Author ralfgarnett Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Struggling really badly missing her very badly keep looking and holding various things from our past 20 years together please help me I don't feel as though I can carry on much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Dobie Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Ralf is there anything you can do to keep you busy pal? I'm at my worse , at home bored . Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Ralph your just having a bad day ..... well, I say "just" but I know it can seem like hell at times. The other day you were feeling better, even talked about D-day..... and now your in a mess again, just like me, we're both up and down..... Hang in their mate, you/we will get through this....I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Dobie, the same here, evenings and weekends are worst for me, I've tried everything to distract myself, walking, cycling, films, tv radio, music etc and its really hard, these things help a bit but just for a short while. In the last few days I've started reading a lot, I was never a big reader but I'm quite enjoying it now, mainly biography's and being in the xmas season there's plenty about.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 (edited) Ralf is there anything you can do to keep you busy pal? I'm at my worse , at home bored . Drrinking to keep me busy im at home bored too, had a bad day recently branched out in to consultancy and had my first appointment this morning but the client postponed due to illness at the last minute so all my plans went out of the window so spent the morning making soup at home for local OAPS until such time as I could cook dinner and have a few beers myself, I hate my life and don't want to be around much longer don't see the point, she will get the house and property and that suits me, if I knew it was quick and painless I would go up I see no point any more I had it all now got nothing. she was my life, my morning, my night, my light, my dark I hope that god takes me away had enough now and losing fight, I have enough tablets here to kill a dinosaur maybe its time foe this dinosaur to leave. Edited December 19, 2014 by ralfgarnett Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I hope your feeling a bit better this morning Ralph..... are you still on hols or back home now ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 Hi Richie still feeling very down and yes back home now having a bacon butty and pot of tea but its not perking me up, I just feel as though I have next to nothing to live for, I loved our home life more than anything ever and it all feels so empty lonely and pointless now, but I expect that you know exactly what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Richiebuoy Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I know what your saying, my own house which was not long ago filled with life, love and what I thought was happiness is now a cold lonely place and I'd rather not be here, but have no choice, at the moment. I had started to convince myself that it wasn't so much her but our lifestyle I was missing and that she could be replaced...... but I don't think that's the case now ....... its so confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dobie Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 (edited) Dobie, the same here, evenings and weekends are worst for me, I've tried everything to distract myself, walking, cycling, films, tv radio, music etc and its really hard, these things help a bit but just for a short while. In the last few days I've started reading a lot, I was never a big reader but I'm quite enjoying it now, mainly biography's and being in the xmas season there's plenty about.... Ralf I see x's and love a lot like an obsession I was totally focused on her and us all the time my present and future were all about "us" what would we be doing this weekend , what would we be doing or working towards in 6 months or 6 years . My time and thoughts for the most part were about those things . My point being with that gone I feel adrift .. There is a vacum ... Part of healing for me at least is finding a new obsession to take all my time and thoughts . Have you got a project or something you really always wanted to do ? Something to work towards and bury your thoughts in? Use that and the anger let it build embrace it ...how dare they dump us who do they think they are the cheek!!! How dare they make us hurt after we have loved and cared for them !!! How dare they leave us here with the mess they made !! Embrace the hate but don't let it consume you . Edited December 20, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 No projects no anything just me, 2 kittys, and no future for myself, I miss her in everything I do and I mean everything but don't we all ?. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 Guys They always want people to help out feeding the homeless over Christmas. If you really can't stay at home, why not volunteer to help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 Already tried that and not CRB registered and they said I couldn't be processed in time, instead I have been making pans of soup and taking it to local Oaps Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted December 20, 2014 Author Share Posted December 20, 2014 If this past few months has taught me anything it is the empty pain of loneliness, it's all consuming, a dark damp blanket of cold endless pain shrouding everything, every move, every thought, causing a stifling vacuum that makes you feel as if you are drowning in your own mind and thoughts, loneliness is icey cold, sinister black, empty, all consuming, indiscriminate of age, of anyone, young or old, big or small, male or female, it engulfs the last rays of daylight and darkens the anticipated relief of the following dawn taking that privilege from you, loneliness is destructive, disruptive, silently violent, and affects ones daily routine as a disability disrupts ones ability to move, it is invasive, painful, all consuming, suffocating, smothering, once that door is closed loneliness is your unwanted companion until such time as you can try to escape it's boney grabbing clutches, but there is no real escape, this invisible grinning sinister enemy has you where and when it wants you and violates your mind body and soul with it's evil form, it stalks you as a hunter stalks his prey waiting to pounce to smother, slash, and stifle, it knows it has you where it wants you and calls time and time again to violate you with abandon and there is no defence against its suffocating advances, day after day regardless, it lurks waiting for the time to come to invade again those many spaces that it makes it's unwelcome home, so as we yet again approach the season of greed and gluttony, please try and stop for a second and think of those people not so fortunate, those people for whom their only companion is loneliness, old people, young people, scared people, the weak, the needy, all have one thing in common as all they will consume is loneliness, their only gift is loneliness, and when the glittery trinkets and baubles have long since been forgotten and put away for another year, their old friend loneliness will still be around 24/7, 365 days a year to make their lives a living hell come rain or shine without discrimination from winter to winter and beyond. You have an empty feeling that comes from within You long to share your feelings but no one will listen, You reach out for open arms, but no one is there Your tears start to fall but nobody cares, You pick up the phone, again, no one is there You feel overwhelmed again nobody cares, You hide in your bed to escape from your pain So you don't see those who aren't there for you again, The cold flames spark inside you and heat up your fear Your thoughts are so dark, your days are so drear, Emotional fires burn up in your head Fires of love, and pain, of loss, and regret, Consumed in your blackness, bit by bit you slowly start to fade away Your once bright blue sunny skies have turned to clouds of darkness and grey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 Today would of been my mums birthday, I have received an nice enough e-mail from my WS as follows below, but should I reply ?, I haven't instigated contact with her for weeks now and don't really feel the need to do so but I am polite and like to think that I do things correctly, but if I reply then that puts the ball back in her court with regards C or NC, or is this just becoming a silly game of emotional tennis with both of us trying to be the winner and gain the upper hand ?, anyway here is her email. "Hi @@@@ Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today and of course your mum, as it would have been her @@th birthday. . Take care @@@@@ " Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Today would of been my mums birthday, I have received an nice enough e-mail from my WS as follows below, but should I reply ?, I haven't instigated contact with her for weeks now and don't really feel the need to do so but I am polite and like to think that I do things correctly, but if I reply then that puts the ball back in her court with regards C or NC, or is this just becoming a silly game of emotional tennis with both of us trying to be the winner and gain the upper hand ?, anyway here is her email. "Hi @@@@ Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today and of course your mum, as it would have been her @@th birthday. . Take care @@@@@ " I think a simple "thank you" would suffice. As you say, you are polite, and that's what you would do in normal circumstances to someone offering that sentiment. Just my two penneth. Hope you're OK and that the New Year has started OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Say nothing. She is engaging you in mental tennis torture. Take the number out of your phone. Or completely get another number. NC is NC. Plus, it is dang weird to offer birthday regards for a dead relative, even if you are happily married, much less in a depressing divorce situation. Good luck with that. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Ralf, have you considered contacting her and inviting her out for coffee or something? Someplace casual and quiet? Not to be confrontational with her but to just talk about how she's doing, and to see if you can get some answers as to why she left you. You really do deserve answers. Also, I know it's the English way for most men to be passive but maybe you could borrow from an American chapter and do something assertive and pro-active. Did you know that women like to be chased and pursued? It makes them feel like you really, really care about them. It has been a long time now since she left. I think there's a part of her that misses her life with you, but something is making her hesitate. If she agrees to see you, frame your questions in such a way that you know it's over but, for future relationships, ask her where you went wrong. See if that stirs some conversation. Also, be prepared to mostly listen to her, and don't be defensive about anything she says. Just grin and say 'yeah, I do that'. People like to know that they're heard and that what they say matters. I think you can get her back but don't act desperate. Even if she turns you down, be cheerful and say, "ok, maybe you'll feel differently next time I ask." I say, be gently persistent. She may not be aware that you really love her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Say nothing. She is engaging you in mental tennis torture. Take the number out of your phone. Or completely get another number. NC is NC. Plus, it is dang weird to offer birthday regards for a dead relative, even if you are happily married, much less in a depressing divorce situation. Good luck with that. Yas Hi Yas thanks for your reply, at this time divorce is not even an issue, I too am cynical at times but I interpreted the message as letting me know she was thinking of me on a sad day but also that she was remembering my mum in a respectful manner as I do her father on his birthday, she and my mum were friends for over 10 years and were very close, I don't think she was wishing my mum a happy birthday beyond the grave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Ralf, have you considered contacting her and inviting her out for coffee or something? Someplace casual and quiet? Not to be confrontational with her but to just talk about how she's doing, and to see if you can get some answers as to why she left you. You really do deserve answers. Also, I know it's the English way for most men to be passive but maybe you could borrow from an American chapter and do something assertive and pro-active. Did you know that women like to be chased and pursued? It makes them feel like you really, really care about them. It has been a long time now since she left. I think there's a part of her that misses her life with you, but something is making her hesitate. If she agrees to see you, frame your questions in such a way that you know it's over but, for future relationships, ask her where you went wrong. See if that stirs some conversation. Also, be prepared to mostly listen to her, and don't be defensive about anything she says. Just grin and say 'yeah, I do that'. People like to know that they're heard and that what they say matters. I think you can get her back but don't act desperate. Even if she turns you down, be cheerful and say, "ok, maybe you'll feel differently next time I ask." I say, be gently persistent. She may not be aware that you really love her. Hi BTR thank you too for your reply, I will think about your points and will reply later I would be grateful if you could look over my answers and give me your views. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Say nothing. She is engaging you in mental tennis torture. Take the number out of your phone. Or completely get another number. NC is NC. Plus, it is dang weird to offer birthday regards for a dead relative, even if you are happily married, much less in a depressing divorce situation. Good luck with that. Yas yup this she is being selfish. she is fishing. she has put a maggot in front of you. You dumb enough to bite?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 yup this she is being selfish. she is fishing. she has put a maggot in front of you. You dumb enough to bite?? probably yes, I am so battered and bruised so lonely that I would take crumbs right now, I feel broken and lost and feel as though I am losing my self respect as I feel so scared and depressed, its 6 months tomorrow and not sure how much more of the pain I can take the loneliness is tearing me apart Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I don't think she's being purposefully cruel. She's not being purposefully anything. Easy magnanimity is pretty effortless for a person in her position. Take it as a nice gesture meant to stroke both of you and carry on taking care of you as best as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 probably yes, I am so battered and bruised so lonely that I would take crumbs right now, I feel broken and lost and feel as though I am losing my self respect as I feel so scared and depressed, its 6 months tomorrow and not sure how much more of the pain I can take the loneliness is tearing me apart You WILL survive. Almost every one of us has been at a place where the idea of ever feeling any other way, every getting over someone, felt hopeless verging on absurd. We do heal. Life does come around again. There will be a time when thoughts of her lose almost all their present power. It's virtually certain, beginning with acceptance and given time from that. Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 probably yes, I am so battered and bruised so lonely that I would take crumbs right now, I feel broken and lost and feel as though I am losing my self respect as I feel so scared and depressed, its 6 months tomorrow and not sure how much more of the pain I can take the loneliness is tearing me apart well time to pick yourself up don't you think?? 6 months is a short time but its long enough for you not to be a 'crumb eater' look .write down. pin it to your wall. the 180 read nofoolins guide...its pinned in the coping section d/l Homer's save your marriage pdf and read it 100 times Link to post Share on other sites
aMguilts Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 and ralf the longer you chose to wallow in self pity the longer you will feel 'lonely' no one is stopping you from getting up off your arse and going out and having fun...are they?? aM 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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