He filed, asked for sole custody

[jakrbbt]

Very quick update, I'm up too late. Things are largely alright, and I am trying like mad to catch up at work. I guess I'm out of the fog!

 

And I am so, so appreciative for this site. You guys saw me through. I'll return here soon to contribute to others' threads. What a find this has been.

 

Ex got a job. It's on-call and he gets a lot of hours. His mother often watches our son on his days. He has offered to give me right-of-refusal (let me have our son instead when I can). Partly because his mother has health problems, I get our son from her after work whenever possible. I love having the extra time with him.

 

Things are going better with my and ex's co-parenting, boundaries et c. He has watched our son a few times on my days when I wanted to go to the gym after baby is in bed. He doesn't ask for financial help. He says that after all I've done to help him, he looks forward to being able to help me with whatever I might need. But I'm largely self-sufficient.

 

The one problem now is: He has been smoking quite a bit, more and more, apparently around our toddler. His car reeks of cigar smoke. Our toddler's hair smells of cigar smoke when he's been with daddy. They sleep in the same room with daddy smelling like a big cigar, I am sure, in his bed right near the crib. As far as I can tell, most his smoking is done when driving our son around (or outside after our son goes to bed). He doesn't smoke in the house. But I worry about the health effects. Tonight my son is in his room coughing horribly-- and he was with his dad all day. I worry the coughing might be related to exposure to all that smoke.

 

Our divorce order specifies that neither parent shall smoke in the presence of the child and neither parent shall expose the child to second-hand smoke. He's clearly violating that.

 

Enforcing the order is another matter. That would mean lawyering up again and filing something, and losing all the trust and goodwill we're building with our co-parenting.

 

I hate that he's exposing our son to all that smoke. But I am coming at this as someone who never was exposed to tobacco growing up. To me it smells pretty extreme and overbearing. Am I worrying over something too small to litigate? Would I regret starting some argument over it?

 

I am considering having a conversation with him about it, and having a plan for in case he is not receptive. I don't know what that plan would be though. Any ideas? Or would you just leave it alone for now?

[Yasuandio]

He may not notice or realize the effects of the smoke and tobacco. I picked up smoking again during the divorce, after quitting over 25 years. Now that I stopped, the place totally reeks - but I never noticed it. Also, I'm coughing all the time. I never noticed that either. I think there is a BIG DOSE of denial built into people that have their mind made up to smoke, even if it is a temporary thing.

 

I do admit, the place I hang out, where I was smoking, there was some yellowing on freshly painted white trim - that looked crappy. But I didn't care. I care about it now, though. So, I would add to the first paragraph, that besides the denial factor, some smokers don't give a crap.

 

That in mind, I provide my usual advice, for your use later, should you need it. Get your smart phone and create a "stamp-dated" series of videos of the baby having the coughing attack just after delivery home from Dad. Bag a sample of babies clothing of that evening and date it. Collect ten sets such as this.

 

By this time, your child is going to be sick, a cold, whatever normal childhood illness. Applying some common sense, my guess is, that his recover will be slower than a child not exposed to tobacco. You can simply ask a doctor to smell what is in the bags, and show one of the videos.

 

I'm sorry, but that is how you prove things (in the event a nice little discussion doesn't work). And based on the symptoms you are describing, I would start collecting evidence now. That doesn't mean you have to use it.

 

And be aware, your former husband is hacking from the smoking, and doesn't really notice effects on anyone else. Same as me. Now, I'm noticing my little dogs are hacking a lot. I never heard that before. Smokers are just in there own world - hacking and coughing just seems normal.

 

But, do try to approach it, (without the evidence), in the most strategic way you possibly can. We are even talking about more than cigar smoking here. With his ADD, whatever his issues are, he has been thru a traumatic event, and life-altering changes. We wouldn't want him to forget to put out the cigar. And these cigars are a big thing to put out. Nor would we want the baby to get hold of that thing.

 

I can tell you personally, under stress, I was more sloppy with the cigs. I drove back home many a time to double check that I put it out correctly.

 

Many homes have burned down from smoking. And the LAST place to keep an ashtray is in the bedroom. That is totally uncool. Any fire-fighter will tell you that.

 

Ok, I didn't mean to lecture you, but, Jkrrbit, you said you had no experience with tobacco. My dad taught me all about it. And, according to the literature, it is a harder habit yo break than heroin. When I quit for that 25 years, I tell you it is true. To pick it up again, is like putting the needle back in your arm. I hope this helps. Yas

[jakrbbt]

That's helpful Yas. There's more crap now too:

 

He just told me that he reserves Sundays to be with his sister. He has some choice in when to work. This means he's choosing to work during his visitation days, and reserving his non-visitation days for himself and his sister. It bothers me.

 

Because he works on his visitation days, I go and get our son after work. If I didn't do so, my ex has already told me that he'd just pick up our son at midnight from grandma's house and wake him up to drive him across town. But this way, I give up all my free evenings. It's worth it if it's necessary for ex's work. But not if it's necessary so that ex can reserve a day for his sister.

 

But he's too short-sighted to see it that way, and so if I refuse to help on those evenings, our baby will be transported in the middle of the night (in a cigar-mobile) during his nights with daddy. Ex will not see that an alternative would be to actually work on his non-parenting days.

 

Part of what bugs me is probably the ick factor with the creepy relationship between ex and his sister. You guys might have a different perspective, not having the ick factor.

 

Maybe one way to see it is, I get extra time with my son this way, and in the end that will matter more than all this other stuff. I can solve my free-time issues some other way. He won't always be tiny.

[beach]

You can't control what he does or doesn't do Jak.

 

Change the things you CAN.

 

 

If you think you can control aspects of the way he lives you will be constantly exhausted.

 

Accept the things you can not change.

 

 

Many kids grew up in enclosed spaces with smoke and have lived through it. As your child gets older I hope he learns to have a voice and express himself appropriately if he doesn't like something.

 

 

He finally got a job! That's great progress! I'm not a fan of nick picking over the small stuff. He's going to have that very odd relationship with his sister whether you like it it not. I'm grateful his Mom watches the baby while he does his odd ventures.

[jakrbbt]

You can't control what he does or doesn't do Jak.

 

Change the things you CAN.

 

 

If you think you can control aspects of the way he lives you will be constantly exhausted.

 

Accept the things you can not change.

 

 

Many kids grew up in enclosed spaces with smoke and have lived through it. As your child gets older I hope he learns to have a voice and express himself appropriately if he doesn't like something.

 

 

He finally got a job! That's great progress! I'm not a fan of nick picking over the small stuff. He's going to have that very odd relationship with his sister whether you like it it not. I'm grateful his Mom watches the baby while he does his odd ventures.

 

Thanks, great perspective.

 

Reading this makes me realize I need to get my best friends back into my life, and maybe date. I have to put my ex in perspective.

 

I'm mad that he's selfish. I'm mad that he took advantage of me. I'm mad that I had a baby with someone I can't trust to parent in the long run. I thought I was good at letting that stuff go. I'd do better to let it go.

 

The only problem this all leaves is, whether I should continue helping out on ex's days he gets called in. I get very little advance notice-- like a few hours-- and I have not had any free time the last couple weeks at all because of it. Maybe I can think of a creative solution to have free time and predictability while also helping out.

[beach]

Thanks, great perspective.

 

Reading this makes me realize I need to get my best friends back into my life, and maybe date. I have to put my ex in perspective.

 

I'm mad that he's selfish. I'm mad that he took advantage of me. I'm mad that I had a baby with someone I can't trust to parent in the long run. I thought I was good at letting that stuff go. I'd do better to let it go.

 

The only problem this all leaves is, whether I should continue helping out on ex's days he gets called in. I get very little advance notice-- like a few hours-- and I have not had any free time the last couple weeks at all because of it. Maybe I can think of a creative solution to have free time and predictability while also helping out.

 

Every week plan time FOR yourself!

 

If his change of plans interferes - just tell him you have plans and can't.

[Yasuandio]

Don't forget about your career issue. You have to triple peddle to get back on top. I'm suggesting out-doing better than the BEST you have ever done in your life, period. Do it for your son.

 

Dating can wait. Jak can snag a great man whenever she likes. Just put "a man" on the back burner for a little while. You just got divorced last month. Career, career, career, Jkrbbt, Esq., that is what I think the focus needs to be on (just my opinion). Yas

 

PS. His baby time, is HIS baby time. If Grandma gets baby, good. It takes a community to raise a child. So what. During that time, do a pro-bono to promote your Firm for Goodwill Industries, Homeless, or Battered Women's Shelter. Some place like that could certainly use a legal mind or assistance. Whatever. Get it in the newspaper.

[kenmore]

Hi Jac, I say worry about your son first, your career second, your free time third and ex last. Do pick your son up so he can be home, with you etc. Don't allow ex to pick him up at midnight, wake him, drive him home at that hour and wake you? (not clear on where he would take him.)

 

Be fair, but your son's feelings must come first. What he does for employment, when he does it, if he keeps it etc. are not your concern anymore. You worry about you and yours.

 

Ken