Is this crossing the line? wwyd?

[pigsonthewing]

My MM and I have the unique opportunity to live together due to the nature of our work. He goes home for a few days every six weeks or so. Anyway, he wants me to have Christmas with him and his family. I have never met his wife and would prefer not. To me, going into their home and eating at their table feels like crossing a line (I realize having an affair is crossing a line, yes). Plus, I don't care to see the two of them interact as a couple.

 

He acted hurt that I refused. But really, what would you guys do?

[GoldenAxe]

I wouldn't. Trust me as an OM that did this for years with my ex-drummer.

[gettingstronger]

Power play to subject you both to such a humiliating experience is just wrong- what will you do, sit there and watch him be a husband to his wife-he is sadistic and wants to see how far he can push you, how far you are willing to humiliate yourself to be with him- don't play in to that-

[pigsonthewing]

That is a very interesting perspective- one I had not considered. He says he can't stand leaving me to work alone on Christmas, and actually came up with this insane (to me) idea of me going home with him. I did think it was sadistic to bring an AP into the home right in front of his spouse. Like throwing it in her face. However, I never really considered the cruelty to me, really. Although it would definitely be very hurtful to see them touch, or kiss, or do any couple's thing. He says they're not like that, but that's what they all say. I guess I would find out first hand!

[the_artist_1970]

Power play to subject you both to such a humiliating experience is just wrong- what will you do, sit there and watch him be a husband to his wife-he is sadistic and wants to see how far he can push you, how far you are willing to humiliate yourself to be with him- don't play in to that-

 

Ditto. This guy wants a sister wives arrangement. I assume you are OK with being a sister wife because you know he goes home to his wife and you are sharing him, but does his wife want to be a sister wife? Maybe she does. Have you asked him? I know some women don't care, but if she thinks that she is in a monogamous marriage and her husband is bringing his gf to her house, her territory, that is room for someone to get hurt physically. I mean it. There is nothing worse than the OW coming into your home. It causes a rage beyond your imagination. That is one of the main reasons why the courts came up with crimes of passion. Look it up.

 

You have every right to have some kind of boundaries in this relationship.

[whatatangledweb]

That would be beyond cruel to you and his wife. Rubbing it in both your faces. Please don't do that.

[gettingstronger]

Well of course he is going to tell you its because he can not bear to be without you, that is how he manipulates you-makes you feel special-

Sorry, but this kind of suggestion is just plain sick-why would he subject you to such a thing, much less his wife- imagine the sick feeling of power to see the two women he is using in the same room where he can control their emotions with every move he makes-

 

Yuck- run, run, run....

[Mascara]

Does he understand that if your affair ever comes to light, it will forever ruin future Christmases for his wife and children? He sounds utterly cruel, to both of you.

[onemanband]

Talk about cake eating he wants the whole buffet I really don't understand ,this sounds crazy to me

[DKT3]

There is a chance of course that his wife knows all about this affair and is fine with it. I know several couples that have to me what would be odd marriages.

 

However, its more likely that she doesn't and this guy simply doesn't care or think of how this move will impact you, or how it could impact her should(or when) the affair is known.

 

My question is what is the appeal of a guy who can't see past his own selfishness long enough to understand how awkward and potentially painfull this can be for everyone?

[angie2443]

Power play to subject you both to such a humiliating experience is just wrong- what will you do, sit there and watch him be a husband to his wife-he is sadistic and wants to see how far he can push you, how far you are willing to humiliate yourself to be with him- don't play in to that-

 

 

I think this is it. OP, even if he doesn't want to hurt you, why would you want to be around a sadistic, cruel person. In my experience, hanging around people like this tends to rub off on one and change who they are- and not for the good:(

[Arieswoman]

pigsonthewing,

I really thought I had heard it all until now.

 

I have heard of some WS's doing some crappy things but this suggestion really takes the biscuit.

 

If anything would ever convince you to give up this toxic "relationship" that you have, this should be it.

 

Can't you see he's on a massive ego trip at both your expenses? Gee whizz! He's cr@pping on you both from a great height and then rubbing both your noses in it!

 

It seems he really gets off on the idea of playing 'happy families' eating turkey and pulling crackers, while smirking to himself that he's f***ing both of you.

 

Tell him that he's the turkey and you aren't playing his nasty little game -then get a backbone and dump the b@s£@rd.

[velvette]

I cant believe you even need to ask this. I would have ended the R when he asked because who would want to be in a R with someone capable of that?

 

If the A is discovered and odds are good that it will be and she told everyone about this including your family or friends, how would you ever explain to them why you did something like that?

 

I think you should find a good counselor if you're confused by something like this which is clearly an egregious violation of boundaries for both his wife and you.

[MissBee]

My MM and I have the unique opportunity to live together due to the nature of our work. He goes home for a few days every six weeks or so. Anyway, he wants me to have Christmas with him and his family. I have never met his wife and would prefer not. To me, going into their home and eating at their table feels like crossing a line (I realize having an affair is crossing a line, yes). Plus, I don't care to see the two of them interact as a couple.

 

He acted hurt that I refused. But really, what would you guys do?

 

He's clearly insane...

 

There is no way I would do it and the fact he even suggested it would make me realize something must be off with him.

 

Why do you sound like you may reconsider your position if someone else says they'd do it?

 

Anyway, did you ask him why he would even want something like this? I'd have to ask him why exactly he desires this or think it's a good idea and listen to what his response it...it will tell you A LOT!

Edited October 8, 2014 by MissBee

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think he knows it's insane! I think of you ask that he will tell you that he wants to have you near for the special day. I'm sure he does but this is so much more complicated. Imagine what he might get out of sitting with the family he's betraying on Christmas Day, getting enjoyment out of humiliating his wife and relegating you to a person who would cross such boundaries even though you obviously know how wrong that would be. Thrill seeking, manipulation, betrayal, living in such a fantastical world that he doesn't have to deal with reality? Merry Christmas to all... Think about how messed up this man must be to suggest this, think hard but know you'll never understand because there are types of crazy you CAN'T understand but must accept.

 

You're dealing with a truly disturbed individual and being in any kind of relationship with this man is going to be self destructive. He will bring you into his craziness!

 

Don't ever invade his wife's family or home. I don't care how upset it makes him. Also know that his wife most likely will hone in on the fact that there is something up.

 

I really feel for you, this guy is BIG trouble. I'd also bet my last dollar that he is a serial cheater.

[blue963]

I think that would cause you so much pain it wouldn't be worth it. It does matter if his feelings are hurt over this, you will be the one picking up your own pieces.

[spiderowl]

I think you've got a bigger problem than that as your MM sounds like a sadist. Grossly insensitive at the very least, to his wife first and foremost and you.

 

Wow, I really would have no respect for a guy like that.

[whichwayisup]

My MM and I have the unique opportunity to live together due to the nature of our work. He goes home for a few days every six weeks or so. Anyway, he wants me to have Christmas with him and his family. I have never met his wife and would prefer not. To me, going into their home and eating at their table feels like crossing a line (I realize having an affair is crossing a line, yes). Plus, I don't care to see the two of them interact as a couple.

 

He acted hurt that I refused. But really, what would you guys do?

 

This is absolutely a selfish and disgusting request of him, to ask you to join his family during Christmas holidays. The woman he is cheating with, bring home and make a total fool of his wife and children. He's sick in the head!

 

I am glad to hear that you prefer not to go.

 

Who cares if he's hurt, boo hoo, he's the married one here and he still continues to live a double life, lying and betraying his wife, then he hurts you too by going home and spending time with his wife.

 

What is it that you love about him? Is he worth all this? I hope you end it.

[still_an_Angel]

Is he trying to place you and his W side by side for comparison? Like a sick game of who is better? As the OW, I think you would need such big balls to pull off a stunt like that in HER territory. Thats very cruel to his wife, and even more cruel to you, getting you to witness the family dynamics and all that. Please put yourself in the wife's shoes, would you like to have this pain inflicted upon you? How about the children? Would you be able to interact with them and honestly feel good about it? And before you put me in the BS camp, I am an OW too but I keep my distance from my MM's family and avoid his W like the plague.

 

Nothing good will come out of this.

[whichwayisup]

That is a very interesting perspective- one I had not considered. He says he can't stand leaving me to work alone on Christmas, and actually came up with this insane (to me) idea of me going home with him. I did think it was sadistic to bring an AP into the home right in front of his spouse. Like throwing it in her face. However, I never really considered the cruelty to me, really. Although it would definitely be very hurtful to see them touch, or kiss, or do any couple's thing. He says they're not like that, but that's what they all say. I guess I would find out first hand!

 

Do you not have your own family? Parents, sibling, or friends you can spend the holiday with or is he the only person in your life and that's why he feels you'll be "alone".

 

And yes, they all lie. Minimize the truth, exaggerate and bend truths to suit them in the best possible light. I mean if he were to tell you he adored and loved his wife, still had sex with her, they don't fight much - Would you still be willing to have an affair with him?

[ComingInHot]

This is one of those scenarios that movies of the week are based on. I can promise you OP, if my H had brought his exow into our home on Christmas and I realized that she was porking my H while I was. She'd be cut neck to navel and fed to the dogs.

 

this is one of those 'snapped' cases where temp insanity could be pleaded.

 

please don't let the Married man play you like this and don't let him entice you into a humiliating stitch for both you and His Wife where you could find yourself in danger. Someone who does this is not concerned about your safety.

 

And what if His Wife thinks you are invited for a threesome.

 

just run darlin' fast & far* cause this MM is :bunny::bunny:

[curiousGeorge2]

Never ever do it. If you go to meet his family, at least someone will be hurt unless u love drama.

[whatatangledweb]

He has plenty of time to file for divorce before Christmas. He should do that if he doesn't want you to be without him during the holidays. Please do not destroy this holiday for his wife and kids. When they find out , it will be a dreaded holiday. And if he stays with his wife it will also be a bad memory for you.

[Scarlet2]

I've done it but technically it was when we were just friends, before I knew he wanted me. What bothered me the most was that he didn't spend hardly anytime around me when he was the one who invited me, so it was confusing. There were a lot of people and they had two separate dining areas and he did eat next to me while his wife ate in the other room. Then towards the end of the night, he finally sat down next to me on the couch.

 

Later on he said he had to act distant with me so that it wouldn't arouse suspicion, it didn't make sense to me at the time because we weren't doing anything, little did I know what was going on in his mind, but what it does is it lets the wife see there's another woman in his life and if you're attractive, she'll start getting jealous and will step up her game to please her husband but then it will taper off and she'll go back to the way she treated him before and then he has to up his game to get his ego stroked again, which was having an affair.

 

Don't do it if you don't want her to get jealous and start accusing him of cheating. Or do it just to see if she really loves him and then you'll know if you need to leave him alone or not. I have empathy for the wives who truly love their husbands, I don't for the ones who take their husbands for granted and treat them poorly. You will know first hand which category she falls into by watching her interact with him, not by what he tells you.

[gettingstronger]

I have empathy for the wives who truly love their husbands, I don't for the ones who take their husbands for granted and treat them poorly.

 

 

Divorce, not cheating is the option for men that find themselves in this position. This is a poor excuse for lacking proper boundaries in life. I see no good reason for this OP to attend a holiday get together. She will not see the "real life" she will see what she wants to see, she will see what she was groomed to see by the MM. The situation you describe does shed light on your other posts. You also have been groomed and manipulated in to seeing things as they benefit the MM, not as they benefit you.