Recently separated after 20 wonderful years feel so low lonely and lost

[Richiebuoy]

Hi Ralph, are u doing anything that helps, even just a little ?

 

I have to own up to have a little drink at nights, I know its not a good idea but it helps me at the moment, I'm not getting wrecked or anything, just a little drink.

 

I also find I'm walking a lot, miles and miles, I'm not sure why it helps as all I do is think about stuff but it does seem to help.....

[chew123]

Ralfgarnet,

 

i know this is hard, I am having a very difficult time as well. You probably saw my thread, together for 34 years. It came out of the blue for me also, however as I look back maybe not so much. There were signs, i just did not see them.

 

Also in my situation there is another man. Just so you know my wife was always the prudish one who would judge everyone else when married friends would flirt or cheat. I was absolutely shocked about the infidelity. However at this point none of it matters.

 

It has been a month for me and my appetite is starting to come back. I did lose about 20 pounds, but that is a good thing. I hope to lose another 20.

 

I am also coming to grips that it is over. I think you need to do the same. If she comes back great, but if she doesn't you are on your way to recovery.

Since I have come to the realization that it is over, I think I have begun to enjoy a few parts of my life again and I am obsessing a little less. Believe me, I know this is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to you.

 

I also think NC is good although I have not been able to achieve that yet.

I am doing as little contact as possible.

 

Things helping me slowly move forward.

 

hanging with friends

working out

reading a lot

getting delayed medical stuff taken care of

trying to live in the moment and not think about the future

having as little contact as possible

doing my best to chase her from my mind when she enters

learning to play guitar

 

Sometimes I am just going throught the motions, faking it till I make it. But sometimes I really do enjoy it. I wish you luck, no one knows how hard this is unless they have been there themselves. You will get through this, life is full of change, some we want, some we don't.

 

This too shall pass.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Rich I have had a drink every single day since it happened mate, not too much in the week but only a couple of glasses of cider and a couple of vodkas, but weekends I go for it big time, I drink heavily Friday, Saturday and less so on Sunday, but hell what are we supposed to do ? sit here doing our knitting or something, the thing that f=cking bugs me the most is that I know she is making a big mistake and in doing so is f-cking up a perfectly good working marriage that most women would appreciate but what can I do, I have logically told her all this ad explained why I cant do any more, I honestly belive with all my heart and faith that it could of been avoided and still could and that really gets my goat because she dropped a bollock big time and it could and should of been avoided, I refuse to give up just yet I don't not fully believe this is what she really wants and I will fight tooth and nail the best I can to save our marriage it means more to me than anything even if it kills me in the process.

[SamH]

Ralf. How are you today? If you really believe there is hope for your marriage then I hope you are strong enough to cope. She needs to see a strong man, if you are a crumbling mess that won't attract her back, it will just make her feel more guilty and sorry for you and that is not how you want her back, just out of guilt, that will not last and you will end up going through all of the pain again. Are you doing any coping exercises? change something everyday, tell yourself your are worthy and make sure you like yourself.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Sam up and down today how are you ?, I am in counselling once a week, don't know what daily changes to make tbh, I don't like myself any more I used to think I was a decent bloke but since she left I can barely look at myself I don't like myself because I feel a fool that my darling wife has left me, she rang me today as we have to take our little boy cat for his annual innoculations but she just sounds so very sad in her voice, this tells me in a small way that this is not what she really wants, I just feel so tired and aching I have dark rings round my eyes and I have lost 2 stones in weight, I just hope and pray that god looks on me and gives us the chace to be a couple again this is my daily prayer, if I could have that chance once again I would die a happy man no matter how long we could be back together it ould bring me peace and happiness I just want my baby back please god hear my prayer

[Richiebuoy]

Morning Ralph, hope you had a good night, may I ask where are you getting councilling ?

[ralfgarnett]

Via a local charity that works locally in our area, I am sure that you will find it in the Midlands, you need to contact your local Mind and they will be able to help you I am sure

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks Ralph, they're sending some stuff out today and I can get an appointment next week......I don't know if it will help but its worth a shot

[ralfgarnett]

Your welcome mate I hope you get some good out of it, tbh I'm not so sure its doing me any good I feel more depressed when I get out than I do when I get there, but its on a monady morning and I hate Mondays anyway so naturally down on that day.

[ralfgarnett]

I take back what I said, yesterdays session was ok, and she highlighted areas of progress that I hadn't even thought of, if nothing else it gives a bit of a boost, not huge but at least tiny positives that weren't there a few weeks ago.

[Richiebuoy]

That's good, I've no idea what they talk about but any bit of help is welcome, they said they would send some stuff out for me to look at and register but nothing has come yet.

[ralfgarnett]

That's good, I've no idea what they talk about but any bit of help is welcome, they said they would send some stuff out for me to look at and register but nothing has come yet.

 

 

I can only speak for my own situation but you get the opportunity to say anything you want to your counsellor about how your feeling hurting etc etc, and she using her experiences is able to interpret a lot of what you are saying and feeling and explain it back to you, that's how I perceive it anyway, basically you have an open forum to cry, talk, think, breath, unload, anything you want that helps basically, I have 3 sessions left I think and the next one is to catch up on what we have talked about and discovered so far, I will let you know how I get on.

[SamH]

Glad you are getting somewhere Ralf xxxxx

[ralfgarnett]

I think that booking and planning for a short break has helped me a bit as it has given me something to focus on other than just thinking that next week will be the same as last week I am really looking forward to the break, anyway less of me how are you doing Sam any news any progress ?

[ralfgarnett]

I saw my wife today, she came round with some nice foils for the kittys, I have been feeling very down all day and I broke down and told her how much I loved her and how special she always has been to me, she was very understanding and listened to me but didn't say she loved me back, though, that would of been like magic to my ears but maybe one day, I am seeing her again Saturday & Sunday and wants to take me out for lunch on my birday, so if nothing else she cares a hell of a lot for me who knows what the future will bring but at least we are on good terms

[ralfgarnett]

last night a small light went on in my head, we were talking because she had peed me off and then something she said hit home, and I realised this is not my fault its her that screwed up not me, she has claimed all along that she told me that she had problems in her head and was feeling un-happy, bs I know damn well she told me nothing she just flew in to a panic and left 20 weeks ago, I told her had she told me about her worries and problems then we would of dealt with them but she never said a word, so I told her in no uncertain terms that she is to blame not me and she has to live with that guilt for the rest of her life, but regardless of whos to blame I'm still hurting through no fault of my own.

 

 

Hi xxxx I hope you had a nice tea, I know I got a bit exitable earlier but can you actually blame me after our conversation ?, as I said I swear to you on my parents memory, ashes, and cemetery plaque that you never ever once flagged up any kind of phrase or statement to highlight in important terms anything ever along the lines of the following.

 

" XXXX, THIS IS IMPORTANT AND YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME BIG TIME, BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT HAPPY ABOUT XXXXX AND IF WE DONT GET IT SORTED THEN NOT ONLY IS OUR 17 YEAR MARRIAGE IN DANGER BUT I WILL DEFFINITELY LEAVE YOU AND OUR 20 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE OVER"

 

Had you said anything like that or similar to the above using any permutation of similar words then you know damn well that I would of sat bolt upright and not only listened to you like a lurcher but I would instantly of started to put right absolutely any aspect of anything at all that you were unhappy about because you know how much our marriage and family life always meant to me, do you honestly think that I would want to live as I currently do having already done it in the past ?, of course not because I already knew from past experience just how miserable it is in every respect and I would of done anything in my power to avoid my situation and had you acted correctly then I wouldn't of risked living one second like this I would of acted instantly with a cold shiver down my spine of what might be to come if I didn't pull my finger out and start to play my part in putting things right for you.

 

You know I'm not stupid and I wouldn't wish this on anyone but you did nothing to give me the chance to avoid this, just think for a minute XXXXX what would I prefer ?, would I prefer a nice home life or a sad lonely miserable home life ?, what do you think the answer would be to that question XXXX ? it's a no brainer really isn't it what would your answer be ?, so by your reckless actions you have left our marriage under false pretences and in doing so you have made life changing choices for the wrong reasons for the 2 of us, I am sorry but that is unacceptable by anyone's standards and now I feel cheated out of our marriage by you, for 20 weeks now I have gone through the mill blaming myself for everything, plummeting to the depths of despair and depression, and feeling ashamed of myself when all along by your own admission this evening it transpires that it was you that has made the major mistake and not me by you not shouting up and not making your feelings clearly known as an adult.

 

So for something avoidable this has seen my life turned upside down for no reason and out of the blue and I am not happy about that and neither should you be, based on that it's clear to me now that this past 20 weeks has just been a totally avoidable yet gut wrenching sham that neither of us should of been involved in or gone through, had you acted correctly as you know you should of done then this entire situation could of been avoided, and we could of been settled in our own home as a family looking forward to a happy secure family future, I knew there was a missing denominator all along in this sorry situation but tonight you have shown me exactly what it is so thank you for showing me the light, even a murderer gets a fair trial but not me it seems a loyal loving husband and family man, I sincerely hope you can live with knowing that from now on.

Edited November 20, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[KBarletta]

^^ ralfgarnett, I could have written exactly these words to my wife. I feel exactly the same way in my head. Though I am in week four, not 20, I have experienced the same thing and had the same thoughts. I had no idea how unhappy she was.

 

- My reaction: If I only KNEW that our entire life together was in jeopardy, things would have been very different on my end.

 

- Her response: You should have known how unhappy I was. How could you not know?

 

I truly believe that if I could go back in time one month and know what I know now, things would be different. But that is only true because if I could do that, I would encourage her to address HER issues head on, not just OUR issues.

 

I have tried to look at this from her perspective and maybe doing that will help you gain some clarity too. She was not happy - not with herself, with you, with any aspect of life. Her dissatisfaction and unhappiness with her life is and was her issue, not something you or your relationship can "fix." Telling her what a mistake she made and how she will regret it and carry guilt for the rest of her life does nothing to solve anything but only makes her feel worse and farther away from you. If that's your goal - go for it. But if you really want to move forward, then let her go, let her work things out for herself and when she does that - maybe - you two can be happy together.

 

That is what I am trying to do. I have gone extremely low contact (we have a child) and have kept every interaction totally about our child. I would encourage you to do the same - go NC, work on yourself, let her do the same and hope she realizes what she is missing as time goes on and she opens her eyes.

 

Good luck!

[ralfgarnett]

Hi mate if you read the thread she was not unhappy with me she is unhappy with her, ok she said a few little things at the time but we sorted those and now she is ok with all that and she knows as with most of her problems they were unfounded, I don't generally do guilt trips but as I put myself on one this past few months and felt so miserable I wanted her to get a feel of it because at the end of the day its because of her I felt that way for so long, can you believe that I have felt so low that I have actually lost 2.5 stons in weight, ok I needed to lose it but there are better ways of doing it than stressing and making myself ill, I just feel so hurt and cheated by this situation that is why I wanted to tell her how opissed I am as I really feel it was avoidable if only she had shouted up, she knew damn well she can talk to me aboiut anything she wants, I might not have all the answers but I always listen so oissed off right now I could chin someoine

[KBarletta]

"she was not unhappy with me she is unhappy with her"

 

Exactly my point. And there is nothing you can do about that. The only thing you can do is let her find her way and you find yours and hope that someday she finds her way back to you.

 

Expressing how pissed you are that you didn't get the chance to talk about her issues (and they are HER issues) only makes things worse. Believe me, I've been there. You're better off letting her figure it out on her own and focusing on your own life for now. No contact seems like the best approach for you, in my opinion.

[chew123]

Guys i hope the best for you. And you have it figured out now. Don't blame yourselves. Go about your business, if they come back great, if they don't you will have a new and different life.

 

And I know it is hard to see now, but you can make your life better then it ever was with or without them.

 

Good luck

[ralfgarnett]

"And you have it figured out now"

 

 

Have I when and how was that then ?

[chew123]

What I meant by that was that you figured out she was unhappy with herself not you, and it was not your fault. Also , it sounds like you have started to turn the corner on being totally depressed over the situation.

 

If I misunderstood what you wrote, I apologize.

[Richiebuoy]

Hi Ralph, your situation is much like mine, if they're unhappy why on earth do they not say so, whatever the cause of the unhappiness it can be addressed if only its known about it.

 

Of course folk cant change who they are but working together people can change the way they do things, approach things in a different way. It least then a genuine chance is given to saving a marriage. I feel for you mate.

[ralfgarnett]

What I meant by that was that you figured out she was unhappy with herself not you, and it was not your fault. Also , it sounds like you have started to turn the corner on being totally depressed over the situation.

 

If I misunderstood what you wrote, I apologize.

 

Hi Chew no problem mate you didn't offend me I just didn't understand

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ralph, your situation is much like mine, if they're unhappy why on earth do they not say so, whatever the cause of the unhappiness it can be addressed if only its known about it.

 

Of course folk cant change who they are but working together people can change the way they do things, approach things in a different way. It least then a genuine chance is given to saving a marriage. I feel for you mate.

 

Same here Rich but they do it becase we are supposed to be able to read their fekking thoughts stupied fekking bithces they are sometimes, but you know what fekking balls to them let them go and fekk themselves, I have today booked my table at a local singles club Chritsmas eve and NY eve gala dinner and disco, on each occasion I will be wearing my dancing trousers and will have with me a large bumper packet of jonnies, I am a good looking bloke in his late 40-s but looks younger, I am intelligent and witty and have always been a fenny magnet, aftrer 20 years lets dust off my tux, put on my disco pants, and lets boogie, fingers croseed I will be stuffing a bird or two this festive period, fancy joining me Rich ?.

 

 

Oh yes while I am on the subject as much as I fekking hayte Chsristmas this year I may have dinner on my own here in Ralf Mansions I am going to cook a goose so big you would think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus, she never fancied goose but I fekking do and I.m going to buy and cook one then spend the next 4 days or so eating goose curry, goose chili, goose fracases and so on and so forth, now at this brief juncture I;m going to make maramalde on toast and was it down with a huge vodka, made quite a few quid today and I deserve it, and so does my goose.

Edited November 20, 2014 by ralfgarnett