Got it Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) BS. I sure didn't assume this was part and parcel. They had a family vacation already planned when our affair started. I was surprised how much it bothered me. We were talking some in the beginning of it but since our normal communication was so often and frequent these little stolen moments just irked me. So I said no more communication until he came home. He wanted to play happy little hubby (which I know was not happening but my temper had kicked in) then he could have at it. But no sweet little mistress then. I did know about the vacation and we have vacationed together. I didn't try and really "understand" it or reason with. Dealing with the hand grenades of a family and a pissed off mistress was his issue, not mine. There are added stresses when one is a cake eater. And I agree with the others. I never saw or felt that I was not the primary relationship outside of the kids. Does everyone recognize that not all affairs are little side pieces? That some are fully involved and are the primary adult relationship? Edited October 10, 2014 by Got it 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Dealing with the hand grenades of a family and a pissed off mistress was his issue, not mine. There are added stresses when one is a cake eater. :laugh: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Dealing with the hand grenades of a family and a pissed off mistress was his issue, not mine. There are added stresses when one is a cake eater. :laugh: I was and am a very feisty person. He understood very quickly what the bill of goods were when he signed on. And he loves it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 No. I never felt that way. As soon as we began the relationship I was not the odd man out, his ex was. Oh, so your MM left his wife for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Oh, so your MM left his wife for you? Nevermind, I read on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
samjess Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Just found out that MM and his family are on a four day weekend holiday at the sunny beach. Wife just posted happy cocktail photos to FB. Damn FB! I'm surprised - but not surprised - about how much it's bothering me. I guess because he didn't tell me this was going to happen, I just found out about it. Not that he owes me that or anything. We've been on and off in a LD EA for several months now. We're not even that serious, so I have no right to be upset. But I still am. Anyone in an A, what do YOU do when AP goes on a vacation with the family? I mean how do you get your mind off it? It's opening up a whole can of worms in terms of feelings I've been stuffing so as to avoid them. I know it's a mess and I should get out of this A. I'm married, with a child. Total mess and it's all my fault. I know that's pathetic but it's how things are for me at the moment. I dunno, I just felt the need to post here, have people listen and tell me encouraging things... but I'm not sure what encouraging things can be said about my situation. I brought it all on myself. Ugh, guess I just need to vent... I am not in your situation at this time but was in the past and for 10 long years. You can't avoid your feelings, you have just sit quietly and let them sink all the way in before you can move forward. You have to come to terms that "yes" you are the kind of person who can have an affair while married, with a married man and "yes" he is the kind of person who can do the same. It's all very "complicated" and can be explained and rationalized 50 different ways...but the fact remains that "he" is having his cake and you are sitting infront of an empty plate. So go get some cake on your plate girl and find your own success and happiness. You will "always" have some kind of feelings for him and you will mourn the loss of your relationship with him...but it will get better I promise, going after your own happiness helps and when you find it...and you will...your feelings about him and his life will dwindle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 ... going after your own happiness helps and when you find it...and you will...your feelings about him and his life will dwindle. AMEN! This is a great point. Thank you. When I don't dwell, and focus on all of the awesome stuff I have going on in my own life, it does feel a lot better. Lots of mental exercise to be done here! Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Just found out that MM and his family are on a four day weekend holiday at the sunny beach. Wife just posted happy cocktail photos to FB. Damn FB! I'm surprised - but not surprised - about how much it's bothering me. I guess because he didn't tell me this was going to happen, I just found out about it. Not that he owes me that or anything. We've been on and off in a LD EA for several months now. We're not even that serious, so I have no right to be upset. But I still am. Anyone in an A, what do YOU do when AP goes on a vacation with the family? I mean how do you get your mind off it? It's opening up a whole can of worms in terms of feelings I've been stuffing so as to avoid them. I know it's a mess and I should get out of this A. I'm married, with a child. Total mess and it's all my fault. I know that's pathetic but it's how things are for me at the moment. I dunno, I just felt the need to post here, have people listen and tell me encouraging things... but I'm not sure what encouraging things can be said about my situation. I brought it all on myself. Ugh, guess I just need to vent... It's FUN having your cake and eating it too, especially when you take the whole cake to your own enjoyment *lol*. I would probably be hard-pressed to find an individual who didn't enjoy getting whatever whenever to their hearts and libidos desire Thing is, and this is from experience (not quite in your capacity but...) cake starts to not be as fun when someone else is taking the frosting which is the best part of cake (reverse that for those of you who like the cake better.. *). All of a sudden, you realize that it really isn't your cake but cake you're sharing... I can't help you feel better about cheating but I hope you find something, somewhere better than where you find yourself now* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 "I never let his life be more important than mine." I'm fascinated by that, Summer Breeze. Can you give examples of what you mean? I certainly can. When the A started I set my stall out. I wanted to be able to call when I needed or wanted to, I expected him to make himself available for what family functions I would normally take a BF to, I didn't drop plans because all of a sudden he was free, I made it clear to him I would talk to her honestly if she ever approached me. Overall I was a nightmare if an OW. I never gave him my power and when I felt it was starting to happen I ended the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I wanted to be able to call when I needed or wanted to, I expected him to make himself available for what family functions I would normally take a BF to... Just out of curiosity: you found these expectations realistic of a MM? Or was it more of a "shoot for the moon" type of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I certainly can. When the A started I set my stall out. I wanted to be able to call when I needed or wanted to, I expected him to make himself available for what family functions I would normally take a BF to, I didn't drop plans because all of a sudden he was free, I made it clear to him I would talk to her honestly if she ever approached me. Overall I was a nightmare if an OW. I never gave him my power and when I felt it was starting to happen I ended the A. Omg. I was a terrible OW also!! I expected our relationship to a full relationship. I think the only difference was i would not approach or be approached by the BS, even if he had wanted me to. But that was a boundary i set and still adhere to. I was his partner, she was not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Just out of curiosity: you found these expectations realistic of a MM? Or was it more of a "shoot for the moon" type of thing? It was what I expected and no less than I'd expect from any new R. I wasn't shooting for the moon at all. I had some seriously intense feelings for him and chose to have a R with him but I would never let him or anyone else dictate how an R would look. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MatchStick Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I think mine only did it once... It was after d-day and his wife was in the "let's fix this" mindset. He came home from work and she had packed their bags and said her parents surprised them with a vacation to the coast. He tried to get out of it, which I don't doubt, but ended up feeling like he had to go because her family was standing right there, pushing them out the door. I recall not handling it well. Lots of tears, not sleeping, and generally being not worth to be around. That was before the "I'm a happy wife with the perfect life" pictures started rolling in on FB. Yet I knew he was staying up all night and playing video games, trying to sleep in the armchair at the hotel, and generally wishing he was anywhere but there. It didn't help. I think what got me through it was just finding something else to fixate on and getting out and going to the coast (a different place, of course... The coast has always been my place to relax and get away) for a few days too. And I stayed the hell off of social media. I don't even think I posted pictures of my own trip... Though maybe I did, I'm not sure. Overall though, social media is just not our friend in an affair situation. Sometimes we can't help but look, but it never leads to good feelings. I couldn't help but related to this 'let's fix it attitude' by W. Mine did the same.............you chill girl, and realize its all a show. Nothing changed 'inside' of him. Mine waltzed his W around for a couple of days doing something, a coast type trip, we had talked about.......after D-day. It's called mollifying the W, and if I were in his shoes, I would do the same. He is resigning to his unhappiness in his, and HIS, situation. Please draw me the correlation between marital bliss and vaca? Really!! He's being made to 'feel bad', nothing more. My xMM W posted on a social site too, and I about cracked up laughing. These people, both of them: 20 years strife, last 7 status 'roommates' and now two days tropical and ta-da, heaven on earth? I don't know what they are taking, but give me some! Unless they are dealing with their issues, personal issues, its all cosmetic. Maybe you aren't in the tropics, but these two, like my two, just aren't taking care of business. You probably got the best out of the deal, and missed a bullet with this guy who can't re-make his marriage happy/tolerable. You probably came out ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 It was what I expected and no less than I'd expect from any new R. I wasn't shooting for the moon at all. I had some seriously intense feelings for him and chose to have a R with him but I would never let him or anyone else dictate how an R would look. That doesn't really answer the question, though. He had a W and presumably a family. It wasn't just any new R. Given that, did you consider your expectations realistic? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Maybe the problem is more that he kept it from you and didnt tell you about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I couldn't help but related to this 'let's fix it attitude' by W. Mine did the same.............you chill girl, and realize its all a show. Nothing changed 'inside' of him. Mine waltzed his W around for a couple of days doing something, a coast type trip, we had talked about.......after D-day. It's called mollifying the W, and if I were in his shoes, I would do the same. He is resigning to his unhappiness in his, and HIS, situation. Please draw me the correlation between marital bliss and vaca? Really!! He's being made to 'feel bad', nothing more. My xMM W posted on a social site too, and I about cracked up laughing. These people, both of them: 20 years strife, last 7 status 'roommates' and now two days tropical and ta-da, heaven on earth? I don't know what they are taking, but give me some! Unless they are dealing with their issues, personal issues, its all cosmetic. Maybe you aren't in the tropics, but these two, like my two, just aren't taking care of business. You probably got the best out of the deal, and missed a bullet with this guy who can't re-make his marriage happy/tolerable. You probably came out ahead. Actually, my MM left his wife and we got married. The trip was spent him staying up all night on an armchair in the hotel room playing games and texting me. He was miserable, though to look at her social media's status updates, it was the vacation of their dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Actually, my MM left his wife and we got married. The trip was spent him staying up all night on an armchair in the hotel room playing games and texting me. He was miserable, though to look at her social media's status updates, it was the vacation of their dreams. This is exactly what my guy did. In fact, just last week she sent an email to him screaming about him sending me orchids while they were on that sunny vacation, the same one where she was blitzed on vodka the entire trip. And that trip was years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 My MM just got back from a two week vacation with his wife. We were NC but when he got back he told me he spent the entire time pining for me, wishing it was me with him and not her, and fighting with her. He even lit a candle for me at a religious shrine they visited. On the way home she told him she knew about me and told him to leave. He is ecstatic about this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 My MM just got back from a two week vacation with his wife. We were NC but when he got back he told me he spent the entire time pining for me, wishing it was me with him and not her, and fighting with her. He even lit a candle for me at a religious shrine they visited. On the way home she told him she knew about me and told him to leave. He is ecstatic about this. Wow! So he's left her? I bet you are ecstatic as well. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Actually, my MM left his wife and we got married. The trip was spent him staying up all night on an armchair in the hotel room playing games and texting me. He was miserable, though to look at her social media's status updates, it was the vacation of their dreams. Why did he go? In any event this right here is the point. As I said earlier, I think it's pointless and just masochistic to sit around reading the MM and his wife's FB statuses and looking at their pictures. Why the wife is one's FB friend is beyond me and if she's not your friend to go dig up her page is you going out of your way to torture yourself (you plural btw). And oddly enough, while folks are saying the wife is the outsider, the person looking at FB and having to read into everything to see what's happening is clearly on the outside of what's happening in those moments at least. There are some things you won't know and some things you're better off not knowing in the A context. If your MM is on vacation with his family, if he hates it or loves it, he still went...and you didn't go...so just chill. Don't get the FB play by play of it. Whether the wife is exaggerating, lying or truly is having a great time or whether the MM is pretending, hating it or having a good time...the only thing you can do is fret over it as the deeper anxiety I believe is that you're NOT there, so you don't really know what's going on, and feeling that outsider feeling or like maybe he is having a good time and you're not part of it, seems to be the real issue here. So just avoid looking into their lives via FB I'd say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Why did he go? He came home from working overnight to find their bags and packed and in the car and his MIL and FIL in their apartment saying that they'd made room reservations for them to get away and reconnect. He tried to back out, but the room was booked and paid and they said non-refundable. Since he was outnumbered and the more he protested the more they fought back, so he went with the path of least resistance and just went. And he loves and respects his FIL (even now... And he should, his exFIL is an amazing man), he didn't want to fight with him over it. In any event this right here is the point. As I said earlier, I think it's pointless and just masochistic to sit around reading the MM and his wife's FB statuses and looking at their pictures. Why the wife is one's FB friend is beyond me and if she's not your friend to go dig up her page is you going out of your way to torture yourself (you plural btw). And oddly enough, while folks are saying the wife is the outsider, the person looking at FB and having to read into everything to see what's happening is clearly on the outside of what's happening in those moments at least. There are some things you won't know and some things you're better off not knowing in the A context. If your MM is on vacation with his family, if he hates it or loves it, he still went...and you didn't go...so just chill. Don't get the FB play by play of it. Whether the wife is exaggerating, lying or truly is having a great time or whether the MM is pretending, hating it or having a good time...the only thing you can do is fret over it as the deeper anxiety I believe is that you're NOT there, so you don't really know what's going on, and feeling that outsider feeling or like maybe he is having a good time and you're not part of it, seems to be the real issue here. So just avoid looking into their lives via FB I'd say. I completely agree... Don't get into the FB. It just doesn't help. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 That doesn't really answer the question, though. He had a W and presumably a family. It wasn't just any new R. Given that, did you consider your expectations realistic? They were perfectly realistic for me and he chose to enter the R with me so he must have thought he could deal with them. I made my decision and set out what I expected and he agreed. The A went on for about 2 years. So on history I'd say yes they were realistic. The R was indeed like any new R in my eyes. The growth of it was stunted and when that became a problem for me I ended it. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Just out of curiosity: you found these expectations realistic of a MM? Or was it more of a "shoot for the moon" type of thing? Ours was set up similar. I expected a boyfriend. What he did to make that happen was on him. My expectations were my expectations, they didn't change because he was married. It just required more hoops for him to jump through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts