Recently separated after 20 wonderful years feel so low lonely and lost

[ralfgarnett]

I hope its ok to post the below link on here, the reason

I have is because I have been writing about my wife and I since August and thought it would be easier than just repeating old stuff but to be honest I need as much help and advice as I can get, same as Tom Amoss I too am 49 y/o and feel desperate, scared, shocked, and lonely, please help if you can I feel so bad and desperate I need as much help as I can get life just feels worthless at the moment

Edited October 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed url to other forum, a no no

[Yasuandio]

I really think you should start your own thread here rather than refer us to an 11 page thread on a different relationship site. That is just to confusing. Yas

[Bluesandy]

I know how it can be so terrible when coming out of the blue....

courage and hang on...

[whichwayisup]

Kind of read here and there on that thread.

 

So you got the I love you but not in love and not feeling it passionately or, sexually anymore.

 

Are you sure there's nobody else on the side?

 

She'd rather be on her own away from you than work on the marriage, go to counseling and give it her best to try to save the marriage?

 

You need to go NC. No more catching up and talking to her a few times a week. If you need to talk to her, do it through email only and make it be about issues that need to be dealt with.

 

She can't have you in her life anymore. That's not fair to you since you still love her and want her to be your wife.

 

She can't call you up and rely on you for stuff anymore. Make that clear to her. It'll hurt for you to do but really you're hurting now with contact.

 

Sorry you're in pain.

[Tayken]

@OP...sorry to hear about that, but yours is nothing compared to some longer relationships out there. I personally know someone who's parents recently called it quits after 37yrs.

 

One way to look at your situation which only you know the details of, is that was it for the best, and what would have happened if you turned a blind eye to the unhappiness that led to the end of the marriage.

 

People shouldn't stay in unhappy marriages if there is no change to the status quo that is causing them grief. The sooner you end it, the better really for all involved including the kid/s.

 

Again, sorry to hear about your circumstance, but there is one marriage ending every other day somewhere in America and around the world.

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks to you all, no it's not for the best as far as I'm concerned we were very happy, seems that she has been having dark thoughts about death and family members becoming ill and in her own words caused a meltdown that quite simply tipped her over the edge, there is nobody else I know my wife and she is not that stupid or low in morals neither of us are, we have no kids we never wanted any, instead we had each other, 2 lovely cats, a nice home, good standard of living including up to 5 holiday a year, a few days before the bombshell we booked our September holiday and paid for it, that is how out of the blue this was she just simply felt so bad with her thoughts that she chose to flight instead of fight and 13 weeks later here we are stuck in the same pile of crap and feeling dreadfull, she has asked if she can come round tomorrow to see the cats, this is 3 times in the past couple of weeks she asked the previous 2 times I said not conveneient, but I know how I would feel so have said tomorrow is ok, and anyway I want to see her demeanour to see if she is in a bad way or not, I know I shouldn't allow it but she also does things like drop off bits of shopping for me so I cant really say no or can I ?

[whichwayisup]

he has been having dark thoughts about death and family members becoming ill and in her own words caused a meltdown that quite simply tipped her over the edge,

 

Sounds like depression. Did she see her Dr about this? Get some counseling?

[ralfgarnett]

yes seen her doctor, she told him she didn't want any tablets and he said well if that's what you want just go and get plenty of exercise then, sounds more like MLC to me but of course she wont have any of it, oh no im fine she says mid panic attack after panic attack.

[travelbug1996]

it sounds hard to believe that the marriage didn't have any problems in 20 years.

 

If the marriage had no problems it would seem that she would cling to you in her difficult times instead of abandoning her home.

 

Where is she living? Is there any other family support?

 

It seems like a lot is missing form this story.

[ralfgarnett]

Nope this is the story as I perceive it no point me making things up as I need to get honest feedback, yes she has family support and is staying with family at the moment, I have spoke to a pshycologist about it and he told me that in a MLC situation people either stay and fight or panic and take flight she took the latter, the flight option is always the most destructive option for everyone concerned and for obvious reasons, anyway I will see her briefly this evening so will be interested to see how she reacts to certain things and subtle changes in our home.

[ralfgarnett]

Well she came round had a nice hour together, she looks very tired and is having very bad period pains and also permanent pains from the fibroids on her ovaries, she is still a lovely gentle girl and every time I see her I remember exactly why I married her in the first place, I had an large envelope with her name on it, inside were a large number of love letters I sent to her when we first met, she was curious about thee envelope and I said I wasn't sure if she should have them or not, in the end I told her what they were and as they belong to her she could take them or I could keep them safe here, guess what without hesitation she said its ok I'll take them, I bet she reads them if not tonight then very soon I was shocked I must say I tested her and she took the bait, what should I make of this is it a good thing ?, bad thing ?, positive thing ?, a hopefull thing ?, naturally as I want her back I was chuffed I just wonder what the outcome will be, she has asked if she can come again on sunday, I said Saturday would be better so she said she is ok with what I decide and will I let her know, any views anyone ?, then she gave me a big hug and off she went to her mums for tea.

Edited October 9, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[ralfgarnett]

I'ts weird sometimes because its almost as if we have never been apart, she tells me all the gosspi and news and everything about all the family and her friends even tells me she is on her period, she doesn't know how to work her brothers TV all that kind of thing and our TV is better than his etc, I might be wrong but it seems to me that she has been living in some kind pf dream world jut this past few months seemingly a bit detatched from reality and a bit lost and overwhelmed with life I just cant figure it I really cant , but feeling quite calm this evening thinking what to do next, maybe I wont do anything just let her come to me yes that what ill do, she is having her fibroids done end of the month by some kind of laser treatment, might make an impact on her mind as she has been in constant pain for months and is almost permanently on her period and has been for months, as I said previously maybe this has had am inpact on her mind set, but as you say only time will tell.

[LifeNomad]

keep your head up and be strong buddy were all going thru pain, give her some time away..let her be on on her own a few days or even weeks or months so she can think back on her life and see if its really worth it, if she stays on her own great, but do not try to force it, don't force her, a few weeks or even months is nothing for the years you guys have together.

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks Nomad I appreciate what you say, it's nice to hear someone say something worthwhile instead of everybody always assuming that cheating takes place, not everyone is as low as that not even those that leave their spouses so I get fed up with our marriage being tarred with the same sh@tty brush as other peoples deceitful marriages, sometimes people can just be unhappy and feel the need to get away without pulling their knickers down, my god what a cynical world it has become, tell me your story Nomad I would be keen to hear it and to talk with you on here about it.

[LifeNomad]

Thanks Nomad I appreciate what you say, it's nice to hear someone say something worthwhile instead of everybody always assuming that cheating takes place, not everyone is as low as that not even those that leave their spouses so I get fed up with our marriage being tarred with the same sh@tty brush as other peoples deceitful marriages, sometimes people can just be unhappy and feel the need to get away without pulling their knickers down, my god what a cynical world it has become, tell me your story Nomad I would be keen to hear it and to talk with you on here about it.

 

In the meantime, the best thing u can do is to exercise. Start changing urself NOW, the physical part rather the emotional side is what u have more control over, do a good 30 min a day, change ur diet, once u improve ur physical side, that alone will improve your mental health without u even having to be going our getting drunk etc if thats not ur thing.

 

After 20 years, whether u go back together or not, u need to be reborn.

 

Also im in a similar situation, 13 yrs, 3 kids, a home, she left...

Edited October 26, 2014 by LifeNomad

[SamH]

How are you doing Ralf? Hope you are looking after you, I still can't eat and seem to be living on coffee, paracetamol and nervous energy. I'm going to try getting some exercise in today and I bought a few Actimel type drinks and healthy snacks to keep me going, 10lb weighloss in just a few days is not good. Am hope to get from hour to hour today. Please surround yourself with your supporters and allow people to help. Thinking of you x

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Sam thanks for getting in touch, still not too good, I was ok yesterday but this morning I smelt some flowers that remineded me of her and I started crying, I weighed myself last week I have lost 2 stone since it all happened, thinking of you too god bless and take care xx

[SamH]

I'm so sorry to hear that. You really need to tell yourself that you will move on and you will OK, look in the mirror and say it out loud to yourself. Get some complan or something just to sip through the day, take vitamins because lack of nutrients will not help your depression. Try your hardest not to constantly be questioning, I know thats almost impossble but you have to be so strict with yourself. Try and laugh, allow yourself to be angry, the sadness is the worst. Take care, I'm sorry there no private messaging but I will be on here regularly x

[ralfgarnett]

Thanks Sam I just miss her so much, I am going away for a few days the week after next and while I am looking forward to going it feels strange preparing to take the trip without considering her in it, in fact as much as I hate deceit I am not even going to tell her that im going but will say I have been away when I get back, might make her think a bit, she rang me 3 times yesterday and left messages she sounded so lovely with her dear little voice that used to tell me how much she loved me so many times a day, as much as I would of loved to pick up the phone I thought whats the point so I just let it go on to answerphone, a few months ago I would of answered like a shot why is life so cruel to good people as us Sam ? .

Edited October 29, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[SamH]

Hi Ralf. You must cut contact, it is cruel of her to be talking to you. I I had contact with the father of my children (I made a big step yesterday to stop calling him my husband, be cause hes not anymore)it would be just too difficult, as it is its giving me a chance to move forward.

I'm really worried about you Ralf, I hope you have a good support network xx

[LifesontheUp]

Hi Ralph

 

Just wondering if this contact is of benefit to you or is it just like ripping your band aid over again?

 

Personally, I think you need to concentrate on YOU, make sure you have support and start doing things for YOU.

 

From what you've written, she needs help but has refused. Therefore, unless some miracle happens, her problems, her thinking isn't going to go away. In the meantime, concentrate on YOU.

[ralfgarnett]

Thank you both but I really don't care about me, I miss my former life, I have been getting bad chest pains of late but not done anything about them, the way I look at it is if god takes me in the night then so be it, I don't want a life without her theres no point tbh, I even dreamt the other night that my mum and dad came down from heaven looking for me to take me away with them, maybe if that was true then I should go with them if they need me, it would be nice to be loved by someone I have nobody here on earth that loves me any more and all my family are dead, do you think they have fluffy cats, nice beer, steak and kidney pie, sausages, daffodils, spring time, holidays in Malta, comfy sofas, and cricket in heaven ?

Edited October 29, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[Richiebuoy]

Hi Ralph, your situation seems a carbon copy of my own, so many things we just don't understand. Everybody says things will change and get better and I know that's true but somehow, at the moment, it doesn't seem to help.

 

Good luck and best wishes to you.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Richie I just feel so sad lonely lost scared empty, I don't even want to think about the future as I cant see one without her, all I do is work andearn money now for me and the kittys, but before I used to do it for all of us so we can have nice holidays and things to look forward to, but I have almost lost all motivation to even pick up the phone if im not careful I could be out of business by this time next year but right now I don't seem to care all I want is for the day to end so I can go back to bed but then it happens again next day o whats the bloody point in it all ?, I only slightly enjoy the weekends but only because I get whammed and can relax watching TV thinking that I don't have to do any work.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ralf. You must cut contact, it is cruel of her to be talking to you. I I had contact with the father of my children (I made a big step yesterday to stop calling him my husband, be cause hes not anymore)it would be just too difficult, as it is its giving me a chance to move forward.

I'm really worried about you Ralf, I hope you have a good support network xx

 

That scares me Sam, the thought that I would never see that sweet little face, those sad green eyes, her soft red hair ever again cuts me in 2, plus I feel really sad for the kittys they are our babies and I don't like the thought of them not having her in their lives they love her so much and I know she loves them, so confused sometimes I need to clear my head and try to start thinking clearly, maybe my 2 breaks before the end of the year will help me to do that, I just hope that the SADS doesn't take too much of a grip on me as that clouds my ability to think straight it really is gruesome sometimes especially when in starts getiing dark early in the afternoons I can feel myself starting to painic inside and tears come in to my eyes, it scares me really badly and the thought of horrible tatty crappy Christmas makes me feel physically ill I just hate what it has become its vile I will be glad when its over in fact if I had my way I would ban it all apart from religious worship, I hate the greed, the tat, the gluttony, the irrelevance, the lack of genuine religion, I hate the sentimentality of it all, the TV, in fact everything about what it is today, I have the greatese respect for the Victorians but could kick them up the backside for giving us the legacy of this tatty version of Christmas it really makes me want to puke I hate it so much, with regards a support network I have a few close friends, some good neighbour/friends, but no family they are all dead so basically I have nobody apart from me and 2 fluffy kittys.

Edited October 30, 2014 by ralfgarnett