looking for a safe place

[Blackknight]

I still don't get what you mean, sorry:o

 

He is going to be angry, hurt, betrayed and the fact that you're making it seem like your marriage is working again when in fact, it isn't by you having contact with MM again, negates the recent hard work done. Maybe fooled was the wrong word, but still, he will feel jaded/jipped.

 

You gotta stop contact with him BK. No good can come of this if you don't.

 

I know he would be hurt if he found out. I just hate hate him being called a fool when I am the fool.

 

I don't know about counselling. All the money and all the conscious effort to change behaviours and patterns were flushed down the toilet when I engaged with Mm. If it isn't clear we have shared oir feelings for each other as well as dirty talk. I can't undo that.

[Sub]

It isn't foolish to be betrayed by the person you love.

 

But try to imagine how he would feel. Being foolish and feeling like a fool can be two different things. He was betrayed by you and chose to trust again. I don't find it foolish to trust again after a betrayel. I'd be a hypocrite to think so. In hindsight, though, your H will feel like a fool. As you've taken advantage of that trust. I think you need to realize what an investment that is. Also, think of the disrespect the OM is showing the man you love by initiating contact with you after your H has confronted him.

[twosadthings]

As a teaching moment, I asked my young grandson what the worst thing a person could do after doing something wrong, bad and stupid. He said the worst thing would be to lie about it. He was on the right track of course, but I told him the worst thing would be to continue doing the wrong, bad, stupid thing.

 

You're an adult and should have learned this by now. You have child(ren), be an adult for their sake.

 

Twosadthings

[loveboid]

I'm not really sure why people are focusing on you. I have a different point of view. Your husband should let you go. You are wanting another person to have sex with and your husband doesn't want and/or is incapable of having sex with you often the way you would like. He is just as selfish and greedy here and should let you go. IMO.

[goodyblue]

I'm not really sure why people are focusing on you. I have a different point of view. Your husband should let you go. You are wanting another person to have sex with and your husband doesn't want and/or is incapable of having sex with you often the way you would like. He is just as selfish and greedy here and should let you go. IMO.

 

The reason is we never put any responsibilty on the BS as far as any BS is concerned is that the fault in the affair lies solely with the WS and any wrongdoing by the BS is magically forgottten. Most believe actions by WS are choices and anything the BS may have done should lead to counseling or divorce. I do not believe this. In my case xwife did not sleep with my guy for 12 years. No closeness or affection. In fact, when i mentioned her alcoholism people here said he probably drove her to.drink. so it is ok to blame WS for that, but not to ask BS to be responsible in their part of why WS stepped out. Seems odd to me. But in the end we ALL must be responsible for our actions. Me, him and her.

Edited October 11, 2014 by goodyblue

[Sub]

The reason is we never put any responsibilty on the BS as far as any BS is concerned is that the fault in the affair lies solely with the WS and any wrongdoing by the BS is magically forgottten. Most believe actions by WS are choices and anything the BS may have done should lead to counseling or divorce. I do not believe this. In my case xwife did not sleep with my guy for 12 years. No closeness or affection. In fact, when i mentioned her alcoholism people here said he probably drove her to.drink. so it is ok to blame WS for that, but not to ask BS to be responsible in their part of why WS stepped out. Seems odd to me. But in the end we ALL must be responsible for our actions. Me, him and her.

 

All moot points as it pertains to the recent turn of events with the OP. They've already went through the initial discovery of the A and have R'd. She and her H are working through their issues. He's now supposed to take responsibility AGAIN because she's taking advantage of his trust? I'm not seeing it. Her H isn't an alcoholic who hasn't had sex with her for 12 years, like the BS in your situation.

[Blackknight]

As a teaching moment, I asked my young grandson what the worst thing a person could do after doing something wrong, bad and stupid. He said the worst thing would be to lie about it. He was on the right track of course, but I told him the worst thing would be to continue doing the wrong, bad, stupid thing.

 

You're an adult and should have learned this by now. You have child(ren), be an adult for their sake.

 

Twosadthings

 

Of course I have learned this. Duh. I know what I have done is terrible. I don't see where I have said otherwise. Before, I even said myself that if I were to ever engage in similar behaviour as during my affair I should be committed for insanity because how can anyone be so cruel?

 

Guess what? I learned I am that cruel. And it is easy to drag my children ito this to heap on the guilt but the thing is I know what I did risked their life as it was too. And I still did it!!!!

[Blackknight]

I'm not really sure why people are focusing on you. I have a different point of view. Your husband should let you go. You are wanting another person to have sex with and your husband doesn't want and/or is incapable of having sex with you often the way you would like. He is just as selfish and greedy here and should let you go. IMO.

 

I am sorry but I completely disagree. My husband is an amazing man. I mentioned the sex thing because our marriage wasn't perfect it had that issue. And instead of acknowledging it was hurting me and getting us help. I used that as an excuse to have sex with another man. I wanted MM and felt strong chemistry with me and my curiousity became for front in my mind. Sure, maybe if we had had great sex life I wouldn't have been as vunerable to MM's advances BUT then again there is a good chance I would have gone for it anyways even without an "excuse". No one knows the answer to that and so I take complete responsibility for my actions. To say my husband's mental struggle with sex (not intimacy) is as bad or worse than me allowing another man to enter me is ludicrous. My husband does not deserve that. No I own this and it is all on me.

[Blackknight]

The reason is we never put any responsibilty on the BS as far as any BS is concerned is that the fault in the affair lies solely with the WS and any wrongdoing by the BS is magically forgottten. Most believe actions by WS are choices and anything the BS may have done should lead to counseling or divorce. I do not believe this. In my case xwife did not sleep with my guy for 12 years. No closeness or affection. In fact, when i mentioned her alcoholism people here said he probably drove her to.drink. so it is ok to blame WS for that, but not to ask BS to be responsible in their part of why WS stepped out. Seems odd to me. But in the end we ALL must be responsible for our actions. Me, him and her.

 

I would say people do extremes too often. I know for a fact there are people who are cheated on who contributed heavily to the situation. But that is not my situation.

[Blackknight]

I know it has only been a day. But I haven't talked to MM since posting here. It is only a small thing but I am still struggling with not talking to him.

[curiousGeorge2]

I'm not really sure why people are focusing on you. I have a different point of view. Your husband should let you go. You are wanting another person to have sex with and your husband doesn't want and/or is incapable of having sex with you often the way you would like. He is just as selfish and greedy here and should let you go. IMO.

 

Bingo. Someone finally said the obvious.

[Sub]

Of course I have learned this. Duh. I know what I have done is terrible. I don't see where I have said otherwise. Before, I even said myself that if I were to ever engage in similar behaviour as during my affair I should be committed for insanity because how can anyone be so cruel?

 

Guess what? I learned I am that cruel. And it is easy to drag my children ito this to heap on the guilt but the thing is I know what I did risked their life as it was too. And I still did it!!!!

 

You're here. You're taking responsibility. What you've done may have been bad. It's not for us to say whether or not you're a cruel person, though. Giving yourself those labels - weak, cruel, etc. - doesn't address why it's happening. You don't have to be those things. You CAN do better.

[curiousGeorge2]

Op seems to have too conflicted feelings about everything.

[whichwayisup]

I know it has only been a day. But I haven't talked to MM since posting here. It is only a small thing but I am still struggling with not talking to him.

 

It's supposed to be hard and yes you're gonna struggle. Your life as you know it, keeping your family intact and under one roof should be worth fighting for, so every time you miss MM, remember what you have to lose and the affect it'll have on your kids.

 

Be strong, cry it out. Keep busy and congratulate yourself for one day of NC.

 

Though I do think you need to tell him it's over and for him to respect your decision.

[A.Moscote]

I know it has only been a day...

Good news, keep on it, buckle up and be patient.

 

You know him, his style and conducts, you have been in the affair before, and now again, so use all that experience and knowledge wisely and for your own advantage. Reject him.

 

Dismiss your emotions and feelings, be conscience and focus on what you can do to improve your relationship with your husband.

 

Small things do add up, build on that Blackknight.

[Blackknight]

I ran into MM at an event over the weekend. Didn't even acknowledge him. Still in NC but damn it is hard. I want to contact him right now but I am posting here instead.

 

I miss him and I hate that I do.

[truncated]

I ran into MM at an event over the weekend. Didn't even acknowledge him. Still in NC but damn it is hard. I want to contact him right now but I am posting here instead.

 

I miss him and I hate that I do.

 

This may sound like an odd suggestion, but have you htought of writing your feelings down in two leters, one to your ex Om and one to your husband? Even if they are never sent, it may help to give you more strength through your ordeal. Sometimes seeing your thoughts and feeings written down in a tangible way can be helpful, especially if you are usually a person who tends to think logically.

[Sub]

I ran into MM at an event over the weekend. Didn't even acknowledge him. Still in NC but damn it is hard. I want to contact him right now but I am posting here instead.

 

I miss him and I hate that I do.

 

Good job, Blackknight. That's a big deal, and a great step forward, IMO.

[Blackknight]

I broke NC. MM contacted me through a new means and asked me if we could just talk. It was all the push I needed and so we did. It was so different than the last time we were involved. He was always adamant that he would never leave his wife and that the sun and the moon rose and set on her. Apparently she is not so enchanting anymore. Thanks to my brushes with her I know she is a difficult person. But, so is he. They are a disaster together; that I have always thought. So here we are. He is telling me little bits and pieces about his life. And I suddenly realize he is heading us into an emotional affair.

 

That didn't happen last time. It was only about sex and sex talk. I think the long silence was broke because he is looking for an exit affair. And I am far easier than starting over with someone fresh. And he doesn't want to leave today he has a few more years until his youngest is out of the home.

 

I could be making this all up in my head. Well all of it but the sudden emotional side. He is barking up the wrong tree there though. I told him he needs to figure out what he wants his life to look like because he is miserable as is. And then he needs to get his life on that track. He asked to talk again but I never committed. I know, I know. I need to cut him off. All this is pointless. But I am far too bonded to him. The point is, I'm on day one of NC

[eye of the storm]

Blackknight, One of the reasons I am so good at my job is that I always have 2 or 3 back up plans for practically every event. Sort of "if this stops working, we will do this" "or X isn't effective, lets try Y". No matter what you throw at me, I already have a plan.

 

Why is this relevant to you? Because what he was doing stopped working with you and so now, he is throwing his new plan at you.

 

Same results, different way of accomplishing them.

 

Don't fall for it.

 

good luck

[Blackknight]

Blackknight, One of the reasons I am so good at my job is that I always have 2 or 3 back up plans for practically every event. Sort of "if this stops working, we will do this" "or X isn't effective, lets try Y". No matter what you throw at me, I already have a plan.

 

Why is this relevant to you? Because what he was doing stopped working with you and so now, he is throwing his new plan at you.

 

Same results, different way of accomplishing them.

 

Don't fall for it.

 

good luck

 

Never thought of it as a new angle. You might be right but it doesn't really matter. As I said, he is barking up the wrong tree.

[Sub]

If it was all about sex before, in what way are you far too bonded to him? I know you're saying he's barking up the wrong tree in terms of it being an emotional thing. But it appears that the bond you have may be more than just physical.

[Blackknight]

If it was all about sex before, in what way are you far too bonded to him? I know you're saying he's barking up the wrong tree in terms of it being an emotional thing. But it appears that the bond you have may be more than just physical.

 

It is a palatable physical bond. Chemistry, sexual tension, desire. I know there was an emotional bond as well. Feelings and all that but the focus was basic physical gratification and lust. When I say he is barking up the wrong tree I mean, whether this is a new tactic or he really is fishing for a relationship with me based on us "leaving" our spouses... It won't be happening.

[bigman1]

Okay, so you are just easing back in. You don't want to tell your husband, because you want the best of both worlds aka cake eating. Once you go physical, you won't tell your husband, either.

Of course, you are currently setting the stage for your husband's emotional destruction. Just tell him the feelings you have, first. You can't make a choice here without some reality. Seriously. Right now its all fantasy and its too hard for you to commit to a course of action and you get closer to sleeping with OM. Add some reality. Tell your H that you have not had sex, but you have strong feelings. Its honest, it brings some reality, and you have not had sex.

[2sunny]

I broke NC. MM contacted me through a new means and asked me if we could just talk. It was all the push I needed and so we did. It was so different than the last time we were involved. He was always adamant that he would never leave his wife and that the sun and the moon rose and set on her. Apparently she is not so enchanting anymore. Thanks to my brushes with her I know she is a difficult person. But, so is he. They are a disaster together; that I have always thought. So here we are. He is telling me little bits and pieces about his life. And I suddenly realize he is heading us into an emotional affair.

 

That didn't happen last time. It was only about sex and sex talk. I think the long silence was broke because he is looking for an exit affair. And I am far easier than starting over with someone fresh. And he doesn't want to leave today he has a few more years until his youngest is out of the home.

 

I could be making this all up in my head. Well all of it but the sudden emotional side. He is barking up the wrong tree there though. I told him he needs to figure out what he wants his life to look like because he is miserable as is. And then he needs to get his life on that track. He asked to talk again but I never committed. I know, I know. I need to cut him off. All this is pointless. But I am far too bonded to him. The point is, I'm on day one of NC

 

 

But you see there - you aren't being honest with yourself.

 

You're saying it wasn't emotional, just sex.

 

But for you it was emotional. If it wasn't emotional you wouldn't think twice whether he called you it not - but you do care. And NC is difficult for you because it is emotional.

 

Get honest with yourself. That way you can really work through it and let it go knowing what you're letting go of.

 

You keep telling yourself it was only sex but you're not helping yourself to heal if you don't admit to yourself how involved you have been.