Would you break up with him over this??

[nadine5]

Without too many details... 4-5 month relationship with BF, very intense (positive) at first, also very intense (negative) throughout (fights and the like). We are both around 30 yrs old. Here is part of my previous post:

 

 

"We became 'official', and although I didn't badger him about it, he hasn't updated his relationship status on FB, he doesn't hold hands, any PDA whatsoever.

 

I'm not a snoop, but I will often glimpse at his phone or see him talking to some girl on FB messages. Or even multiple girls. One of his friends is actually a waitress at a "club"... yes, that kind.. and the other day he went out and bought her a stuffed giraffe...really weird. I didn't get any stuffed animals. He is always texting her too, and she is always sending him pictures of herself."

 

.

.

.

 

So, an update on the Waitress.

 

For her birthday, he sent her roses. Weird, but it was her birthday.

 

Then, I found out WITHOUT him mentioning it, that he had bought her yet ANOTHER stuffed animal and DID NOT tell me about it.

 

Also, his buddy told me that he and the Waitress have, indeed, hooked up when he told me they had never.

 

This caused a huge fight, with him telling me they were JUST FRIENDS and how dare I tell him what he can and cannot do for his friends. He still denies ever hooking up with her, and that Stuffed Animal #2 just never crossed his mind to tell me about.

 

Then he says these little "gifts" are nothing compared to what he spends on me.

 

Now keep in mind a few points: he sees me all the time, probably every day and we stay over with each other most nights and when we don't stay over we typically see each other up until we actually go to bed, so there would be VERY little time for him to cheat on me. If he does, then he is very VERY good at it.

 

However, the texting is frequent and he hides it from me. Bad sign.

 

I found out about this incident on Friday and it has been eating me and tearing me apart inside ever since. He is actually a very good person, and he is very very sweet and kind, but I am so distraught over this; it is killing me.

 

My mom put it this way: "Nadine, when he introduces his girlfriend, he wants to say 'Hi, this is my girlfriend, Nadine. She is a loan officer' not 'Hi, this is my girlfriend, (insert trashy name here), she works at Strip Club.'"

 

 

In YOUR opinion, would YOU break up with him? Why or why not? Thank you so much, guys.

 

<3

Nadine

[preraph]

Well, first, I think your mom grossly underestimates how many guys would love to say their girlfriend worked at a strip club, but that's beyond the point. Girls who work at those clubs are doing it for one reason, and that's to wring money and gifts, but mostly money, out of chumps.

 

All that aside, you know he's not serious about you or he wouldn't still be out there looking, and he's obviously looking. As you can see from a lot of guys' posts on this board, looking is easier than getting the girl to come F you, but the intent is the same.

 

If you are looking for a short ride with no strings, that's what you've got here. If you want a guy you can depend on and who isn't looking, you need to start looking again. Personally, I just think dealing with that type of stuff is too stressful and sucks all the joy out of having companionship. Please don't delude yourself into thinking he'll change for you. The more you stay put for, the more he'll throw at you. Good luck. You're still young. Don't waste any more time on this guy.

[evanescentworld]

Yes, basically.... Echo al of that. ^^

[nadine5]

Thanks for your reply.

 

The thing is, Waitress very VERY clearly has a crush on him, and some people may find her attractive but he is much better looking than she is, and I honestly think that I am, too (not trying to be conceited).

 

She pretends to be into the things he is into. For example, he is OBSESSED with Star Trek, and so she went out and bought a million things Star Trek for herself (slutty tee-shirts, toys, etc) but one day, when we were all at the bar and he was talking about Star Trek (which I am quite familiar with) I asked her a very simple question that ANY fan would know (yes, I admit, to test her) and she had no idea what I was talking about. -_-

 

And he is right, he DOES spend a lot more on me than he does her...I'm pretty sure he blew his entire paycheck taking me to Chicago for my birthday. But I do not want to compete. And I WILL NOT compete with a Waitress who is probably actually a Stripper.

[d0nnivain]

Yes I would break up with him.

 

I don't care what label you put on it, his actions do not say you are his GF. If he sent the waitress flowers, that would be one thing, but roses, no. All the stuffed animals . . . too much for a non-GF when he' supposedly in a relationship with you. He's secretive & hiding stuff from you. You already have fights.

 

It hasn't been 6 months yet. You should still be in the honeymoon stages. It's already too hard. Don't bother.

[smackie9]

Breakup? Why are you here asking! YES duh.

 

He IS cheating! he is at the very least emotionally cheating on you.

 

Hun if it doesn't feel right it's not.

[nadine5]

Ugh I just took a Xanax and I wish I hadn't...now I feel OK about the whole thing instead of pissed and on the verge of breakup like I was 30 minutes ago!! GODDD!!!!

[Dontfindme]

Stop taking xanax - you can't escape your reality forever. Once the high wears off, you will be back to square 1.

 

You know what you need to do.

[d0nnivain]

Use the xanax induced lack of stress to look at this logically. What do you see now that your emotions are more under control? You should still see the same factors that lead to breaking up with him, albeit in a healthier, calmer, less dramatic fashion then the screaming match you were on the verge of. Just walk away quietly after calmly telling him this isn't working for you rather than creating some sort of a scene where you trot out every wrong you feel he has done to you.

[preraph]

Thanks for your reply.

 

The thing is, Waitress very VERY clearly has a crush on him, and some people may find her attractive but he is much better looking than she is, and I honestly think that I am, too (not trying to be conceited).

 

But as we know from the Tiger Woods saga, having the best looking woman has no bearing on if a guy will cheat or not. Those guys who always have to be pursuing women are doing it for the constant validation, the ego stroke. Being hot won't stop a cheater. Cheaters do it for their own reasons, not because you aren't hot enough. It's their flaw they need to constantly get validation they're desirable from a variety of women.

[beyondcrushed]

Yah, I would of been outta there so quick. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't compete. He clearly has a 'special' interest and relationship with the waitress. Emotional attachment for sure. Roses n stuffed animals? Ask yourself this...would he do that for his best guy friend? Or another female friend? Or what about his sister? Or mother? I think it's a little too much effort for a ' friend'.

 

Listen to your gut feelings. If it doesn't feel right to you, it isn't right for you.

 

Know yourself and what you can handle, live with.

If you explain your concerns and what you need, he should try to meet those needs. If not, then you need to decide if that's acceptable for you. Be clear with him what you are willing to accept and not accept with opposite sex friendships. Don't expect him to change anything. If it's too much, then walk.

 

I went through almost exactly same situation as you. But it was his trashy bartender and he gave no gifts, rather more time care n attention to her. Read my thread from June 2014 about him being at the bar.

Edited October 9, 2014 by beyondcrushed

[Zahara]

"He is super super handsome (better looking than I am) and HAS WAYYY too many girls after him. To be honest, I do not know why he likes me.

 

So far, he has been very very attentive and sweet...when he wants to be. When we are around other people (mostly girls) he acts like I don't exist. This sets me off. It has made me cry a couple times (unfortunately, in front of him).

 

I'm pretty sure my being upset all the time is driving him away. He basically told me I'm lucky that I haven't driven him away. Ugh."

 

******************************************************************

 

You posted the above in July, a month into dating. The writing was already on the wall.

 

I have to wonder if you're so enamored by the superficial -- his looks and the fact that you managed to bag this guy and that inflates your ego and that is why you stay. Love? I don't think so. And the fact that you think very little of yourself because you can't fathom why a guy would like you because you don't look as good as him -- whatever happened to who you are as a person, your personality, character, confidence, etc.?

 

I can't imagine being with a guy that pretends like I am not there when in the midst of other woman. And at this present moment, is blatantly cheating on you emotionally and you're still here asking questions that have very obvious answers.

Edited October 9, 2014 by Zahara

[stillafool]

Thanks for your reply.

 

The thing is, Waitress very VERY clearly has a crush on him, and some people may

find her attractive but he is much better looking than she is, and I honestly

think that I am, too (not trying to be conceited).

 

Not only does the waitress have a crush on him but he also has a crush on her. You do know the saying "It ain't about the beauty it's about the booty". Enough said about her looks.

 

She pretends to be into the things he is into. For example, he is OBSESSED with

Star Trek, and so she went out and bought a million things Star Trek for herself

(slutty tee-shirts, toys, etc) but one day, when we were all at the bar and he

was talking about Star Trek (which I am quite familiar with) I asked her a very

simple question that ANY fan would know (yes, I admit, to test her) and she had

no idea what I was talking about. -_-

 

I see what you're saying but he probably thinks its cute that she's trying to impress him with things she knows nothing about. This further inflates his ego.

 

And he is right, he DOES spend a lot more on me than he does her...I'm pretty

sure he blew his entire paycheck taking me to Chicago for my birthday. But I do

not want to compete. And I WILL NOT compete with a Waitress who is probably

actually a Stripper.

 

Well I would hope he spends more money on you, you are his gf aren't you? Still he sent her roses and bought her a stuffed animal. He obviously is very fond of her and knows she has a crush on him. He is feeding her crush with flowers and presents. You say you will NOT COMPETE with a waitress as if she is the lowest thing walking; yet you don't see that is exactly what you are doing - competing with her. You'd better watch yourself because she just may win. Though I have to say he isn't much of a prize.

[CarrieT]

No question - I would break up with him.

 

What kind of potential do you have with someone like this when you are beating yourself up about this silly crap that he is pulling?

 

Let him have the stripped who knows nothing about Star Trek (I'm a trekkie, BTW, so someone who fakes a knowledge of it deserves a guy like the A**hole you are with).

[Redhead14]

Without too many details... 4-5 month relationship with BF, very intense (positive) at first, also very intense (negative) throughout (fights and the like). We are both around 30 yrs old. Here is part of my previous post:

 

 

"We became 'official', and although I didn't badger him about it, he hasn't updated his relationship status on FB, he doesn't hold hands, any PDA whatsoever.

 

I'm not a snoop, but I will often glimpse at his phone or see him talking to some girl on FB messages. Or even multiple girls. One of his friends is actually a waitress at a "club"... yes, that kind.. and the other day he went out and bought her a stuffed giraffe...really weird. I didn't get any stuffed animals. He is always texting her too, and she is always sending him pictures of herself."

 

.

.

.

 

So, an update on the Waitress.

 

For her birthday, he sent her roses. Weird, but it was her birthday.

 

Then, I found out WITHOUT him mentioning it, that he had bought her yet ANOTHER stuffed animal and DID NOT tell me about it.

 

Also, his buddy told me that he and the Waitress have, indeed, hooked up when he told me they had never.

 

This caused a huge fight, with him telling me they were JUST FRIENDS and how dare I tell him what he can and cannot do for his friends. He still denies ever hooking up with her, and that Stuffed Animal #2 just never crossed his mind to tell me about.

 

Then he says these little "gifts" are nothing compared to what he spends on me.

 

Now keep in mind a few points: he sees me all the time, probably every day and we stay over with each other most nights and when we don't stay over we typically see each other up until we actually go to bed, so there would be VERY little time for him to cheat on me. If he does, then he is very VERY good at it.

 

However, the texting is frequent and he hides it from me. Bad sign.

 

I found out about this incident on Friday and it has been eating me and tearing me apart inside ever since. He is actually a very good person, and he is very very sweet and kind, but I am so distraught over this; it is killing me.

 

My mom put it this way: "Nadine, when he introduces his girlfriend, he wants to say 'Hi, this is my girlfriend, Nadine. She is a loan officer' not 'Hi, this is my girlfriend, (insert trashy name here), she works at Strip Club.'"

 

 

In YOUR opinion, would YOU break up with him? Why or why not? Thank you so much, guys.

 

<3

Nadine

 

Now keep in mind a few points: he sees me all the time, probably every day and we stay over with each other most nights and when we don't stay over we typically see each other up until we actually go to bed, so there would be VERY little time for him to cheat on me. If he does, then he is very VERY good at it.

 

He is planting the seeds for moving on or at least thinking about it. Have you sensed him pulling away? Think about all the little things going on too. There must be other things you've "picked up" on.

 

If he is pulling away, let him pull away. Don't try to close up the space. Don't bring up the issue anymore. Don't cling to him. Also, don't pull away from him either. Don't double the space. Stay neutral and keep on with your life, your routine. Let him focus. If he is on the fence about it and has the proper space to think, he may come to the conclusion that he doesn't want to move on. If he decides to move on, you will already have prepared yourself for it as well.

[Btrade]

Cmon, you know the answer. You want to be nine months preggers and find out hes banging the stripper?