Sad Flower Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Ok ladies just out of curiosity I decided to start this post....... What was the reason or reasons MM gave for cheating on his wife?? My MM would divulge alot of information about his wife, but I never responded or asked questions even if I was curious because I didn't want him to think I was interested at all! Here are a couple of gripes he made..... ~wife was lazy ~wife was bitchy ~wife was always questioning if he was cheating ~He said he flat out just didn't want to be with her ~all she was worried about was money ~she was never happy always wanting something else than he had to offer So I think to myself, were these the reasons he cheated, he said they were......ladies what was your MM's gripes..... Link to post Share on other sites
dimplz824 Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 We were friends for 2 years before A, so we both knew each other's M were not good. But both of us had the same gripe. Just not in love w/ them anymore. And we felt incredible mutual attraction, not just physically. At first it wasn't even about the sex. It was about our feeling like we were soulmates. It was about us not feeling like we do about each other towards anyone else in our lives till now. Jerry McGuire said it best when he said - "you complete me" and we both feel that we do. We have given each other life when we felt dead inside. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 We were friends for 2 years before A, as well he would call come around we would talk when we met she was preg he'd been with her for 5 years (i think )not married yet he felt insecure nobody else would want him she belittled him then she gets preg so he felt he couldn't leave after kid came she began pressuring for marriage his dad was never around and he didn't want same for child he even came to talk to me before he got married should i do it? Stu pied me says only you know what's best for you then one day he comes by &tells me about a room he rents in another state because of work do i want to go &hang out ? well next day A began , i just figured a 1x thing i was in love with him he wasn't happy but as he told me recently after the 1st time he was hooked on me!! at that time right after making love actually(lol) he told me he wasn't leaving he wasn't happy but he was comfortable . so i don't know it just kind of become something a relationship(i know not normal) and you look up one day &here you are you got me thinking !! were not talking now except on IM i broke it off until he leaves , anyway great topic!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 so he wasn't look'g for a reason to cheat on his W - he wasn't even unhappily married. He has never said a bad word about his W or his marriage - only that he thinks it is mediocre as compared to a "good marriage". In fact, i know he has a certain amount of love for her - just not the type of love that is satisfy'g - they have known eachother since they were kids (they grew-up around the corner from ea. other) - they have a kind of love that happens when you've known someone for such a long time - is this their problem?? I don't know. That is something i love about MM - he has never justified our being together by putt'g down his W. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 it occurred to me that there might be be no real "reason for cheating", other than wanting sex or something else lacking in the present relationship. all these things i've seen here seem better suited to answer the question "what are the reasons for breaking up with the person you're with so you don't just cop out and cheat?" Link to post Share on other sites
CaughtUp Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Same here he has never said one thing against his W. I think its one of the things that I respect about him. If that is weird enough for you all. OK GOING TO GET REALLY WEIRD: I mean he goes out of his way to take care of her first and as painful as that can be for me it draws respect from me in a weird sort of way. Its almost like hmmmm say if he had a harem or we go back to biblical times for you moralist and she is the first wife. Boy can't wait till I see the responses for this one!! Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 H didn't have the A until he filed for a D, what he says. He told me he filed for a D b/c he knew he wasn't making me happy and wanted me to find someone who did. But he also said the OW paid more attention to him. I admit, I didn't pay much attention to H. Maybe I would of if he was home more and treated me better. He was always gone playing sports or drinking w/ his buddies. I worked 12 hours a day and when my day was over I was still expected to do every day household chores and take care of our children while he was w/ the guys drinking. I was too busy being a mom, and taking care of the house to pay attention to him. Yes, I could of taken some time out to pay attention to him but when I did try he would say he was too busy watching tv, errrr! I couldn't win w/ him so I finally just gave up. I know the OW gave him more attention, she had time to. She paid attention to him at work (they worked 2gether). She spent more time w/ him when they were at work than we did. He wasn't ready to give up his friends, he wasn't ready to be a husband, he wasn't ready to be a father, he wanted a wife, and kids, but he wanted to do whatever he wanted also. . I think once he lost me he realized that he did want to be a husband and a father. I guess you could say that the A has improved our M. It made him realize what he had lost when we were gone. Link to post Share on other sites
CaughtUp Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 You can't blame yourself for the A. That A was between your H and that woman and it was a decision that the two of them made and you could have been June Clever and it may have still have happened. Before I was an OW I was a Cheated on W so take this for what you will. We can't control other people and their behavior and Hs and Ws are not property like a cars or bikes that have no will of their own and that can be stolen and therefore we are not solely responsible for what happens to them. They are humans just like us they have to make decisions for themselves. If you don't lock your car and it gets stolen that may or may not be your fault but if you don't wash the dishes often enough and your husband has an affair well he decided to have an affair because if he was committed to the relationship he would have helped with the dishes not stepped out. It has nothing to do with you. Now are there things that the two of you could have done to strenghten your relationship? Maybe, I don't know I wasn't in your relationship but the thing is it it would have had to have been both of you one person can not carry a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Thank you, CaughtUp. What you said made sense, and I agree. My counselor also told me it wasn't my fault that it happened. He told me H chose to have the A and nothing I did or said made him do it. And if our M was good would he had still had the A? I really don't know. Guess I can't change the past and think "what if?" Can I ask you why you became the OW when you knew the pain an A caused you when you were a BW? Did you know the MM was M when you became involved? I guess when you don't know the W it makes it a lot easier to be the OW. I know it did for me when I was the OW when I was involved w/ a man in a CR. I didn't know her, all I knew was her name. I didn't care he was in a CR b/c I wasn't the only one he was sleeping w/ so thought it must of not been that serious. Plus I was in love and only thought about my feelings and not hers. Not to mention I was only 18 when it started. I hate being the OW though b/c when we weren't 2gether he was w/ her and I wanted to be her. Sorry if that question is too personal. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 my MMs reason? there were probably a lot that he could have given me, but the biggest was that he really did sincerely think his marriage was ending last summer. yes, he jumped the gun a little and admitted that to me... that he obviously wasn't as free as he had thought he was. W had told him for quite some time that when their youngest left home that she was done, gone, and the marriage was over. i don't think they'd really functioned as H & W in ages. he told me that he had always thought that marriage was for better or for worse but that the only thing he felt like they were sharing was watching their marriage die and he was tired of trying and having her not try as well. so we'll see if they make a go of it this time..... Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Well, when I asked my MM about why he was cheating (I asked him this when I realized he was married, we had already been seeing each other for months) he said, "well, things aren't honky dory." No joke. When pressed, he said that nothing he ever did was enough for her. He takes great pride in being a good father, gets to work REALLY early so that he can be home right when they get home from school. He makes their dinner, bathes them, reads them to sleep. He's the one who gets up in the middle of the night when they are sick, etc. He also takes great pride in being the man of the house - the big bread winner, keeping the house nice, updating it/remodeling/moving to bigger-nicer houses, etc. Despite this, she complains that he's not doing a good enough job...and not in the husband department, but in the "man/father" department. He's never said anything about HER specifically, just how she makes him feel. I know he doesn't get what he needs from her, because he's touched if I even thank him for something, because he's SO not used to ... APPRECIATION. That's the word I was looking for. He didn't feel appreciated by his W as a husband/father, as a man, as a provider, as a care giver, etc. So when he ran into a great gal that truly admired him and APPRECIATED everything about him, he fell...hard. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 he said: she doesnt appreciate him she isnt interested in ANYTHING she doesnt understand anything all she talks about is money he cant win he's always in the wrong he feels like he's been married forever its funny someone said about admiring the mm for the way he treats w, well i had the same thing, he would totally protect her from everything, thats where i found myself thinking "ah, a reeeal man (sigh)" and then realising that he didnt/ wouldnt totally protect me from anything! either because i didnt have the status or because he just didnt care Link to post Share on other sites
CaughtUp Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 hmmm how do I explain myself..... Well first when I got involved I thought he was single and I was sooooo in love at that point that I would have done almost anything for him. Now why did I stay? 1. Because I care so deeply for him. 2. I feel that love is one of those odd things that happens in odd ways so I kept telling myself (and continue to tell myself) that I have found HIM and if I just hang in there if it is meant to be then it will work out. Not to sound like a romantic fool, but truly deep in my soul I feel that if I have to wait out the natural life of their marriage(meaning that one of them dies at 102 or something) I can do that. Unlike some of the women on here I feel no hurry for him to end his marriage I would love for him to be here now, but rushing him to leave someone else that he may care deeply for isn't going to strengthen anything between us. I'm not angry at him (angry at the situation? yes!! at him? no!!) I don't see him as underhanded or manipulative. He has never hinted that he might leave his W to be with me. Being the cheated on W before I would have LOVEEDD if my H had just told me he didn't want me anymore instead of letting me try thing after thing after thing to make it work. I guess I can be too rational about things in some situations but sometimes its best to cut your losses but you have to know that the race is over before you can do that. So I guess I've kinda projected those feelings that I had onto his W. Yes I see that it is faulty reasoning but there you have it. Right now the only thing that I can see changing my course of action is if HE tells me that he wants nothing more to do with me short of that happening I will always be "here". I had a long drive today and I realized that even if he told me that I will probably never marry again unless by some miracle there is a single carbon copy of him or someone better who comes in my life because other than that I can't see caring enough about anyone else to be able to take the vows with because my MM will always be in my heart. Anyone that I see as "less" than him will always have to deal with the fact that if 50 years down the road if this man shows up at my door I would leave them in a heartbeat. I think how unfair it feels that someone who seems so perfect for me isn't going to be in my life and then I think NAHHHH the fates are not that cruel. I wouldn't have the connection that I have with him and I will be ok with (hurt but ok) just knowing that he is happy and healthy until we can truly be together. If he decides that he doesn't want to be with me then sure I'll go on have other men in my life but I can honestly say I can't see feeling like this for anyone else so they will all be stand-ins.... Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 My MM cheats because he likes the extra attention outside of the marriage. He also likes the freedom of knowing that his attractiveness to other women is not completely over now that he's married. In a way, I think he feels like a high school boy who is out enjoying girlfriend, when he's with me. When he goes home to his wife, it's like going home to momma's nurishment, kindness, love and understanding. He never want's to part with his wife. But he also knows that girlfriends come and go. Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 he said he liked me and cared for me and found me irresistible. But it was those unspoken words that told me his reasons. You know those reading between the lines....he he maybe i was reading in a wrong way!?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 actually ...I think i might have. and I won`t even try to analyze it anymore bc it isn`t going to get me anywhere. what would be the point??? He is not with me anymore isn`t he. Maybe it is time to start reading a new page? Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Good to hear that. Just keep going. Link to post Share on other sites
OtherWoman Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 The MM and I worked together and had an immediate connection. I was married too. At first it was just talk about kids, then it progressed to work, then we complained about work and then we began complaining about our spouses. Very smooth, very natural progression, which made it seem like it wasn't an A. It's hard to explain. But what I can say is that our complaints were EXACTLY the same. If you've ever heard of "love languages" before, then you will understand that my husband wasn't speaking my love languages and his wife wasn't speaking his. Our marriages were dying but then we found one another. It didn't even occur to me to ever file for a D because I was so unhappy and then suddenly I found happiness again. Someone posted earlier that it wasn't her fault her H had an A. I agree. But A are not the cause of bad M, their the symptom of it. My H and I had stopped trying. I know I'm going to make some people mad here when I say it but in all honesty I never really chose the A, it just happened. I know that does not make it right and I am so, so sorry for the pain I've caused my H but I there is not just a moment when I said "I'm going to have an affair." The reasons for our A was that our spouses did nothing but criticize us, were never close to us, always griped about money, didn't have the same interests (we both loved working out and reading, etc.), and we didn't feel emotionally or physically connected. For those of you still in A, it's been a year and a half for me and I'm just now getting over it. My H and I have worked out our problems, but it was hard to get over my MM because the connection was so incredible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad Flower Posted March 15, 2005 Author Share Posted March 15, 2005 WOW Ladies..Interesting to hear all the different reasons!! Link to post Share on other sites
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