Recently separated after 20 wonderful years feel so low lonely and lost

[ralfgarnett]

"Well, my wife is 100 miles away and we don't have much contact so not sure how I'm suppose to show her what she's missing".

 

 

Rich why not paint her a picture of yourself showing her what shes missing with your new found painting skills ?

[Richiebuoy]

"Well, my wife is 100 miles away and we don't have much contact so not sure how I'm suppose to show her what she's missing".

 

 

Rich why not paint her a picture of yourself showing her what shes missing with your new found painting skills ?

 

Because Ralph, I was doing the modelling, thats why I wanted the heating turned up...... but that has got me thinking, I could photograph the artists finished works and send her the one which the artist has painted the biggest .......uummm....smile on...... and send it to her

[ralfgarnett]

Been thinking and just recently I have been feelin very calm, not great but calm and now and then the tears retrun to me, I just don't want o talk to her in any way, I just want to forget about her and not hear from her ever again unless of course she has something worthwhile to say, I don't want to hear or see her on my birday or at csmas she can stand at the door begging to come in to see my kittys but the answer is no unless he wants to try again, the more I think about the way she has treted me the more I could punch her in the gob for the pain and hurt she has cuased to me for no good reason as far as im concerned she is dead I don't want anything to do with any of her family either, good grief whats happening to me I am saying these things and not crying or feeling down or angry could I be healing or is it my new meds that are helpimg me ?

[Richiebuoy]

Dunno but you know you dont mean some of that stuff. I find my feelings can change almost by the hour let alone the days.......

[ralfgarnett]

Been thinking and just recently I have been feelin very calm, not great but calm and now and then the tears retrun to me, I just don't want o talk to her in any way, I just want to forget about her and not hear from her ever again unless of course she has something worthwhile to say, I don't want to hear or see her on my birday or at csmas she can stand at the door begging to come in to see my kittys but the answer is no unless he wants to try again, the more I think about the way she has treted me the more I could punch her in the gob for the pain and hurt she has cuased to me for no good reason as far as im concerned she is dead I don't want anything to do with any of her family either, good grief whats happening to me I am saying these things and not crying or feeling down or angry could I be healing or is it my new meds that are helpimg me ?

 

 

Oh yes I ruddy do mean it else I wouldn't of posted it. I wouldn't punch her or any female manually anywhere I don't do physiaclly violence especially on females it s merely a virtual punch in the gob rich I have my decorum and standards dear boy

[Dobie]

Ralf you sound like a top bloke mate , I read your thread and my heart goes out to you pal ... Glad you are feeling a bit better the anger is good just don't let it consume you mate .

[ralfgarnett]

Also, I know for certain that she wants to come round on my birday next week and xmas day, but what do I do when she rings to arrange the visit do I just say that she's not welcome or I don't want to see her, or that its not convenient or ive changed my mind, I don't really know how to handle that situation, I don't want to be rude or nasty but I want to stick to NC the best that I can in order for me to heal and also in the feint hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder not that I hold out much chance of that either short or long term but hope springs eternal and yes I would be lying if I said I wouldn't welcome a 2nd chance as I didn't deserve to have been cheated out of my marriage, as I said I don't want to be a tw-t about it she is a nice person with a good heart, ok she has hurt me like hell but I still care for her a hell of a lot and I know she cares about me too, so I am thinking firm but fare, but also I know I won't see anyone on those 2 days and its the loneliness that really gets to me am I cutting off my nose to spite my face by not seeing her on those 2 days ?, I think I have the guts to see them through without her but not totally 100% certain about it though, and I have had a bad time emotionally just recently with depression because of all this I don't want to make myself ill again, please advise anyone I am getting a bit confused.

[Richiebuoy]

Well, I know exactly what you mean by the loneliness.

 

You do seemed to have turned a corner, just a few weeks back you would have done anything to get her back ..... now it seems as she wants more contact its making you stronger...... like you've now got some cards to play with, I would be careful, its a thin line you are walking if you ultimately do want her back.... leave the door open, even just a little, don't push her away mate.

[LifesontheUp]

Also, I know for certain that she wants to come round on my birday next week and xmas day, but what do I do when she rings to arrange the visit do I just say that she's not welcome or I don't want to see her, or that its not convenient or ive changed my mind, I don't really know how to handle that situation, I don't want to be rude or nasty but I want to stick to NC the best that I can in order for me to heal and also in the feint hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder not that I hold out much chance of that either short or long term but hope springs eternal and yes I would be lying if I said I wouldn't welcome a 2nd chance as I didn't deserve to have been cheated out of my marriage, as I said I don't want to be a tw-t about it she is a nice person with a good heart, ok she has hurt me like hell but I still care for her a hell of a lot and I know she cares about me too, so I am thinking firm but fare, but also I know I won't see anyone on those 2 days and its the loneliness that really gets to me am I cutting off my nose to spite my face by not seeing her on those 2 days ?, I think I have the guts to see them through without her but not totally 100% certain about it though, and I have had a bad time emotionally just recently with depression because of all this I don't want to make myself ill again, please advise anyone I am getting a bit confused.

 

She left you. So I'm wondering why she wants to see you on your birthday and Christmas. Do you think its right that someone that you love who has done that to you, gets to play happy birthday and Christmas with you?

 

When do you draw the line in the sand so that it tells her its not acceptable to keep stringing you along.

 

NC should mean NC and that's when you get to start healing IMO.

[Decisiontomake]

Also, I know for certain that she wants to come round on my birday next week and xmas day, but what do I do when she rings to arrange the visit do I just say that she's not welcome or I don't want to see her, or that its not convenient or ive changed my mind, I don't really know how to handle that situation, I don't want to be rude or nasty but I want to stick to NC the best that I can in order for me to heal and also in the feint hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder not that I hold out much chance of that either short or long term but hope springs eternal and yes I would be lying if I said I wouldn't welcome a 2nd chance as I didn't deserve to have been cheated out of my marriage, as I said I don't want to be a tw-t about it she is a nice person with a good heart, ok she has hurt me like hell but I still care for her a hell of a lot and I know she cares about me too, so I am thinking firm but fare, but also I know I won't see anyone on those 2 days and its the loneliness that really gets to me am I cutting off my nose to spite my face by not seeing her on those 2 days ?, I think I have the guts to see them through without her but not totally 100% certain about it though, and I have had a bad time emotionally just recently with depression because of all this I don't want to make myself ill again, please advise anyone I am getting a bit confused.

 

Hi RG. I will be spending Xmas day with my H and our family. I will be cooking at our famiky home and also staying over on Xmas eve - in my daughters bed with her - but so that we all wake up under one roof. Some may not agree with what we are doing but for us that's the right thing for this year. I've become less hard and fast in my thinking of what things mean over this 7 month separation. It could be analyzed to within an inch of its life as to whether I should be there for Xmas, as could your situation. My two penneth would be if you wish to spend Xmas with her then do so. If you don't, then tell her what you've said here - explain it exactly to her. If H had said he didn't want me there for whatever reason I would have respected that. Don't focus on what it means blah blah. Do what feels right for you x

[ralfgarnett]

Well, I know exactly what you mean by the loneliness.

 

You do seemed to have turned a corner, just a few weeks back you would have done anything to get her back ..... now it seems as she wants more contact its making you stronger...... like you've now got some cards to play with, I would be careful, its a thin line you are walking if you ultimately do want her back.... leave the door open, even just a little, don't push her away mate.

 

 

Thanks rich wise words mate, the fact you can advise like this means that you are also thinking clearer

[ralfgarnett]

Ralf you sound like a top bloke mate , I read your thread and my heart goes out to you pal ... Glad you are feeling a bit better the anger is good just don't let it consume you mate .

 

Grazzi mate most apprciated

[ralfgarnett]

She left you. So I'm wondering why she wants to see you on your birthday and Christmas. Do you think its right that someone that you love who has done that to you, gets to play happy birthday and Christmas with you?

 

When do you draw the line in the sand so that it tells her its not acceptable to keep stringing you along.

 

NC should mean NC and that's when you get to start healing IMO.

 

 

Grazzi hafna wise words as ever please keep kicking me up the arse and geeing me along, your help is very worthwhile, I am a romantic you are a realist please keep me going in my direction I need someone like you to keep me grounded in the real world

[ralfgarnett]

Hi RG. I will be spending Xmas day with my H and our family. I will be cooking at our famiky home and also staying over on Xmas eve - in my daughters bed with her - but so that we all wake up under one roof. Some may not agree with what we are doing but for us that's the right thing for this year. I've become less hard and fast in my thinking of what things mean over this 7 month separation. It could be analyzed to within an inch of its life as to whether I should be there for Xmas, as could your situation. My two penneth would be if you wish to spend Xmas with her then do so. If you don't, then tell her what you've said here - explain it exactly to her. If H had said he didn't want me there for whatever reason I would have respected that. Don't focus on what it means blah blah. Do what feels right for you x

 

 

Ta very much x

[ralfgarnett]

Hi RG. I will be spending Xmas day with my H and our family. I will be cooking at our famiky home and also staying over on Xmas eve - in my daughters bed with her - but so that we all wake up under one roof. Some may not agree with what we are doing but for us that's the right thing for this year. I've become less hard and fast in my thinking of what things mean over this 7 month separation. It could be analyzed to within an inch of its life as to whether I should be there for Xmas, as could your situation. My two penneth would be if you wish to spend Xmas with her then do so. If you don't, then tell her what you've said here - explain it exactly to her. If H had said he didn't want me there for whatever reason I would have respected that. Don't focus on what it means blah blah. Do what feels right for you x

 

Hi DTM there is no offer on the table for me to spend xmas day with her if only there was it would give me some hope, nope she says she wants to come round for an hour or so to give us our pressies, and she wants to see the kittys and I can stop her doing that which would really upset her and I haven't fully decided if she can see them or not, after all she left us, oh no im just getting breadcrumbs again not a full day on offer.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi DTM there is no offer on the table for me to spend xmas day with her if only there was it would give me some hope, nope she says she wants to come round for an hour or so to give us our pressies, and she wants to see the kittys and I can stop her doing that which would really upset her and I haven't fully decided if she can see them or not, after all she left us, oh no im just getting breadcrumbs again not a full day on offer.

 

Hmmm that's a difficult one. You could perhaps suggest doing that on Xmas eve or boxing day. Close enough to give pressies etc but also making a small stand that Xmas day is not the time to do that. Just a thought. The holidays will be hard this year for anyone going through this kind of thing.

 

I spent the day with H and our family yesterday. He still wants to try for R. I am so torn. And yes I know I need to reveal my A if that were to be a potential course for us. I told him yesterday there would be more pain before healing if we were to go that route. I'm not just referring to my A in that but also the work we would need to do to get our dynamics right so that we were both in an M we wanted.

 

It's all screwed! I come home tomorrow tho . A whole 10 days in the Uk for which I cannot wait!!!

[ralfgarnett]

Have a good trip DTM, and if your up near Manchester give me a shout, I can buy you a coffee and apologise in person to you for my previous much misguided remarks

[Decisiontomake]

Have a good trip DTM, and if your up near Manchester give me a shout, I can buy you a coffee and apologise in person to you for my previous much misguided remarks

 

Water under the bridge RG. I'm a typical southerner - don't venture north of the M25. Lol

[ralfgarnett]

And you wont catch me going any further South than Watford unless of course I'm flying to mainland Europe.

[LifesontheUp]

I remember spending my first Christmas on my own, around 7 months after our split.

 

I could have gone to family if I wanted, but I just didn't feel like doing that, after all I wasn't exactly good company and it was me that wanted the divorce. So it was me and the dog I didn't make a dinner (hate cooking lol) but I bought some stuff that I really like from M&S and had myself some luxury food.

 

By the evening, I'd taken the dog for a beautiful walk down the beach, and just put my feet up in front of the TV. While sat there I realised that it was only another day, just like many others and I'd survived. In fact, I'd actually enjoyed not having to rush out, organise and cook for everyone else. I just did what I wanted.

 

What I'm saying is don't put any pressure on yourself. You don't have to see your wife during this time if you don't want to. Though if you do, its going to be hard on you - every bit of contact picks open that healing wound.

[ralfgarnett]

Many thanks LOTU that's very good advice and I will certainly return to that nearer the time, I do like cooking and am pretty good at it, so I will cook something suitable for one person and have a few glasses of wine I think, many thanks again you have given me something tangible to think over.

[ralfgarnett]

Ok she contacted me this morning wants to come round over the weekend to see us for an hour probably with a bag of breadcrumbs for me, I haven't had any contact with her for over a week now and I don't want to break my NC but not sure if I should reply and say its not convenient or just ignore her, and she wants to take me out for lunch next week for my birday thinking about just ignoring that too even though it would mean some company on my birthday I am prepared to not contact her for the good of the NC long haul please can somebody advise as feeling a bit confused and worried that I will be forced in to breaking NC and at the end of the day NC = NC

[whichwayisup]

NO to the bday lunch! NC is NC.

[ralfgarnett]

NO to the bday lunch! NC is NC.

 

I know this I just need to get my head around it but I will, I think that I am just going to keep ignoring her I know its rude but its the only way forward for me for my birday and csmas, some people have sad send her a quick polite reply saying not convenient etc but that is contact no matter how small and I am training my mind to think that NC = NC 100% am I thinking correctly ?.

[Justanaverageguy]

NO to the bday lunch! NC is NC.

 

I have to agree with whichwayisup on this. NC means just that. At the moment she is drip feeding you little pieces of her time which is just enough to keep you hooked - just enough to keep you coming back for more - just enough to keep your wounds open. What you probably don't realize is she needs this drip feeding just as much as you do. She is slowly trying to ween herself off the attachment she feels for you and this is part of that process. I've said it in a couple of threads before but ending a relationship is like ending an addiction. Only this time the addiction is to a person. Like a smoker giving up cigarettes she is just sneaking one every now and then to get her by. She wants to see you on your birthday as much as you want to see her - you need to use that to your advantage.

 

There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. I would say no to both the Xmas and the Birthday. I would respond politely and simply say that you have made other plans and don't feel it would be good for you to meet with her and leave it at that.

 

I know guys in your position feel like that is closing the door on her. That you are ending any chance of reconciliation - but its actually the opposite. At the moment you are allowing and enabling her to slowly over a long period of time end the relationship and ween herself off seeing you. The drip feeding is actually the worst thing you can do. Its easier for the smoker to give up if they reduce the amount of cigarettes they smoke gradually over a long period of time before completely quitting. By saying no you are letting her know that you wont settle for drip feeding or bread crumbs anymore. If she wants to see you then she has to commit to more then breadcrumbs and you need to let her know that.