He filed, asked for sole custody

[jakrbbt]

Honey, Im not trying to criticize you. I am seeing a pattern, like a scientist. I dont want to hurt you, bug I need to let you see what I am seeing. If you want me not to provide analysis when I see it, just PM me. OK, here goes.

 

I hate to tell you this, but the "foot restraint" bomb you dropped a few posts back sounds like just another example of your pattern of minimizing hidious and/or bizarre conduct on the part of your husband.The next step I've observed in this pattern is a tendency to later amplify husband's particular bizarre conduct, as you have herein with bold type, simultaniouly trickle-truthing additional horrendous details. I believe it is at this point that you become complete mortifed and overwelmed with these situations, and react, understandably, in a way that suggests that the options/choices are more limited than they really are (in past encounters, you've catastrophised speaking up, the expectation of basic marital responsibilities and relations from husband, approaching husband with importand issues for fear of his hurt feeling, evening walking on eggshells to have a bath, etc.).

 

Due to these concerns, it appears life is easier, more manageable to simply evade, minamize,or catroprophize the outcome of any action that might face yet another hidious problem (thereby allowing a reasoned, denial state for your psychological survival). In this case, the rationale you apply to maintain your sanity is a reasoned but faulty arguement that the only way out of the "foot restrait" situation is an expensive custody study (e.g., the catastrophy).I am not theorizing that you are a bad person, only that I am observing a pattern I believe that has manifest itself it help you servive. Once you see, consider, and apply alterate ideas, answers, solutions to the delimmas you have posed the forum, eventually, your paradigm has eventially shifted - most times, dramatically.

 

Now allow me to pose an alternate approach to the foot-restraint issue, as it is indeed an abusive condioning method your husband is applying to the child for a certain compliance (thus far, we know for elimination of squirming, and possible to stop babies crying). We dont know how long this inappropriate condioning treatment has been applied. Nor do we know ALL the outcomes this conditioning treatment is used to illicit. There may also be additional conditioning treatment of which you are unaware. One thing you know is that the baby is responding to the treatment, per your observation.

 

Here is your immediate and emergency solution (that should have been looked into before now, so be thinking of a good reason that it is now being brought to light). The phychiatrist and Medical Doctors can perform a variation of the treatment and observe/assess/analyze the babies response - and provide a diagnosis, and recommrndations on where to go from here. But it is certainly not wise to remain completely MUTE about a dangerious developmental issue such as you describe in bold, that might actually be much worse than you evemn realize (especially in context of the other bizarre conduct of husband). And jkrbbit, please, please, dont tell us "you'll talk to him." That would be the most insane response I could ever imagine from you, hon. OK. I hope this analysis has been helpful to you. It was meant in the best of good faith. Yas

 

Yes to the child eval, great recommendation Yas, thank you. I'm getting that done, called an early child eval center and filled out the necessary assessment. Sure enough, initial test result showed that he may have some issues with emotional well-being right now. He seems largely content and thriving, but there are little signs, some around his extreme picky-ness and fear around sleep.

 

Yes too, to not-talking to H about all this. Even a week ago, I would've. But I have decided to trust my hitherto-complete-stranger, therapist instead. He's fortunately clearly very good, and has also dealt with women in pretty much my exact situation before, divorcing clones of my husband. I guess when you're dealing with a personality disorder, there are common factors and behaviors-- it's not just the person's unique character and history you're dealing with.

 

And yes, I used to minimize wildly. And now I am just going to go ahead and say that I used to have this inane fear that H was reading all my posts, even though I log in from an incognito window. Plus it was habit: If ever I criticized him, he'd retaliate. I had to be so, so sincerely non-critical and understanding. I wished I was wrong and that he was normal. I still wish that. But now, I realize it's a bad idea to rely on that wish.

 

And there's more to it too . . . just kind of the self-disgust that comes with being in that kind of controlling relationship. I couldn't stand any thought I had against another person. I even stopped speaking out during practice arguments at work-- and I supposedly argue for a living! I wondered whether my IQ had plummeted, but now, I think it was just my confidence. Not sure how to get that back, but at least I can see it better now.

[Yasuandio]

When you are in abusive situation, everything is affected, is comes about subtlety. Your IQ, it could very well be in the lower number right now should you take a standerdized test. My normally very high IQ was measured at 80 at a terribly time toeards the end of my career, whrn I was getting sick. And there was no malingering when I took the tests, as something comes over me in a "test and measurement" environment, and I mean too excell BIG TIME! But don't worry, ig will hopefully come back.

 

Getting back to the "foot-restraint" situation:

 

I've more thoughts, along the physical affects of this "treatment." Baby's feet along with their complete bone struture is malable, and will be for a long time. Sqeezing ot pulling the babies feet together (repeatedly) into a central positioning could possibly deform the bone integrety of the feet as well as the legs, as they most likely recieve a certain amount of twisted tork in the process (with the diaper in place).

 

I would recommend this baby see an a child orthiopedidist specialist, and a child podiatrist.

 

This is a way to get this matter on the record, and have an alternate specialist possible step in.

 

RISKS & PERCEPTION ISSUES

 

1. If Jkrbbit has this "foot-restraint" knowledge and doesn't speak up, she looks like a bad parent.

 

2. If Jkrbbit starts calling authorities and making a huge deal eith police as had been suggested by one post at least, the Courts absolutely recognize this as an attempt to make a big POST-HOC scene to impress the Judge, whom is NEVER impressed with sudden abuse being reported AFTER THE FACT. Therefore, Jkrbbit is between a rock and a rabbit hole. That is why she is trying to give all appearances of being reasonable.

 

3. My fear, is, (counter to my recomendations to take baby to experts for evaluations), is that the specialists are going to be legally bound to step in if they know the child is being abused. If this happens, the child coould end up in the system. That is a really scary thought. NOW - maybe Im being paranoid. But kids do get taken away from parents - that is a fact.

 

4. Jkrbbit needs guidence from her council on this foot-resraint issue. This is the part tha seems yo be missing in thhe posts. Wdee are hearing Jkrbbit's respective read on the law and Judge's habits in ruliings, not her attorneys. Here is where jkrabbit, I am concerned your denial might cause you a blind spot in the interpretation of your case.

 

I Have One of My "LUCY" Ideas.....

 

As I see it, it is to lityle to late to collect evidence of yet another bizarre husband condut, "foot restrain." Suppose it was not too late to collect evidence of at least what he is up to with the child?

 

PLAN A:

 

Make a mess at your new aparment, spilled chocolate milk, art glitter, whatever. Ask husband if he would mind to watch baby bebause you forgot to schedule daycare. Offer him some money to clean your apartment as a job. Have pleanty of cleaning to keep him busy all day. Praise him, say, " you just miss having a tidy home, like he used to provide." "Oh, how would you like to earn $100 today to organize and tidy up my place cause I forgot to set up daycare? Can you help me out with that? I have an important case going to trial this week?"

 

If he takes the bate, beautiful! Have a mini cam above child's crib (install within aa ornimental child' mobile that hangs from the ceiling), also at all locals in child's room, etc., etc. Have cam, in bedroom too. Cams need to be time stamped with computer. This is one way to collect the evidence of the feet-restraint legally, Post-Hoc.

 

PLAN B:

 

Make up, and move back home. Move your stuff home, but keep paying the rent. Ask him to drop the divorce. It sucks, but, so does foot restraint. You will be back into a position to collect evidence.

 

OK. That's all I can think of right now. Dont say a word to him about abuse, or it willl get worse behind your back. Yas

 

PS. You got that Doctor friend. Have you discused with him? Could put him in a weird ethical position. But he may know the proper process to handle this with no CPS intervention.

Edited October 26, 2014 by Yasuandio

[beach]

You will get a better feeling about the situation when you start acting on it instead of reacting to what he does or doesn't do.

 

Yes, take the book as a guide - I'd say you are highly co dependent. Take steps as if you are and do things differently than you would normally do. He's counting on you being wimpy.

 

Be the one to take charge. Make demands if need be. Or just don't communicate at all and keep the child with you. Stating to the court when the time comes the reasons why you have concerns. Make him take a drug test.

[Yasuandio]

You will get a better feeling about the situation when you start acting on it instead of reacting to what he does or doesn't do.

 

Yes, take the book as a guide - I'd say you are highly co dependent. Take steps as if you are and do things differently than you would normally do. He's counting on you being wimpy.

 

Be the one to take charge. Make demands if need be. Or just don't communicate at all and keep the child with you. Stating to the court when the time comes the reasons why you have concerns. Make him take a drug test.

 

I dont think you can just order people to take drug tests. Just making such a statement in Court is very prejudicial. What information, ever here, on LS, is there to suggest that Mr. Jkrbbit is on drugs?

 

If he WAS a former alcholic, and has been clean for years, and Jkrbbit never saw him drinking, he deserves a round of applause, not embarrassment about that past issue. That is what his council would argue. This would make jkrbbit look like she's reaching. Her image is really important here, as she had little evidence of value, other than her oen perceptions, and those of "people she knows."

 

And when it comes down to sitting in the wittness box, people you know, dont seem want to get involved. Or that is what happened in my case - that went into a 3 day trial. My best friend of almost 20 years saw a great deal (domestic violence, mental abuse, financial abuse, humilation to me in front of colleagues, hostility directed towards colleagues in my home and in public, verbal abuse to me and my mother, etc.), but she backed off when the time came.

 

What a mess. I think a sting is a good option. Whose got a better idea?

 

This thing has to get re-vamped. There is no plan, no direction, no nothing. It is all up in the air and Mr, Jkrbbit is driving the bus. Admittedly, and understandably, OUR Jkrbbit is losing speed at work, losing sleep, and sometimes, her thinking is skewed with co-dependency, which isnt going away anytime soon. She got herself shot in the foot. Normally she would have known better. This is a delicate matter, he has control of her most precious diamond, and she has no idea what the eff is happening when he is in husband's vault.

 

im leaning towards this friend she has in the medical field for direction. Im worried. I better shut it. Other smart people will come with ideas. We are all with you jkrbbit. Yas

Edited October 26, 2014 by Yasuandio

[tippydog90]

I do not think you should agree to temp 50 50 custody, because i do think it may affect the permanent outcome. I guess my question is what has your attorney advised? I take it you have discussed all of this with your counsel? I think you need to do whatever you need to do at this point to ensure your child is safe, and if there is ANY doubt in your mind about that, you need to take aggressive action now.

[beach]

It is his behavior and attitude that makes me think he isn't sober.

 

Nothing about the way he thinks or acts looks like someone who has worked a solid program of sobriety. If he were following the principles of AA he wouldn't be trying to control the outcome. He wouldn't look so selfish and self centered if he was following a program. He'd be a productive member of society and he's be willing to consider how he affects others.

 

He'd also be sponsoring OTHERS.

[Yasuandio]

It is his behavior and attitude that makes me think he isn't sober.

 

Nothing about the way he thinks or acts looks like someone who has worked a solid program of sobriety. If he were following the principles of AA he wouldn't be trying to control the outcome. He wouldn't look so selfish and self centered if he was following a program. He'd be a productive member of society and he's be willing to consider how he affects others.

 

He'd also be sponsoring OTHERS.

 

HUH?

 

There is no requirement that this guy follow the AA twelve step methodology. The fact that he does or doesn't follow prescibed AA processes is not an indication that he is drinking again, because AA is not the only method to stop drinking.

 

A person's behavior and attitude is not an indication that they are drinking, unless they are drunk. Thus far, there is no evidence that the guy is drinking. On the contrary, according to jkrbbit, he seems fixcated on hobbies intended to keep his mind occupied - and compensate his need for alcholol. The hobby system appears to be working for the guy, rather than testifying in a smoky room chowing down cigs and coffees (like rehabilitation centers where patients are carefully montored by phycisians and medical staff).

 

There is no denying AA has turned millions of people's lives around, that is a fact. But this guy's lack of participation in an AA or other sort of alcholic SPONSORSHIP programs is absolutely no indicator that he is drinking, or requires drug testing. Yas

[beach]

My response was because she indicated he used to go to AA meetings.

 

And if course it's not the only way that works. But it is a high success rate when a person does all their steps. It is designed to invoke the drinker to CHANGE - to which there's no evidence his behavior has changed.

 

His behavior is what makes me suspicious he's doing some sort of "altering" now. Leaving a child in the care of anyone with such concerning behavior is cause for proof that the person isn't altered. Especially if the history of abuse is there.

Edited October 26, 2014 by beach

[jakrbbt]

My response was because she indicated he used to go to AA meetings.

 

And if course it's not the only way that works. But it is a high success rate when a person does all their steps. It is designed to invoke the drinker to CHANGE - to which there's no evidence his behavior has changed.

 

His behavior is what makes me suspicious he's doing some sort of "altering" now. Leaving a child in the care of anyone with such concerning behavior is cause for proof that the person isn't altered. Especially if the history of abuse is there.

 

Yes, he stopped going to regular AA meetings about four years ago. And things started going downhill about a year after that, looking back. I don't know that he's actively using, or that I could make him prove otherwise-- I'll certainly mention it to my lawyer. But last year I got onto Al-Anon and looked up "dry drunk" because I was looking for answers. Maybe people aren't as good as sober when they stop using , but also stop working a program. However, I'm not sure I can have any say in him going back through AA, I'll mention it to my lawyer though.

 

If this is really about sobriety, and not a personality disorder, there's a little more hope for the long-term future.

 

Gotta read more of the codependency book. If I truly do what I think is best, which is to attempt to mediate but not unwisely give in, to inform the court, seek out the advice of professionals, and to ask for 70/30 unless and until H is stable enough for the court's satisfaction, then I can live with the outcome. The court's not going to force me to be my husband's slave for life and pay him to sit around jobless and emotionally abusing our son like he did me. It won't award lifelong spousal support or even any large amount of child support, the most I'm looking at is temp support if the court thinks that H is disabled or something, and that's a long-shot, he's been making $19/hr and spending it on hobbies.

 

I have to trust my lawyer and the court. This is about my child. I can't think in terms of "winning" and "losing" and control, like my H and his uneducated, unintelligent, truly narcissistic sister. He'll always want to control me, but come to think of it, that's not the most relevant thing in my life. I have to put my time into my son, my job, my health, and making the right decisions in my case with my lawyer's advice. A couple extra hours sitting in lawyer's office will probably be worthwhile, just to get my concerns across and gather information about the long-haul of the case.

 

I have to lead with my head, not my emotions, when dealing with H.

[jakrbbt]

Anyone else divorce a passive-aggressive, or narcissistic, or otherwise high-conflict personality spouse? General advice for that?

[Yasuandio]

My response was because she indicated he used to go to AA meetings.

 

And if course it's not the only way that works. But it is a high success rate when a person does all their steps. It is designed to invoke the drinker to CHANGE - to which there's no evidence his behavior has changed.

 

His behavior is what makes me suspicious he's doing some sort of "altering" now. Leaving a child in the care of anyone with such concerning behavior is cause for proof that the person isn't altered. Especially if the history of abuse is there.

 

Not a good argument to request or demand a drug test. Jkrabbit has to leave the child in the care of someone else when she's at work. That doesn't mean she is "altered." It could be the man is grieved over his wife leaving him, and setting up house - keeping elsewhere (not).

 

However, 1001 reason could explain why he chose to allow another person to care for the child. I'm not saying that is right or wrong (as, personally, as I've put down, I don't like where he has left the child), but again, it is not an indication of an altered state. Poor judgment, maybe. Laziness, perhaps. We don't know. Actually, it's not our business - unless it breaks the law.

 

Nor is leaving the child at an alternate location for a "reasonable" period of time (daycare, friend or relative's home) an indication of an altered state, OR an indicator that PROOF of an altered state should be established based on the aforementioned criterion. No way.

 

When he drops the baby off, it is entirely possible that he could be at the market or shopping, taking a break to sort himself out - as a full time parent of an infant might logically need to do once in awhile, tending to business matters (maybe at an interview, looking for cheaper housing, working with a resume preparer, seeing his attorney, etc.).

 

Having a small child is problematic when you are suddenly slammed with having to find a job, and figure out how to do all the things Ms Jkrbbit used to do. Wakie, wakie. But these disappearing acts do not mean he is "altered."

 

I sort of learned a lesson about making assumptions about this guy when Jkrbbit had him followed by the PI. It turned out he was hanging out with his sister most of time, when he rudely walked out the door the minute Jkrbbit got home from work. His other activities were simply working on his hobby car, and, taking it out on an innocent cruise, down a lovely highway. That's it.

 

I was surprised. While the the additional sister face-time discovered by the PI was not welcome news to jkrbbit, I certainly was expecting something much more devient. That is where I learned two lessons. One, it is not always a good idea to make such huge assumptions. This lesson is always going to be hard for me to get thru my thick skull, because I am very suspicious by nature, snd also, darn creative with what I can imagine. The second lesson I learned will stick, I think, that being: do not underestimate what some people consider devient (I wasn't hearing the seriousness of that part, until the PI discovery, then I had a real yucky feeling about it).

 

If that guy was drinking again, (as I suspected when he was going out at night), the PI would have likely gotten some intel on him. There was too much free time, too much opportunity. It just wasn't happening, at least at that point.

 

Now, that said, an alcoholic under extreme pressure, over a period of time, COULD crack, and break down, knock a few back. That is what I'd be watching for. The fact he needs the breaks from the child COULD indicate he is feeling weak. I would buy into that argument, beach.

 

Yas

Edited October 26, 2014 by Yasuandio

[beach]

I disagree for many reasons Yas.

 

It's his behavior that looks like drinking or using behavior.

 

If he's to care for a child it's not wise to trust him to care properly for the child.

 

I have extensive experience with active drinkers/users and equally as much with those that are in recovery. The more than 100 I've sponsored have been remarkable. The ones that work a solid plan of recovery NEVER look like her husband. The ones who don't recover and are still active look like her husband.

[jakrbbt]

I disagree for many reasons Yas.

 

It's his behavior that looks like drinking or using behavior.

 

If he's to care for a child it's not wise to trust him to care properly for the child.

 

I have extensive experience with active drinkers/users and equally as much with those that are in recovery. The more than 100 I've sponsored have been remarkable. The ones that work a solid plan of recovery NEVER look like her husband. The ones who don't recover and are still active look like her husband.

 

This is very interesting to me. I don't have your background of experience with people addicted to substances, H is the first one I've been close to. I'd be surprised if he were using or drinking, because he's reallllllly have to be hiding it well. And he's "helping" a friend who's a recovering heroin addict-- at least, he's been available to that friend by phone and text and has encouraged his efforts to get clean.

 

But if he's using, why the demand for sole custody? I get that he thinks he'll get money that way, but who wants to deal with a toddler when actively using or drinking?

 

Judges have so much experience with drug users and alcoholics-- the meat of their dockets is criminal, and those cases so often come with drug or alcohol problems. Maybe a judge hearing my descriptions will go ahead and order a test. But again, I doubt he's drinking or using, just because he'd have to be hiding it so uncannily well. But you do have the experience Beach, so I'm very interested in your hunch.

[beach]

Sole custody because he does get more money from you.

 

He figures he can have the child sleep on his schedule and drop the child off to friends and family any time he needs to disappear. All without explaining any of it to you.

 

And yes, they do hide it - VERY well!

[jakrbbt]

 

And yes, they do hide it - VERY well!

 

Even someone who was in recovery for years? And therefore knows the problems and errors with using/covering up, and the benefits to recovery? Seems like you'd have ro be in denial to keep covering up.

[jakrbbt]

I'll be emailing my husband and telling him that I won't agree to 50/50 time unless and until he's addressed my safety and stability concerns. And if he thinks the concerns are unreasonable or baseless, he can present that to a mediator-- they're free, and I am not going to just retract my real concerns if and when my husband tell me, as he probably will, in an abusive way, that my concerns are offensive to him and that I have no right having any.

 

I'm dreading both the email and his reaction to it. I hate this.

[jakrbbt]

I think I'll go ahead and post my old email and his reply-- from a week or 2 ago. I think he sounds concerned only for himself.

 

FROM ME TO H:

 

"Hi [H], like I said before, we all need a more predictable temporary parenting plan than just five days at a time, so that I can work and plan things and [son]can have predictability. I know you are wanting overnights, and I want you guys to have that too. I've always done his overnight care, but I'd like him to have that bond with you as well. That's why I spent all those (not very easy) nights crib-training [son], so he could at least not be co-sleeping with me any longer and could start having nights with you.

 

I know I already mentioned this, but [son] and I met with a family therapist and developmental psychologist who specializes in children his age. She told me that [son] is specifically attached to me for his overnights right now and that the first night he spends with you, he'll likely be confused, even if it's at the old house. She advised starting him out very gradually, with one overnight per week with you for 3 or 4 weeks and keeping an eye on how he's doing, before increasing it to 2 overnights per week. I'd like to follow her suggestion and if you want, you can come meet with her too, she's a specialist and can guide us in transitioning [son] well.

 

I still have some concerns about him staying there overnight--not that you can't possibly address them. You did tell me many times that you could not do his overnight care because it would be too difficult to both do that and function while watching him during the day. You couldn't do it on weekends or my telecommute days because you needed your rest, and I know you have complained of needing a lot more hours of sleep than most. I'd want to make sure that you'd be willing to take him to the doctor if he got injured, because you objected to that last month even when the doctor told me to bring him into the ER-- and we'd have to make sure you get the doctor's phone number in your phone and all that (that part's easy). I also want to know a bit more about your basic future scheduling and living plans, so we can make sure we're giving [son] a consistent plan we can stick with for a bit. My concern there is, I want to have [son] to ease gradually into the overnights rather than have a certain number and then suddenly have them changed up.

 

I don't mean to convey that my concerns are insurmountable or to couch them as flat-out objections. I'd like them addressed so that I can agree to overnights with you.

 

I'd suggest a temporary plan with one overnight with you, and if [son] does well and the counselor thinks he is adjusting, then we increase after three weeks to two overnights with you. I'd suggest a plan where [details of a basically 60-40 or 70-30 plan]. For his age, I like that plan because he sees us both very frequently and has time to adjust and get some consistency. And I'd really like to keep working with the developmental counselor on this-- if you want to come see her with me, that would be nice but obviously no obligation."

 

[No email response to that one.]

 

{Later:]

FROM ME TO H:

 

"[Husband], Right now we have no parenting plan, and you've told me that we won't agree to one and that you will not mediate, but you haven't offered any proposal or even discussed any aspect of the equal-access plan I proposed. I did text you that I think we at least agreed you'd have [son] from 6:30 tonight through 11 tomorrow morning, but you won't even respond to that.

 

I emailed you a plan where [son] begins one overnight with you per week and phases into more overnights with you, at the suggestion of the early-child therapist we are seeing. Because of more lopsided overnights, I proposed still dividing his days and evenings. You wouldn't agree to that, but you wouldn't be any more specific than saying that you wanted "more" overnights right away. You told me twice that you would not discuss it.

 

Then I proposed just starting with two overnights even though the therapist recommended not starting them that fast. I suggested beginning with tonight, Saturday night. You agreed that you wanted him overnight Sat night but told me as for a plan, we'd talk Friday night at exactly 10:37.

 

I spent a couple hours Friday evening putting a plan together that, over the span of 14 days, gave each parent an equal number of days, equal number of overnights, and equal spans of long-and-short times with [son], where he does not have to go too long without seeing one parent, and we each have some weekend time with him, with some variability, and you rarely have to wake up early to pick him up when I go to [office]. I emailed you the plan. I proposed it even though [son] has so far spent every night with only me all his life and even though you still haven't addressed some of my safety concerns-- because I think we need a plan.

 

You told me that night that you wouldn't discuss the plan. You said we wouldn't agree on a plan, period. I asked you to propose a plan, or at least to tell me what you wanted from a plan so I could try to put one together based on that--and you kept insisting that "we" would not agree to any plan. I said that the court might have free mediation for us even if it's not court-ordered, and that I could call them.

 

You said that you would not do any mediation. I asked what your objection was to an equal-access plan, and you said that you didn't know what you wanted, but that you thought you wanted more than equal access. You said we'd have to have a full-blown hearing because "we" would not agree on any plan.

 

You told me that what we would do, without any plan, is talk every day or two to determine who would have [son] when.

 

Because you won't even agree to equal-access, I am afraid that on any given daily conversation about who would see [son] when, you will tell me I can't see him yet and you will refuse to let me see him for some unknown period of time.

 

[son] needs stability. The therapist was very clear that that is one of the most important things for him during this transition where we're newly separated. As his parent, it's my job to give him stability. I have to be able to schedule things for him such as doctor appointments, any regular care he might have, play dates with children he can bond with, and of course, know when he's seeing each parent. And I have to be able to plan my life without having to discuss it with you every day or two, which to me feels very manipulative.

 

You have asked for several things these past weeks such as having me drop off [son] in the morning before I leave for work so you don't have to wake up and come get him-- which is out of my way and adds 40 minutes to my hour-long commute, plus requires [son] to wake early-- and waiting for two and a half hours right up to his nap time for you to come get him on a weekend day, without any specificity so we couldn't go anywhere or have the neighbor kids over for a play date. I'm ok with some flexibility, and things come up, but if we have to talk every day or two and I'm having to meet these kinds of requests, that's unworkable.

 

You know that I am very on board with having [son] spend plenty of time with you and with having [son] spend overnights with you. That's why I took it upon myself to crib-train him, all those grueling nights, when you would not. It's why I bought and assembled a toddler bed and left you with his crib that converts to a toddler bed, plus his very nice mattress and topper and waterproof pad and extra crib sheets. I also bought an extra set of his bath toiletries, more spare diapers et c, and agreed to pay your rent and utilities for 2 months plus car insurance for 6 months, plus I keep getting you groceries and coffee and such-- because I want you to be able to keep being with [son] and not be in a situation where you're homeless and looking for a job and have no time and no way to provide a place to be with him.

 

But as it stands now, I'm in an impossible position where I don't have any assurance that you'll give him back to me on any given day, or that you'll be the one with him any given day that I have work, including oral argument, or that if I schedule other care for him such as day care or [grandma], that you won't cause an inconvenience or even a scene pulling him out or cancelling it at the last minute. Again, [son] needs stability, and I'm not going to put myself and him in a situation like that. Unless you can propose a reasonable parenting plan, or accept one of the ones I proposed, (and I'm fine with a graduated plan that introduces some changes over the course of some weeks so he can adjust), then I'm going to continue with what we have now, which he's been adjusting to very well, adding in an overnight for now because we're already about to do one tonight."

 

[FROM H TO ME:]

 

"I sent you my parenting proposal this morning. While creating it I read yor email that I'm responding to here. Your tone in it is as condescending as its content is manipulating and untrue. All of it. It demonstrates a pathology that merits inquiry. We are both uneasy about the pending proceedings. It's been said that "when all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail". You can document your spin on our situation all you like, but keep in mind the long list of emails that each is being forwarded to. You won't lawyer your way into favor with such attempts to document yourself in the best possible light. You've said yourself that legal proceedings are not a game, and that it comes down to what the law says.

 

[The following are almost entirely untrue, provably untrue, "facts"]:

 

Your email seems to leave out that I have been [son's] primary means of falling asleep since he was born. Will you really deny that [son] has fallen asleep in my two arms for at least ninety percent of his life? [untrue] How many times have I successfully put [son] to sleep after your best efforts failed? You've slept next to [son] only after I was able to get him the rest that he needed. Your commute from work in [work] put you home around 6:00, untrue, and [son] was often in the going to sleep process by 9:00. [not true] With this narrow window of time with [son], how important should your nightly trips to the gym or the treadmill have been in comparison to how well you can get your son to sleep? [never went to any gym more than 10 times in baby's life, and then only after he was asleep] These things were missing in your email. I do not need you to agree on overnights with me and [son]. If/since we disagree, there are provisions for that that will be applied. Your self-appointed executorship of our son is as offensive as it is misplaced. Your demeanor is inseparable from your profession and would make the reasonable person weary of you regarding anything of consequence.

 

As for co-sleeping, you've always known that I've been opposed to this for [baby] and for us. [completely untrue.] The American Academy of Pediatrics has long held that co-sleeping after six months leads to separation anxiety thereafter. You must have seen that in your research and ignored it.

 

As for my sleep, I've had to fight for what I've been able to get. Your asking me to sleep with [son] in my bed after having spent 10-12 hours one-on-one with him during the day is unreasonable. Your refusal to have [son] sleep in a crib sooner than five days before you found another place to live was unreasonable. Your insistence that [son] not sleep in a crib in his nursurey, but instead must sleep in a bed with you or me is/was unreasonable. [never insisted on that; the opposite.] It doesn't make sense, and it's not evidence-based. [son] usually wakes once per night for a diaper change, if that. [untrue and I have screen shots of his old wakings for feedings et c.] That is both from observation and your report. [nope.] Your concerns are not concerns, but rather a tactical conjecture that works against you rather than for you.

 

You mention the grocery gift card as if were really a gift. The gender role reversal here is fascinating in that I should be grateful that the financial provider for the family left the home, but was kind enough to keep some food in the house for ther others. Amazing.

 

As for your therapist, she is just that. Yours. She only knows what she has been told by you. Your therapist and I have never communicated in any way. In such a case, a therapist will cite what the research says regarding what is being described, but only that. We're both concerned about what is best for [son], and we often disagree about what that is. What is best for [son] will not be decided in any kind of communication between us or by your therapist.

 

If we disagree on so much on so many things, what possibility is there that we could magically come together on something so dear to both of us as our son? I want [son] to be with his mommy regularly and represent the best of his mommy as he grows. I'm sure you want the same, and I'm just as sure that we don't agree on much more than that.

 

I'm waiting to hear from you regarding the proposal that I texted to you this morning."

 

 

 

Now that I've had some distance from H, he simply sounds as if he's trying to scare me by making me believe that the court will believe his falsehoods and will somehow rule "against" me because I am a lawyer and am employed. He's wrong. His accusations that I am being "tactical" and untruthful show his hand, I think. Ugh. He even blames me for his own refusal to help with our baby overnight.

 

And he gives a three-fold message: 1) You had no right to leave; 2) I am personally offended that you'd express any concerns about our son that involve me at all; and 3) you have no standing and no right to have concerns, or make decisions, about our son-- nor does any therapist or doctor seeing him. He is my possession, and mine to use to get money from you."

 

I think an email to him is warranted, where I tell him that unless he addresses my concerns, I won't agree to 50/50 and he and I can go to mediation if he doesn't agree to 70/30 or address the concerns. I know he'll likely file for a full-blown hearing, but so be it.

Edited October 28, 2014 by jakrbbt

[beach]

I'm not sure why you are interacting with him at all.

 

Have your attorney contact his.

 

He's twisting everything - so expect more of the same.

 

Start getting into action. Action that makes him understand you are doing things to change this. Take charge! Demand a hearing now.

 

He's BEEN in charge because you've allowed it by being passive and reactionary.

 

Get busy.

 

And it looks like he has no intention of:

Getting a job

Agreeing to suggestions you offer

Going along with any plan you have

 

It simply looks like he's typing to document info to the court and at the same time never agreeing with what you propose.

 

 

 

I also doubt he will move - he may stay and not pay rent. You need to be sure your name is off the lease when it expires.

Edited October 28, 2014 by beach

[BetrayedH]

Check out his custody plan and look for a compromise that permits 50/50 overnights.

 

None of this email interaction serves any other purpose.

[hotgurl]

why are your engaging him? What does your lawyer say? Screw the money divorce is pricey. You can always make the money back.

[Yasuandio]

Jkrbbit,

Just like you said, your emails are creating potential exhibit. I will give you my take of these so-called exhibits is short order, they are self-serving, to say the least. In the context of your husbands replys, it appears to me that you unnessarily opened a can of worms, and showed your cards. Your husband made some decent arguments, and you are unable to add edits in parenthesis to the "potential exhibits."

 

Im not an attorney, howeven, I havd 15 years experience in litagation. I wouldn't want that set of communication to exist, frankly. Testimony and facts can be established in Court. Email concerning parenting plan can be achieved with bullet points.

 

You have to stop communicating. I think he scored the pojnt on this one. Does your attorney know that your are creating these documents? If not, you need to show him this can of worms, right away. Let the attorney handle these matters. What you have written pushes his buttons, and it is an obvious conclusion what you are trying to achieve. And it didn't work. It blew up in your face, in my opinion.

 

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, hon. I had to tell you the truth of my take. And I am well this morning, my mind is functiong high capacity - no mania at this time. YAS

 

 

PS. But I understand why you do this. I did the samd thing yesterday trying to get my Warrenty Deeds signed (2 years post decree), and money SOB stole from me. He justs gives me the NC, which is just as maddening. The numerious requests and demands Ive made over the years probably make me look bad. Maaybe Judge will decide too reverse the order and give him the homes since Ive been such a bitch, and he said and did nothing, including NOT signing the deeds, so the houses remain in the air.

 

We got to be careful what we write. It is too latd for me to take back any mental crap, or even sane crap I wrote in an attempt to get him to comply with order. But your mind is not dis-ordered, think what you would advise another attorney doing what you are doing, and then take a fresh look at this post.

[jakrbbt]

Jkrbbit,

Just like you said, your emails are creating potential exhibit. I will give you my take of these so-called exhibits is short order, they are self-serving, to say the least. In the context of your husbands replys, it appears to me that you unnessarily opened a can of worms, and showed your cards. Your husband made some decent arguments, and you are unable to add edits in parenthesis to the "potential exhibits."

 

Im not an attorney, howeven, I havd 15 years experience in litagation. I wouldn't want that set of communication to exist, frankly. Testimony and facts can be established in Court. Email concerning parenting plan can be achieved with bullet points.

 

You have to stop communicating. I think he scored the pojnt on this one. Does your attorney know that your are creating these documents? If not, you need to show him this can of worms, right away. Let the attorney handle these matters. What you have written pushes his buttons, and it is an obvious conclusion what you are trying to achieve. And it didn't work. It blew up in your face, in my opinion.

 

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, hon. I had to tell you the truth of my take. And I am well this morning, my mind is functiong high capacity - no mania at this time. YAS

 

 

PS. But I understand why you do this. I did the samd thing yesterday trying to get my Warrenty Deeds signed (2 years post decree), and money SOB stole from me. He justs gives me the NC, which is just as maddening. The numerious requests and demands Ive made over the years probably make me look bad. Maaybe Judge will decide too reverse the order and give him the homes since Ive been such a bitch, and he said and did nothing, including NOT signing the deeds, so the houses remain in the air.

 

We got to be careful what we write. It is too latd for me to take back any mental crap, or even sane crap I wrote in an attempt to get him to comply with order. But your mind is not dis-ordered, think what you would advise another attorney doing what you are doing, and then take a fresh look at this post.

 

I disagree that the emails are bad for me or that they even aren't good-- though it would be bad to keep sending him emails.

 

Even if his "facts" were true, none of them work against me in a custody dispute. The court isn't going to penalize a parent for working, especially when the other one refused to work-- or worse, worked part time 2 hours away and refused to contribute at all with the paychecks. And co-sleeping helps me more than hurts. But the claims are very demonstrably untrue, so if it comes to a hearing, his story will fall apart and he'll appear dishonest.

 

The court wants to know which parent will most likely be willing to work with the other parent, and to encourage a relationship between the other parent and the child. That's by statute. They're used to spouses trying to use children to control the other spouse, and they know that's not good for the child. I'm trying to work with my ex, he's trying to put up roadblocks and stating that we can't work together bc he's mad that I left when I was supposed to support him. Him. I was supposed to support HIM-- notice I'm still supporting my son, and he's wanting to interfere with that, and he's thinking I "walked out on" some kind of duty to support him,-- I never walked out on my son. Who cares about me being able to provide for our son, thinks H. I should support him while he remains unemployed instead.

 

But now I'm caught between wanting to cooperate with him, wanting the courts to see that I want that, and on the other hand, really starting to think that it's in the child's best interest to live with me and have a few visits per week with dad, at least until H cleans up his act.

 

A few weeks of H refusing to do what's in child's best interest, refusing to communicate with me about the visitation times, refusing to address my safety concerns, and disregarding what the child experts say when I get our son evaluated, will help me to show that our child should live with me. And if he steps up instead, then great. That would be best.

 

I just have to make sure that that few weeks won't harm my child. I've got him scheduled for a therapist and also child wellness evaluation center.

 

My goal this next few weeks is to take care of myself, read more dalai lama, listen to classical music, watch the BBC Power of Art documentary, play play play with my son, sleep, go for walks, do my work with relish. After several days of that and counseling, I bet I come up with a course of action. Right now I'm wringing my hands and obsessing on the problem.

 

If I tell him I no longer agree to 50/50, he'll retaliate for sure-- and horribly. Better to wait for more evidence and expert opinions for him to refute. And of course, as BetrayedH and others have said, maybe while I'm giving him a chance to fail, he'll succeed instead, and heed the experts and become a constructive co-parent. I'd love that. Neither one will happen inside of the next few days, and I do need to show the court how willing I am to cooperate with him, bc that's an important factor in a custody decision and besides that, it's the truth-- conditioned on whether it's best for our son given H's apparent issues.

[jakrbbt]

why are your engaging him? What does your lawyer say? Screw the money divorce is pricey. You can always make the money back.

 

Yeah, I need to remove fear of divorce costs from the calculus of my decisions. But my lawyer-- and the courts-- think it's best to try to work out a parenting plan with H, without the courts, if possible. It avoids the hassle of a hearing and allows the parents who are usually in the best situation to know the child's needs to decide, and it shows how willing I am to cooperate with H.

[BetrayedH]

The court wants to know which parent will most likely be willing to work with the other parent, and to encourage a relationship between the other parent and the child. That's by statute.

 

Yep. It's ironic but the fact is that many judges are apt to grant more custody to the parent that is most likely to give up the child more readily. This is why, even in the face of an awful custody battle, it's critical that you appear reasonable in all of your efforts. When you have an established history of proactively presenting your spouse with 50/50 custody plans, you are more likely to have greater than 50/50 custody.

 

You're doing fine. Just keep making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Don't be a doormat but don't shoot yourself in the foot either.

 

As for mediation, think very hard about the details of exactly what you NEED and exactly what you CANNOT accept (and frankly, all the details in between). If you can come to agreement on those things in mediation, great. But if you can't, I wouldn't hesitate to go to court. If your H thinks you don't want to go, he'll use that to his advantage.

[Mr. Lucky]

As for mediation, think very hard about the details of exactly what you NEED and exactly what you CANNOT accept (and frankly, all the details in between). If you can come to agreement on those things in mediation, great. But if you can't, I wouldn't hesitate to go to court. If your H thinks you don't want to go, he'll use that to his advantage.

Start with what you're willing to give up. For instance, if you had more ongoing custody, could he have certain holidays? Be clear about what's important to you and ready to horsetrade...

 

Mr. Lucky