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Recently separated after 20 wonderful years feel so low lonely and lost

ralfgarnett

By ralfgarnett,
in Separation and Divorce

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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"I would respond politely and simply say that you have made other plans and don't feel it would be good for you to meet with her and leave it at that".

 

 

This is where I get confused and I expect many people do too, if I reply as above then that is C as in C-ontact but everyone says NC i.e. No Contact, as NC makes the dumper think, and makes the dumpee cold, aloof, myserious etc, so which one is it to be ? getting very confused now my head cant take too much of this at the moment, even you posted this earlier.

 

 

" NO to the bday lunch! NC is NC."

 

 

But now you are proposing contact

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Justanaverageguy

Justanaverageguy

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"I would respond politely and simply say that you have made other plans and don't feel it would be good for you to meet with her and leave it at that".

 

 

This is where I get confused and I expect many people do too, if I reply as above then that is C as in C-ontact but everyone says NC i.e. No Contact, as NC makes the dumper think, and makes the dumpee cold, aloof, myserious etc, so which one is it to be ? getting very confused now my head cant take too much of this at the moment, even you posted this earlier.

 

 

" NO to the bday lunch! NC is NC."

 

 

But now you are proposing contact

 

Yeah sorry I get why you are confused. NC technically should be No Contact at all.

 

There are really 2 strategies normally discussed on this board which sometimes get confused. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. "The 180" which is a set of behaviors to switch the power balance in your relationship and essentially make you seem more attractive to your partner. Withdrawing from emotional discussions and making you seem happy and like you are moving on and making it without your ex. That's normally what I advocate for people who actually want to save their marriage - these are the types of things I advised Richie yesterday. Then there is the NC strategy which is really a moving on and healing strategy. Its to help people essentially break the attachment to their ex - but sometimes can also result in your ex being drawn back to you as you withdraw from them though this is definitely not guaranteed.

 

I know from reading your thread that you do want reconcile with your ex. As such after 6 months of "limbo" where you have been doing the exact opposite of everything in the 180 strategy I personally think it is a good idea to hit the reset switch and let her now that things have changed before doing a complete NC. (Some people may disagree here) But I would implement a mini 180 if you will to rewrite the rules of how your interactions will work going forward. I would respond to her email and set ground rules on what interaction you will accept with her going forward before you start NC. This actually puts you back in control of the situation so you are providing her the conditions under which you will speak to her. She is no longer deciding when and how she sees you. Breadcumbs are no longer an option.

 

As part of this if you do want to reconcile I would honestly tell her that in a very direct but polite way. Tell her she has made the decision to leave the relationship - If she was willing to put 100% effort into working on salvaging the relationship then so are you - but as she is not you have made the decision to move on with your life. Unless she wants to recommit fully say you have decided you no longer wish to discuss personal or relationship matters nor have any face to face contact. Tell her you have made other plans for Christmas and your Birthday and do not agree to meet with her. I would also advise her that in the near future you will be contacting lawyers and will be moving forward with divorce proceedings. Then start no contact for real. Keep it simple and polite but also direct.

 

In future if she sends you one of these notes to catch up for bread crumbs - completely ignore it. She knows why. You have set clear and explicit boundaries of how you will interact with her. You have not shut the door on her completely - you have just let her know clearly that this limbo and breadcrumbs BS is not going to fly any more. If she wants to save the relationship - your willing but only if she fully commits.

 

Honestly I think you wife would seriously not know what the hell just happened. For the last 6 months she has been the one in control. She has been choosing when and how she interacts with you and you have accepted what ever she has offered no matter how demeaning. You need to stop that - make her remember you are a strong man who has standards and a backbone. That you are moving on with your life without her. If she wants to see you its only on your terms - which is only if she fully recommits to the relationship.

 

Seriously you are a funny guy Ralph. I have laughed my ass off at some of your posts on here and I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who would think the same. You need to make her remember that if she waits too long ..... you will be gone :) At the moment she just see's you waiting and thinks she can take as long as she wants.

 

The worst result of this process is if your wife chooses not to come back - the NC process you implemented after that email will allow you to heal and move on. That is still better then the slow death of a limbo separation.

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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Ta mate I have always been a people person always had loads of mates and birds around me until recently, but with regards to situation I am more confused now than ever I am doing a 180 / NC thing for myself or at least I thought I was, I think I might take up dogging instead, might be difficult though as she has the car but I have my bike, is it possible to go dogging on a bike ?, maybe if I bought a tandem I could go dogging especially if I took both saddles off it might get us both warmed up pre coitus, look my head is getting fooked I appreciate your big post said the actress to the bishop, but I need a pint and a meat pie it always sorts me out, will reply to your post later best I can dependant on the freshness of afore said pie of course.

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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Hi Richie I have always wanted her back it has never been doubted, but what I and she want at the moment are 2 different things, been feeling very low today tried to have 30 minutes snooze on th sofa earlier eand I woke up thinking he was stood in front of me in er beautiful wedding dress I felt as though she was really there and had come home to me, I reached out and she was gone, I woke up cried again then put a couple of crumpets under the grill, welcome to my scintillating world, grilled crumpets, lots of tears and a ghost wife, I feel like ending it there is no point any more I don't honestly want to live without her I see no point, even at night when go to bed I dream of us and our happy times I just don't want to be here any more there is no point I just pray that very soon god takes me in my sleep, there is no point any more life is next to worthless without her in it, why do you ask Richie ?.

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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Only because you have increasingly been saying about NC which as i understand it is when your resigned to the fact that there wont be a reconciliation and NC is the start and part of the healing process.

 

Perhaps Minimal C would suit you better if you still hope to get her back ?

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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NC either helps to get em back or helps you to heal best you can, take aread of the 180

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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She has really wound me up, last night I was just getting ready to go out and I got a knock on the door, it was our friend and she had a bag of presents and cards from my wife, she felt that I wasn't talking to her so she sent my pressies via our friend, what should I make of this ?, they have all gone in the bin and her card wripped up, to me its a cop out and suits her as she doesn't obviously want to meet up today for my birthday, right now I am so annoyed with her for her stupidity and her actions in every way, I honestly feel like shaking her in to life for all this and telling her to wake up and realise what she is doing, I think I am starting to dislike her for her actions, all this goes to prove is her total lack of communicational skills, what should I do now ?, should I e-mail her and tell her that I am annoyed with her, or should I thank her for the pressies and cards ?, or should I just do nothing, stay in NC and see what happens ?, so confused today bit hung over which isn't helping my mindset, she had talked about us going out for lunch but that is obviously not going to happen today now which is probably for the best.

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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But she sent prezzies and a card, it shows she cares, and don't forget your NC has probably confused her ........ talk to her Ralph

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Day.One

Day.One

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Much as i feel your pain, "they have all gone in the bin and her card ripped up" was a mistake.

 

Do you want to reconcile or not? If you do, then NC is big fking mistake. As I almost learnt to my cost.

 

If it's not too late, get the presents out of the bin. And reach out to her. I get the impression she wants you still. But take it slow, take it easy. Don't get into the past, leave it alone for now. You need to build your relationship back up, get it stronger before you 'get into it' about who said/did what.

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Justanaverageguy

Justanaverageguy

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Confusing everyone has their own opinions - I don't think reaching out to her now is the right move. She has to realize that you will no longer settle for bread crumbs. That's the point - you deserve better then that and wont put up with her indecision any more. What she offered here was token at best ... sending a friend with presents. Why should you reach out to her after that ?

 

For the last 6 months you have been accepting these breadcrumbs. She offers you a taste - you readily accept and reach out to her - and where did it get you ? Its an endless cycle - you accepting then her pulling away again.

 

I don't say no contact - but no contact until she comes to the reconciliation table with more then breadcrumbs and presents via a friend. She has to be willing to commit more then that. I think by going NC for a little while you have started to turn the tables a little so she is now the one thinking .... Oh **** I might lose him. That's what you want. Don't completely shut her out ... but don't put up with the breadcrumbs anymore.

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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Happy birthday Ralph, (I did start a thread but its been moved). I think prezzies and a card and offering to take you out for a meal is a little more than breadcrumbs, she obviously wants to make you happy and to be with you at least on your birthday and maybe more so i believe there is something here worth working on.

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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Happy birthday Ralph, (I did start a thread but its been moved). I think prezzies and a card and offering to take you out for a meal is a little more than breadcrumbs, she obviously wants to make you happy and to be with you at least on your birthday and maybe more so i believe there is something here worth working on.

 

 

Thanks Richie im so flaming confused that I don't know what too do any more, NC, LC, FULL C, my head is ruddy well mashed I cant take all the confusion any more

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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Hang in there Ralph, whatever way this goes we both know that it will get better, we just don't know when...... hang in there mate

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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Hi Rich im here mate, off to Spain in the morning so not having too late a night tonight, will probably head up to bed around 9-30 as flying early tomorrow but will wait to hear back from you, are you ok mate any news ?.

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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Ah good your ok. No news here sadly....... anyway have a great holiday and don't do anything I wouldn't do..... which means do what the hell you like....have a good un mate :)

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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Morning Richie how are you coping this weekend mate ? hope all is ok with you, chin up Monday tommorow

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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Hi Ralph, I actually went out last night. A bunch of us went dog racing at Peterborough. It was a good night, with a fiver on a mut in each race I was the only one to make a profit at the end of the night, albeit just a tenner.

 

Its the first time I've been out socially without my wife. I was kept quite busy and occupied with a race every 15 minutes so it wasn't to bad...... I'm not sure how I would have been otherwise.

 

Anyway, hows you and Espania ?

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Decisiontomake

Decisiontomake

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Hi there gentleman. Another holiday RG - good on you! I hope the señoritas shake their maracas at you ;). Just thought I'd say hi and hope that you are both doing well on the run up to what will undoubtedly be a "different" Christmas for us all this year.

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Richiebuoy

Richiebuoy

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Well, it certainly will be different, sad and lonely for me all though I'm going to my daughters on Christmas day but it wont be the same.....

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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morning both, spain is fine ta not massively warm but nice enough to walk round in a jumper and jeans, glad you enjoyed the dogs rich I have felt like ive been going to the dogs since july tbh, yes not looking forward to csmas myself it will certainly be an odd one for the 3 of us but we will get through, dtm have you decided what your doing yet regards the marriage ?

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ralfgarnett

ralfgarnett

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Hi Richie never mind me, im so sorry to hear that mate but I know what you mean I had a crap birday myself last week, and been talking to her earlier and it wasn't pleasant she is starting to get on my tyts a bit, she just talks utter shyte these days and never did before I told her that too, a bit of me is thinking about starting D

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