jdripper Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 I was married to a woman I loved, still do, but just could not find happiness with. Divorced now, we talk and txt almost daily about our kids and other shared things of interest. Making this new relationship with me work was a priority for her because of the kids. Also, I know her and she couldn’t herself – she wants to but can’t hate me. She is an amazing person in many ways who suffers from anxiety and depression. Over the years we grew apart, found less in common and the only shared experiences were with our kids. Not uncommon. Many years in therapy trying to figure out how to be happy together and I think the blame is shared to some extent equally. Eventually I sought and found some emotional and then sexual affairs and these experiences told me I could be happy. A number of years ago I met a married woman in a similar situation and it was unlike anything I ever experienced. In many ways a unique and incredible woman. The relationship was so powerful and strong I couldn't help but know I had to find a way to make a life with her. I dreaded hurting my wife and my kids; family is very important to me but I was getting more and more depressed and down over the years. This new woman changed all that. Eventually we moved out of homes and in with each other. And it was great - for a while. Just like every other post here reality does come to every relationship. Finances, each other kids, differences in personalities (she is the opposite of me in many ways) all come to any perfect relationship. We've had many ups and downs and still there is some glue that keeps us together. I don't want to marry again – too scared and bruised; I just want to be happy. But as the days, weeks and months go on I find myself somehow missing my wife, now divorced, and ever more so, horribly actually, the lost moments with my children whom I love more than I can describe. A grown man I find myself alone, or going to a private place to cry a few times a week now. When do I cry; it’s mostly when we fight or I can’t be with my kids for some reason, or her kids are there and that somehow causes me to miss my kids even more and find myself feeling alone and wondering how badly I f'ed up my life. And the guilt is powerful, overwhelming at times. Do I wish I hadn't done this? Yes, more and more. But when I think honestly, I'm pretty sure (not 100%) that if I stayed with my wife I'd still find myself unhappy; 10 years of therapy and we could not find happiness with each other. I won’t go into the details, every relationship is different. And when things are good with my new partner, I still miss my kids and having a the family experience but I feel fortunate to have her. In many ways this woman is truly exceptional. All this to say hindsight does not always help. I'm confused, often sad and lonely missing what I had, often guilt ridden. I remember thinking having this affair instead of breaking my marriage then finding a relationship is unfair to my wife and kids, dishonest, dishonorable and something I would eventually regret. I do in many ways, but I don't know that if I didn't do it this way I would have had the courage to just leave without someone to go to. So again, confusion reigns. For all the people in similar situations; be aware this could be your fate. There are no easy decisions but there are many unforeseen consequences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Just to let you know, my mother has a couple of friends who married, had children, divorced (he then married someone else) and then he divorced this woman, and remarried wife #1 again. They are so happy second time round, because they know what they need now. Just a thought. It can and does happen, and actually, more frequently than you'd think. you know what they say: "You make your bed, you lie in it." Well that's Bull, because I re-make my bed every day.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 You can start by being open about this dilemma with your partner, face it together, and help each other. Share this story that you have with her. She went through roughly the same situation the same journey, she ought to feel some of what you are feeling. Be brave, be honest. Then maybe it is time for you to seek real forgiveness and acceptance too from your xW, there must be some pains and hurts that you must have inflicted on her. It was still a betrayal, inevitable or not. So again, be open and talk with her, within an appropriate boundary and awareness of course, there's still that lingering feeling that could lead to something regrettable. Be strong to wade through this struggle, and be optimist that eventually you will be more content and happy. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 A grown man I find myself alone, or going to a private place to cry a few times a week now. When do I cry; it’s mostly when we fight or I can’t be with my kids for some reason, or her kids are there and that somehow causes me to miss my kids even more and find myself feeling alone and wondering how badly I f'ed up my life. And the guilt is powerful, overwhelming at times. How much does your current partner know about your state of mind? Not sure how you can successfully participate in a new relationship when you still have such strong feelings tied to the old one. Above all, that's what I'd address first... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 You're not married to the new gal. Why not live on your own? You could have your kids whenever you wish and spend time with the exW if you choose to. Panda still date the new gal by taking her out and having fun together. I think there's a LOT of value in time on your own after any marriage ends. There's so much to sort through and process emotionally. I think you need that space for resolve in your own mind to gain clarity and to be happy all on your own. Looking to another person to supply the happiness isn't useful. Look within. You can't give what you don't have to begin with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdripper Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 Thanks for your replies everyone - it feels good to be able to talk. My new partner does know that I'm filled with guilt and that I get along with the ex very well but probably doesn't know how confused I am. You can't share everything and that information would hurt. In addition, I'm very confused - care for the ex, love her, but still don't think I could be as happy as I could with this woman. And I've been living with this woman for a while now so moving out would be a big step backwards in the relationship, hurt her which I don't want to do and leave me alone. Most certainly end this relationship; rightfully so. She has given me a lot emotionally. I'm not sure I'm looking for answers right now - I did want to share this and get it off my chest and maybe make others think about things. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 So you posted here without any intent to change anything? Why do you get to be "involved with" two women in order to fulfill your needs? Why are you so afraid to be alone? Why is it so important that a woman take such good care of you? Why aren't YOU capable of doing this for YOURSELF? You don't want help because you don't want anything to change. Bottom line is you are still using two gals for selfish reasons. Love doesn't look like that...not in a healthy world. Moving wouldn't be the step backwards - you already took a leap backwards in that relationship when you started connecting more with the exW. You want both. But that's just selfish, cruel and mean because both gals haven't gotten any honesty from you. Look out for #1 - seems the way a lot of people do it these days. And you wonder why you're so unhappy. It's because of the way you participate. Live on your own. Volunteer just for the heck of it! Spend time with your kids! Looking to "others" to provide that happiness you can't seem to find is going at it backwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 So you posted here without any intent to change anything? ~Snip~ Looking to "others" to provide that happiness you can't seem to find is going at it backwards. That's actually a very perceptive opinion, and it hadn't hit me that way. I think it's never hit the OP that way either, because he probably can't see the wood for the trees. But it makes it no less insightful. Good points.... Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Trying to keep two fires blazing at a full roar is impossible. You've got two fires going and you keep stoking each one but they are burning out for lack of attention and energy put on just one. They will both burn but neither one will really look like an amazing fire that you're paying close attention to. It will look like two neglected sad fires just barely staying lit. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 (edited) Well, by leaving your current woman you'd "damn" her to being a single mother (I'm just going to assume the kids are staying with you two, not the father?). And even if you did leave there's no certainty your ex will welcome you back with open arms. Your relationship with OW was happy because you were in the affair fog; whatever you liked about her during that time you're still trying to cling to or else you wouldn't be looking for a quiet place to cry once a week, you'd do it several times a day. At the same time you probably still haven't gripped what it truly was that was missing in your marriage. Cognitive dissonance is definitely uncomfortable to feel, but since you are so keen on never being alone/having some security at all times you're now stuck with OW. Perhaps you should finally put your focus on the "other side of the fence", even though it turned out it's not as green as it looked at first. Don't cry about your lost time with your kids, just cherish whatever time you may spend with them etc. Everything else goes to OW and her kids. Edited October 10, 2014 by No Limit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdripper Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 Harsh criticisms well deserved. And I think all of the above has truth with No Limit being the most realistic - for me anyways. Fact is relationships are not easy and I did the best I could to be happy with the wife. I still wish we could have been happy 'together' but we both knew we couldn't and time had come to live different lives. And I did not want to model that relationship to my kids. There is plenty she did either consciously or otherwise to push me away and I'm not looking to repent or justify my actions. If it had ended with animosity I doubt I would have had any good feelings towards her but we do have a connection going far back and it's still there. I do NOT lead her on but we both want to maintain good relationships for our kids and we both agree we are still parenting together even though we do not live together. I think the reason I posted here was to be able to talk and share some of my experiences about this difficult road I have chosen and maybe give someone else some sober advice because I remember well hearing many different opinions from friends and the difficulty I had sifting through all of it. I appreciate the feedback. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 we both want to maintain good relationships for our kids and we both agree we are still parenting together even though we do not live together And that my friend is something you have to be very grateful for, 'cause not many fathers have the chance to do that. Not even those who didn't cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 If it had ended with animosity I doubt I would have had any good feelings towards her but we do have a connection going far back and it's still there. I do NOT lead her on but we both want to maintain good relationships for our kids and we both agree we are still parenting together even though we do not live together.. Perhaps you're confusing that appreciation of the past with the feelings needed to sustain an ongoing relationship? Again, I don't see your current situation as tenable or fair to the women in your life. One of them deserves your undivided attention and focus on the relationship. Right now, you're torn between the woman you're with and the woman you want. I'm sure the irony isn't lost on you that their roles are reversed from what they both once had... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
darocksin2 Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Hi jdripper, my heart went out to you as I read through your post. It’s true that divorce is never an easy option, especially when children are involved; and I’m sorry that enduring this heartache. Have you sought any professional help after your divorce? I feel a good Christian counselor or therapist might help you deal with your readjustment issues in a better way. Praying for you! Rb Link to post Share on other sites
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