husband is considering divorce!

[Mumof2]

I have been married for 5 years and we have 2 beautiful young children together. My husband just told me the other night that he was really unhappy in our marriage and is contemplating divorce. I am beside myself and want to do anything possible to save our marriage and keep our family together. I begged, cried, and pleaded with him to not give up on us yet. He said he's not sure if there is anything that I could do at this point as there ha been years of resentment on his end. Since having children we have drifted further and further apart and I admit the stresses of adult life has brought out the worse in me. I want to do anything in my power to fix things now. He also said that while he loves me he no longer is in love with me. He said he felt stuck and was unhappy with the issues that are not resolving. After hours of talking things over he has agreed to give me a chance to change and even is open to marriage counselling. He said ideally he would want things to work out but doesn't know if there's anything left to rekindle. I am heartbroken and will do anything at this point to save this. We have had this conversation a couple days ago and I have been tearful around him, seeking reassurance and constantly wanting to talk about it. When I do bring it up it seems to make it worse and push him away..what should I do to show him that I will make a 180?what do I do next?

[oldshirt]

I have some questions and comments below in bold -

 

 

 

I begged, cried, and pleaded with him to not give up on us yet.

 

 

stop doing that. That gives gives him power to make all the decisions and allows him to take his sweet time doing it. As contradictory as it sounds you need to do the opposit. You need to become cool, calculating and businesslike. And you need to set goals, objectives and boundaries. Look up "the 180" and start doing that so he does manipulate you and string you along.

 

 

 

He said he's not sure if there is anything that I could do at this point as there ha been years of resentment on his end.

 

(What has he stated his "resentments" are?

 

 

He also said that while he loves me he no longer is in love with me.

 

for women, this almost always means that there is someone else. It would certainly raise the alarm for men too. If you have asked him if there is someone else, he will invariably say no. Don't take his word for it, start looking for evidence of a 3rd party. Hack his computers and look through emails, Facebook etc, go through his phone for pictures and txts, check phone records for phone calls, check credit cards and bank accounts, get a GPS tracker for his car or even phone. Get a voice activated recorder and put in his car (cheaters talk to their AP in the car)

 

 

I love you but not in love with you (ILYBNILWY) also means they have lost attraction and desire for you. Be honest, have you put on a lot of weight and started wearing sweats and stretch pants? Have you lost interest in sex with him and haven't go for weeks or even months on end without sex. When you do have sex do you just lay there and look at the clock and tell him to hurry up?

 

He said he felt stuck and was unhappy with the issues that are not resolving.

 

 

you are hiding something - what are the issues?????

 

After hours of talking things over he has agreed to give me a chance to change and even is open to marriage counselling. He said ideally he would want things to work out but doesn't know if there's anything left to rekindle.

 

this means he has post-break up plans he doesn't want you interfering with. What are those plans?

 

 

I am heartbroken and will do anything at this point to save this. We have had this conversation a couple days ago and I have been tearful around him, seeking reassurance and constantly wanting to talk about it. When I do bring it up it seems to make it worse and push him away..what should I do to show him that I will make a 180?

 

again this this seem contradictory but you need to do the opposite and show him that you won't be walked on, won't accept his terms and will stand up and fight for your rights and assets in a divorce and that you will move on and live happily ever after without him. You need to show him that he will have to conform to your demands if he doesn't want to get taken to the cleaners in a divorce and that you will be the one that comes out smelling like a rose.

 

 

what do I do next?

 

stop sniveling and whining. Stop begging. Start coming up with firm boundaries. Get a lawyer ASAP (as in today or tomorrow) and start coming up with divorce strategies and information.

 

Get into counseling.

 

Start doing a good faith effort to find evidence of another woman. Don't ask again, he'll only say no again. Find the truth for yourself. Don't let him know you are looking or he'll only destroy evidence and go further under ground.

 

 

See above

[Yasuandio]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS 100%! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Get that proof, and be totally cool, keep your lip zipped. If you let on, you'll never know, and never have access to evidence.

 

The VAR is for your own information, tell no one that you are doing that, and do not ask permission. No, you cannot use it against him. It is not legsl to tape a person unless you are present. But it is your car right now, so screw it. Gather the intell - and keep the "leads" to yourself, or bring them here.

 

once you have enough evidence, you can put a professional on the trail, if attorney thinks it is necessary, This all dependsvon the amount of money and assets you have.

 

Right now, you have to face the music, that your husband is engaging in an alternate arrangmrnt with someone or someones.

 

And I know what you are going to say, oh, nit my husband, blahm blah, some reason. Noone ever wants to believe. Your husvand has the CLASSIC, TEXTBOOK, MO. End of story. Honey, Ivr been there, even had "really ugly, hard to swallow" evidence in my face, and still - my mind wouldn't allow me to believe the obvious for a couple years.

 

Listen to Oldshirt to the letter. Get that attorney lined up. Start reading 180 under Crital Readings thread pinned at top of section. Everything will be OK. Yas

[PegNosePete]

When someone comes up with this kind of stuff out of the blue, there is almost always someone else involved. The other signs of this such as the ILYBNILWY, the vagueness of the reasons and the refusal to try again, also point to this. Of course he will lie, lie, lie if you ask him straight so you should find evidence on your own as suggested above.

 

Time to lawyer up, even if it all gets sorted out, it doesn't do any harm. First consultation is free so no reason not to get professional legal advice for your situation.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

Edited October 7, 2014 by PegNosePete

[No Limit]

The bastard cheated. Get a lawyer, protect your children should he become nasty during the time until your divorce is finalized. Don't fear the idea of being divorced, embrace it, or else you'll be at this idiots' mercy.

[texas143]

If he is having an affair, and decided to leave you, he is wrong, but there is not much you can do. You can fight for him if you love him. You can also fight him, but it will add nothing to your life. Being revengeful only hurts yourself, and reassures him he is making the right decision to leave you.

 

He might not even be having an affair, maybe love is just gone. It's super sad, but again, you have to think on you and your future. Fight for him, but don't fight him, unless you have to (for assets or kids)

[Bluesandy]

I love you but not in love with you anymore... Yeah.. remind me my wife when she left me... apparently she said they were no other man, but after one month, I discovered it was to go with another man.. her boss.... 23 year of marriage and 3 girls.. so sad.. Good luck to you... keep cool, don't wine, it will make it worse, be cool, kind... not sure what to advise you, no contact, or being distant... Nothing worked for me.. so....

Only revenge for me, after 4 months, he beat her cause he was too jaleous, so they split, and after that, she went with 2 other guys, and they left her after a couple of months only... good for my sel esteem ;-)... meanwhile, I have met a wonderful girl and I am with her for 7 months...

Sometimes you think life is predictible.. it is not... even after a long time together...

Good luck too you. I am with you in that very sad time...

André

[whichwayisup]

I want to do anything in my power to fix things now. He also said that while he loves me he no longer is in love with me. He said he felt stuck and was unhappy with the issues that are not resolving. After hours of talking things over he has agreed to give me a chance to change and even is open to marriage counselling. He said ideally he would want things to work out but doesn't know if there's anything left to rekindle.

 

So let's just assume (sorry, storybook situation, when a spouse says that, usually there's someone else on the side) affair.

 

You have two choices here.

 

Kick him out and file for divorce immediately.

 

Go to marriage counseling and try to work together to fix things. BUT, with that said, you BOTH let 'life and kids' get in the way and you two stopped being 'husband and wife'. Do not let him put this all on you. You BOTH have to change, not just you. Why has he spun this to make it your fault?

 

For the sake of your kids and 20 years together, you two owe it to them and to yourselves to give it your best. IF there is no affair and he's just unhappy then there's a good chance this can be fixed. IF there is someone else, it's going to be a lot harder.

 

Ask him outright if he's met someone else and to be honest, no lies, no denial, no bullcrap.

Edited October 7, 2014 by whichwayisup

[Mumof2]

I guess I should have given more details as to the circumstances that have led him and I to where we are. There is zero chance that he is cheating. He has his phone lying around the house at all times, he gives me his phone anytime I've even taken it for a full day here and there. I have all his passwords to Facebook email etc. What he is upset about has been my behaviour toward him. I am not supportive of his passion which is rapping. The reason being is it takes time from his family, he is around ppl I don't approve of. Pot heads etc. He wants to take this all the way which means he would go on tour for possibly weeks at a time. This is just one example. I can be jealous at times, hot headed, harsh and just a naggy wife. He has told me he feels suffocated. But I feel I don't get enough quality time with him which seems to push him away more which fuels my negative attitude. I feel his family, me and the kids are not always his priority. I also told him I was speaking to a male friend and talking about our problems. I told him if I was worried I was starting an emotional relationship with this other man. Looking back now it was a major cry for attention. I was hoping to spark something in him to maybe want to work on our connection. He said all these things have over time made him unhappy and that he is thinking of divorce. I feel guilty and awful to have let things get this bad. He is a great person a loving caring person and I have pushed him away. I admit that he has put up with a lot of crap from me but I never thought divorce was ever on the table. I wanna make a change. I'm worried it's too late though

[Tayken]

When someone comes up with this kind of stuff out of the blue, there is almost always someone else involved. The other signs of this such as the ILYBNILWY, the vagueness of the reasons and the refusal to try again, also point to this. Of course he will lie, lie, lie if you ask him straight so you should find evidence on your own as suggested above.

 

Time to lawyer up, even if it all gets sorted out, it doesn't do any harm. First consultation is free so no reason not to get professional legal advice for your situation.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

It was me that told the ex that I wanted out, and I can assure you that there was / there isn't nobody else. Like you though, she pulled the "someone else card" but I just ignored her Chinese whispers.

 

Yes she didn't like it and made the threat that I'll pay for this, but I was already steps ahead of her....she got served on my birthday, and it was only then she knew I was serious.

 

I am NOT saying all this to be a heartless b**stard or anything, but when you live with someone that never apologizes, never admits to any wrongdoings even when it's blatant, and not willing to work as a team, you have to take actions, and that is exactly what I did.

 

I can tell you that as someone that likes to do research and being organized, it was no problem for me filing, documenting and prep'ing materials. If I take the family law bar exam tomorrow,I will pass with flying colours. I spend my free time helping other men and women save on lawyer cost by showing them how to do some of the work by themselves.

 

Lawyers don't scare me, and I proved that by making them look like a fool at times.

Edited October 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

I guess I should have given more details as to the circumstances that have led him and I to where we are. There is zero chance that he is cheating.

 

never think that. The one think that all the betrayed spouses here have in common is they all said those exact words before finding the truth themselves.

 

 

 

 

He has his phone lying around the house at all times, he gives me his phone anytime I've even taken it for a full day here and there.

 

two words - burner phone.

 

 

I have all his passwords to Facebook email etc.

 

 

you think you have the passwords to all his emails/Facebook etc. it takes about a whole minute to create a new account. Install a key logger program to his computers. That will show not only what he is emailing but also if he is on any dating or hook up sites.

 

What he is upset about has been my behaviour toward him. I am not supportive of his passion which is rapping. The reason being is it takes time from his family, he is around ppl I don't approve of. Pot heads etc. He wants to take this all the way which means he would go on tour for possibly weeks at a time. This is just one example. I can be jealous at times, hot headed, harsh and just a naggy wife. He has told me he feels suffocated. But I feel I don't get enough quality time with him which seems to push him away more which fuels my negative attitude.

 

guys don't leave their wives for this.

 

 

 

I feel his family, me and the kids are not always his priority

 

 

red flag - that means a good chance someone else (or the freedom to pursue someone else) is.

 

 

. I also told him I was speaking to a male friend and talking about our problems. I told him if I was worried I was starting an emotional relationship with this other man. Looking back now it was a major cry for attention. I was hoping to spark something in him to maybe want to work on our connection.

 

 

another red flag - the fact he didn't react to that strongly indicates it's because he was involved with someone else himself.

 

 

 

 

He said all these things have over time made him unhappy and that he is thinking of divorce

 

 

the only times men divorce their wives when another woman is not involved is when the wife is a nonremorsefull cheater who is continuing the affair(s), when she has denied him sex for years or is horribly addicted to drugs/alcohol. Do any of those other circumstances apply?

 

 

 

 

. I feel guilty and awful to have let things get this bad. He is a great person a loving caring person and I have pushed him away. I admit that he has put up with a lot of crap from me but I never thought divorce was ever on the table.

 

the only men that don't put up with a lot of crap from women are gay guys. Any chance he is gay?

 

 

 

I wanna make a change. I'm worried it's too late though

 

See above.

Edited October 8, 2014 by oldshirt

[stillafool]

Of course he wouldn't use anything that he knows you have the passwords to. No one is that stupid. It does seem like theres someone else in the wings. Keep your mouth shut about it but start looking I can almost guarantee you it's (evidence) there.

[Tayken]

@OP....even if there is someone else, the only thing that does is grant you divorce quickly. You are not going to make someone that doesn't want to be with you remain with you.

 

If there are kids involved, CS will be paid according to the arrangement in place. Equalization will be done 50-50 i.e. house might have to be sold, and other belongings divided equally.

 

If you decide to go with a lawyer like some are telling you to, you will have to pay for it out of the kid's college funds, and depending on the state, alimony might have to be paid for a certain period based on the earnings, and who played what role during the relationship.

 

If that man is any wiser, he will get himself a combination safe, and lock all his documents in there as one of the many preventive measures in circumstances like this.

[No Limit]

I told him if I was worried I was starting an emotional relationship with this other man.

 

 

Well, okay. I'm afraid you shot your own marriage dead then. He must have really cared/really cares about you that he hasn't packed his things the day you said that, I know if my partner ever suggested cheating on his part I'd be gone in the moment he ended the sentence.

[PegNosePete]

And I know what you are going to say, oh, nit my husband, blahm blah, some reason. Noone ever wants to believe. Your husvand has the CLASSIC, TEXTBOOK, MO.

Good call.

 

There is zero chance that he is cheating.

OP, he is cheating. He has a 2nd pre-pay phone that you don't know about. He has a secret email account. Etc. It's not difficult to get those things especially when he's throwing up such a good smokescreen to distract you and make you think he's telling you everything.

[stillafool]

. I told him if I was worried I was starting an emotional relationship with this other man. Looking back now it was a major cry for attention. I was hoping to spark something in him to maybe want to work on our connection.

 

Notice he didn't spend more time with you even though you said you were worried that you are starting an emotional affair? This is a classic sign that he is out of love with you. If he cared about this OM getting close to you he would spend more time with you to prevent it. His attention is someplace else or on someone else. Hey, but keep telling yourself there's no one else.

[Mumof2]

Wow really don't think coming on one of these forums where a vast majority of ppl are pissed off at their cheating exes was a good idea. I know this man well he is not cheating and he loves me and more importantly he is still here still trying and wanting to go to counselling. He came home from work today for lunch because he just wanted to say hi. These are not the actions of a man who is through with his marriage. I know he loves me he's just hurt. We both are. What we need now is a non biased non judgemental mediator to help us get back on track. I thank u all for ur two cents but I will be deleting my account. Not at all finding the support I was hoping for out of this discussion group.

[lollipopspot]

I am not supportive of his passion which is rapping... He wants to take this all the way which means he would go on tour for possibly weeks at a time.

 

LOL. I'm not supportive of his passion either, unless he's as talented as eminem or Chuck D., and even then he needs to make his family a priority. You have kids, you lose freedom. Period. How does he envision his role as father?

 

If you decide to go with a lawyer like some are telling you to, you will have to pay for it out of the kid's college funds, and depending on the state, alimony might have to be paid for a certain period based on the earnings, and who played what role during the relationship.

 

Of course IF a divorce is imminent she should get a lawyer to advise her, as there are children. It costs what it costs.

 

What we need now is a non biased non judgemental mediator to help us get back on track.

 

I hope he agrees to this and that it works for you

[Yasuandio]

I guess we will see you when the cows come home to roost. We were only trying to help. We are all here for you if you find yourself in need. We got big shoulders at LS. Been there, done that. We are not pissed off, or angry, merely have vast experience and recognize established patterns that are repeated time and time again, as per events reported on this site (eventufally). Good luck to you, Yas

[oldshirt]

Wow really don't think coming on one of these forums where a vast majority of ppl are pissed off at their cheating exes was a good idea.

 

 

 

 

I have neither cheated nor been cheated on in my 19 year marriage. I am just relating the facts I have seen played out countless times.

 

 

 

 

I know this man well he is not cheating and he loves me and more importantly he is still here still trying and wanting to go to counselling.

 

 

then why are you saying he is saying he wants a divorce?

 

 

 

 

He came home from work today for lunch because he just wanted to say hi. These are not the actions of a man who is through with his marriage. I know he loves me he's just hurt.

 

 

what is he hurt about??

 

 

 

 

We both are. What we need now is a non biased non judgemental mediator to help us get back on track.

 

 

 

 

That is what marriage counseling is.

 

 

 

 

I thank u all for ur two cents but I will be deleting my account. Not at all finding the support I was hoping for out of this discussion group

 

 

 

 

I didn't find the support I was hoping for either when I first came here - I found the information and advice I NEEDED.

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

See above in bold

[Misadventure]

Oldshirt and Yas are spot on. Please read what they both said. I think alot has much to do with him NOT just you.

 

There are also ways to get around not being caught" if he knows what you will look for and look at.

 

This is the time to STOP the begging and pleading, no one wants that least of all someone who left. I say this with kindness because I did the same thing. I was pathetic, I cried, I begged, I pleaded...and I proved how deluded I was.

 

What makes his so great that you need to do this and get on your knees and beg like a lapdog?

 

Nothing.

 

Your dignity is lying on the floor begging to be picked up and re-introduced to you, grab it. Make the decision to LOVE YOU.

 

That starts with knowing what you will not lower yourself to do.

 

I know it's hard.. you think that one tear will really get to him.. that if you only "let him see" how much you love and need him, he will change his mind.

 

No..what it will do is show him why he needs to leave even faster.

 

Is he seeing someone else? he may or may not. You may think you know him well enough that he is not seeing someone.. but you didn't know him well enough to know he would leave like this.. do what he is doing..saying what he is saying...see him for what he is doing and saying.. now what you believe him to be.

 

I don't know if he is or not seeing someone but just like many said.. that line is the classic #1 line of "I am poking someone else". (or at least talking to and presenting a whole new alternative fantasy and reality).

 

Please read the recommended reading on the forum- it helps.

 

This is going to be a process.. you will hurt... but you will also find yourself too.

[Mumof2]

Husband is coming around. He has told me he is committed to working things out. We are affectionate with each other, we are seeing a counsellor tomorrow and him and I are both hopeful that things will be OK.