Author Blackknight Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 And, i hated myself for cheating. I did not like that person an I do not want to be that person. As far as my husbands requests I did those for him because I owed him whatever he asked to save our marriage. But then I threw it all away. Some people are weak and some are not. It isn't a cop out it is an honest acknowelgement of my character. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 "Whether or not the OBS is a "good" person or not is irrelevant to your own growth. Oh, and just for the record, no one is either all good or all bad, and no human is worthy to judge another person. A person's behavior can be good or bad. You can stop that bad behavior, stop justifying that bad behavior, stop blaming others for your own bad behavior, or encouraging other to do the same bad behavior. Own it, learn from it. Try not to repeat it. Do no harm to others is a good way to start thinking." My last post was not aimed at you or anyone in particular. Just a general statement or thought. I was elaborating on what Alwaysgrowing said about if a person is good or not and it being irrelevent. Did you not notice I said no one (WS, AP, BS, etc) is either all good or all bad. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 No I did not misunderstand your point. the BS holds NO RESPONSIBILITY IN THE AFFAIR TAKING PLACE And you want them to. You want them to say it is their fault, therefore removing any guilt from the WS and their AP. "It may be the wrong choice and may make things worse in the end, and the affair itself is the sole responsibility of the participants, but usually there were things in the marriage that led up to that choice being made." All societies of the world do acknowledge that adultery is the “wrong” choice. That is why it is hidden. That is what bothers AP’s that end up together, the way most anti-adultery people view them. They want respect and recognition and affirmation. Usually only other cheaters will do that. And that big ole “but” in that paragraph just negated “it that the affair itself is the sole responsibility of the participants because “things” (the horrible BS) made them make that choice.” When you understand that the problem is with the cheater, not the marriage, It becomes clear that it is possible for affairs to happen in good relationships. But you should have a clear mind and heart, after all, your MM’s BS was just horrid. She deserved to be cheated on because of "things" leading up to it. Just going to address this. I do not feel my guy's Bjorn 'deserved' to be cheated on. But I do give a nod to the prior problems in the marriage playing a part in the WS having an affair. As I said, on this forum, BS's hold themselves blameless. As is shown here. I am sure you were a perfect spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Just going to address this. I do not feel my guy's Bjorn 'deserved' to be cheated on. But I do give a nod to the prior problems in the marriage playing a part in the WS having an affair. As I said, on this forum, BS's hold themselves blameless. As is shown here. I am sure you were a perfect spouse. Bjorn? don't you love autocorrect! I was in a 30 year marriage, kids, business ownership, the works. Our marriage ended in divorce. Thankfully, neither I or my ex cheated on the other. We respected each other, worked to save the marriage, and mutually decided that our relationship had run it's course. I personally don't believe that anyone is "blameless" in a marriage. We can all at times be the crappy spouse. But cheating lies at the feet of the one who did it. I really believe that is black and white. Divorce isn't easy, is painful, but I can only imagine the added layer of hurt that cheating brings. It's not the honorable exit from a marriage. It's cowardly. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Bjorn? don't you love autocorrect! I was in a 30 year marriage, kids, business ownership, the works. Our marriage ended in divorce. Thankfully, neither I or my ex cheated on the other. We respected each other, worked to save the marriage, and mutually decided that our relationship had run it's course. I personally don't believe that anyone is "blameless" in a marriage. We can all at times be the crappy spouse. But cheating lies at the feet of the one who did it. I really believe that is black and white. Divorce isn't easy, is painful, but I can only imagine the added layer of hurt that cheating brings. It's not the honorable exit from a marriage. It's cowardly. No, I hate air correct! It looks like I was calling her a b*tch when I wasn't. I may think of her that way at times but that is on me, not her. As for your divorce, you are lucky. It went well. Therefore you have no idea how a horrible marriage/divorce feels. But put your opinion in anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 You just enjoy looking down at me and laughing. Blackknight, have you had any counseling to talk through some of these self-esteem thoughts you've described? Because I have not seen anything on this thread that describes PPs "looking down and laughing" at you. I see the opposite, people trying to offer advice or have you see a situation from a fresh angle. Maybe some of the posts are not relevant for you, maybe you don't like the way a poster talks, or maybe you're just not ready to hear some particular comments. All of which are okay. All you can do is decide what kind of person you want to be right now, and take it one day at a time to accomplish that. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 No, I hate air correct! It looks like I was calling her a b*tch when I wasn't. I may think of her that way at times but that is on me, not her. As for your divorce, you are lucky. It went well. Therefore you have no idea how a horrible marriage/divorce feels. But put your opinion in anyway. We had many horrible years, and our divorce wasn't easy and was lengthy. But, I stand by what I posted. Cheating is cowardly, and the cheater needs to own that. I'm truly thankful he didn't choose that path, because as devastating as divorce is (for everyone) adding cheating would have destroyed everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) Moderation will reopen this thread today. But it does not go without saying, the thread will continue to be monitored. I will ask that all posters be more civil and less defensive in dealing with these delicate situations as not every situation is the same. If more in-fighting starts up....this thread will be closed and infractions given. Edited October 20, 2014 by Robert Link to post Share on other sites
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