He filed, asked for sole custody

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, I cannot hear enough of things like that. I am very freaked out, probably disproportionately so. Maybe it's because of the past traumas of the relationship rather than a real fear of any likely outcomes. I guess I need to put the battle upfront, either H will settle or he won't, and either way it's best to get this work and expense over with. But I need strength that I don't really have.

 

It's definitely not easy. In my case, I was mired in financial disclosure paperwork. Comically, most of that ended up being entirely pointless and I hammered out most of our financial agreement math on a legal pad in the mediation room. The divorce took about ten months altogether and it did require an enormous amount of intestinal fortitude for the entire duration.

 

The good news is that it does eventually come to an end. At some point, you'll get a system established that works for all three of you and you'll move on with life. Every step in that direction is a good one. Do your best to minimize the emotional drama. It's a distraction and rarely (if ever) serves a purpose. Save it for your therapist.

 

On the financial front, I think assuming a FT minimum wage job is a reasonable approach. That said, if he's working then it's also reasonable to assume that he'll have day care expenses (as will you). I'd suggest running some numbers by your attorney to make sure you're not setting a precedent of overpaying (giving him $2k/mo may end up being a mistake in more ways than one) or appearing to abandon a stay-at-home spouse.

[jakrbbt]

 

The good news is that it does eventually come to an end. At some point, you'll get a system established that works for all three of you and you'll move on with life. Every step in that direction is a good one. Do your best to minimize the emotional drama. It's a distraction and rarely (if ever) serves a purpose. Save it for your therapist.

 

.

 

I'm just not coping AT ALL well as of today. I mean, I was at work, and I got stuff done and I'm not turning to alcohol or drugs or anything. But all day my heart was palpitating from pure physical anxiety.

 

I don't want H to file for a hearing. I don't want to open an email from my attorney. I don't want it in the hands of a judge, UNLESS I can be sure that the judge will more or less see the facts accurately where it matters. If the judge orders other than what I ask for, but does it based on a pretty accurate view of the facts and not based on deception by H, then I can live with that. If I'm wrong about something, I can hear that. But my fear is that H manipulates the legal system and then a judge is unable to truly do what's best for our child.

 

It's good to hear that BetrayedH, Beach, Yas and others think a hearing and a fight are probably good things in this case, rather than something bad to avoid.

 

It is HARD for me not to give him stuff at least for baby. But if he really can't take care of our baby, then I want to know that now, in the temporary period before a final decree. Plus I've got no extra money!

 

Will it really really end?????? It gets better?

[BetrayedH]

Yes, it gets better. There is light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not a train).

 

You're in the midst of the toughest part right now. You both have 100% custody. Neither of you have any more rights or limitations than the other. You have no agreement in place and you completely disagree when everything is done by mutual agreement. It is gawd-awful. But it is also temporary.

 

Can I give you a guarantee that a judge is going to "hear" you and be reasonable? Nope. I can also tell you that my attorney was worth about $.05 of the $250 per hour charge. But one thing he was able to tell me was information about my judge. I learned (based on past rulings) what tendencies he had and it allowed me to decide exactly how much I wanted to pursue or avoid decisions being in his hands.

 

Your stress right now is focused on uncertainty. You don't know if your H might just decide not to return your child, how much money and stuff you should be giving him, when you can reliably be at work, when you need day care, how to budget...

 

It all gets better once you have stability. I understand you'd like to avoid it all being placed in the hands of a third party but I don't see what choice you have. While you are trying to be reasonable, he's requested sole custody and drafted a parenting plan that screws you over. He can blame his attorney (which is a very common tactic, by the way) but the reality is that they are playing hardball (or trying to, anyway - it's mostly a bluff designed to get you flustered and agree to things you shouldn't). Anyway, it gets better once you have stability. Right now you've got none and a disagreeable STBX. I don't think it's wise to stay in limbo. If nothing else, you'll go broke trying to support everyone. I'd like to see you KNOW when you'll have your child, KNOW what supplies and money you need to provide, KNOW how to budget, KNOW what you need to schedule for day care, and KNOW when you can work. And if he violates the agreement or otherwise drops the ball, you know he's in hot water. Then you work with your attorney on negotiating a permanent agreement, trying to figure out if you have to go to court a second time.

 

All that said, if your attorney says otherwise, listen to them instead.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, it gets better. There is light at the end of the tunnel (and it's not a train).

 

You're in the midst of the toughest part right now. You both have 100% custody. Neither of you have any more rights or limitations than the other. You have no agreement in place and you completely disagree when everything is done by mutual agreement. It is gawd-awful. But it is also temporary.

 

jakrbbt, here's a partial list of what happened during the first 6 month's of my long-ago separation from the ex:

 

1). She and her family came while I was at work and removed EVERYTHING from our home except my clothes, leaving me with an empty house.

 

2). Several times I arrived at agreed upon place/time to pick up my son, no one there. Took until the next day to track her down, claimed she forgot.

 

3). Without telling me, took him on a 2-week trip to visit family out of state. Didn't call me until the day before their return.

 

And yet, as crazy as that sounds, we eventually got to a place where we successfully co-parented what is now a fine young man with his own family. The schedule became routine, communication developed and a new normal took the place of the drama.

 

As BH says, you just have to survive this part. Hard for a lawyer to accept, but running to your attorney or court every time something happens - and stuff will happen - just makes that the designated avenue for discussion, an expensive, time-consuming and frustrating prospect.

 

Accept some short-term pain to achieve your long-term goals. Keep your own ego out of the way (a real challenge for me) and think about what's best for your child. Best of luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Honey, I hate you are struggling. Better now than 20 years from now. That much I KNOW for a fact is true. Yas

Edited November 7, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

Now he's filed for temporary support. He wants about half my paycheck-- some $2,000 per month. According to his affidavit, he wants that so that he can "figure out what to do next" because I moved out "suddenly" and am "refusing to pay for his rent or living expenses." I actually paid for two months of his rent and living expenses, six months of car insurance, a speeding ticket, et c, and gave him a month's notice before all that. Not that it's relevant-- we had a less than two year marriage and there's no basis for spousal support under any of the theories our state has. (He didn't support me through law school or contribute to a joint business for instance). I was just doing it to be nice and to make sure that he could both a)find a job and b)have some time to be with our son, and not be homeless with him. But I went into debt to do it. I can't continue supporting him and also support my son. After my fixed expenses including school debt, I have close to $0 each month.

 

I learned from the old landlord that he's moving out in a few weeks. I have no idea where to, but he'll have to tell me before I give over our son for some overnight in who-knows-where.

 

I guess he asked the landlord to give half the deposit to him. I paid it with a check out of my sole bank account and it was neither an asset nor a debt acquired during our marriage- just money being held from my account, in a separate account for me. But the landlord doesn't want to get in the middle of an argument and surprise, surprise, she feels more comfortable going against my wishes than my husband's.

 

He made several untrue allegations in his affidavit. Demonstrably untrue. For instance, he's claiming he has our son 182.5 nights per year- but per our written agreement, emailed to me by him, and memorialized in our lawyers' letters, he only has him 157 nights. He claims he has to pay $200 for car insurance, but I paid his insurance in full for 6 months last month, and texted him confirmation. He claims his rent is $1500, but it was $1400 and anyway he is moving out at the end of the month. My old landlord told me so-- maybe he thinks I don't know it. He claims we lived together for 2 years before marriage, but we lived in different cities until 8 months before. And anyway living together before marriage doesn't count toward spousal support, it only counts toward distribution of assets. Most assets accumulated were either baby stuff that I bought, or his hobby stuff-- if I were mean, I'd claim half of his hobby stuff like project cars and boats, and then sell them. Not that that would be mean, if it would buy things for our son.

 

I do NOT WANT TO HAVE A HEARING. My heart was POUNDING in my chest as I opened the email from my attorney. I have oral argument in the morning in a faraway city, I'm here in the hotel room. I keep reading Dalai Lama to calm myself. I need to just read over my briefs. I'm good at oral argument, but this one is special. And yet, I just keep upsetting myself with the sudden specter of my husband the grifter, imposing itself in my head.

 

I guess I have a strong case and a huge, whopping, ripped-out-beating-heart pile of anxiety. My doctor told me I can take celexa if it helps get me through the divorce, it's not altering like xanax or valium or anything like that, so I could still drive and work and parent perfectly well. She said to exercise-- who wants that? Maybe I could start boxing. Does yoga really work?

 

 

I feel like he's trying to take my son and my livelihood. I'm afraid of him.

Edited November 14, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Yasuandio]

Honey, it is not a "feeling," it is a fact. He is trying to take your son and your livelihood. But he prefers the latter, to be sure. The son is only a means to the bottom of your pocketbook (sorry to say so coldly).

 

God says, "Do not be afraid." I am confident other Higher Powers, and, also the Dali Lama, would agree, do not walk thru life afraid. I understand, I am often afraid, too. Then, I remind myself, the first sentence of this paragraph. Yas

Edited November 14, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Miss Clavel]

imo, these "fathers" will lose interest in using the children against their stbex's once the money tap is shut off.

 

sad. but there it is.

[BetrayedH]

Calm your nerves. It sounds like you have a good case on just about every front. I know you don't want a hearing but I think if you need anything, it's a hearing. Embrace it. Get some structure. I think a judge needs to help your H wake up and accept reality. If he does, you may find yourself in a more peaceful place. The lack of a hearing and the uncertainty associated with that is what's giving you stress, IMHO.

[Turtles]

Jak, don't panic, those are all untrue allegations so a hearing can only help you. It's stressful to go to court etc but it will help cut through his BS. This is a little story that happened to me. After we divorced my ex stayed in our home, was supposed to pay me rent, she sent me only the first check, after that she always had some excuse why she couldn't make the payment, said I was responsible for her satellite TV bill too, etc. She racked up $1000/month of heating in the winter and $300/month of electric in the summer (doesn't sound that high for some areas but I am now living in the house and pay less than $100/month in electricity and $2400 for heating through the whole winter), I paid that, kept up on the mortgage etc, just stuck to my obligations but she kept saying I owed her for this and that and kept threatening to sue me. After 2 years of this I had enough - I was living in a trailer at the time as I could not afford much rent after paying for her place. I filed for a contempt hearing, we went there (it was a 4h drive for me to get to the courthouse), she ran her mouth to the judge for an hour saying I had not paid for her TV, heat, anything she could think of. I was worried we would run out of time without me having a chance to make my case but I just stayed calm and gave the judge a spreadsheet showing all the expenses for the house and receipts showing I had paid everything ordered, he told her to grow up, start paying rent and stop asking for things she was not supposed to get. I never did get the rent money she owed me but the next month she was finally out of the house.

 

All that to say, when you are in the right, the hearing is not your enemy, it is your friend.

 

Exercise is wonderful to relieve stress, but I prefer cardio, boxing requires too much concentration and it heightens my aggressiveness which is not great when I am trying to calm down. Works great for work stress though!

[Tiberius]

From what I understand the stay at home parent almost always gets solde custody in most states. Consult with your lawyer. Either you live in a state where the default ruling pends more towards sole custody, or you have to hope on the sexism of the courts, that it is the women whom gets sole custody most of the time regardless of the circumstances.

[jakrbbt]

From what I understand the stay at home parent almost always gets solde custody in most states. Consult with your lawyer. Either you live in a state where the default ruling pends more towards sole custody, or you have to hope on the sexism of the courts, that it is the women whom gets sole custody most of the time regardless of the circumstances.

 

I have learned that lawyers consider that to be a common misunderstanding. Maybe the stay-at-home parent would be awarded sole custody, all things equal, if they were a functioning parent and if the stay-at-home role was such that the other parent had relatively little involvement in child-rearing-- thus making it so that "switching" to the other parent would be disruptive to the child. But even then, custody and parenting time are different. You can have 50/50 parenting time but sole custody to one parent. Sole custody might go to the stay-at-home if he or she has had relatively long-term role of making the child-care-based decisions-- taking kid to doctor, doing the school lunches, researching and hiring babysitters et c.

 

Being unemployed does not make you a stay-at-home parent, surely? In fact, my husband was actually employed part-time, two hours away (lengthening the hours he was away)-- but never contributed with his earnings. Our child is 18 months old and was breastfed for the first year. I took significant maternity leave and was certainly the stay-at-home during that time. Then, even after returning to work, I worked from home two to three days per week-- but my husband would almost always leave during my work-from-home days, so that I would watch our baby and I'd just make up the work in the middle of the night. Even with my full-time job, I had 85% time caring for the baby after maternity leave was over, and that turned into 75% toward the end. And I had all of the parenting-related tasks like doctor appointments and carseat assembly and food preparation, bottle sterilizing, et c. I did the grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, paid the bills, took care of my husband's taxes and speeding tickets, cleaned house. My husband left every evening, slept till 11 or noon every day except the 2 or 3 days I had to leave for work, did no overnight care, no weekend care, no housework or administrative chores, no decision-making for the child . . . so no, my understanding is that the court will not gloss over all that and just decide that the unemployed or lesser-employed parent gets sole custody. That would not be best for the child, is my thinking.

 

Supposedly, the court will look at a lot of factors, because they're trying to figure out what's best for the baby's future. My husband won't support himself and has no way of showing that he can support our son even half-time (child support is based on a calculation and does not cover nearly the cost of caring for the child during your parenting time). He also has a contempt-of-court conviction for failure to pay child support on his (now 20-yr-old) daughter, whom he regularly stood up for visits when she was very little and then he visited her maybe one to three times per year when she was 11 and up. Surely the court will take all that into consideration. He won't work, and the court takes that into consideration. It will impute minimum wage income, and may make findings against him based on his purposely quitting his part-time job to reduce his income for the divorce case.

 

I do know that a lot of people feel confused about why the court ruled the way it ruled in their case. Maybe I will, too. I hope not. If my H will get sole custody simply because he was unemployed, then there's not really much I could do about that at this point.

Edited November 21, 2014 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

imo, these "fathers" will lose interest in using the children against their stbex's once the money tap is shut off.

 

sad. but there it is.

 

Unfortunately I think he also wants to control me through our son. And his family has shown that it is important to them to control the upbringing of our child, and to usurp any say I have. They have likely offered to step in where my H is too overwhelmed or lazy-- in fact, they've already been doing so.

[Yasuandio]

From what I understand the stay at home parent almost always gets solde custody in most states. Consult with your lawyer. Either you live in a state where the default ruling pends more towards sole custody, or you have to hope on the sexism of the courts, that it is the women whom gets sole custody most of the time regardless of the circumstances.

 

THIS sounds like SOP, from all storied I've read on LS. Jrbbit, I really hated to say that, I know it is no music to your ears. However, your first sentence in reply sounds great, modern, contemporary - the movement of the insightful Judges of the future.

 

An article was written about one of my cases (where there was no doubt I was completely in the right), in a Law Review Journal, the title included the words: "Untimely, Ill-Timed, and Unwise." I "get-that" now.

 

What concerned me in some of your past responses has been your voice, the voice of an attorney, (defending your client, your husband, and, subconsciously, your "family unit" as you wanted to believe it to be). That is not a criticism - as you must think in that paradigm in order to do your work. And it is no easy challange for anyone of us to face the demise of our marriage.

 

That said, you are a civilian now, and you have to get used to it. The more you "act like an attorney," the more you look like the worker bee in the family, and, consequently, by default, the more your husband looks like "mommy." Statements such as "he sleeps till noon," and "he didn't contribute that 2 hours of part-time income to the household," start looking very petty (coming from the "Defendant Bread-Winner" of the family. You might want to think about have such comments are perceived. (Turn it around, and think of a man saying that about his Stay-at-home Wife, do you see what I mean)?

 

Then there is the laundry list of waa, waa, waa, waa, waa. I did this, I did that, I this, I did that. All comes off as completely defensive. In my opinion, method of expression has to be re-engineered. That is the only watch I can put it. Somehow, I believe, the case that you are the better parent has to hinge on more that housekeeping matters, and hours spent in breastfeeding and time slept with child. I would suggest an approach that would encompass that the child will grow up in a more psychology functional envirorment under your watch, then prove it. This type of argument demonstrates the baby will grow up to be healthier young man.

 

One other thing I might point out in this last post you've made, your lack of confidence is showing, in the multiple clauses such as: "but this, but, but," "and surely this, and surely that.....," "the Court will this, the Court will that, the Court will surely," (don't count on that).

 

I ask you to be a vulnerable civilian, so that you do not find yourself COMPLETELY CRUSHED AND DEMOLISHED. You are not going to like the results. No one ever does. THE COURT normally finds somewhere in the middle from my experience, or not at all. And I have a generous amount of experience unfortunately.

 

I hope these observations and ideas are inspiring, at least the new "type of arguement" suggestion.

 

TIMES are changing, but slowly, at a snails pace. However, this action was ILL-TIMED, and some decisions early on may have been UNWISE. But that doesn't mean you cannot dig your way outta this mess. Yas

[Turtles]

From what I understand the stay at home parent almost always gets solde custody in most states. Consult with your lawyer. Either you live in a state where the default ruling pends more towards sole custody, or you have to hope on the sexism of the courts, that it is the women whom gets sole custody most of the time regardless of the circumstances.

 

When I talked to a lawyer (and I live in a rural area with a strong bias toward women as I found out the hard way during my divorce) he stated things were usually split 50/50. The logic is, the stay at home parent is not going to continue to be a stay at home parent once he has to work (child support being meant to support the child, not the parent).

 

On the other hand statements such as "he slept till noon every day" don't have much weight because they are hard to prove and he can just as easily say that he was worn out from having spent the whole night by the kid's bed side and had to take a nap. Again, going by what the lawyer told me at the time, he strongly advised against playing the "unfit mother" card, but, maybe the "unfit father" one works in your area. However as a female if you could allege violence on his part that would be a different story.

[jakrbbt]

The court might very well award 50/50 parenting time, but it can't award joint legal custody unless we stipulate to it. In a contested custody case, it has to award custody to one or the other. So the court is careful to look at the allegations and whether they can be substantiated. If the court had the legal option of awarding joint custody, it could more easily waive aside allegations. But it has to choose. I have documentation and testimony to back up the solid history of H not contributing-- and of course there are the numerous falsehoods in his affidavit that are verifiable, so I would think his credibility is already damaged.

 

But yes, I agree that it's not usually wise to try too hard to show lack of fitness. The thing is, in my case, there are true concerns-- not the usual stuff where one parent tries to smear mud because they are in a battle. But I do't have to allege un-fitness, because even in cases with two fit parents, the court has to award custody to just one of them. I am overwhelmingly likely to get custody if we don't stipulate to joint. The fact that I have a more stable job is a huge factor. And the court looks at specific things to define "primary parent"-- there are laws and cases on it, and it does not mean simply "parent who stays home." I've got all the doctor visits, care-provider interviews, feeding tasks et c., and overnight care is a huge factor in the case of an infant, as I understand.

 

I agree that I might be looking at 50/50 parenting time. If H abuses his parenting time, dumps baby on grandma to do hobbies, uses it to control me, or can't do his share of parenting tasks, then I can get that modified.

 

Any custody decision is a ways off, so right now my lawyer is more focused on the temporary support issue.

[jakrbbt]

THIS sounds like SOP, from all storied I've read on LS. Jrbbit, I really hated to say that, I know it is no music to your ears. However, your first sentence in reply sounds great, modern, contemporary - the movement of the insightful Judges of the future.

 

An article was written about one of my cases (where there was no doubt I was completely in the right), in a Law Review Journal, the title included the words: "Untimely, Ill-Timed, and Unwise." I "get-that" now.

 

What concerned me in some of your past responses has been your voice, the voice of an attorney, (defending your client, your husband, and, subconsciously, your "family unit" as you wanted to believe it to be). That is not a criticism - as you must think in that paradigm in order to do your work. And it is no easy challange for anyone of us to face the demise of our marriage.

 

That said, you are a civilian now, and you have to get used to it. The more you "act like an attorney," the more you look like the worker bee in the family, and, consequently, by default, the more your husband looks like "mommy." Statements such as "he sleeps till noon," and "he didn't contribute that 2 hours of part-time income to the household," start looking very petty (coming from the "Defendant Bread-Winner" of the family. You might want to think about have such comments are perceived. (Turn it around, and think of a man saying that about his Stay-at-home Wife, do you see what I mean)?

 

Then there is the laundry list of waa, waa, waa, waa, waa. I did this, I did that, I this, I did that. All comes off as completely defensive. In my opinion, method of expression has to be re-engineered. That is the only watch I can put it. Somehow, I believe, the case that you are the better parent has to hinge on more that housekeeping matters, and hours spent in breastfeeding and time slept with child. I would suggest an approach that would encompass that the child will grow up in a more psychology functional envirorment under your watch, then prove it. This type of argument demonstrates the baby will grow up to be healthier young man.

 

One other thing I might point out in this last post you've made, your lack of confidence is showing, in the multiple clauses such as: "but this, but, but," "and surely this, and surely that.....," "the Court will this, the Court will that, the Court will surely," (don't count on that).

 

I ask you to be a vulnerable civilian, so that you do not find yourself COMPLETELY CRUSHED AND DEMOLISHED. You are not going to like the results. No one ever does. THE COURT normally finds somewhere in the middle from my experience, or not at all. And I have a generous amount of experience unfortunately.

 

I hope these observations and ideas are inspiring, at least the new "type of arguement" suggestion.

 

TIMES are changing, but slowly, at a snails pace. However, this action was ILL-TIMED, and some decisions early on may have been UNWISE. But that doesn't mean you cannot dig your way outta this mess. Yas

 

I hear you Yas-- it's true that the court will be far and away more concerned with the child's future than with the past crappy marriage. As it should be. So, if I will provide a better environment, then the court will grant "custody" (and I mean legal custody--parenting "time" is another matter) to me.

 

But nothing will come out in my tone. It'll come out in my lawyer's tone. And plenty of people make the mistake of picking a lawyer who is just like them-- not me. I was recommended this lawyer by a judge. I think that she saw that he is no-nonsense, direct, and very experienced. Sometimes he doesn't "use" information I give him, sometimes he does. I just tell him everything, in written form, usually with whatever to back it up.

 

I just want the court to know what the situation really is, and to make its decision based on that-- with my son's future in mind. My biggest fear is that the court will be somehow deceived and therefore make a decision that's destructive to my son.

 

Because my husband is requesting sole custody, the court can't grant joint. By law, it can't grant joint custody unless the parties stipulate to it. So far, H is very clear that he won't settle. And I am now worried that, even if he would settle, joint custody might be unwise-- he might abuse it, using his half to control me like he is now. I'd like to think there's hope for constructve co-parenting in the future, but I am not dumb enough to ignore the pattern so far.

Edited November 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Yasuandio]

Your husband grasps the babies feet together to make him shut up and go to sleep, as a conditioning treatment. Perverted. Ask any pediatrician about the osteopathic leg and foot distortion this weirdo conditioning might cause the child - not to mention the physiological aspect of the touching. Weird, strange, a violation. Causes me concern of all sorts. What might it be you ARE NOT aware of? Oh, dear.

 

Many kids get foot and orthopedic issues without the deformation that the firm grasping (on a regular basis) might cause. These effing contortions on your infant's mallable bones and soft tissue are really alarming, and surely child abuse. Hon, this issue seems to gone by the wayside.

 

Child abuse, in no uncertain terms. I can see this ain't gonna come out too good for your son. If I was in your position, I would pull any stunt I had to, to protect even my dog from weirdo crap. Not a good thing to play it down, subcounciously.

 

I would try to buy this guy out somehow. Money talks. Financial settlement, what will it take to get him to sign off parental rights to the child? Maybe buy him a house clear and free, 10 years alimony? Do it, screw, you can write it off as your income grows. Better than a lifetime with this guy, and your child all screwed up. I would seriously consider an outragiously generious, hard to walk away from, offer. Sincerely. You will reflect on this advice 10 years down the road, I promise you. Yas

[jakrbbt]

Now he won't tell me where he'll be living Dec 1.

 

I need perspective on this. I'm all nervous about whatever decision he's going to make. But really, I'm nervous because he's a bully, and everything he does makes me feel nervous. Residue from the past.

 

He asked our mutual friend not to tell me what his new living arrangements are. I asked him (H) myself, and he told me he'd tell me but not right now.

 

OK, so, what do I need to really care about? I know I'll find out. I think I can (and should) keep our child with me until I see the place where he'll be staying. (I've asked my lawyer, for clarification. Waiting to hear back.)

 

But I need to not let certain things bug me. He might decide to stay with his sister, who won't let him "ruin" her living room with a bed and a crib, I'm sure. He's lived with her before and she had him put his bed in storage and sleep on her couch.

 

I don't want baby sleeping on a couch with his 200-lb dad, with sister coming home late from bars and waking him, and dangerous pottery-studio stuff in the kitchen. But if she lets H put at least the crib up, then I think I just suck up and don't worry too much about the rest.

 

I don't want him living with his friend, a woman who used to illegally grow and sell marijuana, unless I know she's not doing that anymore.

 

I don't want baby staying in H's parents' garage. Their unfinished garage, where they still park the car. (It's a big garage.) I think I can object to that one.

 

But, as far as baby being fine, how crappy can the situation get, and I still can tell myself not to worry?

 

I wish I could get authorities involved without first having signs of abuse or neglect. Maybe that is what a custody study is for-- are those expensive?

[BetrayedH]

Wait for your attorney to reply.

 

My gut says you don't hand over the child after Dec 1st until you've had any safety concerns addressed. Offer supervised visitation instead. But I'm not an attorney.

 

So where are we on your "I don't want a hearing" perspective?

[BlueIris]

Just an idea. Usually people see negotiation as talk and persuasion, not finalizing. Having the decree right there, ready to sign, has a great deal of power. Draft up a stipulated decree or judgment, with all details and following guidelines. Include actual child care costs, insurance, etc in your CS calculation. Simultaneously provide the supporting docs for all amounts used, and file notice of your disclosure. You’d be providing it all in discovery / disclosure anyway. Consider including a spousal support amount, after analysis of attorneys fees you’d spend if he doesn’t agree. Tell him that this is your offer now but spousal will diminish as attorneys fees, custody evaluations and costs mount. Cite to your FRE 408 equivalent in the cover letter and have the attached decree ready to execute. It might work. If it doesn’t, at least you’ll feel like you have more control and that you know where you’re heading. It can be a huge relief to take the reins and focus on solution rather than waiting to see what he does.

[Yasuandio]

Just an idea. Usually people see negotiation as talk and persuasion, not finalizing. Having the decree right there, ready to sign, has a great deal of power. Draft up a stipulated decree or judgment, with all details and following guidelines. Include actual child care costs, insurance, etc in your CS calculation. Simultaneously provide the supporting docs for all amounts used, and file notice of your disclosure. You’d be providing it all in discovery / disclosure anyway. Consider including a spousal support amount, after analysis of attorneys fees you’d spend if he doesn’t agree. Tell him that this is your offer now but spousal will diminish as attorneys fees, custody evaluations and costs mount. Cite to your FRE 408 equivalent in the cover letter and have the attached decree ready to execute. It might work. If it doesn’t, at least you’ll feel like you have more control and that you know where you’re heading. It can be a huge relief to take the reins and focus on solution rather than waiting to see what he does.

 

THIS is a great idea, BlueIris.

 

I would consider your husband's state of mind right now. That might ease your fears. His non-communication, and sudden left - turn suggest to me that he is desparate and spinning. AND it all revolves around one thing. I'll explain.

 

He is just as scared as you are. His FEARS may be the following, in this order:

 

1. CRAP, I might have to get a job. Not good. BAD, BAD, BAD.

 

2. MY plan backfired on me! I thought she would straighten - up and fly right. But she flu the coop. NOW WHAT. CRAP. I might actually have to get a job. BAD. BAD. BAD.

 

3. My back-up people ARE NOT providing the same creature comforts I'm accustomed to. This isn't as great as I thought. My comfort and hobbies cost money. CRAP. I might have to get a job. BAD, BAD, BAD.

 

4. My attorney even thinks I should have a job, plus she wants money. Even she's against me. CRAP. I might have to get a job. BAD, BAD, BAD.

 

5. What the heck. Even if I got what I am asking for, our Son, this kid all my time as it is. What I doing? I thought if I pushed her buttons she would back down and kiss my fanny, but nothing has changed. The baby costs more money than she will ever give me, and I will have to deal with him like a stay at home Dad, FOR REAL. What about my hobby time? My project car? Who is going to watch the baby when I don't want to be here? That costs money. CRAP.......etc.

 

6. I got to get out of here. This place is taking all the money. What can I do? I would rather live in a garage than give up my hobbies. Will that stupid crib fit in a garage? How cheap are trailers? CPAP..........

 

7. I don't exactly want a job, or have to pay money to a child care place. That baby will keep me busy, and I need my sleep. This whole thing sounds really inconvient for my lifestyle.

 

Honey, this is where his self-absorbed, "entitled" mentality is focused 24/7. How does that not sound exactly like him? Keep this in mind. Project yourself as completely confident. Let him spin, and move locale without notification. This makes him look like the completely irresponsible person he is. Don't make one iota of a movement to assist him from NOT BEING AN IDIOT. Allow him to totally act irrational. That is beatiful.

 

Stay calm, cool, and collected.

 

Await the hearing.

 

His new digs can come up at the hearing.......

 

Don't take the impact of your attorney's questioning his "new whereabouts" away, for God's Sake. This is an outstanding reason to call an emergency hearing.

 

One thing that I've been worried about, since the beginning of your story, is that he would take off. Disappear. He strikes me as a reckless type, that doesn't think before he acts.

 

One thing is sure and certain, and I know you won't believe me right now. Your husband is desparately looking for his next meal ticket. At this moment in time - he is on the prowl, I bet a pinky finger on that. If he has some sort of weird charm with women, his best bet would be to find a successful, established woman, and get something going, so a potential might bankroll him into buldozing you. [simply put yourself in his head, and think about what you would do. If I were him, I'd get on the prowl, like, fast, get some nice, well-off, lonely divorced lady to feel sorry for him. This kind of thing can happen quickly after he has sex with a lonely woman]. Head's up, that's all.

 

Still, I say, give him an offer (off the record), he ABSOLUTELY CANNOT REFUSE. And not in mediation, cause mediation IS ON THE RECORD, after a case a is over, and the Judge determines legal fees. A judge would HATES YOU for making such an offer. This offer has to come from your father perhaps.

 

OFFER: (1) A home paid free and clear (your dad buys a house with monthly 30 mortgage, and sells to husband for $1.00. You dad refinances loan and uses alternative assets to secure, you take over structured payments, done. Soon enough, you'll have assets to pay this off or restructure loan onto a second mortgage on a home you might buy in the future). (2) A ten year income of "X" amount, a Hobby Account of "X" amount for 10 years. IN EXCHANGE: He signs over Parental Rights to Child, and Divorce papers, period.

 

That is dirt cheap to get a monster out of your's and you child's life. It sounds ugly. But it also sounds ugly for a man to bind an infant's feet in his hands, to "calm" him. Am I over-reacting? Is it better we just put that incident behind us, and just hope for the best?

 

I think the inducement is worth a shot. To get the benefit of this concept, one must recognize first, and foremost, the husband may contribute to the development of a dysfunctional young man. Secondly, as we already know, there are the risks in Court proceedings, and husband will be with child for sure in this arrangement. Since no proof was ever a tally gathered, it is a "She said, He said" matter, and an evaluation will likely come up zero, and make Jkrbbit look bitchy, and out to get the "poor guy." Right. No-win. Very sad.

 

Those are my "out of the box" ideas. Hope this helps. Yas

 

PS. Seriously, Trying to help.

[jakrbbt]

Some great thoughts, I'll have to get my lawyer on board if I'm going to draft an agreement proactively.

 

The problem is, I think his mother is more than willing to watch our son pretty much all the time, no matter how much my husband flakes out. And they'd all rather have that happen than "let" me step in for more time, even though no one has any problem with my actual parenting.

 

The news now is: He's filed for a temporary parenting-plan hearing.

 

So, the temporary support issue will be decided in a couple weeks, without a hearing. Then, we go to court for a parenting-plan hearing.

 

Right now, we're doing 60-40 (me with the slight majority time). It's by my husband's suggestion-- it was his own plan that he emailed to me. And it's been working well, and the baby has adjusted. But H seems to have changed his mind, possibly because, with this plan, he hardly gets any child support at all.

 

I don't know why I'm still so afraid of a hearing. It's just me dreading more bullying from H, but in public. And if the outcome is 50-50, well, that's not the end of the world either-- though I think it's better to keep the current plan at least until H's situation stabilizes.

 

My lawyer says I have a right to see his living conditions before allowing him to keep our son there overnight. But at the same time, there's not a whole lot that we can do do force him to show them to me, until the hearing. However, if we're having a hearing and he has so far refused to let me see the living conditions, that'll look horrible for him. My guess is, he'll wait until the very last minute-- like, the day after Thanksgiving-- to tell me where he'll be living.

 

I guess I'm nervous that the hearing would result in my "losing" one night every other week with my son. But I have to keep things in perspective: When I moved out, I accepted the possibility of only 50% time with my son, and I decided to leave anyway. And I was right to do so.

 

Plus, once he sees that even with 50% parenting time he's not getting a lot of child support-- and once he sees that he's not getting nearly enough spousal support (if any) to avoid working, then he will be more likely to either step up or agree to less parenting time.

 

Unless, again, his mother steps in for him, and he still wants to punish me.

 

It still helps so much, to hear from those of you whose spouses went from warfare to more or less constructive co-parents.

[BetrayedH]

Some great thoughts, I'll have to get my lawyer on board if I'm going to draft an agreement proactively.

 

The problem is, I think his mother is more than willing to watch our son pretty much all the time, no matter how much my husband flakes out. And they'd all rather have that happen than "let" me step in for more time, even though no one has any problem with my actual parenting.

 

The news now is: He's filed for a temporary parenting-plan hearing.

 

So, the temporary support issue will be decided in a couple weeks, without a hearing. Then, we go to court for a parenting-plan hearing.

 

Right now, we're doing 60-40 (me with the slight majority time). It's by my husband's suggestion-- it was his own plan that he emailed to me. And it's been working well, and the baby has adjusted. But H seems to have changed his mind, possibly because, with this plan, he hardly gets any child support at all.

 

I don't know why I'm still so afraid of a hearing. It's just me dreading more bullying from H, but in public. And if the outcome is 50-50, well, that's not the end of the world either-- though I think it's better to keep the current plan at least until H's situation stabilizes.

 

My lawyer says I have a right to see his living conditions before allowing him to keep our son there overnight. But at the same time, there's not a whole lot that we can do do force him to show them to me, until the hearing. However, if we're having a hearing and he has so far refused to let me see the living conditions, that'll look horrible for him. My guess is, he'll wait until the very last minute-- like, the day after Thanksgiving-- to tell me where he'll be living.

 

I guess I'm nervous that the hearing would result in my "losing" one night every other week with my son. But I have to keep things in perspective: When I moved out, I accepted the possibility of only 50% time with my son, and I decided to leave anyway. And I was right to do so.

 

Plus, once he sees that even with 50% parenting time he's not getting a lot of child support-- and once he sees that he's not getting nearly enough spousal support (if any) to avoid working, then he will be more likely to either step up or agree to less parenting time.

 

Unless, again, his mother steps in for him, and he still wants to punish me.

 

It still helps so much, to hear from those of you whose spouses went from warfare to more or less constructive co-parents.

 

I ran into the same problem with my ex-inlaws, if you wanna call it that. My exwife moved (a distance we had agreed upon in the MSA) and she ended up a couple blocks away from her parents. They are routinely involved with school drop-offs, watching the kids until she gets home from work, etc.. I don't care for it (they are very entitled people) but I got over it a long time ago. I have my kids 50% of the time and that's my time to influence them. Since we split the week in half, there's a decent amount of emails and texts regarding homework, extracurriculars, and shared expenses but that's it. I see her once a week when I drop-off and that's it. It takes a while but eventually you embrace separate lives. I don't think about what she's doing or about what arrangements she makes to care for the kids. If I want to know what they're doing, I text or facetime the kids directly. I know that's not an option for you now but it will be before you know it. Otherwise, I live my life and ensure that I have good plans in place for when I have the kids.

 

I think it's a great idea to draft your own agreement. Someone needs a draft for mediation so you can then have a framework on which to negotiate over language.

 

I think your fears of being bullied in a hearing sound pretty irrational. Sorry to be so blunt. Just like uncertainty creates volatility in a stock market, uncertainty is creating volatility in your support and custody issues. Be prepared to argue your case calmly. You sound like you have a good case and a good attorney. Let the hearings (are you not having hearings on both issues?) rid you of the uncertainty and then get to work on drafting a proposed agreement that you can use to mediate. Then I would urge your atty to schedule mediation asap. Share the cost of an experienced third party attorney/mediator and bang the agreement out in one day if at all possible. Mine took 10 hours (we each paid half the mediator fee that day) and we were divorced within two weeks.

 

That's when your second life truly begins.

[Mr. Lucky]

It still helps so much, to hear from those of you whose spouses went from warfare to more or less constructive co-parents.

 

There's a little chicken/egg involved. We evolved into constructive co-parents when we came to accept that the differences underlying the "warfare" weren't going away. At some point, you have to let go of the notion that your ex is going to see the light and start to function in a new framework.

 

That's when your second life truly begins.

 

Couldn't put it any better than that ...

 

Mr. Lucky