Recently separated after 20 wonderful years feel so low lonely and lost

[aMguilts]

and tomorrow when you sober up ?

aM

[ralfgarnett]

Aye up AM, well I run my own business so will more than likely finish around lunchtime and go for a few pints of best and mild and a big plate of sausages and mash, what plans have you got for tomorrow old boy ?

[Pickmeup]

So sorry for your pain. I too am going through a split after 20 years and like you was fed up of everyone saying someone else was involved. I know my H was not in a good place when we split in May this year, he wanted space, he was depressed. He had morals, wouldn't lie, didn't agree in having affairs etc. I still believe he wasn't seeing anyone else at the time of our split.

 

But his behavior as changed over the months that followed, he was acting differently and I could tell he was lying to me, you can just tell. What hurts the most is I gave him the opportunity to tell me but he couldn't, so today I got my proof, I went to her house asked to go in and shouted for him to come downstairs - at first she denied he was there but eventually he came down and faced me.

 

I know it's not him, he is in a bad place. Life is full of crap at times, he unfortunately has chosen this way to end his marriage which was in a rut but we were still best friends, we did everything together. Still I cannot feel anger, I know him too well, I know he has to be in a sad place to act like this, he didn't want/mean to hurt me and I know his guilt is now hurting him more.

 

Still I have what I need to move on now, to get a grip and pick myself back up from this.

 

Dig deep, find strength you can get through this. Look after yourself and when the fog clears for her she may well see what she has lost and come back to you but you cannot put your life on hold. Do things that you enjoy, surround yourself with friends and family, happiness will return one day.

[ralfgarnett]

Dear Pickmeup, thanks for what you have said I feel your pain also you deserve much better than that and yes so do I, I have no immediate family left and most of my friends are more wrapped up in their family lives than to bother too much with me, so I guess apart from my lovely 2 cats and one or two close friends that I am alone in the world and will be for the foreseeable future if not for the rest of my life which I hope will not last too long.

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks Ralph for your generous offer of bird stuffing this Christmas and I have to say its very tempting but in all honesty as yet, I'm not interested in other women, I'm sure i will be and probably soon but not just yet.

 

Chin up mate

[ralfgarnett]

Me neither mate just the thought of it turns my stomach, I was using carry on film Christmas puns to lighten the mood, I am going to the do though as I am b'ggered if im sitting in this house like billy no mates or the ruddy ghost of xmas past, I am going with a mate, there is a nice dinner on it is a posh place and it will be nice to get talking with others in my position both male or female preferably the latter but im keeping my trollies on at both events, I would like to add in the words of the great Albert Ladysmith Steptoe

" I have always been a true crumpet man no worries there mate"

Edited November 21, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[ralfgarnett]

For the first time in many years I actually went out in to town last night, had a couple of very nice beers, went for a very nice Ruby Murray, had a couple of brandys, then we walked up to another local pub that we used to hang about in many moons ago and there was a disco on and I got a few kisses and cuddles from some very pretty well worn girls that I knew back then and it was very nice indeed to feel a nice slim ladies waist in my arms again, but then on the way home the reality struck and I started feeling a bit twitchy as I felt as though I had gone backwards 20 plus years but im not 29 any more and I came home to an empty bed with no lovely cuddly wife in it, but I did it, I got on with it, I gave the kittys their bedtime biscuits, I got in to bed listened to Irish radio for a bit it always reminds me of my mum and dad and holidays as kids, and listeneing to the diddly didly and haunting pipe music I felt my eyes closing and next thing I was in the land of nod, I had a lovely dream that I was being punted down the river Cam on a lovely sunny Edwardian summers day probably pre WW1, today I'm going for a walk in the park, then a couple of lunchtime pints, then got a nice homemade cottage pie for my sunday dinner that my mother in law sent me up, and then the best I can I am going NC for as long as it takes.

[Richiebuoy]

NC is going to be difficult as your in regular contact with her......you sure this is the way to go ?

[ralfgarnett]

NC is going to be difficult as your in regular contact with her......you sure this is the way to go ?

 

I know nothing any more, we had a walk round the park earlier and it was lovely, she wants to come round Thursday wtf am I supposed to do ?

[Richiebuoy]

I dunno, it sounds likes she's still interested, or, is she just trying to be kind to you ?

[ralfgarnett]

I dunno, it sounds likes she's still interested, or, is she just trying to be kind to you ?

 

If only I knew mate, I would have her back like a shot no worries on that score, but I wouldn't have her move back in for a good while though, chance would be a fine thing if only I had the opportunity

[Richiebuoy]

I know what you mean. I have had no contact with mine for the last 9 or 10 days and yet she text tonight about a trivial matter...... well, I gave up on analyzing texts but it does seem a bit odd.

[ralfgarnett]

I don't think I will ever understand what has happened mate, still in shock as I know you are, not had a great day today its counselling first thing Mondays and it kind of takes its toll a bit on me, thinking about a few days in the sun in the next few weeks hoping it might perk me up a bit, how have you been today Richie ?

[Decisiontomake]

Gentlemen, I wonder if I might ask a question of both of you. Do you both feel you fare better when your W's do not reach out or contact you? Would you rather they stay completely away so that you're not left wondering what their contact means etc - and for them to do their back and forth in their own minds/space, without involving you in that?

 

 

RG - you know a little of my story ;-). Richie, you may not. But I am coming from the WS perspective, so it is with some trepidation I ask the two of you this question, as I know I represent for you both a female who has done what your W's have. So, with that said, I will understand if you don't wish to enter into communication of this nature with me, but thank you if you do.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi DTM its good to hear from you and I will happily enter in to dialogue with you on the topic, but just one thing I need to make clear is that my wife has not been seeing anyone else so a different scenario than your own, give me a few minutes so I can asses your questions

[ralfgarnett]

Ok I get what your asking, yes I like hearing from my wife, I love her so I would do, does it open my wounds not sure but I don't think so, I had the very same conversation with my counsellor this morning, the way I look at it is that you have to be in it to win it, meaning without a lottery ticket you cant win the lottery, if I completely cut her out then she is as good as dead, but if we keep some kind of contact then that gives me the chance in my own time to re-connect in the hope that she does to, look I have had a couple of vodkas but does that make sense DTM, right over to you, why do you want to know and what do you think of my "business plan" ?

[Decisiontomake]

Ok I get what your asking, yes I like hearing from my wife, I love her so I would do, does it open my wounds not sure but I don't think so, I had the very same conversation with my counsellor this morning, the way I look at it is that you have to be in it to win it, meaning without a lottery ticket you cant win the lottery, if I completely cut her out then she is as good as dead, but if we keep some kind of contact then that gives me the chance in my own time to re-connect in the hope that she does to, look I have had a couple of vodkas but does that make sense DTM, right over to you, why do you want to know and what do you think of my "business plan" ?

 

Thanks RG. Yes it makes sense and I think that's what my H is doing. He knows if he cuts off then it's likely game over. At the moment our contact is fairly regular and we see each other at least once a week - my grandson lives at the family home so I go to see him. Part of me wants to cut the ties to give him time to really assess but I admit that I find his company comforting and familiar and easy and I need to work out if that is because there still something thete for us to build on or whether that's merely history and the love I have for him as a person at play. I think you're doing the right thing.

[Richiebuoy]

I'm ok Ralph, weekends seem the worst time for me, I'm not sure why.

 

As regards contact, I have found it mostly helps but some calls have been upsetting. I know some will say its just dragging it out but I'm not ready to close the door, its just how i feel.

[ralfgarnett]

I'm ok Ralph, weekends seem the worst time for me, I'm not sure why.

 

As regards contact, I have found it mostly helps but some calls have been upsetting. I know some will say its just dragging it out but I'm not ready to close the door, its just how i feel.

 

Weekends are mostly pretty crap for me to, look you have to follow your own heart and your own feelings, if you don't want to close the door then don't, in fact take it off the hinges until such time if ever you are ready, its your door, your door frame, your hinges, and its even your very own knob.

 

 

Everyone goes on about NC and yes there is probably something in it, but if at this moment its not for you then don't go NC, I understand the concept of NC don't get me wrong but its ruddy hard to carry out when you have been coshed over the head with your own heart especilally when the person who coshed you is the person with whom you entrusted your heart too in the first place, you know what Richie I believe in god I think, but not exactly Billy Graham, but earlier today I went to our church where we were married and I knelt at the alter and I prayed for her and asked god to show me the way to forgive her and that's what I have done I have forgiven her for the pain she has caused to me for apparently no good reason, on a lighter note I have been asked out for a drink by a blond Polish bird, I might go just for the sheer fun of it, but the thing that tickled me the most is that all I need now is a static home and I will be the new Alan Partridge aaaahaaaaaaaaaa, "Thanks Sonja that was classic sexual intercourse "

 

 

Look mate here's what we will do one weekend when or if you feel up to it, you live in the Midlands right ?, I live oop near Manchetser, if you want we can meet roughly half way maybe Stoke, Congleton, Stafford, Wolves or Macclesfiled that kind of thing and we will meet in a pub near the station for a few beers and a natter, I know your not a loony and neither am I so if you want let me know and we can take it from there maybe we could become good mates but you can tell me if you would like to do that, I have always liked pubs next to stations for some reason, I think it goes back to my footy watching days all round England with my then love of my life the mighty @@@@@@@ @@@@@@ FC

Edited November 25, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[ralfgarnett]

Right here we go again, we were talking about something earlier and I asked her outright if has any plans to divorce, the answer was no, so I pushed my luck a little more and asked her if she still loves me, I don't know she says, so its not a no but not a yes either wtf ?, DTM please translate women speech for me will you please, better still what should I say ?. she is coming round Thursday and I want to say something along the lines of, look name if we could find a way to salvage the past 20 years would you go for it ?, DTM please can you help me ?, I hope that I'm not building my hopes up here but have I got a shot at goal here ?, if so anyone please help with where to go from here.

Edited November 25, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[Decisiontomake]

Right here we go again, we were talking about something earlier and I asked her outright if has any plans to divorce, the answer was no, so I pushed my luck a little more and asked her if she still loves me, I don't know she says, so its not a no but not a yes either wtf ?, DTM please translate women speech for me will you please, better still what should I say ?. she is coming round Thursday and I want to say something along the lines of, look name if we could find a way to salvage the past 20 years would you go for it ?, DTM please can you help me ?, I hope that I'm not building my hopes up here but have I got a shot at goal here ?, if so anyone please help with where to go from here.

 

Hi RG - my H has asked if I still love him to which I have always replied "yes", because I do. During any discussions we've had regarding our options of moving forward (which have swung from talking of R to D), I have always been honest with him (other than revealing my A) regarding my confusion on this aspect. I've told him we can remain in limbo (which is painful) at the moment, with the advantage that we let whatever happens evolve naturally OR we can make a decision now to D, with a view that it is final in and of itself, but that nothing is truly final - meaning that we could do that to aid some kind of closure now and see where our lives take us. Each woman will be different in how they communicate, and also how they make that decision based on their own feelings. It's hard because I know that having my H there as an option, still loving, still waiting, and asking me to come back does make it easier for me to stay in limbo - as counterproductive as that is. I'm not sure if I'm helping, or talking in circles! During IC my therapist constantly talks of being as authentic as you can be - so if you want to say those things to her, express your feelings in that way then do it. You cannot control another's reactions though and building up hope for one answer or another may leave you disappointed. Either way within that you can only work through your own reactions to each step. At some point you may decide enough waiting is enough, or you may be "happy" to continue down the limbo path you're currently in because you want to keep the door ajar. I know you've said there isn't another man involved, but I am going to ask if you're 100% sure on that? I'm not intimating your wife is doing that, but by my own experience, and the many you read on here, it's not outside of the realms of possibility.

[BetrayedH]

The 180 is your best shot.

 

Your begging (aka, asking if we have any chance, etc) does you a disservice and makes you less attractive. A woman cannot love a man that she doesn't respect.

 

You should be aloof and interesting, not pleading and desperate.

[Decisiontomake]

The 180 is your best shot.

 

Your begging (aka, asking if we have any chance, etc) does you a disservice and makes you less attractive. A woman cannot love a man that she doesn't respect.

 

You should be aloof and interesting, not pleading and desperate.

 

I think a hybrid approach given RG's feelings and circumstances right now would work. For example, if my husband showed me he was getting his act together, taking care of himself, building a life for himself (not necessarily dating etc, but just working on himself) and still showed me he had open arms for our M, well that might be the magic ingredients.

[ralfgarnett]

"I know you've said there isn't another man involved, but I am going to ask if you're 100% sure on that?"

 

 

Yes I'm sure, look I appreciate your input but I don't want to go down that whole load of is she or isn't she b-ollox again that Richie went through.

[Decisiontomake]

"I know you've said there isn't another man involved, but I am going to ask if you're 100% sure on that?"

 

 

Yes I'm sure, look I appreciate your input but I don't want to go down that whole load of is she or isn't she b-ollox again that Richie went through.

 

 

Ok - sorry RG - I don't know what Richie went through, and will take your word for it!