He filed, asked for sole custody

[Yasuandio]

10 characters. Decided not to post response. Yas

Edited October 31, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

Found out from a mutual friend/family that my husband's only plan is to have me support him completely-- including paying his rent in the five-bedroom, three-full-bathroom house where he's living now. He feels he is entitled to have me totally support him, as compensation for his having cared for our son while I worked after I was done with maternity leave. (Which he didn't really even do most the time, and he also worked about half-time while I watched our son, but he didn't contribute with his paychecks). He feels that I had no right to leave him, and that he has to teach me a lesson by going after all my money. And also, he isn't even aware that the court will impute minimum wage or higher to him while making its child support calculations, even if he's not working-- he totally quit even his part-time job so that he could say his income is zero, hoping the court will order me to support him while he continues not to work. When asked whether he'd thought about what I and my son would do if all my money was going to H, he replied, "That's her problem, not mine."

 

My counselor called his plan "exploitive."

[beach]

Not surprising at all - it's what I've been trying to tell you.

 

Start helping yourself and the situation by going on the offensive - meaning take action.

 

He's been putting you on the defensive because you keep thinking he's going to be decent. He's not decent.

 

He will screw you over royally if you don't look out for your interest.

[Trimmer]

OK, I've been reading the mail all through your thread here, and I empathize with you greatly. In a divorce, it only takes one person being an @$$hole to really screw things up, and that sucks. And I have a special venom for a parent who can't put the good of the child above ALL the other ego and hurt feelings and all of that.

 

Having said that, I'm not much in favor of you experimenting and guessing how the court is going to look at your various behaviors in an eventual proceeding on the divorce, and I'm not in favor of you taking advice from the well-meaning folks of widely varying experience here on this thread for the purpose of deciding how you are going to try to position yourself in this difficult interaction.

 

Instead, I am strongly in favor of you getting such advice from your lawyer, who is familiar with family law in your jurisdiction. We can all give our support and suggestions for how you might communicate with him, but as to the mechanics of what you should propose, how much of a hard line you should take, how much money you should offer him in the temporary arrangement, all that stuff - it just seems to me you want to be getting that advice from your lawyer, who is the best one to tell you how a judge might look at all these behaviors later.

 

I know people on here have personal experience, and some even have career experience, but your lawyer is the one who knows your state's laws, and maybe even the tendency of judges in your jurisdiction to look at certain behaviors in certain ways.

 

When I originally told you I thought you should work this kind of stuff out with your lawyer, I got the impression that you said you wanted to avoid that because you didn't want to drag things into court so quickly. (Maybe I'm remembering that wrong, so correct me if so...) But that wasn't what I meant - what I meant is that your lawyer should be helping you position yourself NOW, with advice on how you should behave, what you should or shouldn't offer in your proposed temporary parenting plan, the areas where you should be flexible, and the areas on which you should hold a hard line...

 

All due respect to the folks on this thread, but in any instance where you are wondering "how will this look when it comes down to a court reviewing our case," you should be getting that advice from your lawyer, not from us.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Trimmer

[jakrbbt]

OK, I've been reading the mail all through your thread here, and I empathize with you greatly. In a divorce, it only takes one person being an @$$hole to really screw things up, and that sucks. And I have a special venom for a parent who can't put the good of the child above ALL the other ego and hurt feelings and all of that.

 

Having said that, I'm not much in favor of you experimenting and guessing how the court is going to look at your various behaviors in an eventual proceeding on the divorce, and I'm not in favor of you taking advice from the well-meaning folks of widely varying experience here on this thread for the purpose of deciding how you are going to try to position yourself in this difficult interaction.

 

Instead, I am strongly in favor of you getting such advice from your lawyer, who is familiar with family law in your jurisdiction. We can all give our support and suggestions for how you might communicate with him, but as to the mechanics of what you should propose, how much of a hard line you should take, how much money you should offer him in the temporary arrangement, all that stuff - it just seems to me you want to be getting that advice from your lawyer, who is the best one to tell you how a judge might look at all these behaviors later.

 

I know people on here have personal experience, and some even have career experience, but your lawyer is the one who knows your state's laws, and maybe even the tendency of judges in your jurisdiction to look at certain behaviors in certain ways.

 

When I originally told you I thought you should work this kind of stuff out with your lawyer, I got the impression that you said you wanted to avoid that because you didn't want to drag things into court so quickly. (Maybe I'm remembering that wrong, so correct me if so...) But that wasn't what I meant - what I meant is that your lawyer should be helping you position yourself NOW, with advice on how you should behave, what you should or shouldn't offer in your proposed temporary parenting plan, the areas where you should be flexible, and the areas on which you should hold a hard line...

 

All due respect to the folks on this thread, but in any instance where you are wondering "how will this look when it comes down to a court reviewing our case," you should be getting that advice from your lawyer, not from us.

 

I agree with that, but the other perspectives just help from a human viewpoint even if not really legal advice, and I defer to my lawyer but can present ideas I get from here. But I'm super wary of posting too much about what my lawyer advises-- not that there's any secret, specific strategy, but on the super-off-chance that H gets ahold of my laptop and goes into my history and finds posts, I don't want to be destroying atty-client privilege. Paranoid, I know.

 

That said, I think I'm needing a sit-down with my attorney, to gather big-picture facts at this stage.

[jakrbbt]

Now I'm worried about the prospect that my son will grow up with huge daddy issues.

 

The message from H is: "I didn't want to watch the brat, but I did it-- sometimes. When I wasn't taking off to go sailing or live my surly married-bachelor life. And because I watched him a little bit, and it was hard and awful, damnit-- well, you owe me for that. You have to pay for it. Why would I have done it otherwise? I feel duped after wiping that little butt so many times! If having sole custody of him like he's some possession will help me get money from you, then that's what I'll go for. He is my cash cow. And I want you to pay ME the money that you make and that you could otherwise use to care for him. Because I need cigars, and hobbies, and to sleep till noon and not work. And by the way, you-- the boy's mother-- are my primary enemy."

 

How would you feel if this was your dad, growing up? And you bet he's going to try and force the child to conform strictly to his creepy, unhealthy family's standards, or else my husband will be an outcast of his family. So my son also won't be accepted for who he is.

 

Can I counter all that just by being a good mother with my half?

[jakrbbt]

I think I'll ask for alimony from HIM, because I took a bunch of time off work, decreased my production and totally passed up a promotion (production being the main reason for promotion) in order to support all his trips to the 2-hour-away city to work. And if he wants me to compensate him for watching our child, then he also compensates me at the same rate for doing the same-- even if you don't count the overnights (but oh, those overnights count-- especially when baby was tiny!!)-- I'd come out way ahead. Let him support me. If he's entitled to it, why aren't I? It's my turn. He had his turn, and he couldn't even use it to parent. At least I'd buy diapers and engage with the child. My turn to be supported by him after working a double-shift, job plus almost full-time parent, and supporting him.

 

I'm being facetious. I don't want compensation for taking care of my own baby son.

[Trimmer]

Now I'm worried about the prospect that my son will grow up with huge daddy issues.

 

The message from H is: "I didn't want to watch the brat, but I did it-- sometimes. When I wasn't taking off to go sailing or live my surly married-bachelor life. And because I watched him a little bit, and it was hard and awful, damnit-- well, you owe me for that. You have to pay for it. Why would I have done it otherwise? I feel duped after wiping that little butt so many times! If having sole custody of him like he's some possession will help me get money from you, then that's what I'll go for. He is my cash cow. And I want you to pay ME the money that you make and that you could otherwise use to care for him. Because I need cigars, and hobbies, and to sleep till noon and not work. And by the way, you-- the boy's mother-- are my primary enemy."

 

How would you feel if this was your dad, growing up? And you bet he's going to try and force the child to conform strictly to his creepy, unhealthy family's standards, or else my husband will be an outcast of his family. So my son also won't be accepted for who he is.

 

Can I counter all that just by being a good mother with my half?

Ah, I know I just finished saying not to take advice from "us idiots" here on the thread but was this a text or Email that you can save and document? I don't know if this will help your case any, but man, that attitude sucks.

 

Keep yourself level - don't get drawn into a fight. Keep doing what's reasonable, and have a sit-down with your lawyer to guide your strategy, in light of your STBXH doing his best to shoot himself in the foot...

[Trimmer]

I agree with that, but the other perspectives just help from a human viewpoint even if not really legal advice, and I defer to my lawyer but can present ideas I get from here. But I'm super wary of posting too much about what my lawyer advises-- not that there's any secret, specific strategy, but on the super-off-chance that H gets ahold of my laptop and goes into my history and finds posts, I don't want to be destroying atty-client privilege. Paranoid, I know.

 

That said, I think I'm needing a sit-down with my attorney, to gather big-picture facts at this stage.

I completely agree - I don't want to know what your lawyer is advising you to do; I would be just as cautious about posting as you are. I'm just glad that you are getting such advice, that you are getting some concrete guidance specific to the laws of your state, and the ways divorces are handled in your jurisdiction.

 

Spending a little money in conference with your lawyer for advice at this point may be a good investment.

[BetrayedH]

...Can I counter all that just by being a good mother with my half?

 

That one is a challenge for all of us. I could just as easily sit here and list the characteristics of my exwife (and her very influential family) that I don't want passed on to my children.

 

The problem with this train of thought is that we chose to coparent with these people a long time ago. That was a function of having sex with them, not a function of divorcing them.

 

But for what it's worth, I have started similar threads in the past and at the end of the day, I feel my 50% IS going to have a significant influence. And ultimately, you can't control what your H will do. The only choice you have is about how much you want to fight for greater than 50/50 custody. Personally, I find that both distasteful and counter to research on what's best for the child unless you really have a case for child endangerment but I also respect that it's a very personal choice and one that probably should be made by you alone (once you've managed to take your personal emotions out of the equation).

[Yasuandio]

On the one hand, it is entirely possible, husband was angry and making those statements to hurt, offend, and frighten you. Maybe these statements were not true, maybe they are true. This is risky business. But no reason to get on defensive in response (asking for alimony yourself). BE SMART! Use the information to better the child's life. For a 1.5 marriage, how can anyone get alimony? And hopefully, this guy is gonna make a statement like this in writing (like Trimmer mentioned), or where you can tape record him (if that is legal in your state).

 

On the other hand.......

 

I suggested this next idea once before, a long time ago. Been known to happen with unmarred women that find themselves pregnant, and dont wish the man in the picture (or visa-versa). I had a 45ish colleage, her and her parents bought the father out (he didn't want to be involved anyway). But they still paid him a fee to have him settle the appropriate documents, and disappear. He happily did. What a cute little child she has. I haven't seen her in long time, so he is probably 12-13 by now.

 

1. Firstly, he has to find out his current pipedream ain't gonna happen. (Your lawyer could talk to his lawyer about that, and set the stage). It will take some time for this fact to sink into his thick skull. Maybe even a Temporary Orrder that forces him to get out of bed and go to work. He is gonna hate that.

 

2. When he gets the picture, and is truly suffering at having to get up out of the bed, facing the fact that paying the mortgage (or rent) is a real pain in the backside (and Judge is not gonna make you carry him), this will lubricate him for step three.kw

 

3. Someone, not a medeator, nothing that would be on any record, could find a way to get a message to him, that a potential offer to solve his problem is out there, IF he gives up all parental rights to this child.

 

[This sounds terrible, but he sounds like a terrible person, and resentful father].

 

The offer could include a home, in his name, paid in full. He would have to give up all parental rights, willingly, and unconditionally. That is the right thing to do, actually, if he dispises, resents, and intends to cash-cow the child. End of story. [bTW. This cash-cow concept will not end after the divorce, you will forever be at his mercy. He is a sicko. You will make up the money for whatever he demands later in your career].

 

ONLY DISCUSS THIS IDEA WITH ATTORNEY. I have a feeling your husband might bite, when reality sets in.

 

Yas

 

PS. Remember, sometimes alternate perspectives and ideas are hard to swallow, but in due time, it has been shown, that the paradigm shifts.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

His lawyer just submitted a proposal:

 

Every other weekend visitation for me.

 

So offensive. Calling my lawyer later this afternoon.

[BetrayedH]

His lawyer just submitted a proposal:

 

Every other weekend visitation for me.

 

So offensive. Calling my lawyer later this afternoon.

 

Keep in mind that this was pretty predictable. He said he wanted sole custody after meeting with his attorney. Now it's formally requested.

 

This is normal behavior. They will ask for everything, expecting to meet in the middle. If you start at giving 50% and compromise, then they end up at 75%. They offer NOTHING for free. Everything that they concede, they'll expect a concession from you. It's a very, very typical strategy.

 

I was like you. I wanted 50/50. My wife requested sole custody. They wanted a concession from me everytime they made one towards 50/50. You know what I did? I said, "no." They came back with 60/40 and I said, no. They came back with some 51/49 crap and I said, no. Then I literally asked them which one of the two letters in the word no they failed to understand. It took 6 hours in mediation to land at...50/50. And then we worked on financials.

 

Don't get worked up. Don't get distracted. Get focused on what you will and will not accept and then stick to your guns. If he wants to keep fighting you beyond mediation, so be it. Don't accept what isn't acceptable regardless of what nonsense they put in front of you. They are counting on you wanting to avoid the cost of court and making concessions that you shouldn't in order to make mediation work.

 

They want you to get sick of this. They want you to compromise more than you should in order to get this over with. They want you distracted and frustrated. If you get frustrated and distracted, they win. Stay smart and get focused. They're not going to get sole custody and you know it.

Edited October 31, 2014 by BetrayedH

[beach]

His lawyer just submitted a proposal:

 

Every other weekend visitation for me.

 

So offensive. Calling my lawyer later this afternoon.

 

Later? Why not as soon as you received it?

 

Why aren't you presenting YOUR offer to him?

 

You need to go gangbusters on him and put him in a defensive position.

 

Offer him 10% time, very little child support based on him being CAPABLE of earning money each month and nothing else.

 

State your offer. Don't even acknowledge that he made you an offer.

 

If he needs money he can work. The guy is physically capable of having a job. Show that to the court.

 

If he's not a grown man capable of working then it's not your fault he won't earn money.

 

I was a stay at home Mom for about 15 years and the court still showed my "capacity to work" money and figured that into the equation of support money based on the percentage of time we would each have the kids.

 

And my ex stated he wanted 50% time with them but never did he have them even 20% of that time.

[jakrbbt]

On the one hand, it is entirely possible, husband was angry and making those statements to hurt, offend, and frighten you. Maybe these statements were not true, maybe they are true. This is risky business. But no reason to get on defensive in response (asking for alimony yourself). BE SMART! Use the information to better the child's life. For a 1.5 marriage, how can anyone get alimony? And hopefully, this guy is gonna make a statement like this in writing (like Trimmer mentioned), or where you can tape record him (if that is legal in your state).

 

On the other hand.......

 

I suggested this next idea once before, a long time ago. Been known to happen with unmarred women that find themselves pregnant, and dont wish the man in the picture (or visa-versa). I had a 45ish colleage, her and her parents bought the father out (he didn't want to be involved anyway). But they still paid him a fee to have him settle the appropriate documents, and disappear. He happily did. What a cute little child she has. I haven't seen her in long time, so he is probably 12-13 by now.

 

1. Firstly, he has to find out his current pipedream ain't gonna happen. (Your lawyer could talk to his lawyer about that, and set the stage). It will take some time for this fact to sink into his thick skull. Maybe even a Temporary Orrder that forces him to get out of bed and go to work. He is gonna hate that.

 

2. When he gets the picture, and is truly suffering at having to get up out of the bed, facing the fact that paying the mortgage (or rent) is a real pain in the backside (and Judge is not gonna make you carry him), this will lubricate him for step three.kw

 

3. Someone, not a medeator, nothing that would be on any record, could find a way to get a message to him, that a potential offer to solve his problem is out there, IF he gives up all parental rights to this child.

 

[This sounds terrible, but he sounds like a terrible person, and resentful father].

 

The offer could include a home, in his name, paid in full. He would have to give up all parental rights, willingly, and unconditionally. That is the right thing to do, actually, if he dispises, resents, and intends to cash-cow the child. End of story. [bTW. This cash-cow concept will not end after the divorce, you will forever be at his mercy. He is a sicko. You will make up the money for whatever he demands later in your career].

 

ONLY DISCUSS THIS IDEA WITH ATTORNEY. I have a feeling your husband might bite, when reality sets in.

 

Yas

 

PS. Remember, sometimes alternate perspectives and ideas are hard to swallow, but in due time, it has been shown, that the paradigm shifts.

 

He comes from a culture and family that sees the baby son as a prized possession, to be handed over to the father's family of origin. He was abused and given conditional love, and he desperately wants to be back in the good graces of his family. He's frankly obsessed with his family.

 

And his financial motivation isn't just greed and laziness-- it's control. Control of me. Also taught to him by his very sexist family: The wife is your possession. She may not leave. It is her duty to provide everything she provides the husband, for life.

 

So money alone won't make him go away.

[Yasuandio]

He comes from a culture and family that sees the baby son as a prized possession, to be handed over to the father's family of origin. He was abused and given conditional love, and he desperately wants to be back in the good graces of his family. He's frankly obsessed with his family.

 

And his financial motivation isn't just greed and laziness-- it's control. Control of me. Also taught to him by his very sexist family: The wife is your possession. She may not leave. It is her duty to provide everything she provides the husband, for life.

 

So money alone won't make him go away.

 

What would, other than the obvious. Think back to before you had the child, before you married. What was his dream?

 

[As it sounds, you, baby and support don't sound like a drean. It's more like a trap. He cannot co-habatate, or remarry with his fantasy alimony.]

 

1.5 years, barely any relations, an annulment could be part of the offer to satisfy the cultural aspect. You a nonperson in his eyes anyway. Just a thought.

 

I'm so sorry to see what a jerk he is. So familiar. I know how you feel. It could be worse honey. That is what I keep telling myself when I'm down.

 

There is no way y I u will lose your sweet baby to a lazy fool. Cannot believe that. Get your attorney busting his balls on this so they don't on you. But don't get mad. It will hurt your health and your work. Yas

[jakrbbt]

Well, I talked to him along with my father, and he said that he didn't know anything about this parenting-time plan that his lawyer proposed. He said he wants to keep the one we have now. But there are details absent from our current plan. So I had my lawyer draft up a proposal that's the one we have now, adding certain reasonable details (grandparent may pick up child if parent has work obligation and can't; each parent has right of first refusal if child would be in third-party care for 5 hours or more; plus I hammered out more specific pick-up times that mirror what we're doing so far).

 

H didn't like that I had my dad come with me to pick up our child. I can see that, but I felt unable to face H alone. Plus, H has several times told both me and my father that he trusts my dad. My dad is well-known both locally and beyond, is an impeccably fair and ethical man, and is quite brilliant and understanding. Anyway, H told me that he has goodwill toward me and he's not trying to go behind my back with surprises, he wants to communicate and work things out.

 

I told him that I want to believe him and to get along. I want that more than almost anything. But I said that I have to wait and look at his actions, not just at what he says.

 

Well, he didn't like that much. And since that conversation, it's been radio silence from him again. At the very least, I think he feels too overwhelmed to deal with this whole thing. At the most, he's being manipulative.

 

And I think his sister proposed that horrible parenting plan, just like the first one. I'm not OK with him basically signing over his custodial rights to her, she has no relationship with our son and no parental rights and certainly no constitutional right to supplant me and H as the custodial parents. If H can't make decisions regarding his son, then his half of legal custody duty goes to me-- not his sister.

 

He asked for more money, telling me I have to "take responsibility" for "walking out on" him. I told him I have no obligation to support him and that I can't afford to. I did send him with some food for our son and some baby wipes, and I'll send him with more food for our son tomorrow. But I'll log it. What happens when he truly has no way to house or feed our son? He's going to put me in the position of refusing to hand our son over, and taking time off work to care for him unplanned? (Maybe I'll plan a work vacation around the time H's rent runs out, so I can cover baby care.)

 

I so fear the times we don't get along. It's pathetic, but I desperately want to get along with him. I love the moments when he reaches out and we seem to barely have a little goodwill. I feel relieved then.

 

If we have a temporary support hearing and the judge orders me to pay some amount, then at least I'll have some fixed amount and could feel good about paying it and no more. So far I have gone into debt because I've spent almost half my paycheck on him this month-- $2,000-- and that doesn't include stuff I sent for baby. No court would ever award even a fourth that for spousal support from a less than two-year marriage and non-disabled spouse who had two months after the divorce to find work but instead quit his part-time job. What about our son? Why should I go into debt rather than saving up money for his future?

 

Maybe this will just have to come to a head in court, much as I don't want that.

 

And at what point do I tell him that I don't want to send our son home with him, because he's telling me he has no food or gas money and I've already spent way more on all that for him than any child support award, when I have our son 50%? I can't send our son to a house with no food or heat, but I can't pay for H's food and housing because then I couldn't pay to take care of our son here, on my end.

Edited November 5, 2014 by jakrbbt

[beach]

I can't see any reason not to go to court immediately.

 

You have valid concerns.

 

And he is capable of earning his own money to support himself. Then he's road blocking you to parent your own child. No, no, no.

 

I hope you will just fight him and fight this hard!

 

 

On a side note are you certain he can read? He may be running everything by his sister because he doesn't understand what you've proposed to him...

[jakrbbt]

I can't see any reason not to go to court immediately.

 

You have valid concerns.

 

And he is capable of earning his own money to support himself. Then he's road blocking you to parent your own child. No, no, no.

 

I hope you will just fight him and fight this hard!

 

 

On a side note are you certain he can read? He may be running everything by his sister because he doesn't understand what you've proposed to him...

 

He can read but he often won't. He has dyslexia. I have seen him contribute heavily to forums about his hobbies, and he emails his friends. That said, I'm not sure how well he reads the stuff others write. I've given him things to read and he's handed them back in about a third the time it would take me, with nothing to say about them, so I'm pretty sure he frequently just refuses to read and fakes it for whatever reason, maybe the dyslexia is discouraging.

 

I think he's sticking his head in the sand.

 

I don't want to just go to court without warning him-- I believe in operating more in good faith, and with more goodwill, than that.

 

And I don't know what kind of hearing, other than temporary custody, to file for. My lawyer isn't suggesting any hearing at this point, but he might, if and when H does end up more or less homeless. But how can I let him be homeless? I'd almost rather go into more debt. Maybe I'll tell that to my lawyer.

 

It helps to visualize my son, in the future, staring at a pile of money that could be in savings now-- or a pit of debt that is created now while I throw money down the black hole that is H's debt and unwillingness to work. But I also don't want the short-term destruction of a real fight-- that's bad for our son, too.

Edited November 5, 2014 by jakrbbt

[beach]

You see - this is the problem - you think you are responsible for him if he's homeless and/or doesn't have money.

 

But that is only his problem. And it's a problem for HIM to solve.

 

Quit thinking you're responsible for him. IF he's so desperate his family can help him.

[BetrayedH]

What does your attorney say about providing money to your H?

 

It seems to me that you could do a child support calculation (these are usually pretty mathematic) and simply provide that and nothing further. I believe you're right that with such a short-term marriage and no disability on your H's part, spousal support is very unlikely.

[jakrbbt]

What does your attorney say about providing money to your H?

 

It seems to me that you could do a child support calculation (these are usually pretty mathematic) and simply provide that and nothing further. I believe you're right that with such a short-term marriage and no disability on your H's part, spousal support is very unlikely.

 

Support calculation gives him $55 a month from me, or $165 if he gets 50/50 (right now we have about 65/45). Maybe he doesn't know that. I'm happy providing more than that for a while, except, if I give him anything, he thinks he's entitled to more and gets mad. Best have a court order, much as I'd like to avoid pain and expense of a fight.

[jakrbbt]

Mid-October: H emails me a parenting plan, where I have 4 nights, he has 3, we each have 3.5 days.

 

I agree, we implement the plan for a couple weeks. Child starts adjusting well.

 

Late October: H asks me for money. I give him only a little bit, saying I can't afford more.

 

Two days later, his lawyer submits a "parenting plan" that she says her "client conveys is the agreement between the parties." In it, I get to see my kid basically two short weekends a month and one overnight per week.

 

That day, H says to me in person, "Oh, I never knew anything about that parenting plan. I want to keep the one we have now. Throughout the duration of the divorce proceedings." So I have my lawyer draft up the exact same plan that H originally emailed to me, and that we've been implementing.

 

Two days later, H asks me again for more money. I give him much less than he wants. H says "you owe me, you have to take responsibility for walking out on me." I tell him I'm not going to support him.

 

Two days after that, H's lawyer submits a letter stating that the parenting plan is not acceptable, H wants more overnights, and H "feels at a disadvantage when talking to Ms. [Jakrbbt] directly." Says he'll file for a parenting plan hearing if I don't agree to his new temporary plan.

 

So I forward my lawyer H's original email, showing it is HIS plan we are doing, he just wants to threaten to revoke it whenever I don't pay him money, and he's happy to jerk our child around in order to intimidate me. If he felt at such disadvantage talking to me directly, seems he'd not be asking me for money face-to-face and in the presence of our son every few days.

 

I should not fear a hearing. My lawyer filed the response to H's divorce petition today, and is getting a hard trial date set.

[BetrayedH]

Support calculation gives him $55 a month from me, or $165 if he gets 50/50 (right now we have about 65/45). Maybe he doesn't know that. I'm happy providing more than that for a while, except, if I give him anything, he thinks he's entitled to more and gets mad. Best have a court order, much as I'd like to avoid pain and expense of a fight.

 

Hmm. That child support calculation seems low. My exwife actually pays me nearly $200 with 50/50 custody and she was only making about $10k more than me at the time. I would guess with you being an attorney and him being unemployed, yours would be higher.

 

But of course, I'm in a different jurisdiction entirely. Just seemed worth mentioning.

 

By the way, I'm totally onboard with you having this hearing. My gut says you're just doing the bulk of the work sooner rather than later. I suspect you could still end up mediating for the permanent agreement.

[jakrbbt]

Hmm. That child support calculation seems low. My exwife actually pays me nearly $200 with 50/50 custody and she was only making about $10k more than me at the time. I would guess with you being an attorney and him being unemployed, yours would be higher.

 

It goes up by a lot if H has to pay day care expenses, or if I didn't have our son in day care (I just do two half-days per week, keeping it at a minimum). But yeah, I'm a public interest lawyer and make a lot less than the average attorney. H will be imputed at least minimum wage, I could ask the court to find that he could earn a lot more and I think that would be pretty easy, but I don't want to do that. He needs to get back on his feet and start participating (or else step back and let me parent).

 

But of course, I'm in a different jurisdiction entirely. Just seemed worth mentioning.

 

By the way, I'm totally onboard with you having this hearing. My gut says you're just doing the bulk of the work sooner rather than later. I suspect you could still end up mediating for the permanent agreement.

Thank you, I cannot hear enough of things like that. I am very freaked out, probably disproportionately so. Maybe it's because of the past traumas of the relationship rather than a real fear of any likely outcomes. I guess I need to put the battle upfront, either H will settle or he won't, and either way it's best to get this work and expense over with. But I need strength that I don't really have.