRhymes]

They're getting worse.... You need to pull your game up, Doc....

 

Unfortunately, you're right, this is proving to be hard!

But I will bear through, I will stay on guard!

No amount of resistance shall derail my attempt,

And no subject shall be escape or be written as exempt!

[d0nnivain]

I've spoken to her about how I feel and it's cleared the air.

 

That's progress.

 

Going forward I'd pay attention to her drinking / drugging habits. If you see those patterns repeating then you can expect a repeat of the sexual behaviors you didn't like. If she is sober, the issue probably won't repeat.

[evanescentworld]

Unfortunately, you're right, this is proving to be hard!

But I will bear through, I will stay on guard!

No amount of resistance shall derail my attempt,

And no subject shall be escape or be written as exempt!

 

You're doing really well though -

I really do admire

Your obvious gift for rhyming words -

Of this, you'll never tire!

 

You have enough material

To keep you going strong -

Just keep on smiling as you write -

And you can do no wrong!

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

I've been dating this girl for nearly 7 months now and I really really love her, I know I couldn't be without her.

Recently I've come to know how she lost her virginity and it REALLY bothers me. I guess because I was never really the type to lose it to someone I know I didn't love?

 

Anyway, so I found out that she'd gone out with some mates, got drunk, high on weed, she'd taken valium and the friend she was meant to be staying with didn't let her stay because of the state of her.

So she leaves his house with a guy she'd met that day, goes down to a little patch of grass by the river (in a public place) to continue drinking. After a bit, they started to kiss and apparently, before she knew it, they were having sex. He didn't have a condom and she knew this.

 

Bare in mind, she'd only just met this guy and now she's lying down in a public place, high as a kite, ****ing a stranger without protection.

 

Okay that kills me.

Honestly if I'd know that before we started dating, I wouldn't be with her now.

It's all I can think of and it's really effecting how i feel about her because I know she's different now. It was over a year ago and I didn't know her at the time, but it's playing with me.

 

Some quick advice would be amazing.

 

I'm sorry but your gf sounds a little trashy. In all fairness we all have a past and we are not always proud of things we have done in our past

[preraph]

Look, I know it's not what anybody wants to hear, but there's plenty of girls who just want to get rid of the virginity as anonymously as possible so they don't have all these emotions on the line if they're doing it for the first time with some guy they actually like. Irrational fear? Yes. But lots of girls and guys are like that. Don't want to find out they're a clumsy misshapen freakshow first time doing it with someone it would matter. Be honest. How many young guys do you know who went and found anyone they could to lose their virginity with so they'd feel more confident on a girl they actually might like? Almost all of them.

 

And stop asking women questions you can't handle the answer to. Lord, youth is for living and making mistakes and taking wrong turns and learning to navigate.

[Spectre]

It is a lesson for you! Don't ask questions if you can't deal with the answers.

 

This is non sense. Not liking an answer does not mean you can't deal with it.

 

But you describe a confused young girl who found herself in an unexpected situation, and somehow took some wrong (but legitimate) decisions that night, to sleep with someone you barely know, under the influence of alcohol, drugs and so....

 

Confused young girl? He just described a girl who bangs a guy she barely knows.

 

Maybe her biggest mistake was to be honest with you because you're not mature enough to handle things.

 

Just wow, why all the venom? He isn't mature enough to handle things? Um, how? What is he not being mature about? Not everyone views sex the same way you do. If he wants a girl who is not the type to sleep with random men she just met? That is on him, and it doesn't make him immature..it simply means he *knows the type of girls he wants*. Seriously, to try to make someone feel immature, etc. for knowing the type of person they want?

 

It's not really a big deal. If you really can't handle this, don't torture yourself and her and just break up with her.

 

It's a big deal to him, so why are you saying it isn't? If he doesn't want that type of girl then he doesn't want that type of girl. What she did sounds kind of trashy, as another poster pointed out. You can't blame someone for not being okay with that. Doesn't mean he is immature or can't handle the answer, it means he knows what he wants.

[Spectre]

And stop asking women questions you can't handle the answer to.

 

Why do people keep saying this? Not liking the answer does not equate to not handling it. If he thought the girl was cheating on him, would you say "don't ask her!" because he'd probably be upset if the answer was "yes" ?

 

I can't exactly blame him. I ask myself..would I want to be with a girl who sleeps with men she has just met and doesn't even bother to use a condom? Honestly, no..I find that scuzzy as hell.

 

Though let me propose something else to you. You say don't ask questions you can't handle the answer to, well my thing is..aren't those the very questions one SHOULD ask someone they want to be with? Since okay, maybe you do not like the answer, but at least you know that, right? Isn't that better? Since, why leave it up to chance if this person is or is not the type you want to be with? For me, the only time the "don't ask" thing would apply would be for a relationship you know has no future anyways.

 

Lord, youth is for living and making mistakes and taking wrong turns and learning to navigate.

 

This is all true, but youth is also about recognizing sometimes mistakes have consequences as well. It could be her decision to bang some dude she barely knew in a public place while not even caring he wasn't wearing a condom might come back to bite her..or it might not. If it did? Oh well, then he's not the guy for her. Doesn't mean anything about him, just that he has certain standards and attitudes about sex that maybe she doesn't share. That is okay, that is the great thing about the world having lots of people..not hard to find someone with similar views as you(unless your views are super super crazy).

 

Youth is for making mistakes, but you say that as if it gets you a "get out of jail free" card for anything you might of done in the past. It doesn't quite work that way.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Spectre

[OnlyHonesty]

When ever you ask questions like this in a society that is constantly lowering the bar, you will hear ''the past is the past'', ''don't judge''. ''you are immature'', ''don't ask questions about the past''.

 

The reason why you hear such things is because many people have a past they are ashamed about, quite a lot do not want to face consequences or be held accountable to what they did in the past and others are defensive and will simply insult you (projecting).

 

In any area of life that is remotely important, our past is judged and for many minor things in life, the same is also the case. Yet when it comes to relationships suddenly people claim it does not matter.

 

Do not feel ashamed of judging someone due to their past, it's common sense and very logical, do not allow another to shame you for making decisons based on their past and do not fall for the most common line people that have a shameful past will tell you ''the past is the past''.

 

If what she did in the past is a problem then you have every right to judge her and decide whether you are ok with it or not. The next time someone goes to a job interview and they ask you for your employment history, I challenge you to respond ''the past is the past'', see how well that goes:rolleyes:

[OnlyHonesty]

What I hear is

 

"my gf isnt the image of innocence I thought she was"

 

She's done nothing to you get over it.

 

People have the right to do as they please just as others have the right to judge them for it. He doesn't need to get over anything.

[OnlyHonesty]

I wouldn't worry too much about her.

It's unlikely that with your attitude, this relationship will last much longer.

 

When you find yourself single again, STAY single for a while, until you've worked on your Trust and Self-Esteem issues, and perhaps learnt to be less judgemental.

 

I don't say that with any animosity, but I think you need to mature a bit, before handling a relationship, because guess what?

A lot of girls will have a 'tale' to tell, because sweet innocent things are easy prey and highly desirable to unscrupulous males with low morals and even less respect for women.

 

I think you are very respectful to women, but I also think your opinion carries you too far into 'prude' territory.....

 

You provided a perfect example of what I meant when I said society are 'lowering the bar'.

Edited October 8, 2014 by OnlyHonesty

[Spectre]

When you find yourself single again, STAY single for a while, until you've worked on your Trust and Self-Esteem issues, and perhaps learnt to be less judgemental.

 

Why do you assume it is a self esteem thing? Also you realize we judge people for literally everything in life, right? If you meet a guy and fall in love and decide to marry him, you realize you have judged him, right? It's just you have not judged him in a negative way. I'm just saying, why is one form of judgement okay and the other one not okay? Are you not judging this guy by assuming this has to do with self esteem issues? Some people have different views on sex. I might assume it was self esteem if the guy was merely upset over the fact she was not a virgin and seemed to be comparing himself to this other guy, but I've seen none of that.

 

A lot of girls will have a 'tale' to tell, because sweet innocent things are easy prey and highly desirable to unscrupulous males with low morals and even less respect for women.

 

I can't speak for other men, but I would want a woman who isn't so easily manipulated into bed. I don't know that a lot of girls will have a "tale" that involves unprotected sex with some dude in public within hours of meeting him. At least I'd hope that is not a tale most women have. I'll have to ask my girlfriend if she has any "tales".

 

I think you are very respectful to women, but I also think your opinion carries you too far into 'prude' territory.....

 

The problem with calling him a prude is he never said he has a problem with the fact she had sex. He has a problem with the fact she f*cked some guy not long after meeting him, and had no problem having unprotected sex with some stranger and exposing herself to all kinds of potential STD's. She got lucky in that she apparently did not catch anything. I don't think it makes him a prude. Look, I know these days women are all sexually liberated and all that fun stuff, but that has never really equated with "you are a prude if you have a problem with the fact your gf used to bang strange men" or anything like that. Keep in mind I am not saying it is right, but neither am I saying it is wrong. I think labeling the guy an immature prude over this is crazy.

 

Look, you said it yourself, she took VALIUM and had sex,

Don't you know what valium does to people upset?

It makes you not care, and lowers inhibitions,

Please understand she was not the same person on a mission.

 

So what? Valium is no more an excuse then "I was drunk" or anything like that. It doesn't change anything. I took valium before, never did anything wildly out of character.

 

She wouldn't have told you if she knew you wouldn't act like a man,

Think about it just for a little while,

Would she have told you if she knew you would act like a child?

 

Okay, so what the hell? This is getting ridiculous now, he is a child? What does it matter if she would of told him if she knew that, surprise surprise, he might not be down with the fact she was okay having unprotected sex with some guy she just met? I'd honestly be curious about how she thought he would take it.

 

Look, people getting on this guy for feeling the way he does is pretty crazy. People have different views on sex. Some people believe sex should only be between two people in love. I am not saying I believe that, but if I did believe that and it made me not want to be with a person who slept around with strangers and obviously didn't feel the same way I do about sex..that would make me an immature child?

 

See, I think immaturity only comes into play if this guy was upset over this and then played games with this girl because of it. But, again..I just have not seen that. In some ways I think what he did takes maturity..especially that he made an effort to clear the air with her. Think about it: I have known guys who had similar problems, but they didn't handle it like this guy. They got jealous over it..they got passive agressive towards the girl over it, they would throw it in the girls face if they'd have a fight, etc. but most of them never sat the girl down and said "I care about you, but I legitimately am having a problem with this".

 

Shame on you for making her one time mistake shameful.

 

I'm sorry, but this is wrong. She is the one who told him she felt ashamed. That is not his fault, that is on her. There is not a single thing the guy said in here to imply he shamed her. He sounded respectful in his post, and never seemed to say he was trying to make her specifically feel bad about it. I did not even see him call her any names or anything like that.

 

He found out some information about her he did not like and that maybe if he had known from the beginning would of caused him not to want to be with her. You can't fault him for feeling like something has changed, because yes the context of the relationship changed. He seems to have dealt with it now, but it seems that he maybe felt that maybe when they got together he didn't have all the information about her that he would of liked. After all, you can't make an informed decision about something without all the facts.

 

You are supposed to be supportive and sympathetic, because that is what true love is about. Learn it, this is the way it is.

 

He should feel sympathy for..what? He should feel sorry for her because she screwed a stranger without a condom? I don't get it. Explain this to me. It is not the job of your partner to make you feel better for every shameful thing you did in the past. True love is about more then just being supportive and sympathetic.

 

I also have to ask, why is he the only one who has to be sympathetic? If "true love" is about being sympathetic, does it not go both ways? There should be some sympathy for his feelings as well. Which, it sounds like there is, but it just sounded like you felt the only concern here was her feelings. The girl apparently does feel ashamed of what she did(which is at least something). That is her business, you can't blame the guy for that.

 

You might assume it is his fault she does, but has no woman out there ever done something she felt ashamed of..and not felt that way merely because a guy did not like it? I do not even know why I am asking that question, we are on a board with cheating and infidelity, so I KNOW that some women have done things they felt ashamed over, without any guy forcing them to feel that way.

 

No one really says "Tonight I'm going to do something real stupid so my future SO will resent me".

 

No, but maybe people still should stop to think about what they are about to do before they do it since like it or not..our past does make us who we are, and we *will* indeed be judged on it, because our entire society is based on judging people for various things. So to maybe stop before you do something stupid and consider how your actions will be judged in the future might not be a bad thing. So to be honest I think a lot of people this day and age do not stop and think as much as they should(and I do not just mean in regards to sex). It may or may not stop you from doing something a potential future lover just won't be able to get over, but it might stop you from, for example, potentially getting pregnant and/or an STD by screwing a stranger without protection.

Edited October 9, 2014 by Spectre

[Shepp]

Don't get guys who make stuff like this into a big deal.

 

So what. She's still the same person she was yesterday. It affects your realtionship how exactly?

 

It would be like a girl turning round to me and being like 'oh you broke a guys nose when you were 16, how can I ever be with you now?'.

 

How do you learn if you never make a mistake?

[umirano]

Spectere and OnlyHonesty are right on the money. These accusations of low self esteem, issues, insecurities or whatever are laughable.

 

Everyone with half a brain knows that a chick with this behavior is damaged goods. I've been with quite a number of girls and obv at some time this talk came up. With the crazy ones where I didn't see a serious long term RS coming up you'd hear these kinds of stories. With the "normal" ones where I was very interested in a RS, and usually suffered from the BU (even when I initiated BU), I'd almost never hear about drug-induced / -facilitated sex with strangers within hours after meeting them (one exception so far).

 

We know this isn't healthy, and we also know that behavioral patterns such as this don't change easily. So, please, help this guy and don't push your own agenda, let him know what you really know and not what you'd like to be the case.

[smackie9]

S hit happens because life happens. You can waggle your finger all you want but the youth have been doing stupid things since the beginning of time. I am proud of all the dumb a ss things I did because it gave me the knowledge to be a survivor through tough times. I wouldn't change a thing and I don't regret anything. Just because someone made mistakes, doesn't mean their destiny is a lifetime of continual bad behavior and poor choices. I believe making mistakes makes your develop into a better person, and to prepare you for what life has to throw at you.

[leavesonautumn]

Spectere and OnlyHonesty are right on the money. These accusations of low self esteem, issues, insecurities or whatever are laughable.

 

Everyone with half a brain knows that a chick with this behaviour is damaged goods. I've been with quite a number of girls and obv at some time this talk came up. With the crazy ones where I didn't see a serious long term RS coming up you'd hear these kinds of stories. With the "normal" ones where I was very interested in a RS, and usually suffered from the BU (even when I initiated BU), I'd almost never hear about drug-induced / -facilitated sex with strangers within hours after meeting them (one exception so far).

 

We know this isn't healthy, and we also know that behavioural patterns such as this don't change easily. So, please, help this guy and don't push your own agenda, let him know what you really know and not what you'd like to be the case.

 

How would she be considered damaged goods after having sex one time? If you've "been with a number of chicks", how does that make your decisions better than this person who made one mistake? We all have regrets and do something that we wish we could take back. Correct me if I'm wrong but based on your opinion, it seems like she should give up and be single forever? I can understand that everyone will have a different opinion and some people end the relationship and other people will accept it and not make them feel ashamed. However, imagine if everyone got dumped for a mistake they made in their past. Very few people would be in a relationship. Some people can accept it, some people can't.

 

Also, a pattern is something that keeps happening, not a one time mistake so I disagree that she has a behavioural pattern. When I was 14, I drank so much booze that I got black out drunk and passed out in someone's van. Thankfully my friends stuck around with me though. Have I done that since? No because I learned from my mistake and moved on. If she was high or drunk more than sober, if she had a problem with addiction, then yes it's a behavioural pattern not a one time mistake.

 

Someone else had mentioned it was date rape which is what I tend to agree with as well. Booze, weed and valium? Yeah, I highly doubt she consented to it especially if she suddenly realized they were having sex like the OP said in his first post.

[d0nnivain]

How would she be considered damaged goods after having sex one time?

 

Someone else had mentioned it was date rape which is what I tend to agree with as well. Booze, weed and valium? Yeah, I highly doubt she consented to it especially if she suddenly realized they were having sex like the OP said in his first post.

 

EXACTLY! This girl was not able to consent.

 

However, I do wonder about damaged goods. That episode had to do a number on her head. Which is why I cautioned that if the OP noticed continuous substance abuse, that would be a bigger red flag then some retro-jealousy BS.

[smackie9]

This poor girl.....she knows she did something stupid, and acknowledging that shows maturity. She put her trust in her BF because she loves him. But instead of supporting her and comforting her, it all has turned on her. I feel sorry for her. The damage done is the fact she will have issues trusting him with anything. He thinks this changes things for HIM, what about her? She's the victim here not him.

[The Like Fairy]

Thanks for the advice... I guess it was immature of me to think that she wouldn't have skeletons in her closet, just because I don't

 

I've spoken to her about how I feel and it's cleared the air.

 

Glad you got it off your chest to her.

 

And glad that she is now aware that she's been shagging a guy (you) for months now who all this time, was secretly fixated on one drunken night in her past that was never any of his business to begin with.....

[smackie9]

EXACTLY! This girl was not able to consent.

 

However, I do wonder about damaged goods. That episode had to do a number on her head. Which is why I cautioned that if the OP noticed continuous substance abuse, that would be a bigger red flag then some retro-jealousy BS.

 

 

If there is any alarm for substance abuse, there would have been some evidence of it when they met. Obviously there hasn't been any repeat of this behavior over the last year and a half. Mountain/mole hill.

 

All this is about a guy that has his ego bent because his GF wasn't pure.....oh well. Take it or leave it.