looking for a safe place

[Blackknight]

Has your H ever considered confronting the MM? It's obvious that, as much as you may still have feelings for this guy, he's the one who's been initiating these reconnections. Having told your H about the last time, it would serve you and your M well to be just as honest again.

 

Back after I confessed my husband confronted him. It was about a year before the first time MM and I ran into each other and was overly friendly. I have actually saw him more than that but we have mever interacted nor did I think I wanted to. My Husband had to threaten his wife with a RO before she left us alone. This time my husband just left it to me and like I said I ignored it. And then I didn't. I realize some people value honest at all costs but I think whatever path I choose i will not be cofessing anything to my husband.

[Sub]

Back after I confessed my husband confronted him. It was about a year before the first time MM and I ran into each other and was overly friendly. I have actually saw him more than that but we have mever interacted nor did I think I wanted to. My Husband had to threaten his wife with a RO before she left us alone. This time my husband just left it to me and like I said I ignored it. And then I didn't. I realize some people value honest at all costs but I think whatever path I choose i will not be cofessing anything to my husband.

 

I think if your H left it to you to handle it, I don't see what you're risking by telling him. You tried to ignore it, you couldn't. Now you may need his help to handle this again. Sounds like you may be more afraid that he'll do something rash in regards to the OM, which is understandable.

[Blackknight]

You didn't do it all right, otherwise you'd not let exMM back into your life and your marriage would be number one.

 

I suggest you find a marriage counselor to work with you and your husband together, confess to your H the latest on the A starting up again. If you don't come clean, chances are very high your H will find out on his own.

 

 

 

But you also want exMM. Is that true love? Selfish love? Ego feed love? Obsession love? Is going down that path again worth losing what you have now?

 

You can't have it both ways. End your affair and reinvest in your husband and marriage or get a divorce, do set your H free.

Thank you for this I just want to say I don't agree with the first part. It reminds me of someone who gives you advice on how to get read of a sickness. When you follow it to the letter and are still sick they say "you didn't do everything right". Looking back there is nothing I did wrong. I ended it, i confessed every thing. I never argued or fought back when my husband cried, yelled or broke things. I took full responsibility for my own actions. I cut off MM completely. I went not just to A counsellor but to a shrink to. I went on medication. I told my parents as per requested. I confessed the entire thing on fb as requested. I got rid of my smart phone and only carried a flip phone with minutes. Nothing was locked away or hidden from my husband. I read whatever books were suggested. I cried when I was alone and loathed what I did. I was repulsed by what I let Him do to me. I became more open and honest though I was never a secretive person to begin with. I gave up girls nights and my hobby.

 

I really was doing everything right. Until I did wrong, again.

[Blackknight]

You may not be a terrible person - but your actions are hurtful to others.

 

Is a person defined by their actions?

 

 

If what you are doing makes you feel like a terrible person - then stop doing the action that invokes that feeling.

 

Your H gave you a second chance and you are ruining it.

 

How about honesty to him - so Your husband can make an educated decision about what HE wants?

 

I'm sure he deserves that at the minimum!

 

He wants me to be a faithful wife and good mother. That ship has sailed. I am not dragging him back in to this on purpose. Actions do define what type of person you are. But what actions count? And what ones don't? And who decides this?

[truncated]

Blacknight,

Your posts sound very confused, but from what I can tell, it does sound as if you either really do love your hsuband, or you are trying to convince yourself that you do. The way you speak sounds more like you really do love him.

 

By saying you are weak, in esssence, you are giving yourself a form of approval and permisison to be in the affair. Based on everything you say, you are not a weak person. You were storng enough to fight for your maraige the first time around, and do all the hard work it took to get to where you are today. i expect that none of that was easy. That belies strength. But if you are a strng perosn, then you can't give yourself taht form of approval to be in the affair.

 

It also sounds like you are, at your core, an honest perosn. Being in the affair is turning you into someone who sneaks and lies. Is that really who you are? If you can honestly look at the situation and say that being in an affair, that lying to your spouse is who you are, then I would highly suggest you leave him now, as he deserves honesty. He has been willing to give your marriage another try, predictaed on you being honest.If you can't do that, then is that really fair to him?

 

Whne it comes ot how your hsubandcould react and how he feels. I would really listen to the bS's as they are the ones who have been in his shoes and can give you the most insight nto his side of the equation. Unless they ahve been in his shoes, no ow or om will be able to tell you how he feels.

 

I do find it interestig that you posted in the other man/woman scetion, as you are a wayward, and unless your OM is married, you are not an OW. Why did you choose to post here? What was it, exactly, that you are looking for and why would on ow or om be the ones you thought could provide it? ( I am asking you that, not everyone else on here. Is it as simple as you thought they would understand your position better, or is there somehting deeper than that? Were you looking for absolution? Understanding and a tacit permisison to be in the affair? Just to vent, ask a question and nothing more? I suspect, if you dig deep enough, your answer to the question will help you sort out what you really want in your life right now)

[Blackknight]

This statement stood out to me. Are you truly weak? If so, do you know why? Have you thought about the reasons?

 

I'm a fWW, I told my H and we have reconciled. As you know, that time after d-day is really painful and difficult. I had to be strong. For me, for him, for our relationship. I saw his pain every day, and it took all my strength to look in the mirror, face the consequences of my choices, and work on myself.

 

It took strength to tell your H, and I have to wonder why then you are back talking with the xOM...when you admit he's not that great. I would not call that weakness...but it is a sign of something. Do you have trouble saying no to people? Are you passive in general? Is that fact that xOM is "kind" to you trigger something from your past?

 

Think about your plan, think about who you want to be moving forward in life. Do you want to be someone who is a serial cheater? Or do you want to be someone who changed and lives with integrity? It is your choice, all in your hands.

 

Good luck,

BSW

 

I don't know; it was like when he talked to me, really talked, all these emotions came bubbling up inside of me. At first I told myself I was going to use the conversation against him. But I quickly realized I still wanted him. And I engaged with him. And it felt like a missing piece was there again. That is why I say I am weak. It took hardly anything, just an apology really and I was in. Everything I had worked for and sacrificed for was gone.

[Blackknight]

But the OP has no desire to save the marriage since she jumped right back into the affair after a few lovey dovey words from the cheater.

 

OP, you didn't do everything right. Everything right would have been to not talk to the man you cheated with.

 

You say you can't change...that's not true. You don't want to change. You want the security of marriage with the excitement of an affair. You want both and that is the definition of a cake eater. I feel sorry for you H..he chose to forgive you and reconcile, and you chose to engage back into the affair. You threw away his trust and belief in you for some married dude who ran over you with a bus.

 

Saying you are weak is an excuse. You are trying to act like the victim, like someone who doesn't have control over themselves. It's an excuse to carry on the affair. Own it.

 

I already explained how I did do everything right. And I did make a choice to re engage. Against everything. I don't know why saying I am weak is scene as an excuse? Isn't that exactly what I am weak? A strong person wouldn't have done what I did, twice. And how am I a victim? A victim of myself maybe but that isn't really a victim is it? I have not blamed one person but myself. A victim is someone who has no control over what is happening. I do but chose to re-engage. That doesn't make me a victim. It makes me a weak fool.

[Blackknight]

I think if your H left it to you to handle it, I don't see what you're risking by telling him. You tried to ignore it, you couldn't. Now you may need his help to handle this again. Sounds like you may be more afraid that he'll do something rash in regards to the OM, which is understandable.

 

I had no idea how bad it would be first time around. I thought my husband would either forgive me or divorce me. I really hoped he would forgive me. The level of pain I caused, the scrutiny I went under, the stalking done by MM's wife were more than I can do again. And even talking here is like WTF was I thinking. How can I be this person? I cannot ask my husband to fix this for me. I will not be confessing again. Even if I never speak to Mm again I will be taking this one to the grave.

[Blackknight]

Blacknight,

Your posts sound very confused, but from what I can tell, it does sound as if you either really do love your hsuband, or you are trying to convince yourself that you do. The way you speak sounds more like you really do love him.

 

By saying you are weak, in esssence, you are giving yourself a form of approval and permisison to be in the affair. Based on everything you say, you are not a weak person. You were storng enough to fight for your maraige the first time around, and do all the hard work it took to get to where you are today. i expect that none of that was easy. That belies strength. But if you are a strng perosn, then you can't give yourself taht form of approval to be in the affair.

 

It also sounds like you are, at your core, an honest perosn. Being in the affair is turning you into someone who sneaks and lies. Is that really who you are? If you can honestly look at the situation and say that being in an affair, that lying to your spouse is who you are, then I would highly suggest you leave him now, as he deserves honesty. He has been willing to give your marriage another try, predictaed on you being honest.If you can't do that, then is that really fair to him?

 

Whne it comes ot how your hsubandcould react and how he feels. I would really listen to the bS's as they are the ones who have been in his shoes and can give you the most insight nto his side of the equation. Unless they ahve been in his shoes, no ow or om will be able to tell you how he feels.

 

I do find it interestig that you posted in the other man/woman scetion, as you are a wayward, and unless your OM is married, you are not an OW. Why did you choose to post here? What was it, exactly, that you are looking for and why would on ow or om be the ones you thought could provide it? ( I am asking you that, not everyone else on here. Is it as simple as you thought they would understand your position better, or is there somehting deeper than that? Were you looking for absolution? Understanding and a tacit permisison to be in the affair? Just to vent, ask a question and nothing more? I suspect, if you dig deep enough, your answer to the question will help you sort out what you really want in your life right now)

I read this a few times. I don't know what to say. I am a weak person at least where it comes to MM. Not so much in other areas of my life. I posted because it was buildig inside and I wanted somewhere safe to let it out. A confession of sorts to a bunch of strangers. I posted here because it is where google landed me. Should it be moved? I don't need permission to be in an affair or anyone to tell me its okay. Cheating is not something well loved and I know that. I was hoping to find others who found themselves in a sinilar situation. It is noce to not be alone...

[beach]

I don't know; it was like when he talked to me, really talked, all these emotions came bubbling up inside of me. At first I told myself I was going to use the conversation against him. But I quickly realized I still wanted him. And I engaged with him. And it felt like a missing piece was there again. That is why I say I am weak. It took hardly anything, just an apology really and I was in. Everything I had worked for and sacrificed for was gone.

 

No different than the alcoholic going back to that drink.

 

You don't really say what you intend to change. What you want to focus on.

 

Is it fixing what you've ruined within your marriage?

 

Or is it that you want to focus on your Mm and divorce your husband?

[Blackknight]

No different than the alcoholic going back to that drink.

 

You don't really say what you intend to change. What you want to focus on.

 

Is it fixing what you've ruined within your marriage?

 

Or is it that you want to focus on your Mm and divorce your husband?

 

No, because all an alcohalic has to do is get back on the wagon and keep going. It is more like an alchohalic falling off the wagon and doing something terrible to someoen else when fallen.

 

At this point what I want is to have both and be a cake eater. I don't want to lose either man. Call me what you will but that is the raw truth of it. I am greedy, selfish and weak. My love obviously isn't worth much. But despite this my husband and I have a wonderful life together. I cannot bare the thought of losin him. And that is why he must not know.

[whichwayisup]

Back after I confessed my husband confronted him. It was about a year before the first time MM and I ran into each other and was overly friendly. I have actually saw him more than that but we have mever interacted nor did I think I wanted to. My Husband had to threaten his wife with a RO before she left us alone. This time my husband just left it to me and like I said I ignored it. And then I didn't. I realize some people value honest at all costs but I think whatever path I choose i will not be cofessing anything to my husband.

 

So when his wife comes to your husband about the affair being back on, expect the sh.t to hit the fan at your home.

 

It'll be much worse, especially if you have children to consider in all this, if he finds out on his own. Right now your H is under the impression the marriage is slowly back on track, he's beginning to trust you again after giving you a second chance. You're blowing it big time. If you don't want to be married, then leave your H. Soon the decision won't be yours if you continue doing what you're doing.

[DKT3]

No, because all an alcohalic has to do is get back on the wagon and keep going. It is more like an alchohalic falling off the wagon and doing something terrible to someoen else when fallen.

 

At this point what I want is to have both and be a cake eater. I don't want to lose either man. Call me what you will but that is the raw truth of it. I am greedy, selfish and weak. My love obviously isn't worth much. But despite this my husband and I have a wonderful life together. I cannot bare the thought of losin him. And that is why he must not know.

 

No your husband doesn't have a wonderful life. He is living a lie and your making a total fool of him.

 

You have no idea of the damage your doing to him. It takes a lot to take back an unfaithful spouse and your pissing all over everything he has given up within himself because he loves you and believed in you enough to go at it again. Thus your making a total fool of him.

 

This is tough coming here, hang in there. Some of us can be rough but we are all here to help. This is a good place.

[Blackknight]

So when his wife comes to your husband about the affair being back on, expect the sh.t to hit the fan at your home.

 

It'll be much worse, especially if you have children to consider in all this, if he finds out on his own. Right now your H is under the impression the marriage is slowly back on track, he's beginning to trust you again after giving you a second chance. You're blowing it big time. If you don't want to be married, then leave your H. Soon the decision won't be yours if you continue doing what you're doing.

 

His wife never believed we had an affair in the first place. She believes I got her husband black out drunk and into bed with me one time and that I took a friendship to far.

 

I know I blew it big time. But at this point there is nothing to be caught on.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for this I just want to say I don't agree with the first part. It reminds me of someone who gives you advice on how to get read of a sickness. When you follow it to the letter and are still sick they say "you didn't do everything right". Looking back there is nothing I did wrong. I ended it, i confessed every thing. I never argued or fought back when my husband cried, yelled or broke things. I took full responsibility for my own actions. I cut off MM completely. I went not just to A counsellor but to a shrink to. I went on medication. I told my parents as per requested. I confessed the entire thing on fb as requested. I got rid of my smart phone and only carried a flip phone with minutes. Nothing was locked away or hidden from my husband. I read whatever books were suggested. I cried when I was alone and loathed what I did. I was repulsed by what I let Him do to me. I became more open and honest though I was never a secretive person to begin with. I gave up girls nights and my hobby.

 

I really was doing everything right. Until I did wrong, again.

 

That's what I meant by doing it wrong again. You were in the right, working hard on moving past exMM and the affair. Mistake is, you let him back in, that was my point, not what you were doing beforehand.

 

Look at all the hard work you've done, even went on medication over it all.

You fixed you and were on the way to recovery, gaining your H's trust and respect again.

 

Question now is, figure out what it is you want. An affair and stay married? Divorce and be MM's OW? Does MM have any plans on leaving his wife if you and your H split?

I became more open and honest though I was never a secretive person to begin with.

 

But now you've gone backwards. It's doing damage to you as well as everybody else (H, kids etc). Get back into counseling to help you. The fallout from this will be huge, an affair can be forgiven once, a second affair (with the same person) slim to none.

 

I hope you gain strength to end your affair and start again with your husband.

[Blackknight]

No your husband doesn't have a wonderful life. He is living a lie and your making a total fool of him.

 

You have no idea of the damage your doing to him. It takes a lot to take back an unfaithful spouse and your pissing all over everything he has given up within himself because he loves you and believed in you enough to go at it again. Thus your making a total fool of him.

 

This is tough coming here, hang in there. Some of us can be rough but we are all here to help. This is a good place.

 

I am not making a fool of my husband. No one thought that the first time and no one will think that now. I am being a fool myself. Maybe right now with a few riske conversations some will say the marriage is doomed and bad. But a couple of weeks ago? It was a good marriage and we were all happy.

[whichwayisup]

His wife never believed we had an affair in the first place. She believes I got her husband black out drunk and into bed with me one time and that I took a friendship to far.

 

I know I blew it big time. But at this point there is nothing to be caught on.

 

Sorry, meaning? The A isn't back on? you and MM just talking again now or has it gone physical?

 

If your H is looking for clues/signs, it won't be long before he catches on. As for MM's wife, well she was in denial, he fooled her well. Unfortunate since it seems your A is back on. A 2nd Dday for both spouses isn't going to be pretty.

[whichwayisup]

I am not making a fool of my husband. No one thought that the first time and no one will think that now. I am being a fool myself. Maybe right now with a few riske conversations some will say the marriage is doomed and bad. But a couple of weeks ago? It was a good marriage and we were all happy.

 

I mean this respectfully, but even if your marriage was good again and you were happy, this just means you are broken. Allowing ANY conversation with exMM when you were supposed to be in NC mode is not helping the trust factor. Your H may keep tabs on you, never say never. Your marriage could be doom and gloom if he finds out about contact, all the trust he's built back up with you will be torn down.

 

I meant by making a fool of your H, by taking advantage of his trust in you again, going behind his back and breaking NC and talking to MM again. That is making a fool of him.

[Blackknight]

That's what I meant by doing it wrong again. You were in the right, working hard on moving past exMM and the affair. Mistake is, you let him back in, that was my point, not what you were doing beforehand.

 

Look at all the hard work you've done, even went on medication over it all.

You fixed you and were on the way to recovery, gaining your H's trust and respect again.

 

Question now is, figure out what it is you want. An affair and stay married? Divorce and be MM's OW? Does MM have any plans on leaving his wife if you and your H split?

 

 

But now you've gone backwards. It's doing damage to you as well as everybody else (H, kids etc). Get back into counseling to help you. The fallout from this will be huge, an affair can be forgiven once, a second affair (with the same person) slim to none.

 

I hope you gain strength to end your affair and start again with your husband.

You are so right. I cried after reading your post and still am. I am not much of a crier as it is seen as a manipulation in my family. (I hate saying foo but yeah, foo). I wish I could say I am going to put an end to this. But I never thought I'd be back here again.

[whichwayisup]

 

At this point what I want is to have both and be a cake eater. I don't want to lose either man. Call me what you will but that is the raw truth of it. I am greedy, selfish and weak. My love obviously isn't worth much. But despite this my husband and I have a wonderful life together. I cannot bare the thought of losin him. And that is why he must not know.

 

At least you're honest with what it is you want.

 

Not sure how long you cake eating will last. Just hope it's worth it, the consequences aren't going to be good at all. It makes me sad for you because you were doing so well. And now you've broken it all by choosing to make another big mistake.

[Blackknight]

Sorry, meaning? The A isn't back on? you and MM just talking again now or has it gone physical?

 

If your H is looking for clues/signs, it won't be long before he catches on. As for MM's wife, well she was in denial, he fooled her well. Unfortunate since it seems your A is back on. A 2nd Dday for both spouses isn't going to be pretty.

 

We haven't been physical but we have talked innapropriatly. We have made no plans to see each other.

[Blackknight]

I mean this respectfully, but even if your marriage was good again and you were happy, this just means you are broken. Allowing ANY conversation with exMM when you were supposed to be in NC mode is not helping the trust factor. Your H may keep tabs on you, never say never. Your marriage could be doom and gloom if he finds out about contact, all the trust he's built back up with you will be torn down.

 

I meant by making a fool of your H, by taking advantage of his trust in you again, going behind his back and breaking NC and talking to MM again. That is making a fool of him.

It isn't foolish to be betrayed by the person you love.

[whichwayisup]

You are so right. I cried after reading your post and still am. I am not much of a crier as it is seen as a manipulation in my family. (I hate saying foo but yeah, foo). I wish I could say I am going to put an end to this. But I never thought I'd be back here again.

 

It's good you're crying, means my words are making you think about everything.

 

Would you go back to counseling?

[whichwayisup]

We haven't been physical but we have talked innapropriatly. We have made no plans to see each other.

 

It isn't foolish to be betrayed by the person you love.

 

I still don't get what you mean, sorry:o

 

He is going to be angry, hurt, betrayed and the fact that you're making it seem like your marriage is working again when in fact, it isn't by you having contact with MM again, negates the recent hard work done. Maybe fooled was the wrong word, but still, he will feel jaded/jipped.

 

You gotta stop contact with him BK. No good can come of this if you don't.

[DKT3]

It isn't foolish to be betrayed by the person you love.

 

 

But it is. I'm a betrayed or former betrayed husband. I felt stupid and foolish for first not seeing the signs of the affair. Secondly for giving her a chance while she was still not being honest. That marriage ended in divorce. We are now back together, and during the restart I still felt foolish for taking her back. This was with her being totally open and honest and leaving no doubt that she was/is being faithful.

 

Look I know it will be hard to see or even harder to admit. But you are making a fool of him. He will feel that way no matter what you believe or say.