The best words of wisdom I can give

[darlinginfrench]

At 27 years old and having trawled the internet for advice on break ups, bought the E-Books and followed them to the rule, and implemented all the dating advice the world has to offer, I can now look back on the last 11 years and tell you with some certainty where it got me.

 

Absolutely NOWHERE.

 

When dating, I would refuse to contact them first. I would take hours to reply to their messages so not to be too “keen”, but it made no difference. If a man liked me, he liked me, If he didn’t, he didn’t. If you really like somebody, you don’t mind if they reply to your text within 10 minutes rather than 10 hours. And if you don’t like them, it was never really going to work. Sure, their being keen may push you away quicker, but really that’s a good thing. Like ripping the plaster off quickly rather than using a slow painful process to get to the same result.

 

During break-ups, I would instigate the no contact rule, telling myself that a “magic” 30 days would help me to get over someone. That may be true in the circumstances of cheating or abuse where there is no way back and the trust is gone, but in more menial break ups, ones which could have been salvaged, more often than not it just caused more problems on top of the ones we already had, namely a lack of trust and communication, which may, indeed, bring the person sniffing back out of curiosity, but certainly won’t make them stay long term.

 

At the end of the day it’s all games, and games are for entertainment purposes. This is not a soap opera, it is life. You are not an actor, you’re real. Actors pretend to be somebody other than themselves. You shouldn’t.

 

My advice? BE YOUR BEST SELF. Use your COMMON SENSE.

 

Treat your dates, your partners or your break up like you would that with a friend. Do you worry if your friend doesn’t reply to your message immediately? No. Do you call your friend 100 times a day if you have a disagreement? No.

 

When you’ve sent somebody numerous messages in a row and they haven’t replied to any, are you being your best self? NO! Have some respect for yourself for goodness sake! Use your COMMON SENSE. Leave it be until your emotions are under control and you can deal with any negative reactions more positively.

 

Basically, do what you FEEL like but ONLY when your emotions are under control.

If that means taking a day, two days, a week, maybe more without contacting somebody, FINE, as long as it’s what you FEEL like. But don’t follow rules. Follow your BEST SELF.

 

Only you being your best self will attract an ex partner back, and only you being your best self will leave you without “what if’s” if you both decide to move on.

[me85]

We should definitely strive to be our best selves in difficult situations. I started out being my worst self after my last break up. Crying, begging, angry, etc. Then one day I woke up and decided to start being my best self.

 

For the longest time, I wanted my ex back but I finally accepted that he wasn't coming back because he didn't love me. He wanted someone else. So that was that.

 

Though I no longer want my ex back, I still sometimes miss his presence in my life. He has never stopped contacting me, nor I, him. He was once a true love of mine.

[Waz]

Basically, do what you FEEL like but ONLY when your emotions are under control.

 

This this this. So much this. In that way you do it for yourself even if it seems the opposite. But you don't care because you are the only one who knows what's best for yourself.

 

Nice thread OP.

[M30USA]

Nice post. Thanks, OP.

[Kellens]

Thank you so much for this! I am going through a terrible situation right now where I feel like I have lost all semblance of my self respect. Everyday I wake up and say that I am going to change my actions and behaviors but then I just get so sad and hopeless. I will try my best follow your words of wisdom, I don't have anybody to really talk to about my situation without feeling stupid so this helps so much!

[studcupid]

Nice post! it helps me a lot