texas143 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Arguments starts for the smallest reasons. Like, I didn't pick up the kids toys. It goes to screaming and name calling. Then I say, I'm leaving. Divorce it is. (lawyer is ready to serve her). She wont let me leave the house, start hitting me and chocking me (last time she grabbed my balls even). She hit herself so if I call the police (again), she will tell them I hit her. Then she says if I leave she is gonna kill herself. Some times she says "I'll kill you, the kids and myself. So we can be together as a family forever" I stay. I promise I'll make her happy (she demands me to say that). Until her bruises go away, she keeps showing it to me and say "look what you did". I'm divided between help her (she is obviously sick) and walk away. I love her. But I'm not loving myself. I am miserable. What should I do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 What should I do? Tell her you are getting a divorce unless she will accompany you to family therapy and continue to go for many months while she works through her anger issues. I would recommend you leave her immediately if there weren't kids involved. But since there are kids involved, and being that she might get custody of them or at least partial custody, it might be advantageous for you in the long run to get her into therapy one way or another. Going with her to therapy under threat of divorce, might be the way. Then down the road you can divorce her anyway, but she'll have had months of therapy and hopefully some of it will stick and help her with her anger issues. If not, you can use the therapy in court as evidence to support your claims of her abuse of you and the kids. Win-win situation either way. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Can you tape record her freaking out? I did. It helped greatly in the long run * You do realize that it isn't just you she is abusing right? The kid/s know much more than they will let on. Trust me. She is sick and needs help. She needs to WANT help. You on the other hand need help and can get it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Get a miniature video camera (preferably motion activated) and hide it in the room so that the next time this occurs, it will be documented that you never touched her. Or maybe a live webcam that records to your computer or elsewhere. Do NOT tell her about it. Then call 911 when she abuses you again. Beforehand, talk to your lawyer about full custody due to her possibly endangering the kids, and a restraining order that forces her out of the house. Or ask your lawyer about your best strategy in this situation, given your location and how police may respond to a DV call. (Note: some states do not allow voice recording without the consent of all recorded, but video in you own home is fine if you do not record audio - ask your lawyer.) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bastus Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 i feel sorry for you dude , what a hard situation , anyway , i agree with previous posts here , just try to collect any evidences about her abusive attitudes , it will be very useful later .. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author texas143 Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Tell her you are getting a divorce unless she will accompany you to family therapy and continue to go for many months while she works through her anger issues. I would recommend you leave her immediately if there weren't kids involved. But since there are kids involved, and being that she might get custody of them or at least partial custody, it might be advantageous for you in the long run to get her into therapy one way or another. Going with her to therapy under threat of divorce, might be the way. Then down the road you can divorce her anyway, but she'll have had months of therapy and hopefully some of it will stick and help her with her anger issues. If not, you can use the therapy in court as evidence to support your claims of her abuse of you and the kids. Win-win situation either way. Good luck. Yes, we have therapy scheduled. I don't have any plans to take the kids from her, she is a good mom when I am not around. If I do divorce, I want 50/50 custody. And she doesn't work, that makes divorce even harder... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author texas143 Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Get a miniature video camera (preferably motion activated) and hide it in the room so that the next time this occurs, it will be documented that you never touched her. Or maybe a live webcam that records to your computer or elsewhere. Do NOT tell her about it. Then call 911 when she abuses you again. Beforehand, talk to your lawyer about full custody due to her possibly endangering the kids, and a restraining order that forces her out of the house. Or ask your lawyer about your best strategy in this situation, given your location and how police may respond to a DV call. (Note: some states do not allow voice recording without the consent of all recorded, but video in you own home is fine if you do not record audio - ask your lawyer.) My lawyer already advised me on that. For video, the people on camera must be warned that they are being filmed, at home or not. I could do voice, in my state only one of the involved needs to consent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 The truth is, people like this are very dangerous. If she has threatened to kill you, herself and the kids, this means that she has entertained this idea and is capable of doing it. Not many people would even consider this idea, much less vocalize it. This tells you just how unstable she is. Of course she's using this threat to control you but it goes deeper than that. You need to take it seriously, as I'm sure you have. If you have weapons in the house, I'd suggest that you remove them. Have you considered going to the cops or asking a counselor what you can do to protect yourself? More and more, people are starting to wake up to the realities of men in abusive relationships. Just because you guys are bigger and stronger, it doesn't protect you in these instances. In a time where things are calm and your idiot wife doesn't have bruises on her, could you go to the cops or someone else and get some advice as to legal actions you can take? Hey, if men can't hit or choke women, then it's completely not ok for a woman to do that to a man. She's sick and twisted and dangerous. People like this will make your life a living hell. Anything you do aside from staying is a gamble. Then again, staying would be like a death sentence to you. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Arguments starts for the smallest reasons. Like, I didn't pick up the kids toys. It goes to screaming and name calling. Then I say, I'm leaving. Divorce it is. (lawyer is ready to serve her). She wont let me leave the house, start hitting me and chocking me (last time she grabbed my balls even). She hit herself so if I call the police (again), she will tell them I hit her. Then she says if I leave she is gonna kill herself. Some times she says "I'll kill you, the kids and myself. So we can be together as a family forever" I stay. I promise I'll make her happy (she demands me to say that). Until her bruises go away, she keeps showing it to me and say "look what you did". I'm divided between help her (she is obviously sick) and walk away. I love her. But I'm not loving myself. I am miserable. What should I do? Start carrying a recorder so you can get this all on voice or video. She's unhealthy.. Abusive, manipulative and obviously has some serious mental health issues. Do your kids see this or hear her? It's time to get out of this marriage. One day she could do something to your children. Time to protect them and get your wife assessed at a mental health unit. She needs help so badly. Involve her family and yours if possible, get support and DO talk to your local police about this. Find a therapist and do family counseling because your kids will need it, and so will you. Sorry you're going through this. Stay strong and please, ask for help so you can stay safe with your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 My lawyer already advised me on that. For video, the people on camera must be warned that they are being filmed, at home or not. I could do voice, in my state only one of the involved needs to consent. As soon as you are talking to her, and she freaks out, tell her you're recording her. If possible, have a witness. A neighbour, another family member (not your kids), maybe a bro or sis/cousin, near by so when things get bad, they can be in hearing distance and come in and witness her freakouts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Yes, we have therapy scheduled. I don't have any plans to take the kids from her, she is a good mom when I am not around. If I do divorce, I want 50/50 custody. And she doesn't work, that makes divorce even harder... How is she a good mom when she is abusive and threatening to you? Your wife is mentally ill and right now she needs to be on meds and needs counseling. You really trust her 100% that she would never hurt the kids? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I would recommend you leave immediately because the kids shouldn't be seeing or hearing any of this. You two have no right to carry on like that in front of the kids. And if you think picking up the kid toys could have prevented this, then why on earth would you refuse to do that until you find a permanent solution? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 BPD. Index | A Shrink for Men 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dclan Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 (edited) Arguments starts for the smallest reasons. Like, I didn't pick up the kids toys. It goes to screaming and name calling. Then I say, I'm leaving. Divorce it is. (lawyer is ready to serve her). She wont let me leave the house, start hitting me and chocking me (last time she grabbed my balls even). She hit herself so if I call the police (again), she will tell them I hit her. Then she says if I leave she is gonna kill herself. Some times she says "I'll kill you, the kids and myself. So we can be together as a family forever" I stay. I promise I'll make her happy (she demands me to say that). Until her bruises go away, she keeps showing it to me and say "look what you did". I'm divided between help her (she is obviously sick) and walk away. I love her. But I'm not loving myself. I am miserable. What should I do? Buy a mini camera, one of those hidden cameras (check e-bay), and film her doing that (either hide the camera in a room, or on yourself). I know it sounds too much of a hassle, and something that could only happen in the movies, but trust me its the best thing. The problem is that, if she beats herself, she can later claim domestic abuse, and although you will be able to prove (in due time) that she is the one responsible for her own bruises, it will only make it longer. Buy one of those cameras. Either hide it in a good spot, or on yourself. Get one that records audio: Wait for her to start small argument, film her beating you up, and most importantly film hear beating herself up. Apologise, tell her you love her, calm her down, then go to your lawyer, give him the video. From this point on your lawyer will instruct you about the best way to handle things. But this woman needs therapy, and your kids need to be away from her. Don't try to confront her into having an argument with you, since that could ruin the purpose of the video. Just be yourself when you are recording. The way you describe her, she'll probably start an argument about nothing at any moment. If you really want to help her, you have to do this. Edited October 25, 2014 by dclan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Texas143, I am very concerned about this Then she says if I leave she is gonna kill herself. Some times she says "I'll kill you, the kids and myself. So we can be together as a family forever" and I believe, from what you have told me that your wife has serious mental health issues that go beyond an anger management problem. IMO you need to get the kids out of there and fast as I believe they are at risk. This is not a healthy environment for them to be in. Can you take them to a parent's house? Then you need to leave and serve her with divorce papers. You may love her but all the love in the world won't make her realize that her behaviour is abusive and dangerous - she needs to realize that for herself and be willing to change. Personally I can't see that happening. Stay strong for your kids and good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I would recommend you leave immediately because the kids shouldn't be seeing or hearing any of this. You two have no right to carry on like that in front of the kids. And if you think picking up the kid toys could have prevented this, then why on earth would you refuse to do that until you find a permanent solution? Trust me with abusers like this it wouldn't matter what he did if its not the kids toys its something else the trigger is just a excuse a means to a end.. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 OP, there have been cases recently of women doing this, killing the kids, saying that they were abused and the man is responsible, then faking a suicide [jumping out of a 1st story window] for attention and almost getting away with it. In fact a few yrs back the above happened in Canada, the woman killed the kids when she knew she was losing custody by drowning them in the bathtub. At the trial, the judge was crying because he had to sentence the 'poor abused woman'. You need proof of this, a good plan of action and to pull the trigger when the time is right. She probably has BPD, but : - do not tell her that or use this word in therapy ... unless you want her to go full psycho on you [as she will know you see how broken she is on the inside and they fear this] - do not mention this in court, because it is considered a mental illness and those are seen as 'manageable'. There is no way to manage what she has. Because it is manageable, it will be your duty to support your spouse through these troubling times [see where i'm going with this ... ]. She'll throw a major pity party. You need recordings, you need to catch her in the act, seen by others, documented, that she has in fact planned killing her children and faking abuse. Now, please tell me you are not in UK or Canada. Because it will be harder to convince the authorities that you are the sane one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author texas143 Posted November 12, 2014 Author Share Posted November 12, 2014 i'm having surgery tomorrow. she cut me in the arm,, have to repair a tendom. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) As soon as you are talking to her, and she freaks out, tell her you're recording her. If possible, have a witness. A neighbour, another family member (not your kids), maybe a bro or sis/cousin, near by so when things get bad, they can be in hearing distance and come in and witness her freakouts. Do not let her have wind of your recordings if you're going to do that, thats like ruining your own chances for proof. When this relationships ends, yes it has got to end there is physical abuse here going to counseling is far too late now. When this relationship ends you want as much proof on your side as possible to have your rights/wishes granted and your claims believed so you don't get screwed out of seeing your kids. Do not share any plans of action you have. This woman HURTS you, and your children have to be subjected to it you should be working to leave the relationship and gain full custody, sorry but if she threatens to kill her children she shouldn't have them you saying she's a great mom is a load of poo a great mom doesn't cut their father and threaten to kill them. There is no amount of counseling that can fix this you are way passed the option of counseling when it comes to physical abuse. Edited November 13, 2014 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 I'm going to tell you what I would tell a woman in your position. Get the kids and leave. She has physically abused you, threatened your life and that of your kids. She needs professional help before she hurts someone, mainly you. I wouldn't spend one more night under a roof with her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 i'm having surgery tomorrow. she cut me in the arm,, have to repair a tendom. My God, call the police and have her arrested! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 13, 2014 Share Posted November 13, 2014 i'm having surgery tomorrow. she cut me in the arm,, have to repair a tendom. Please do not try to hide the truth about this or protect her. She belongs in jail or a mental institution. I'm so sorry this has happened. Do you have family or friends with you? Link to post Share on other sites
welyam Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 I'm going to tell you what I would tell a woman in your position. Get the kids and leave. She has physically abused you, threatened your life and that of your kids. She needs professional help before she hurts someone, mainly you. I wouldn't spend one more night under a roof with her. I am so sorry, but i can't find another reason to save your relationship, other than what stillafool said Link to post Share on other sites
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