He filed, asked for sole custody

[Turtles]

You can hold it together, Jkrbbit, esq. YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

These bad things that happened to you made YOU who you are now - strong, capable, independent, and successful. No one can take that away from you. Only you can give it up, and fold. Therefore, pull yourself together, there is absolutely no time for a pity party. Not the way you played your cards, young lady. Now you have to work with the hand you dealt yourself. Wakie, wakie. If you need help, you know how to find me. I am here for you 100%. We are all here to support you.

 

Now, for some Yas comic relief, Order in the Court, we will hear.....

 

Case Styled: ____Shirt vs Doritos____.

 

ALL RISE.

 

Answer:

 

A top notch, sharp looking women's shirt cost at least $30 smackeroos, Fact. You are a top notch attorney, and you have to look dang sharp for your profession, another Fact. Plus you deserve the best, another Fact. To spend $3.99 on a bag of Doritos for dinner is idiotic, when you're low on cash, another Fact. With $4.00, you can buy a couple bags of dried beans, a pack of cheap hotdogs, and a quart of generic OJ at Walmart. That is how to eat for at least two (2) or three (3) days - bag of black eyed peas goes a long way (yet, another bunch of Facts).

 

The Defense Rests.

 

Yas

 

Haha, that's exactly what I was thinking, who eats dorritos when they are hungry and a 4# bag of beans costs less. I'd throw an onion in there too Yas though

[Yasuandio]

Hey, Turtle,

I know BEPeas are yummy with a fat onion, of course, you're right. However, this guy has to think about attracting the next gravy train (onion breath, no-no). Money better spent on a jug of Crisco, or maybe I throw in a Hamhock, now that's living! Y

[jakrbbt]

He's here now, using the bathroom.

 

He smells like alcohol. (He's a recovering alcoholic, 12 years).

 

And he's chewing gum, which he doesn't really ever do.

 

He just came from a job interview. He's playing with our son here, so I can get work done, since I took him an extra day. Then he has to go to a divorcing-parents class, and he'll come back to put our child ot sleep.

 

What to do? Confront him?

 

gotta go-- he's coming out of bathroom now.

[jakrbbt]

He's here now, using the bathroom.

 

He smells like alcohol. (He's a recovering alcoholic, 12 years).

 

And he's chewing gum, which he doesn't really ever do.

 

He just came from a job interview. He's playing with our son here, so I can get work done, since I took him an extra day. Then he has to go to a divorcing-parents class, and he'll come back to put our child ot sleep.

 

What to do? Confront him?

 

gotta go-- he's coming out of bathroom now.

 

Now I can add a couple lines; he's gone.

 

We just got our parenting plan settled-- fifty-fifty. So good so far.

 

But last night already, he asked me at the last minute to watch our son on his day and overnight the next day. Which is fine, but the reason was, he "forgot" that he had scheduled something. And he had never told me about it when he'd scheduled it weeks ago, nor had he ever tried to line up childcare.

 

So I skipped work to watch our son. And it was a BAD day to skip work: something came up in a case. It's fix-able, and my client won't suffer at all. But it just looks bad.

 

Second thing: Also yesterday, some agency called me looking for H. They wanted to schedule a job interview, and time was running out. Only he had given them the wrong phone number, and had never called them up follow up. Good thing for him he'd given them my number as a backup number. They called me at 8 in the morning, and I texted him. I covered for him. Said he'd been up lat working and might not get back to them for a couple hours. He didn't wake or get my message until quarter-to 11.

 

Third thing: He was actually free until 3:00 p.m. today, he now tells me. Yet he had me watch our son all day, and skip my meeting and take the whole day off work. Why did he need until 3:00? Sleeping waaaaay in, hung over? Just can't get his a** out of bed? Darnit, I do want him to be a 50% parent but that means he has to function. Plan ahead. Give people his correct phone number. Not sleep in until noon. Schedule things for days when he doesn't have our son.

 

He's so low-functioning, I suspect he's drinking. He did smell of alcohol, that smell is so familiar to me from all the clients I represented back when I did public defense and the ones with alcohol addictions would often show up in court drunk, then get taken into jail. Of course I could be wrong, and I hope I am. But what do I do about this?

 

If he shows up smelling of alcohol in the morning, I'm going to ask him not to drive our son. I don't think i can ask for in-court testing, especially based on just my suspicion. Nor do I think I can request that he not be with our son while drinking. But I can certainly ask that he not drive our son if I have some reason to think he's been drinking. But what if he denies it? I could be wrong. But the risk! Ugh.

[BetrayedH]

Agree to "help" your husband when it works with your schedule and politely decline when it doesn't. It's that simple.

 

And yeah, decline to send your son with him if you have strong indicators that he's been drinking. If he wants to argue it, he can take a breathalyzer.

 

Glad to hear you got some agreement on 50/50. And he's looking for a job. My gut says you're starting to breathe a little easier.

 

Any court orders? I know something was coming up soon (or was that this custody agreement?).

[jakrbbt]

Agree to "help" your husband when it works with your schedule and politely decline when it doesn't. It's that simple.

 

And yeah, decline to send your son with him if you have strong indicators that he's been drinking. If he wants to argue it, he can take a breathalyzer.

 

Glad to hear you got some agreement on 50/50. And he's looking for a job. My gut says you're starting to breathe a little easier.

 

Any court orders? I know something was coming up soon (or was that this custody agreement?).

 

You're right, a lot of the immediate stress is abated.

 

It is very difficult for me not to help someone who, without my help, will unravel. What if he'd missed his job interview? That thought would have bothered me.

 

The only court order is the temporary parenting plan that we settled on. The order for temporary spousal and child support is still to come. But in the meantime, with no order in place, I gave my husband a lot more money this month than the child support calculator says I'd owe if he makes min wage (which they'll impute to him). I just want to be fair and at least help him out with baby's food, gas, whatever. But I also have to be able to care for our son myself, especially if I'm the one saving money or actually spending on baby's needs rather than on hobbies. (H sold some machine for about 2K, and says he's spending all the money on buying another hobby machine.) Our child will really benefit from me having a nest egg and good finances, if H continues to be that way.

 

I am just hoping it gets better from here. I'm not nearly as worried about the legal outcome as I was before. I am worried about H's possible relapse, and his ability to function, but I'll have to hold off on jumping to any conclusions just yet.

 

Yeah, there's a difference between helping someone out, and putting your life on hold while you scramble to save them from falling on their face all the time. I am not great at finding that line.

[BetrayedH]

It is very difficult for me not to help someone who, without my help, will unravel. What if he'd missed his job interview?

 

He would have learned that next time, he needs to plan (and have a backup plan). Instead, you've taught him that he can continue to fail to plan and you'll still be there even when it means you'll miss an important day at work.

 

You're doing the same thing with money. He's learning that even though he's going thru a divorce (and has no job), he can continue to spend thousands on a hobby 'cause you'll take care of it.

 

In brief, you are enabling him and that's a part of the problem (of course, you know this because Beach reminds you every time she's here). Let his family do the enabling if they want to. You're going to need a nest egg in case your H falls on his face and you end up with full custody (and no support).

 

This is not to say that you should leave him destitute; just don't overdo it. My hope at this point is that the temporary support orders will be in place soon (and that you'll stick to them).

 

Glad to see things settling down for you.

[beach]

I agree - your H isn't likely to grow up until you stop being his Mommy who fixes all his problems.

 

Him not having child are - he won't until you stop adjusting YOUR schedule to meet his needs.

 

Him not having money - he won't get a job until you stop giving him money.

 

 

He's acting like a child - but he won't grow up and become more responsible until you play a different role (different than being the rescuer/fixer).

 

 

Just start answering all his problems with "I'm sure you can figure out a solution - let me know what you decide".

[Yasuandio]

Time for Yas' Crystal Ball:

 

Alcholic Smells like Booze = Alcoholic fell off the Wagon

 

Alcholic off Wagon Chewing Gum = Alcholic Does't Want People To Know

 

STBXH Plan to Buy New Project Car = Irresponsible

 

JkRabbit's Knowledge: She's poviding Increased Funds + STBXH Alchol Consumption + Liklihood STBXH IS Driving Under Influence eith Her Child +Full Knowledge of Reckless Hobby Spending = = DENIAL

 

Slacking at Law Firm ("looks bad") + Not sure if Alcholic Husband is Drinking Again (when, as an Expert, you smell alchohol) + Husband is in your house again (cause you need him for child care) = A Recipe for a Huge Future Disaster

 

PREDICTION: Again, Jkrbbit is on downward trajectory. Jkrabbit can be made to look bad - she doesn't have enough time to look after her oen child, and has to call husband to come over to her house to assist with child care. Husband cannot meet his new responsibilities because he has to help Jkrabbit "away from the marital home" with child care.

 

Furthmore, child is in a dangerious situation that has not been addressed. Alcholic husband, that is clearly drinking again is operating a motor vehicle. Rather, there are merely speculations, and "what ifs" from Jkrbbit, whom is an expert in this field. When it comes time to prove the alligation in Court, convienently, there will be no evidence, for "some strange reason (that I'm not gonna try to explain again).

 

PROPOSED SOLUTION 1 (Easiest Solution):

 

Move back home and continue what you are continuing anyway. It is safer. Have affairs, on the QT, do whatever you wanna do. Think of husband as a stay at home baby-sitter, and don't come home from work until your "personal needs" are fulfilled. Do all work at the office, so husband is forced to take on his SAHS resposibilities, period. Hire a maid, or, leave it a mess, and keep your off campus "private office facility," (that would be your current apartment) as your home away from home.

 

PROPOSED SOLUTION 2 (Unlikely Fit):

 

The moment you smell a rat, grt a PI on him asap, period. Find out through some heavy-duty focused psycotherapy WHY you go all noodle when you know dang well the FACTS are staring you right in your face. Something is really wrong with that picture. Everyday, one hour of intense therapy per day till this bizarre, Avoidance/Denial mental health disorder or syndrome (albeit a non-practioner's diagnosis based on (a) your tendency to question yourself or become defensive - in the past, regarding accurate observations of your husband's problematic behaviours, (b) a certain repeated pattern of reiterating the same story, the dimensions of which tend to esculate into scarier, fearful feelings that you've expressed to others - possibly not the person of authority, your attorney, yet..., © there seems to be less concern or, at least verbalization of the dangerious impact such factual revelations have on your child - often not present or not emphasized in a balanced way (by example, an alcholic that had begun drinking once again, that is in control of a motor vehicle, obviously is transporting your child in said vehicle that you are paying the fuel to run. Husband, is about to purchase, via your funding, I suspect, yet another project vehicle).

 

Outcome

 

Finally, not long ago, there were signs of an emotional breakdown in the last paragraph of one of your posts, Jkrbbit, which comes as no surprise. I have great personal insight on playing through the pain, as you can and did, by subsequently winning the high Court case, as I knew you would. You will continue to keep this outstanding work up - it is what sustains you. But I tell you, the day is coming when your number will be up. It may, and most likely will have nothing to do with your competence either. It may come from left field and hit you in the head like a monkey wrench, when you least expect it.

 

What is to happen to this child, how is he to grow up if something happens to you? If an Alcholic wrecks a car with a baby inside, who's to blame? If the aformentioned is even a slight posibility, what would you advse a client? How would you suggest gathering evidence for the Court for your own Client? Yas

 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/denial/art-20047926

Edited December 20, 2014 by Yasuandio

[tippydog90]

Jakrbt,

When I first posted on this forum, you pointed me in the direction of a book about Co-dependency. I suggest you take another read as well. I have responded to enough of your posts now for you to understand I am very direct, I do not sugarcoat things. When you posted about how your husband holds your son's legs together when he is trying to go to sleep, many, many of us responded that this was a huge red flag and abusive. You then posted the same in the parenting forum and people there were VERY upfront with you about their thoughts on this action, and none of it was in any way giving your husband the benefit of the doubt. In fact people cautioned you on even leaving your child alone with this man.

 

Since then, I have only heard you talk about 50/50 custody with this guy as though this is a "given" and just the way it has to be. In spite of everything folks on this forum have been saying about your husband's behavior, in more ways than just the above mentioned behavior. Now you believe he is drinking again. And you still talk about 50/50 custody. Where is your HEAD?? Why do you feel you owe this man 50/50 custody? Support? Assistance? Why, why, why??? Let me tell you, when I was reviewing example divorce settlements, I saw several that had a "no drinking" stipulation - no alcoholic beverages period when parenting responsibilities were with either parent. I suggest you do the same, it can be done. Then if he continues to drink, he is in contempt.

 

For the life of me, I do not understand why you keep enabling this man and defending his behavior and his treatment of your child. You even say your little boy cannot even have toys out to play with because of his obsession with tidiness. That in and of itself is way, way beyond what could be considered acceptable and normal parenting. I suggest you wake up and stop worrying about your husband, and worry about how your decisions now and in the future are going to affect your child. He needs 100% of your focus. And frankly, I do not think this man is in any way capable of a 50/50 custody arrangement. He cannot even get out of bed until almost noon. What are you thinking???

 

Sorry for being so harsh, but you need a reality check.

[Yasuandio]

Jakrbt,

When I first posted on this forum, you pointed me in the direction of a book about Co-dependency. I suggest you take another read as well. I have responded to enough of your posts now for you to understand I am very direct, I do not sugarcoat things. When you posted about how your husband holds your son's legs together when he is trying to go to sleep, many, many of us responded that this was a huge red flag and abusive. You then posted the same in the parenting forum and people there were VERY upfront with you about their thoughts on this action, and none of it was in any way giving your husband the benefit of the doubt. In fact people cautioned you on even leaving your child alone with this man.

 

Since then, I have only heard you talk about 50/50 custody with this guy as though this is a "given" and just the way it has to be. In spite of everything folks on this forum have been saying about your husband's behavior, in more ways than just the above mentioned behavior. Now you believe he is drinking again. And you still talk about 50/50 custody. Where is your HEAD?? Why do you feel you owe this man 50/50 custody? Support? Assistance? Why, why, why??? Let me tell you, when I was reviewing example divorce settlements, I saw several that had a "no drinking" stipulation - no alcoholic beverages period when parenting responsibilities were with either parent. I suggest you do the same, it can be done. Then if he continues to drink, he is in contempt.

 

For the life of me, I do not understand why you keep enabling this man and defending his behavior and his treatment of your child. You even say your little boy cannot even have toys out to play with because of his obsession with tidiness. That in and of itself is way, way beyond what could be considered acceptable and normal parenting. I suggest you wake up and stop worrying about your husband, and worry about how your decisions now and in the future are going to affect your child. He needs 100% of your focus. And frankly, I do not think this man is in any way capable of a 50/50 custody arrangement. He cannot even get out of bed until almost noon. What are you thinking???

 

Sorry for being so harsh, but you need a reality check.

 

Well put, Tippydog. I can't think straight at the moment (besides my disability,I've been ill from corbon monoxide leaking from an old furnace that I just became aware of - highly messed up and double-medicated right now). Thanks to my own personal denial of many years, and failure to collect proper evidence to support my claims, Im not in a position to replace my furnace and my home is 51 degree at the moment. I can thank myself for that. Meanwhile, Mr. Yas has purchased yet his 3rd Mercedes Biez, and continues to ignore Court Orders.

 

Jkrbbit's situation is really disheartening. In fact, this last post of complete, utter denial has made me so angry at myself, upon reflection,, all I can see is RED. I dont really know what approach I provided. I think it may be the strategic "round about/bi-polar" appoach, possibly. But I sure do THANK YOU, Tippy Dog, for providing Jkrbbit the "Unsugared Version." You post makes extreme sense and logic. I really care from my heart about Jkrbbit, and I hope she listens to you.

 

I do know of a colleage that had a similar issue, snd was determined to overcome it - and she actually did go to a psychologist every single day for a year. That's highly uncommon, other than in a hospitalized situation. But I can tell you - she got over it, fast, and it did not linget on, and she became very successful. That is why I suggested the idea.

 

Again, Bravo, Tippy Dog, Yas

Edited December 20, 2014 by Yasuandio

[tippydog90]

Thanks Yas. I hope my response helps Jakrbt. Now I should probably start a new thread myself..... I feel like my world is crashing around me and I am having a really, really hard time coping right now.

[Yasuandio]

Thanks Yas. I hope my response helps Jakrbt. Now I should probably start a new thread myself..... I feel like my world is crashing around me and I am having a really, really hard time coping right now.

 

Yeah, I feel ya, TD. The helpers are the last to get themselves helped. I sent you pm. Yas

[tippydog90]

Thanks Yas. I messaged you back.

[kenmore]

I have to third tippydog's comments, jakrbbt. From what I have read, this guy is a grade-A loser (worse than me even LOL.)

 

I mean he must have had some good traits, or else you wouldn't have married him, but it looks like the bad ones are so bad that he doesn't deserve 50/50. Maybe it would help if you mentioned what it is that he brought to the game other than sperm. As it is, I don't see any reason for you to give him any more than you have, and IMO, you already gave more than you should have.

 

My wife "supported me", though I did what I could do to make it up to her. I did all of the household chores, cooking, shopping, repairing anything that broke, painting, building brick walls and to some extent, the time spent was a factor in my not finding work, though I don't blame anyone but myself.

 

Kudos to you for getting a good lawyer! Don't hold back. Let him / her do what they can to get you primary custody, with only visitation rights for him; and do find out if he's drinking. If he is, that's very bad for a long-term recovering alcoholic, and he will probably not be able to control it. NOT a good influence for your son. Definitely get the no drinking stipulation in there.

 

I wish you the best! I wish I could do more, but know that I care. Good luck, and please keep us posted!

 

Ken

[jakrbbt]

An update.

 

The court awarded $200 in temporary spousal support (so, for two months) and $130 in temporary child support. I have no problem with paying that, even though I'm month-to-month.

 

But H won't settle or discuss anything. Our temporary parenting-time plan cost me $1500 in attorney fees-- and we could have settled it all along! But H always refused to discuss it. Worse, he claimed even to have a totally different desire than what his attorney represented. So that forced me to spend attorney fees, telling his client that he wanted the original plan. Then he had his lawyer "take it back" and take back the original plan he proposed. In a nutshell, I think he was purposely costing me a lot of extra money in fees, and in the meantime, showing how unwilling he is to work anything out.

 

We have a trial date of Feb 6. He's still asking for sole custody, still totally unwilling to even discuss it. But he has been coming over frequently. (Nothing romantic, though he's being totally disrespectfully half-sexual and he shows up uninvited-- then is very pleasant. Maybe he's trying to thwart any dating plans I might have, who knows.)

 

He showed up last week, was super friendly, it was like a party. I had our son here. Then, he told me he would "need help" filing an insurance form since he'd been convicted of driving uninsured (I paid that ticket too) after his license was suspended because he failed to fill out an accident report (yep, I got him out of that one last year too), then his insurance lapsed and he asked me to pay it and pay the back-owed fee but I couldn't afford it, so he drove uninsured (this was toward the end of our marriage).

 

When he asked for "help" filing the form, I kind of agreed, though there was nothing specific to agree to. I don't think I should pay for anything or even spend a lot of time doing grunt-work for him. I used to think that I had to dig him out of all this stuff or else he'd not be able to function, and he would be a disorganized parent putting our son in discomfort or even danger.

 

I have read "In Sheep's Clothing" by Dr George Simon. It is about disturbed characters. It stresses me out, because I can recognize every single tactic that the "covert aggressor" manipulative personality uses. My H uses them all with great frequency and regularity.

 

And now I know what the main manipulation was. I know what the holding-down of the legs was about, too.

 

It's been confusing, he seemed to hold down our son's legs right in front of me the one night he let me be in the room while he put our baby to sleep (early last fall). But after that, there were never any bruises, no signs of abuse, and he's come over and put our son to bed here a few times, and he clearly puts him to bed in a crib at his house.

 

He wanted me to worry. Not that he's a perfect parent, but, well, let me explain.

 

He has repeatedly given me two clear messages throughout our marriage. Both are communicated as threats. The first is that he is unable to function by himself or to care for our son without me helping him: Unable to wake early, unable to care for our son at all while I work if he cared for him the previous night, unable to "maintain sobriety" if he is not pursuing hobbies every evening and weekend. He has said as much. So I am driven by fear: Oh gosh, I couldn't just get ready and go into work-- my H would be incompetent to care for baby, and baby might starve or fall off the banister or similar.

 

(H knows I am a worrier and a caregiver.)

 

The second message is that I wouldn't be privy to important things that were going on with my child. Now, all that is less weird after a separation. But during the marriage, he'd set up all kinds of situations that would cause me to wonder where out child was or whether he'd eaten lunch or whatever. Then he'd purposely keep me in the dark. He would direct me to leave the room, and he'd close the door, if ever he was going to change a diaper (rare) or care for our son in any way while I was home. Then he'd refuse to tell me how he was putting him to bed, what he fed him et c.

 

And he has always told me I had to get him out of scrapes, pay for stuff, take care of his irresponsibility.

 

So the message was this: Unless I took care of my husband and allowed him to have zero responsibilities except babysitting our son while I worked, then my husband would malfunction or start drinking again et c. and then son would suffer in some way. BUT the clencher was that I would not know that my son was in any danger-- I'd be kept in the dark and unable to come "save" only my son. I would not even have the "right" to save my son. (Recall H taking him from me while about to breastfeed. Or telling me I had no right to know where they were if he left home with him.)

 

So, if I wanted to keep my son safe and well-cared for, my only option was to preemptively "take care of" my husband. And he pleads so much disability, that taking care of him meant taking care of everything so that he could sleep fourteen hours a day, have his own separate living quarters, blow off his insurance and prior debts and other responsibilities et c. And if he has sole custody, all the better to hold that over my head. It'll be him and our son, one unit, wiht me trailing behind them wringing my hands and trying to take care of everything so they'll be ok and not both spiral into a pit of unsafe and disorganized living.

 

He is a disturbed character. He is not an honorable man. He is not an ideal parent. However, I am also convinced that I can call his bluff, because I do think that he loves our son (disturbed characters and manipulators are not "evil" and are still capable of love). What I mean is, he's not willing to actually place our son in immediate short-term danger. If I'd left for work all those mornings instead of nursing our son back to sleep first, I do not think H would have been "too tired" to keep him safe and fed. If I refuse to pay any more than court-ordered support, I don't think H will become homeless and take our son with him to live in a cardboard box or a garage and keep it a secret. I think that if he is being controlling and manipulative, it's worth calling his bluff. He won't put our son in short-term danger. He'll either take care of his sh-t, or ask me or someone else to take our son while he does so. And that is better than me allowing him to manipulate me into having this lifelong anchor.

 

Now I am worried about the cost of trial. My dad is struggling to help me. And I am angry that H is likely driving costs up on purpose to "punish" me for leaving. Not that that makes me sorry that I left-- quite the opposite.

[kenmore]

WOW, what a jerk!

 

I'll post more after dinner jakrbbt, but I just had to say my gut reaction was simply wow!

[kenmore]

Jacrbbt, I am not understanding all of this. With the history you describe (him getting tickets for things like not being insured, admittedly not being able to function without you, not being able to stay sober etc.), I wonder how he plans to get full custody?

 

It seems to me that you are the stable one, the one with a good job and responsibility, the "sane" one. All I can tell that he is bringing to the situation is lies, dependence and manipulation.

 

Besides, it seems you can afford the better attorney.

 

I understand that you are a worrier, and how difficult that can be, but it seems to me you have the better case and all of the advantages. How is the custody being handled now? I'm no expert, but one thing I have learned is how things are handled during a separation often carries on through the divorce. If things are informal now, you need to make sure you have custody of your son as much as possible. that will show the courts that you are the primary caretaker.

 

Whew, I'm very sorry you have to go through this. It is most difficult. Good luck!

 

Ken

[beach]

He comes over because you keep allowing it.

 

Don't allow him into your living space. He has no reason to come into your home.

 

Fight the fight - he's a jerk who looks like a druggy who needs you to pay so he can keep using.

 

Ask the court to regularly drug test him. Your child shouldn't be with him since he's unpredictable.

 

Stop paying for his missteps. That's his to handle - even filling out a stupid form. I said before and I'll say it again - I don't think he can read/write. That's why he gets his sister to do this stuff for him.

 

 

When he asks for anything - say NO! Say hell NO!

 

 

Take action to send a clear message that your not on this earth to provide him comforts - he needs to learn to take care of things HIMSELF.

[clevelander321]

I only read the first post, but isn't this why most women get custody? They do not work outside the home so are the primary caregiver? They aren't called "deadbeats" for staying at home and watching the kid..

[jakrbbt]

I only read the first post, but isn't this why most women get custody? They do not work outside the home so are the primary caregiver? They aren't called "deadbeats" for staying at home and watching the kid..

 

But babysitting is not parenting. There is case law on that, in our jurisdiction at least, in interpreting the primary parent. Parenting includes all those tasks-- grocery shopping, doctor appointments, care while sick, scheduling day care, assembling carseats, overnight care et c.-- that I did one hundred percent of. And besides that, though my H would deny it, I also had our son far more time in terms of hours spent, than he did. My husband wouldn't even change poopy diapers while I was working from home. He'd call me in to change every poopy.

 

I was raised by a stay-at-home mom and working dad. And my mom was raised by a stay-at-home dad and working mom. In both cases, it was very different from my household.

 

Besides, my husband "worked" two hours away. It was part-time but often he had to stay overnight between work days-- or even 4 days in a row. I put "worked" in quotations because he never contributed a dime of his money to the household, to his own bills or groceries, or to any toys or things for our son, or even on his own gas to get to work. It was for his hobby money, I guess.

 

And I worked from home 2-3 days per week. While doing so, most often it was me looking after our child and just trying to work late night or early morning.

 

So no, "primary caregiver" does not simply mean "parent who worked less" or "parent who didn't work." And anyway, primary caregiver is not the sole criteria for custody.

 

But of course the problem is that my H will lie about all the above facts.

 

 

I know that a lot of men (not all) are pretty bitter about a non-working mother getting custody when they don't think she should have-- and often they think it is just the fact that she's a woman or just the fact that she didn't work. Maybe that's what happened in those cases, I don't know. Sometimes such people tell me that it's poetic justice or universal fairness if my husband gets custody. But I think that the only thing that matters is what would be best for my son. I don't know what happened in all those cases where some mother got sole custody and maybe shouldn't have. My son's future doesn't exist just to even that score. The reason I don't want H to have sole custody isn't that he stayed home instead of working. It's not even just because he's irresponsible and mentally somewhat unstable. It's also because he would surely use his custodial "power" to continue controlling me, and to the detriment of our son. I am incredibly fearful of that, and he knows that, and he enjoys that.

[jakrbbt]

Jacrbbt, I am not understanding all of this. With the history you describe (him getting tickets for things like not being insured, admittedly not being able to function without you, not being able to stay sober etc.), I wonder how he plans to get full custody?

 

It seems to me that you are the stable one, the one with a good job and responsibility, the "sane" one. All I can tell that he is bringing to the situation is lies, dependence and manipulation.

 

Besides, it seems you can afford the better attorney.

 

I understand that you are a worrier, and how difficult that can be, but it seems to me you have the better case and all of the advantages. How is the custody being handled now? I'm no expert, but one thing I have learned is how things are handled during a separation often carries on through the divorce. If things are informal now, you need to make sure you have custody of your son as much as possible. that will show the courts that you are the primary caretaker.

 

Whew, I'm very sorry you have to go through this. It is most difficult. Good luck!

 

Ken

 

Of course he'll lie about saying that he needed his hobbies to maintain his sobriety. He'll lie about how often he, or I, had our son. But I agree that I'll be the more credible-- I am being scrupulous about telling the truth, and it's just not all that likely that the judge will be hoodwinked. Or so I hope. And he can't lie about his past convictions of contempt-of-court for failing to pay child support for his first child, (by his first wife). That child is now 20. Nor can he lie about basically abandoning her, never visiting her when she was little. He just washed his hands of her and her mother-- never even mentions them, visits his daughter maybe once every few years. You won't be surprised to hear that his first wife had no money.

 

We negotiated for 50/50 parenting time. I have no problem with that continuing, IF my husband can handle it. Right now I'm sure he's getting all the support he can so that he can make a good showing, before the final decision. And that's fine. But he still has no regular job or if he does, he's hiding that fact from me for some reason. He's likely using his non-custodial days to sleep excessively and do hobbies, rather than make a living. If he can't handle our child/ his life in future with 50/50, we can get it modified. He deserves the chance to try at least. I've no desire to keep our son from him, or to compete for affection. Children do both with both parents in their lives, and I want our son to be well-adjusted.

 

I recognize that during our marriage, H wanted to be with our child about 10 percent of the time. He didn't want to be absent, as he did love him, but he was "too tired" even when he was about 20 percent. During my maternity leave, he opted to spend five to ten percent. But now, there are money reasons (child support) and also personal power reasons (he has mentioned "fairness" and a personal "right" to have our son as much as I do) that he wants more time with him. I'm not sure that's a problem in the eyes of the court. Maybe it's a reason some parents just become more involved, and for the better.

 

I kind of think he's going to spend his life moving from victim to victim as a mooch. Right now, he's living with someone for free-- he seems to have sought out the first person he thought would have sympathy for him. She is a caregiver sort and a softie, and I watched him "court" her. He used to grab our son from me and walk outside with him to chat with her whenever she visited (she was our landlord). He is not generally social with other people like that. So he'll probably also get her to testify about how he was always the one with our son when she visited. He's storing his stuff in someone's garage, someone is bankrolling his lawyer, and his mother and a friend are watching our son for him while he does his hobbies even on his parenting days sometimes. All these are people who feel sorry for him, just like I used to (ok, still do, I admit). Even his lawyer is someone he met years ago in a different capacity, and back then he got her to represent him for free when his university was about to kick him out of the department of his major (who knows why; he was incredibly vague with me about it back then).

 

I just need someone to tell me it will get better. And to tell me why. It's hard right now, to imagine being free from the web of manipulation.

 

I do have great tools for having my own life-- I have a very stable job, good reputation, great parents, no skeletons in my closet, I don't actually feel lonely without my ex nor do I miss him, I do have some debt but I pay it, I have great health, some interests like creative writing, some very good friends, and though it sounds conceited and I don't think I'll ever date again, I know I have very good looks. But I can't imagine any of that helping much, when I also have a son whose father is my main manipulator, determined to punish and control me for life.

 

People ask whether they can move on from a heartbreak and start a new life. I know that the answer to that is yes. But I'll ask a different question: Can you "move on" from a manipulator, and even have to co-parent with them, and still start your own, new, mostly independent life?

[jakrbbt]

He comes over because you keep allowing it.

 

Don't allow him into your living space. He has no reason to come into your home.

 

Fight the fight - he's a jerk who looks like a druggy who needs you to pay so he can keep using.

 

Ask the court to regularly drug test him. Your child shouldn't be with him since he's unpredictable.

 

Stop paying for his missteps. That's his to handle - even filling out a stupid form. I said before and I'll say it again - I don't think he can read/write. That's why he gets his sister to do this stuff for him.

 

 

When he asks for anything - say NO! Say hell NO!

 

 

Take action to send a clear message that your not on this earth to provide him comforts - he needs to learn to take care of things HIMSELF.

 

I can't ask for drug testing or keep our kid from him, at this point-- the court won't allow either of those things and I'd look pretty bad.

 

But I firmly agree with your overall point about sending him the message that I'm not there to take care of him and provide comforts.

 

He tells people that he can't get by because he has some "special" form of ADD that even professionals don't quite understand. I think he uses that to get stuff and avoid responsibility. Maybe he can't read, but I've definitely read stuff that I am positive he's written-- I have practically watched him do the writing.

 

I would like an amicable relationship with him if possible. I'd like to spend time with him and our son here and there, if possible. But I am going to draw the line at his requests for help-- anything that goes beyond court-ordered help. For one thing, I need to focus my time and money on my own job and my own bills and debts, then saving for my son. And if H stops being amicable when I stop giving him money, then I have to be ok with that.

 

I also think you were right awhile back, Beach, when you said I'd feel better when I started taking action. Right now my lawyer isn't taking much action, though he is has one of the best reputations and win rates in the county. We've mostly been responding to H's barrage of requests. I may talk to my lawyer about asking for attorney fees for his latest shenanigans. He refused to negotiate a parenting plan, and I said to him: "If you try to force us to go to a hearing without even trying to mediate the temporary plan, then you should talk you your lawyer about whether I can get attorney fees for that." I was trying to be informative, so he'd see reason and negotiate. Haha. Here is how the negotiation went:

 

[husband]:

"I reject plan A. Here is Plan B. [then by lawyer's letter a month later:] Oh, I take back plan B. Here is Plan C. It gives me like 80 percent time. [then to me:] Oh, I didn't really take back plan B, that was just my lawyer. I still agree to plan B. Have your lawyer tell my lawyer that. [Then by lawyer letter:] Oh, now I really really took back Plan B. I meant it. Here is Plan D, it's kinda vague but maybe gives you 30 or 40 percent time. [Then to me:] I'm not going to tell you what plan D even means. We'll have to have our lawyers do all that. [then by lawyer letter/ pleading:]: You don't like Plan D? You want to keep our child on the current plan that I suggested in the first place, that's been working well? I'm filing a request for a hearing. Here is Plan E, it's a little different from Plan D but obviously won't work with your work schedule. I don't even understand Plan B, my special ADD makes it hard for me to even know what plan B meant, that's why I take it back. [then later, by lawyer letter and to me:] Oh, you still want Plan A? The one you originally suggested? That is the same as Plan E but with a more appropriate schedule for us? Hmmmmmm let me seeeeee. Is it time yet where we can't cancel the hearing? OK, I accept plan A."

 

I'm pretty sure H was trying to force me to pay for a hearing, but to do it in a way where he thought I couldn't get attorney fees. But I think that the above antics are something I should not have had to spend money and attorney time answering. He was possibly also trying to sandbag me and my lawyer with it.

Edited January 4, 2015 by jakrbbt

[beach]

It will get better. It will when you start making yourself and your needs the priority instead of his needs/wants.

 

Let him suffer. His struggles will help him get motivated to start working.

 

If you don't he will keep mooching off you.

 

When he asks - say NO!

 

When he comes by do not allow him in the house.

[kenmore]

Jackrabbit,

 

WOW again!

 

You have SO MUCH to get off of your chest!

 

Hey, I consider you an I-friend and please let me tell you some things you may not like to hear:

 

You are a wonderful woman, but you need more strength! sorry to say it but you are the antithesis of my wife, and that looks good in my eyes at the moment lol, but really need to take ahold of your own feelings and grow some balls (sorry, just how it seems.)

 

Seriously, I think you have so much to give the world! you are a stable woman, focused, and more than anything (to a fault) compassionate! While someone like me would just eat that **** up, most men would just screw you and use you.

 

I'd say there are about 35% of men who would be good matches for you, but you chose this loser and he's one of the 65% I'm not trying to place myself above others (and God knows I have no reason to here), but that's just how I see it.

 

He is using you! He will take what he can get! You are letting him! He's a dick!

 

I know when it started things were wonderful. I know he showed different signs and acted in a loving and appealing way. As you say, he worked your landlord and is working you.

 

I will say that you deserve so much better! You will get free of this debris and you will take control of your life, even in the face of all of his crap! Just like me, you will have a good life free of the manipulator and love your child / children!

 

Hey, I'll tell you a secret: the strength you need is just under your skin. Most people don't know how to scratch it out. All you need is to really need it one day, and today is that day! It's there, all you need to do is take it and use it how you need to! My wife told me today that if I scratch deeply I will find titanium (and that's true, she had a wrist replacement surgery a couple of years ago), but the analogy is true for anyone! Anyone f*cks with me or my family, and I'll get ugly! More ugly than I normally am LOL

 

You need to get ugly! Seriously stop being this guy's pussy. Sorry again for being blunt, but someone was blunt to me this morning, and it was a godsend! Trying to return the favor.

 

I care for you a lot, you were there for me when I needed you!

 

Love

 

Ken